Sacred Stones: The Parody
by GrayWindRising
Summary: The tale of the twins, Eirika and Ephraim, torn from their home and forced on an epic quest. The only story with magic rocks, long lost siblings, scary monsters, and fallen empires. Well, the only one with all that, and... never mind.
1. PrePrologue

-1**The Pre-Prologue**

**Before the Prologue**

**Foreword**

**Whatever you want to call it, it's before the story!**

_Three hundred years ago, the continent of Magvel was at the mercy of hordes of horrible monsters, creatures of darkness that slaughtered humanity, hell-bent on its extinction. Led by the cruel Demon King, these armies of horrors seemed unstoppable, and humanity seemed to be doomed._

_Until finally, a weapon- or rather, five weapons- came into the possession of the humans. These were the Sacred Stones, five gems that contained the power to annihilate the monstrous hordes. It still took over a year, but humans were finally able to fight back, and using the Stones, they were able to seal the Demon King within a prison._

_With their leader defeated, the power keeping the monsters in the world of Magvel dissipated, and the creatures were dragged back into the darkness. Forever, or so the humans hoped._

_Of course, if all the monsters were gone for good, this wouldn't be a very interesting story, now would it? And more importantly, why would anyone care about ancient history if it didn't carry over into the story?_

_After the war three hundred years earlier, the five Sacred Stones were entrusted to the care of the five powerful nations of Magvel. Renais, Frelia, Jehanna, Rausten, and Grado cared for their charges, but eventually the stories of the ancient war faded into myth, and the Sacred Stones became nothing more than pretty trinkets in the temples of the great nations. As well, a sixth nation, the mercantile republic of Carcino developed, though it lacked a Sacred Stone._

_While perfect peace cannot really be expected, the nations get along, for the most part. Well, until recently._

_Like you couldn't see that coming._

* * *

In Grado, the powerful Empire of Magvel, the three Generals were gathered in the throne room of Emperor Vigarde for the usual meeting they had at three. While it was dubbed a "status report", all they usually did was eat tea and drink cakes.

To their surprise, there was no tea to eat nor cakes to drink. Duessel, the senior general, was the first to point this out. "Hey Viggy? What gives?!"

Glen, the so called Sunstone, cleared his throat. "You know the Emperor doesn't like to be called that…"

Surprisingly, the Emperor did not immediately snap. In fact, he didn't say a word. He also didn't wave, smile, blink, breathe, or blow his nose like he usually did.

"Hmm," Selena, the token female general, considered, "Could Emperor Vigarde actually be living up to his title of Silent Emperor?"

"That's ridiculous," Duessel interjected, "No one's called him that since he learned how to talk. Everyone calls Viggy the Loudmouth Emperor."

The three generals turned to Vigarde again, expecting him to snap. Again, no snapping. Glen leaned over to Selena to whisper "I wonder if Vigarde isn't feeling well? Did you take him on a date or something?"

Selena blushed. "N-no! And what would that have to do with anything anyway?"

"Well you know, he might've actually… gotten to know you. I know that's pretty horrifying."

Selena scowled. "WHAT DID YOU SAY YOU LITTLE-"

"My imperial three, thank you for coming." The generals turned to Vigarde, surprised that he was talking. "I apologize for the delay. I'm still not very good at this whole 'typing' thing."

"Erm, what now?"

"Disregard that, Duessel. Now, I have new orders for you, my generals. We shall be conquering Renais, our northern neighbor, in a sudden and unexpected onslaught that will probably involve the death of many innocents simply because they got in the way. I will be expecting no protests."

The three generals blinked.

"…What? You're not going to say something about how this is morally wrong, or try to argue?"

Duessel scratched his black and gray bearded chin. "Why would we do that? We raid Renais all the time, and we already knew that you hated them. So really, it's not all that unexpected."

"Yeah," Glen piped in, "We're just shocked that it took you so long to decide to actually take over."

"Oh… well, never mind then. Get the troops ready for war. We go in and take over. Oh, and make sure to bring those annoying kids of Fado's to me. I don't want them hurt and/or robbed. They each have something I need."

The generals shrugged, then turned to go. Once they were gone, Vigarde shrugged in a very puppet-like way. He then collapsed into the throne.

Behind said throne, a shaman with blue hair and a very concerned expression stood to leave.

* * *

A few days later, the city of Serafew, formerly the symbol of the trust (or rather, the temporary peace) between Renais and Grado, was taken over entirely by Vigarde's forces. The soldiers of Renais were taken prisoner, and the three generals continued their conquest of Renais, heading north.

About this time, King Fado realized that something might be wrong.

"Vigarde usually warns us before raiding us, and yet he hasn't said anything. Something must be wrong…"

"You mean besides the fact that he took over Serafew and subsequently all of our southern provinces?"

Fado glared at his wife. "Yeah, something like that."

Queen Lorraine sighed at him. "If you weren't such a pushover, always allowing these little raids of his, Renais probably wouldn't be getting stomped all over right now! Honestly, why do you have to be such a wimp, getting bullied by Grado?"

"You see, this is why all the other rulers inexplicably don't have wives!"

"Wimp."

"Witch!"

"M-mommy, daddy, are you gonna get a d-divorce?"

Fado and Lorraine turned to see Ephraim, weeping piteously. "Oh grow up. You're just like your wimp father! We're not going to get a divorce."

"That's right son. Divorces haven't been invented yet." Lorraine smacked Fado over the head. "I mean, I er… love your mother… very… much…"

Ephraim wiped his eyes, nodding. "O-okay…"

The Queen sighed. "You really need to grow some backbone, kiddo. We need to send you on some sort of military campaign or something."

Fado choked. "Do a what now? Come on, honey, he's only seventeen!"

"So? I went on my first military campaign at twelve."

"You went on… wait a minute…"

Ephraim was tearing up again. "B-but I don't wanna go…"

"Stop whining!"

"Lorraine! Don't worry Ephraim, it's just like summer camp. Only instead of lots of cutesy summer-themed activities, you'll be killing enemies who are also trying to kill you, in horrible conditions, and instead of bagged lunches you'll have to eat diseased meat and travel foods."

"But… I hated summer camp…"

Queen Lorraine waved her son aside, then stood up to scream. "ORSON! FORDE! KYLE! GET YOUR LAZY FAT BACKSIDES IN HERE!"

King Fado frowned. "Heeeeey, it's my job to yell orders to the knights! ORSON- oh, you're already here…" Fado turned away to pout.

The Queen positioned herself in front of the King, smiling in a mostly fake benevolent way. "You three will be accompanying my son Ephraim as he fights the Grado forces."

Forde looked over at Ephraim with an unhappy expression. "We're going with Prince Sissy? Can't you send someone else? Like Franz?"

"Oh come on, what do you have to do that's so much more important?"

"Well, stare longingly at attractive women, paint, wish that I could accomplish something…"

The Queen raised an eyebrow quizzically. "You paint?"

Forde grinned. "Well sure! I've been practicing!" With that, he pulled out a large canvas that could not possibly have fit in his bag. When he showed it to everyone, Lorraine made a face.

"Looks like you spilled some paint on it."

Forde blinked. "What? No, it's supposed to look like this! It's abstract art!"

"That's for sure…" Kyle muttered.

"I call it 'A Glimpse of Things to Come'!"

The King turned to regard it with a grimace. "So… in the future, we'll all be shapeless blobs?"

Forde scowled, somehow managing to fit the large painting back in his bag. "You people have no taste."

The Queen sighed, "Anyway, you three will be going with Ephraim against the Grado to the south. Obviously I'm going to provide you with some token soldiers, but they'll all probably die during the first battle, so it's really just going to be you four. Also, since Orson is a paladin, he's not allowed to actually hit anything, since he'd be hogging all the experience."

Orson blinked. "That seems kinda discriminative…"

Kyle raised his hand. The Queen sighed, pointing at him. "Your Grace, don't we usually just ignore Grado's raids, since the only people getting hurt are the peasants that we don't care about?"

"Well, from the looks of things, Vigarde actually plans on taking over Renais this time. Therefore, it's personal."

Kyle raised his hand again. The Queen pointed to him, sighing again. "You really don't need to raise your hand every time you want to ask a question…"

"Your Grace, how are four- er, three- people with a bunch of token soldiers going to fight the forces of Grado?"

"I dunno! You'll probably just die, so I don't really care!"

The three knights blanched, while Ephraim suddenly started bawling again.

"Oh fine! I'll send some tactician with you. Maybe Mathwin…"

"Now wait a minute! It's bad enough your sending my son on a suicide mission with only three knights, one of whom is too much of an experience-hog to actually be allowed to fight! You can't also send the worst strategist in Renais with him!"

"Um, I'm standing right here."

King Fado turned to notice a middle-aged man with graying brown hair and a dour expression standing behind the throne. "Oh, sorry Mathwin. I never notice you there."

"Yeah, I know," the tactician said in a groaning monotone, "You never do."

"So who do YOU suggest we send?"

Fado shrugged. "Well, we only had two tacticians to start with, so we'd have to send…"

Queen Lorraine shook her head vigorously. "No! Heck no! We can't send Karson with him! Then we'll be stuck with just that moron Mathwin in case the castle is attacked!"

"Still standing here."

"Well I'm not sending Mathwin with Ephraim! Come on, the Grado won't get here! They'll get bored of the little attack after a few more villages and go home! Ephraim needs a good tactician more than we do."

"Geez, am I invisible or something?"

Lorraine huffed, "Fine! I give up. Ephraim can take Karson. But if we get attacked and that idiot Mathwin screws up the defense, I'm going to blame it all on you, Fado!"

"I'm just going to go to my room and cry now. Not that anyone will notice that I left."

"Alright, so Ephraim- Ephraim, get off my leg you baby!- You will go south to fight the Grado army, along with Orson (who will not fight because then no one would get any experience), Forde, Kyle, Karson for tactical crap, and some token soldiers who will all be dead by the time you actually fight anything. Any further objections?"

The King, Ephraim, Kyle, Forde, and Orson all raised their hands. "None? Good, it's settled then. You idiots better be gone by tomorrow morning, or I'm gonna be one unhappy Queen!"

Fado sighed. "'Marry Lorraine, sweetie. She's all dainty and rich. She won't cause you any issues once your king!' Thanks a lot, mom, for sticking me with the shrew of all shrews!"

* * *

Meanwhile in Rausten, the theocracy in the northeastern part of Magvel, the Pope Mansel was scratching his chin in concern. "Grado going after Renais? Sup with that? Normally when Vigarde raids, he just attacks a village or two then leaves. Now he's taking over whole cities and keeping them! This calls for action of… some kind or another."

The leader of the theocracy beckoned a young monk named Artur closer. "You're that guy I was going to send to spy on Re- I mean, to investigate the creature sightings in Renais, right?"

"Why yes, your Eminence! You also promised that once I succeeded in my mission, you'd grant my request about-"

"Yeah yeah, I know! Anyway, now I also want you to check out what's going on with Grado and Renais, politically and whatnot."

"You want me to support King Fado against Grado's ruthless attack?"

"Well… that, or find out which side would make more sense to side with. You know, figure out which one is winning, which one will get us more money and stuff…"

Artur looked sick. "That doesn't seem very nice or heroic…"

"Blah, heroic stuff is for babies! I prefer cash! Oh, and while you're out, take that Lute kid with you. Her know-it-all attitude is getting rather annoying, and I'm starting to consider ignoring my whole priestly oath of 'do no harm' and strangling her."

"Ye-yes your Eminence," On his way out, Artur half turned around, "Oh, and when I get back, will you-"

"Yeah yeah, sure. Just get going! The spoils of war won't wait forever, you know!"

After the monk left, Mansel started scratching his chin again. "Maybe I should have told him to keep an eye out for my niece while he was at it… nah, why bother? It's not like her dad is alive to pester me about not taking care of her."

* * *

Meanwhile (yet again), in the northern part of Grado…

"Are we THERE YET?!"

"No, Lady Myrrh. We have a bit of a ways to go before we reach the Grado Capital."

The young girl, indigo hair tied into braids on either side of her head, scowled at the taller man with gray hair and a flowing cape. "This is ridiculous! How dare it take this long for someone as important as myself to get to the blasted source of the blasted dark energy! There really should be some sort of taxi thing going on in this craphole country!"

"Of course, Lady Myrrh. Whatever you say, Lady Myrrh." _By all that is holy, why is it MY job to escort this irritating little brat across this stupid continent?! Is it just because the elder is my grandmother? Because if that's the reason, then I'm going to STRANGLE that toad when I get back!_

"You know that I can read your thoughts, don't you Saleh?"

_Of course I know that, you idiot br- wait a minute…. What?!_ "Erm… of course, Lady Myrrh."

"I still here your thoughts, Saleh. And they do not please Lady Myrrh. Not at all."

"Erm… oh my, I suddenly feel the call of nature. Be right back!" With that, the Sage ducked into the cover of trees.

"Hey! You can't just leave me here!" Myrrh started shouting, until she realized that someone had came to find the source of the shrieking. Sadly, that someone was not Saleh.

"EEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK! Save me! Agh, that's MY dragonstone, you heathen! Lemme go this instant! That's it, you asked for it!"

"OH SWEET MOTHER OF MERCY, SHE JUST BIT MY HAND OFF! PLEASE HEAVEN PLEASE, MAKE THE BLEEDING STOP!"

After a few hours, Saleh came back. "I apologize for the delay, Lady Myrrh, but now we can continue… Uh, Lady Myrrh?"

Saleh looked around, then sighed. "Aw muffins."


	2. Prologue

-1**Prologue:**

**The Fall of Renais**

_Despite the efforts of the rather useless Renais army, Grado was able to shove through the country all the way to the capital. Prince Ephraim, along with his entourage of two knights, one experience-hog, several soldiers (all of whom died almost immediately), and one tactician, rode off to fight the Grado, but quickly disappeared into the forests. Fado assumed they were dead. Lorraine assumed that her chicken-wuss son decided to hide._

_Soon, the armies of Grado were at the gates. Renais would fall it. It was inevitable. Just look at the title, it's inevitable!_

* * *

Inside the besieged Renais castle, King Fado stroked his blue-greenish beard. His Queen drummed her fingers on the chain of her throne. Both were sweating from the strain of concern.

Lorraine finally snapped. "Make a move already, you sissy!"

"Fine!" The King made his move. "Hah! King me!"

"Dammit! How did I not see those four pieces in a row? CURSES!"

Fado chuckled. "That's why they call me the King of Checkers!"

A soldier standing to the side cleared his throat. "Your Highnesses? We have a slight problem…"

King Fado sighed uproariously. "It had BETTER be a big one for you to interrupt the only thing in the world that I'm better at then my shrewish wife!"

"The Grado army is in the castle. We're all gonna die."

"…Ah. Well that is a problem. Mighta helped if you had told me that earlier, you nimrod!"

A high-pitched squeal ensued, until Lorraine slapped her husband over the head to get him to stop. "No wonder Ephraim is such a baby! You're a terrible role model!"

"Sorry honey…"

"This is obviously Mathwin's fault! Why did you leave the defense of the castle to him?! I told you that we should have kept Karson here!"

"Well, I'm glad I came into the room just in time to hear that insult."

"How was I supposed to know that Ephraim would vanish without a trace and that the Grado army would actually make it this far?"

"Oh shut up! We're in trouble, and, as king, you need to get us out of it!"

"Very well! I say we run away like scared little girls!"

Lorraine scowled. "For once, I think your baby tactics might make sense. Now, where is that Eirika?"

The Princess ran into the hall, followed by two knights, one with blonde hair (and a striking resemblance to Forde), and the other with red. "Father! Mother! The Grado soldiers are in the castle! We're all going to die!"

"Gee, thanks for the head's up. That's really helpful now," King Fado sighed, standing from the checker-strewn table, "Alright, it's time to enact Operation: Run like a bunch of sissies!"

The red-haired cavalier smiled. "Ah, your Grace, you are truly a hero amongst men! To sacrifice yourself so that the rest of us can escape this doomed castle!"

"Why yes, I am- wait a minute, sacrifice?"

Lorraine cleared her throat. "Before we leave, I think we're going to need someone a little more capable than two measly cavaliers to protect us. I vote we go ahead and promote one of you two to the status of Paladin."

Fado nodded. "Now, I shall choose according to the most tried-and-true method available to we kings of Renais!" Fado pointed at the red-haired cavalier. "Eeny, meeny, miney, mo! Catch a tiger by the toe! If he hollers let him go! Eeny meeny miney mo!" His finger stopped on the red-haired knight. "Sir Seth it is!"

Seth blinked, then cleared his throat. "While I am flattered, your Grace, would it not be better to wait until I have achieved the twentieth level of my training?"

"Well normally yes, but we're kinda pressed for time, and we kinda need a Paladin pretty desperately right now. I mean, who else is going to fit the role of Powerful-At-First-But-Later-Useless-Paladin-Advisor?"

"Useless? That's a bit harsh…"

"Bah, just kneel so we can get the special effects over with. This is seriously cutting into our fleeing like sissies time." Seth sighed in defeat, kneeling before King Fado as he touched the knight on each shoulder with his sword. Seth stood up, and with an amazing(ly cheap) flash of light and lightning, Seth stood in a completely different outfit.

The blonde cavalier cheered. "Yay General Seth!"

Eirika clapped unenthusiastically. "Yes yes, good show. Now maybe you will not be such a waste of space."

Seth scowled at the Princess. "I… suppose I should take that as a compliment?"

"No, actually I've always thought you a sub-par knight, and now that you're a paladin I can think of you as a not quite sub-par knight. That is, until we find other, better paladins to take your place."

Seth decided not to say anything.

Lorraine checked her wrist before remembering that watches were not yet invented, then snapped at the assembled people. "Time to escape! Let's hurry up with Operation: Run like sissies into action!"

"Righto! Seth, Franz, get on your horses and ride away. Oh, and don't forget to take Eirika!"

"AHEM!"

"Oh, and my wife too, I suppose."

Eirika sat behind Seth on his white steed while Queen Lorraine harrumphed at being assigned to Franz's less glamorous brown one. The two knights then rode off.

Fado rubbed his hands together. "Now then! To mount my own royal steed and escape as well! Now, where did I hide that thing…" The King went behind the throne. He found the secret stable for his own private horse, littered with horsey-smelling droppings. However, there was no horse.

"Well…. This might be a problem…"

* * *

Meanwhile (you must be getting sick of hearing that)

"Make fun of me will ya! Well who is laughing now!" Mathwin rode the King's horse ahead of Queen Lorraine and Princess Eirika.

* * *

Back at the castle, Seth and Franz paused outside the gates. "Franz!" Seth yelled to his newly-made subordinate, "Take the Queen straight to Frelia! We must enlist the aid of King Hayden!"

Franz blinked. "But aren't we both going there anyway?"

"Yes, but it will be much easier for me to make it if you draw all the enemies toward you as I ride along more stealthily."

"You… huh?"

"Nothing. Now ride you fool! Ride!" Franz rode off, the Queen sighing again.

Seth turned to the Princess, who was scowling for some reason. "What's wrong, Princess Eirika?"

"You smell like horse."

"Well… that's natural, considering I ride one everywhere I go…"

"But don't you ever BATHE?"

Seth sighed, then started to ride… when something large, ugly, and decidedly dangerous landed in front of him.

It was a wyvern, a strange looking one that lacked front legs, and had a much more serpentine appearance. On its back was a knight in black armor, with long, greasy looking green hair and an unhealthy-look on his face. He was grinning maliciously at Seth and Eirika. "Well well, lucky me. I found the cute little Princess of Renais, and she's all mine! No idiot generals to get in my way!"

Seth drew out his silver lane, glancing back at Eirika. "Fear not, Princess! I shall defeat the fiend!"

"Oh?" Eirika asked skeptically, "But you're only a sub-par Paladin, and he's a rather nasty looking Wyvern Knight. I don't think there is really any chance in hell of you winning."

"Well, thanks for backing me up. Glad to know I have someone to support me…"

The wyvern knight cackled. "You have nowhere to run, little man! We're stuck in this valley that some idiot thought would be a good place for a castle! The only way to escape is through me!"

Seth glanced back. "What about that way? That looks like a good way to escape." With that, Seth started to ride toward the western exit of the valley.

"Hey! Cheater!" The wyvern knight flew after, spear held to… spear the Paladin and his charge. Unfortunately, Seth turned right before hitting a tree. The wyvern was by then going too fast, and ended up going through the tree and then into the valley wall.

The rider fell off his mount, which proceeded to peel off the mountain and land on him. "Ow. Damn gravity."

* * *

Seth rode with Eirika in tow until they reached a river near the border of Renais and Frelia. He stopped to look back, sighing in relief. "That Wyvern Knight does not appear to have followed us. Looks like we're safe," He grinned at the Princess, more in a taunting way than a heroic one. "How's that for a sub-par paladin?"

Eirika shrugged. "Technically, you didn't really do anything. Your horse did it. And riding really doesn't have much to do with being a sub-par Paladin."

Seth sighed again, then looked forward. "Looks like we'll be safe if we go on a bit farther to Border Mulan. But just in case, Princess, I want you to take this."

Eirika glanced at the rapier Seth passed to her. "What am I supposed to do with this?"

"Well… stab things obviously!"

"But isn't that what swords are for? This looks more like something to eat a shish-kebab off of."

The knight sighed a third time. "Then just pretend that all the bad guys are shish-kebabs, and… shish-kebab them!"

As if on cue, several shish-kebabs showed up. Their leader was a generic axeman with a helmet and a scraggly beard. "Look! It's that bum paladin and the Princess of Renais! Let's get them!"

"As if this wasn't going to be trying enough on my nerves… Alright, I'll take care of them."

"Oh, don't fret, Seth. I'll take care of them with this poking device. You can sit back and not hog the experience." Eirika slid off Seth's horse and strolled over to the enemy soldiers, all of whom seemed to look rather like their leader, the generic axeman.

Seth sighed, following at a trot.

"Ho ho! The cowardly knight is giving us the girl so he can save his own life! We win by default!"

"Well, no actually," Eirika said in her lordly tone, "I'm actually here to run you blighters through with this rapier I have here. Unless, of course, you wish to surrender?"

The three axemen stared at her, then broke down into fits of laughter. "Yeah right, missy! You're coming with us!" Two charged while the leader was still wiping his eyes (which were invisible under his helmet, for some reason) from laughing so hard.

Eirika dodged one axe strike, poking her rapier through the attacker's armpit. He grunted before he was shish-kebabed. Eirika smiled, not noticing the other one attacking her from behind. Fortunately, Seth came up and lobbed that one's head off with his sword.

The leader had finally regained some self-control when he noticed his lackeys were defeated. "Hey! No fair!" He charged at Eirika, who only just managed to avoid being cut in half by his axe. She poked at him, but her rapier was repelled by his leather armor. "Heh, sorry girly, but I'm tougher than those cronies! Look at my biceps! They is HUGE!"

"I see your grammar isn't much better than the common thug's, though," Eirika pointed out, completely serious. Seth rubbed a hand across his face. _She's correcting his grammar in the middle of a fight?_

"That wasn't very nice, you mean little girl!"

"Oh my! You understood what I said? I had expected a commoner of your low education and vocation to lack the vocabulary of a sophisticated noble such as myself and thus not understand a word I just said."

"The whoosy… with the whazzy… stop making fun of my lack of smartieness! It's not my fault I was borned poor!"

"You still need not be so rude and odiferous."

"I do not need to stand here and take this!" The thug threw his axe down and ran away, sobbing.

Seth was too flabbergasted to comment. Eirika pulled herself back onto his horse. "Shall we be going, sir Paladin?"

"Ah… yes… I suppose we should be." The knight turned his horse and galloped off across the river, and on to Border Mulan.


	3. Chapter One: Escape!

-1**Chapter One:**

**Escape!**

_Having barely escaped the fallen Castle Renais, Princes Eirika and her escort General Seth, the newly made Paladin, make their way toward the border of Renais and Frelia, known as Border Mulan. In Frelia, the Princess hopes to find safety from the Grado Empire._

_Of course, things will go drastically awry before she actually gets there, as they always seem to._

* * *

"We are at Border Mulan, Princess, so we're almost to Frelia (and thank goodness. I can't stand be alone with you any longer!)"

"What was that last part, Seth?"

"Last part? What last part?"

"Oh never mind. Anyway, I'm glad to be here. Perhaps while we are here, we can meet that darling little dragon Mushu…"

"What… Princess, this is BORDER Mulan. Not the movie…"

"Come again?"

Seth sighed. "Never mind. Let's just go."

* * *

Then the predictable bad thing happened. Grado soldiers showed up near the border castle, where one Princess Tana of Frelia happened to be waiting for her friend Eirika to show up.

The leader of the soldiers, a man in a large suit of armor with a rather sleazy looking moustache chuckled. "This is the best defense Frelia has? Phooey! I'll take this in a heartbeat!"

A soldier piped in with "Orders, Commander Breguet?"

"Orders? Psh, you just stand back and watch!" With that, Breguet approached the soldier guarding the castle gate. With a "Hee-yah!" Breguet charged with his lance. However, his charge of five feet took about ten minutes to reach the soldier, who then stepped aside as the hefty knight tripped and landed on his face.

"Oof! Cheater! Stand and take the pain like a man! Will someone help me up over here?!"

While all ten of Breguet's soldiers struggled to lift him to his feet, the Frelian soldier shrugged and decided to go get help.

"Hah! See? The castle has been taken by yours truly, the great Commander Breguet! No one can face my lance and expect to live!" The assorted soldiers sighed, wandering off to patrol.

Breguet entered the castle to find a young woman with long blue hair tied in a ponytail. "Halt, evil doer! You shall never succeed!" The young woman screeched horribly as she charged, jumping at Breguet. He laughed, until she managed to knock him on his back.

"You little brat! Gerroff me this instant! Don't make me smack you one- OWCH! You just tore off half my moustache! That's it, you're one dead little shrew! Someone come make this little brat dead!"

It took several soldiers to pry the woman off Breguet and pin her against a wall, struggling the entire time. "You'll pay, you fiend! My father is the King of Frelia, and my brother is a famed general! They'll come whoop your sorry backside if you lay a finger on me!"

Breguet chuckled as the soldiers attempted to pull him up with a crane. "Oh, so you're Princess Tana! I've heard about how Hayden dotes on you! I bet he'll pay a pretty penny to get you back safe and sound!" Breguet cackled evilly, then stopped. "Anyone seen the other half of my moustache?"

One of the soldiers picked up the greasy bit of hair with two fingers, as though it were something disgusting.

"Oh good. Now… anyone have any glue?"

* * *

"Hmm? Oh dear… Looks like Grado soldiers have taken over the border castle," Seth sighed, wishing that this could be a less eventful trip, for the sake of his patience, "We should skirt around and avoid conflict."

"I agree."

Seth stared at Eirika. "What? Is there something on my face? Or are you merely smitten with my regal beauty?"

"Y-you're the princess! Aren't you supposed to be more… compassionate?"

"Why would I do that? Must I be some stereotypical princess?"

Seth shrugged, then started to ride again, when a group of Grado soldiers stood in the way. "Of course. More problems…"

"Hey " one of the generic soldiers shouted, "Isn't that the Renais Princess and her sub-par paladin bodyguard?"

Seth grumbled.

"Yeah, I think they are! Let's beat them up and nab the girly before Commander Bagel steals all the credit for everything!"

The thee soldiers charged. Seth sighed, shoving Eirika off his horse and drawing his sword. He cut down the two men that attacked him, taking a jab from one of the others. He managed to parry another strike, and then defeated the third soldier. "Well, that wasn't so bad."

"Crap," one of the soldiers said, "Now Bagel gets two Princesses!"

"Two?" Eirika looked worried. Seth groaned, knowing what was coming. "They must have Tana! We must go rescue her!"

"Of course. Let's get this over with. I wonder if Frelia is ever going to get here and help…"

* * *

As if on cue, the youthful cavalier, along with a man in overly large green armor, showed up just east of the border castle. "I-it looks like the bad guys just took over!"

The knight, who had a rather hawkish nose and very spiky hair, nodded. "Obviously."

"And-and it looks like the bad guys are Grado!"

"Obviously."

"And-and they must have Princess Tana!"

"Obviously…"

"And-and that's Eirika! She must be going to help!"

"Kid… stop pointing out all the really obvious details, will you? It's really annoying. Infuriating, in fact."

Franz blinked. "Oops… sorry Sir Gilliam. Guess I got carried away. You must have become annoyed."

Gilliam's eye twitched. "OBVIOUSLY."

"Oh, I'm annoying you again…"

"Look, just stop talking, alright? Anymore and I may have to strangle you, you little runt! Now where's that tactician the King made us bring?"

Mathwin, who had been hiding in the background, stepped forward. "That'd be me. Sorry for being such a burden," he muttered sarcastically.

"Apology accepted."

"Oh, aren't you the funny one. Anyway, I guess I have to do the strategy, as usual. Not that anyone cares that my real life aspiration was to be a gourmet chef-"

Gilliam howled in fury. "Stop with the whining and make with the battle plans! By the heavens, what is it with you Renais people?!"

Mathwin sighed. "Geez, sorry. Anyway, my plan is that you go kill stuff. Have fun." With that, the middle-aged strategist sat down underneath a tree and promptly fell asleep.

Gilliam sighed, starting to march with Franz in tow.

* * *

"Why look, Seth! As if on cue, Franz has appeared over there, along with reinforcements!"

"One person? Oh wonderful. I'm sure that that one person will be more than enough to save us all from death."

Eirika and Seth strolled over to where Gilliam and Franz seemed to be keeping all the other soldiers distracted by sticking lances in their torsos. As effective as it sounded, it actually wasn't: Franz ran away whenever an enemy came closer than four feet, and Gilliam's movements and attacks were absurdly slow, and he missed more often than he hit.

Eventually, the managed to defeat the few soldiers assembled, at which point Gilliam turned to notice Seth and Eirika standing there. "You could not possibly have helped with that fight?"

"You seemed to have things under control," Seth said matter-of-factly.

"I thought it was entertaining to watch you two and your comedy of errors."

Seth sighed, shaking his head, while Gilliam muttered some imprecations regarding Renais. "I suppose," he droned, "We had better get to work rescuing Princess Tana."

"Oh yes. I am eager to rescue my dear friend."

Seth managed a half-smile. "It's good to see, Princess, that you are capable of SOME compassion."

"Well no, actually. I was thinking that King Hayden would be more inclined to help us if we saved his daughter from her imminent demise. It's always good to have powerful people in your debt, as my mother says."

"Ah… should have known there was an ulterior motive."

The four set off for the border castle. Franz considered going back to ask Mathwin for orders, but decided that the tactician probably would not want to be woken.

* * *

"Commander Bagel!"

"What did you just call me?"

"Um, Commander BREGUET! The enemy approaches!"

The knight with the now half-fake moustache made a "Pshaw" noise. "Big deal. It's a little girl and a sub-par paladin."

"Actually, now they have a youthful cavalier and a heavily armored knight with them."

Breguet pshawed again. "Four people. So what? Have the grunts take care of them."

"They uh… already killed all the grunts, sir."

"They did? Well shoot, we need to start hiring better grunts! Why the heck do we run at this Princess with progressively stronger troops? We should really just send all of our toughest from the get-go."

"Commander Ba- erm, Breguet? Your orders?"

"Pah! Again with the orders! Just leave them to me when they get here!"

"Whatever you say." With that, the soldier ran away, intending to rush back to Grado, where it was safe. _What an idiot. I could have saved his lazy butt easily. Well, let his arrogance be the end of him!_ The red-haired soldier chuckled to himself.

"Pff, stupid sellswords, thinking they're all that! We'll see who the tough one is when I single-handedly capture TWO princesses in one day!"

As soon as he said that, Eirika and her small entourage arrived at the border castle. Eirika cleared her throat to gain Breguet's attention. "Pardon me, good sir, but I am here to rescue my friend whom you have accosted."

Breguet chuckled. "You'll have to go through ME, missy! And that's no easy thing! I'm called 'The Impregnable Knight' for a reason!"

"Does anyone actually call you that?"

Breguet's haughty expression faded. "Well… yes!"

Seth turned to Gilliam. "As a knight, you should be the best here for matching this brute blow for blow."

Gilliam nodded. _Sure. Give ME all the hard jobs._ The two knights, Breguet in red and Gilliam in green, squared off.

Both charged! Ten minutes later, they were close enough to jab! Ten more minutes later, they were actually leaning forward to strike one another! Then they both lost their balance and fell on their faces.

"Blast it! Someone get me up this instant! Men! Where the heck are you?"

Seth and Franz labored to raise Gilliam, then they accompanied Eirika into the castle. Breguet looked around. "Hello? Anyone there? Anyone going to help me get up? Anyone? Anyone? … Please? I have to use the bathroom!"

* * *

"Princess Tana? Princess Taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaana? Are you theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere?" Gilliam cupped his hands around his mouth. "Princess TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANA?!"

Seth ground his teeth, while Franz stuck a finger in his now deafened ear.

Gilliam rounded a corner, winding up for another shout. "PRINCE- Oof!"

A spindly young woman with a thick blue ponytail leapt on the green knight from behind, knocking him to the ground. The girl made noises rather like a wild cat, tearing at Gilliam and reaching for his face in an attempt to kill him, apparently.

"Princess! I'm on your side! Yowch, get off me already!"

"Tana?"

The princess of Frelia turned to Eirika, then released an earsplitting screech, which caused Franz to fall off his horse and a crack to form in Gilliam's armor. "EIRIKA! You're alive! And you're here! I was waiting for you!"

"Obviously," Gilliam muttered, becoming tired of all the people pointing out the absurdly obvious plot details.

"Yes, and I am grateful, Tana. However, would it not have been better if you had not been captured while waiting for me?"

Tana blinked, looking somewhat insulted. "Well, those Grado attacked all of a sudden, and they WERE looking for you…"

"Still, I would have thought better of the Frelian army. I did not realize that you were weak enough to fall to a generic troop."

"…Why am I friends with you again?"

Seth cleared his throat. "Princess Tana, I assume you were planning on taking us to King Hayden?"

The Frelian Princess turned to Seth, obviously surprised to see him as a Paladin, but then nodded. "Yes. Now that you are here, we should get going."

As she left the room to get the soldiers ready, Eirika turned to Seth. "Why did you interrupt? We were having a rousing conversation."

"Because I was worried that this 'rousing conversation' would lead to Frelia siding with Grado."

* * *

"Men? Are you coming back… soon? I REALLY need to pee, and it's becoming very hot in this armor! I cannot move my arms or legs! I could really use your help!"

"Aw come on. Please?"

* * *

In Castle Frelia, Eirika was taken before King Hayden in a private audience chamber. The king, his gray hair tied behind his head, and an expression of concern on his weathered face. "Ah, Tana! Where have you been? I've been worried sick!"

"Geez, Daddy, I'm fine! I just went to the border between Frelia and the now war torn country of Renais to wait in a weak castle with some token soldiers that EVERYONE knows die right away to wait for Princess Eirika who is being chased by the entire Grado army!"

Hayden had turned a unique shade of green by then, and was stopped from fainting when he saw Eirika enter the room. "Ah, Eirika! I am so relieved to see you are alive! Your mother was so-"

"EIRIKA!" Queen Lorraine rocketed out of nowhere, body slamming her daughter into the ground. "I was so WORRIED!"

"Mother! You're being… compassionate. This is most unlike you."

A moment of awkward silence, before Hayden cleared his throat. "Yes… that would be because…"

"Please, Hayden, let me," Lorraine rose, pulling Eirika up with her, and holding her gently by the shoulders, "During the attack… You father… he- he didn't make it out…"

Eirika was silent, staring at her father in shock. "No… it cannot be…"

"I am sorry, Princess Eirika," Hayden said, looking down, "The Grado army swept through the castle. I am told that General Duessel, who led the army, struck Fado down in battle."

Seth looked at Eirika, expecting her to break down into tears. Yet her eyes were dry. He thought that somewhat odd, but did not say anything.

"I assure you, Queen Lorraine, Princess Eirika, Grado will not go unpunished for this that they have done. Frelia will not stand idly by and let Renais be overrun!"

Seth cleared his throat. "King Hayden, you know that Prince Ephraim has disappeared, don't you?"

"Yes, I've heard. He vanished beyond the borders of Grado not long before Castle Renais fell. I've heard that he was fighting near the fort of Renvall."

"Renvall…" Eirika snapped out of her reverie, "I will go help him, then. With only two men, one experience hog, and several token soldiers who are likely already dead, Ephraim will most likely need help of some kind."

Hayden shook his head. "No! I can't led you rush off into Grado like that! You'll die! I will not betray Fado so!"

"King Hayden is right, Eirika. Charging into Grado would be suicide."

Eirika glanced over at Seth. "I was not asking you."

"He is right all the same," Hayden said, "You have two knights at your command. I cannot spare any soldiers. All of our men are with my son, Innes, fighting the Grado back from the Frelian border."

"I think we should let her go." All in the room turned to stare at Queen Lorraine in surprise. "Ephraim is in a terrible situation right now. While he may be capable, he cannot possibly fight the Grado by himself for long. Who would be better to defend him then his own sister? I always said she had the better head for tactics."

"Mother… thank you."

Hayden frowned. "I cannot agree, but I also cannot deny the Queen of Renais. Eirika, I will give you what little aid I can. A convoy for your things, a few of my retainers to help you, and some gold."

"Thank you, King Hayden. I appreciate it, though I must comment that Frelia has always had more money than it really needs. Couldn't you spare a little bit more?"

Hayden blushed, tugging at his shirt collar nervously. "Oh, well… Oh yes, the retainers! Gilliam! Vanessa! Moulder!"

Gilliam sighed. "You can't be serious…"

Vanessa, a young woman with short green hair moved from where she had been standing by idly, stepped forward. "Yes?" _Please don't send me to Grado, please don't send me to Grado, please don't send me to Grado…_

A man in priestly robes, with a thick brown moustache and short brown hair stepped forward as well, tapping his staff along the way. "Yes, your Grace?"

"You three will be accompanying Eirika to Grado."

"You're serious…"

"As you command." _Dammit! I'm stuck with these idiots on a suicide mission?!_

"Sheesh, I'm a bit OLD for this, aren't I?"

"These three should be of great help to you."

"Thank you, King Hayden."

"Save your thanks for when you return with your brother. I only wish you could stay here where it is safe…"

Eirika turned to leave, followed by Seth (looking rather unhappy) and Franz (looking rather like he hadn't heard and/or listened to any of the conversation). Tana dashed after them. "Eirika! You can't do this-"

"Tana, I must-"

"-Without me! You need me to come and kick all the bad guys' asses along the way! How could you possibly survive without my psycho butt-stomping!"

"T-Tana?"

"Sorry. I got a little carried away there."

"Ah well… Your father would never allow it, especially after that incident with Border Mulan…"

"I know, what a rip-off! I wanted to see Shang! He's sexy!"

Seth rubbed his temple, glad that Tana wasn't coming along after all.

"I'm sorry Tana. I'll be back… with Ephraim."

"Ooh, he's sexy too!"

"Beg pardon?"

"Nothing!"

* * *

While Eirika was packing, her mother entered the room silently. The Princess was startled when Lorraine put her hand on her daughter's shoulder. "Eirika… I do not want you to go."

"But in the audience chamber…"

"I know what I said, and I still stand by it. But deep inside… I wish you would stay here, with me. Now that your father is dead… I don't…"

"Mother…" Eirika, in a show of unaccustomed affection, hugged her mother. "I promise, I'll come back. And I'll bring Ephraim with me. I promise, Mother…"

* * *

As they were setting out, Franz cried out and pointed to a lone figure approaching. Soon, the moaning that emanated from him made it obvious who it was.

"Just leave me in the field, why don't you. Why doesn't anyone ever remember the poor tactician? It's just rude, y'know!"

"Mathwin!" Seth shouted, startling the strategist, "You're just in time to join us on our suicidal mission into the depths of Grado in search of Ephraim!"

"I'm just in time for what now?"


	4. Chapter One X: The Early Side Chapter

-1**Chapter One X: The Earliest Side-Chapter Ever!**

In northern Grado, a group of mysterious figures in shady clothing snuck around the Adlas Plains, on their way to the Grado Keep.

"OH THE PAIN! MY POOR HANDLESS STUMP OF AN ARM!"

"Will someone shut him up! It's hard to sneak most sneakily when he's screaming!"

"But now you're screaming, boss!"

"Well then shut him up so that I stop screaming too!"

"WHY AM I NOT RECEIVING MEDICAL ATTENTION!?"

"I'll give you medical attention! Unhand me, idiot! I'm going to give him some anesthesia the old fashioned way!"

While one mysterious figure restrained another mysterious figure from attacking the third mysterious figure, who was cradling a handless arm and whining occasionally. They were leading a wagon with a single oxen pulling it. Inside the covered wagon, a young girl with indigo hair, bound and gagged, was struggling with the ropes keeping her trapped.

"Blast! I wish Grado wasn't so blasted big! I want to just get this stupid brat to the employer and get home with the cash!"

"So you've said… many times now, boss. But we're not there yet, and it's going to take a little longer. Hopefully the girls will be ready when we get to the checkpoint, so we won't have to worry about enemies."

"Oh shut up with the logic!"

* * *

"Kyle, I have a problem." 

"What now, Forde?" The green-haired cavalier said with a sigh.

"Well, it's Prince Sissy. He's not… as big a sissy anymore. In fact, now he's just plain obnoxious. I want to strangle him. I seriously cannot resist the urge much longer, Kyle."

"Obnoxious? How dare you speak so of our regent!"

"Are you telling me you haven't noticed? Haven't noticed the aggravating fake laughter? Haven't noticed the ridiculous bravado? Haven't noticed how he's always… ORDERING us around?!"

"Not really, no."

"You are such a butt kiss, Kyle!"

At that moment, a peal of heroic laughter split the air as Prince Ephraim strutted onto the scene. "Hello Forde, hello Kyle!" Forde winced at the Prince's voice, which had recently gone from whimpering pansy to Mariana trench deep, "And how are you this fine day?"

"Well, your Grace, and ready to serve!"

Forde muttered, not really answering.

"Now Forde," Ephraim said, wagging his finger admonishingly, "We have to SHARE our feelings."

Kyle sneered at the blonde cavalier, "That's right Forde. SHARE."

Forde glared at Kyle, muttering several imprecations that involved the smooching of Ephraim's back end, before grinning obnoxiously at the Prince and saying in a singsong voice, "Why, I'm super-dee-dooper, Prince Ephraim!"

"That's good! Because we have raiding to do today, so we can continue to keep Renais safe! Now where is that Orson with the scouting reports…"

At that moment, Orson, who had become increasingly pale and sickly in appearance since they had left, approached. He smiled weakly through his scraggly brown beard. "I'm here, my Prince, with the report."

"About time, Orson! As long as you take, some times, I almost question your loyalty!"

"A hah… right… anyway, there is a small caravan heading east toward the capital. One wagon with three guards. They were yelling so loudly that I could hear them from over a mile away."

"Well… good for you. What does that have to do with anything?"

"They were wearing mostly black robe like garments, and appeared rather shady-"

"Then they must be fiends! We must apprehend the villains posthaste!"

Kyle raised his hand. Ephraim rolled his eyes before indicating him. "What if they turn out to be just a group of innocent travelers?"

"They are wearing shady clothing! They must be enemies!"

"And… if they are not?"

"Then I shall feel very guilty, until I forget the whole thing ever happened! Onward!"

As the charged off, a woman with red hair and a black robe emerged from the woods. "Sorry guys, but you know how it is when you just have to go… guys?"

"They left me… AGAIN?! This time they die!"

* * *

"Are we there yet?" 

"No."

"How about now?"

"I AM FEELING DIZZY! I THINK THAT I AM RUNNING OUT OF BLOOD TO LOSE!"

"Oh stop whining, you pansy."

"Um, sir?"

"What?!"

"I think someone is approaching us. It appears to be a group of riders…"

The leader turned to look, then laughed. "It's only three- oh wait, that one guy is doubling up. Fine, so four. Big deal! We can handle four measly cavalier types. And if they're Grado soldiers, all we have to do is show them out papers and we're home free."

The non-leader, non-wounded shady figure shrugged, but kept a hand on his large steel blade, which was rather uncomfortable since it was sheathed on his back. He made a mental note to get a smaller sword later and keep it on his hip, to avoid these kinds of uncomfortable positions.

The three and a half riders arrived, and stopped directly in front of the wagon, forcing the shady figures to a stop. "Halt, villains!" Ephraim shouted, leaping from Forde's horse, "I am Ephraim, Prince of Renais, and I am here to slay you fiends with this lance that is very sharp and painful!"

The leader sighed. "Why does everyone assume we're enemies? Is it the shady outfits? Because it that's it, then I'm sending out a memo to the other members of the organization to start wearing pink."

"Sounds like a plan, sir."

"I WON'T NEED TO, SINCE MY WHOLE SHIRT IS TURNING PINK FROM THE BLOOD!"

"Why the hell haven't you passed out yet?!"

Ephraim scratched his head, confused. "So… are you villains or what?"

The leader turned and shrugged at the Prince. "Depends. Do heroic types like you often kidnap psychotic little girls to deliver to even more psychotic emperors all to fill their own wallets with gold?"

"When the mood suits us, yes."

"Well in that case, we are most certainly not villains. We're just innocent travelers, passing by. Now if you'll please go away and excuse us…"

Kyle raised his hand. Ephraim did not notice. "Oh, of course! Sorry about that, fellow do-gooder! I shouldn't have assumed just because of what you were wearing! How silly of me! As if anyone follows those silly clichés anymore!"

Kyle waved his hand in the air frantically. The leader of the shady figures ignored it. "Well thanks, Princey. See you later." Forde and Orson moved out of the way to let the wagon roll by, the three mysterious figures walking alongside it.

"Such nice gentlemen. Oh, Kyle, sorry. Go ahead, I guess."

Kyle sighed in relief, then pointed at the one-handed man. "What happened to his hand?"

"How should I know?"

Kyle looked at the wagon, then raised his hand again, hissing "ooh, oooooh!" as he did. Ephraim sighed again, pointing at him.

"Why is there a little girl tied up in the back?"

"Oh I don't know, probably because those gentlemen are kidnapping her and taking her to the psychotic emperor. Like they just said, silly!"

Forde tugged at his ponytail. As in, the one on his head, not the one on his horse. "Shouldn't we rescue her then?"

"Huh? Oh… Well, I guess that might be a good idea. CHARGE!"

The two cavaliers and the Prince charged at the wagon from behind, lances ready. Orson, feeling left out as usual, didn't do anything for fear of hogging experience.

"Are they…"

"They are. So much for 'heroic'. Let's slaughter their ugly faces." The three shady figures turned, drawing weapons. The one-handed one attempted to use nunchuks, but found it was rather difficult with only one hand. The leader drew two daggers, while the other guy drew his steel broadsword. "You asked for it, pansy Renais monkey men!"

"Boss, you need to work on your insults. That was just embarrassing."

"Shut up. No one asked you."

Ephraim, typically, engaged the leader. With a "Hyaaaaa-ha!" that sounded most heroic, he stabbed at the man. The enemy dodged, darted forward, and slashed across Ephraim's chest with his blades.

Kyle tried basically the same attack against the sword-wielder, only with the advantage of a steed. It did not help. The opponent grabbed his lance and pulled him off his horse, flinging him to the side.

Forde, rather happy that he got the crippled one, was shocked and dismayed when he missed and received a nunchuk to his face.

"Aw shoot!" Ephraim howled, as the leader managed to leap and kick him with both feet at once and still land standing, "These aren't generic grunts! They're actually skilled fighters!"

Orson glanced over from the magazine he was reading. "Want my help?"

"That's okay, we're fine!" Kyle said, as the sword-wielder repeatedly kicked him in the stomach.

"Says you!" Forde was too busy running away from the nunchuk-wielder to attack.

"Geez, can't you losers do ANYTHING without my help?" The abrasive, angry, and generally unpleasant voice of the tactician Karson interrupted the out of place conversation. The red-haired woman, looking angry (as usual), stomped over to where Kyle was being kicked.

"Kyle, roll over, grab your lance, and stab him!"

"Oh… why didn't I think of that?" Kyle did as he was told, and managed to knock the warrior off balance.

"Now throw it at stumpy over there!"

"I RESENT THAT, YOU ANGRY WITCH! IT'S NOT MY FAULT MY HAND WAS BITTEN OFF- GWAH!"

"Well you've got bigger problems than a missing limb now, bucko! Forde, Kyle, go help Ephraim! Surround the leader and do a triangle attack!"

Forde goggled at Karson. "But only Falcoknights can do that! And I'm pretty sure I'm not a pansy with a girly pegasus!"

"Do it already! I'm a tactician, so I can bend the rules of the cosmos to my every whim!"

The two cavaliers, Kyle missing his horse, stood behind the leader, who was easily dodging Ephraim's attacks and slicing at the Prince. The way they stood, the three knights of Renais formed a triangle around the enemy.

"Stop with the drama and attack him already!" Kyle and Forde charged just as Ephraim did. Lacking anywhere to run, the fighter was cut by all three lances, but managed to slip away before taking any fatal wounds.

"Crap, I can't believe two cavaliers and a Prince actually did a triangle attacks! And here I thought only pansy pegasus knights could do that!"

"That's what I said!"

Karson grinned nastily. "Another benefit to having someone as genius as me leading the team.

The leader spat, then turned to his only surviving companion, who did not look hurt at all. "Come on, Gerik. We're making our getaway now."

"What about the wagon? We can't leave the girl…"

"Emperor what's-his-name can come get her herself! I've got better things to do, and the wagon goes too slow to escape with. Now come on!" With that, the two shady figures disappeared in a token cloud of smoke.

Ephraim cheered. "We did it!"

Karson grimaced. "All thanks to ME! You losers would have been killed if I hadn't come along!"

Ephraim ignored her and went to the wagon, cutting the small girl loose. "Are you al-"

He was shocked to be punched in the face, and then propelled away from the wagon by a very angry little girl. "What took you losers so long to rescue me?! I've been stuck listening to these idiots argue for two days now! And why did you let them steal my dragonstone?! You couldn't have gotten that?! And where is Saleh?! He was supposed to take care of me! Now who is going to get me to the source of the dark energy?! Huh? WHO?!"

Karson rubbed her temple in frustration. "Thanks a bundle, Princey. Now we have another basket case to take care of. Between Picasso, Brownnose, Zombie, and the Idiot Prince, we're practically a circus!"

"And furthermore… I demand some funnel cake THIS INSTANT!"

* * *

After more screaming and funnel cake, the girl was calmed down enough to reveal that her name was Myrrh and that she was on a sacred mission to save Magvel from a mysterious doom that she did not know the details of. 

"And you people shall be helping me!"

"Of course! That's what heroes do!"

"You people are such losers… Why oh WHY couldn't that moron Fado have sent Mathwin to this waking nightmare?!"


	5. Chapter Two: The Protected

-1**Chapter Two: The Protected**

_With the supplies and soldiers from King Hayden, Eirika sets off for Grado to find her brother. According to rumor, Ephraim was last sighted in central Grado, near the fortress of Renvall, apparently still harrying the empire's forces._

_On the way to Grado, Eirika's group stops in the village of Ide, which is actually a valley with four villages, thus the whole 'village' thing being a misnomer. Here, Eirika will witness more bad things, of course_

* * *

"Mathwin suggested earlier that the easiest way to get into Grado would be through Serafew, since it's jointly ruled by Renais and Grado." 

The middle-aged priest Moulder nodded in approval. "Seems like a good idea. Obviously Mathwin isn't as useless as I originally thought."

"You're telling me," Eirika said.

Mathwin sighed. "It's like they don't even notice I'm here…"

"Oh, we noticed," Eirika said, not looking at him, "It's just that your feelings don't matter to me, as you're really nothing but a civil servant."

The tactician started to reply, then shut his mouth and walked away.

Moulder cleared his throat. "Anyway, the plan might be muddled to some degree if we encounter Grado soldiers. While a few of us may be proficient fighters, I doubt we can handle the better trained among Grado's forces."

"O-oh my…"

"What is it, your Grace?"

"You speak in complete sentences! For a peasant, you are surprisingly intelligent!"

Moulder frowned. "I'm not a peasant. I'm actually the uncle of a lord in Frelia. I'm rather well educated, thank you very much."

"My apologies. By your moustache and the fact that you were just a grunt priest, I was certain you were a peasant."

Moulder turned away. "Princess Eirika, from here on out, I would ask that you don't talk to me."

Eirika shrugged, walking past Moulder to walk alongside Vanessa, who was astride her winged steed. "So you're a pegasus knight, are you?"

_Oh no, now she's going to bother me? What did I do to deserve this?_ "Yes, your Grace."

"I hear that Pegasus knights are all rather flimsy, very vulnerable to attacks from archers, and overall rather worthless in combat. Is this true?"

"A-ah… I suppose…"

"Then why are we bringing you along?"

_Good question. Why do I have to be with you people on this suicide mission?!_ "I wouldn't know, Princess."

"Let us discuss it. Perhaps your attractiveness makes King Hayden feel uncomfortable, and thus he wants to remove you before you tempt him-"

"I'm going to scout ahead for… enemies or something. Be back later!" With that, Vanessa spurred her pegasus into flight, soaring away from the group. _Thank all that is holy! What a witch!_

Eirika made a "hmm" noise, then looked back at Moulder. "She seems very sincere."

"Sincere? Where the hey did you get that from? Did you just open a dictionary and use the first adjective that jumped out at you?"

"Why? Is she insincere?"

"Well… no, but still, she didn't do anything particularly sincere!"

Eirika shrugged, then went to walk by Gilliam. The knight immediately veered away from her. Eirika didn't seem to notice, and started talking to him as though he were still there. "So I hear that knights are so slow they rarely make it in time to actually fight. Is this true?"

Seth slapped Franz over the head, causing him to turn away from staring at Eirika. "Owie! Why'd you do that, Sir Seth?"

"Because staring is rude. I know she's a vicious, mean-hearted, snobby witch, but you still aren't allowed to stare."

"Sorry Sir Seth…"

"Remember, as a knight, you must set an example for others. You must be upright and dignified at all times. That's ALL TIMES. Understood?"

"Yes Sir…"

* * *

Meanwhile, Vanessa had flown over a small mountain range and spotted a village below. As she was watching, she noticed a crowd of dirty looking men with large axes approaching. _Aw crap. Bandits! I have to go tell the others. Wait, why? I don't want to fight them. They all have axes, and axes are bad for my flimsy little lance…_ As she was considering, she overheard what the bandits were saying, despite the large distance. They were shouting rather loudly, after all. 

"LOOKIE BAZBA! A VILLAGE RIPE FOR THE PILLAGING!"

"WOOHOO! FOUR VILLAGES, AND NOT A SOLDIER TO STOP US! NOPE, NOT A SINGLE SOLDIER! NOT EVEN ONE PEGASUS KNIGHT THAT'S WATCHING US EVEN AS I SHOUT SO LOUDLY THAT THE PONTIFF IN RAUSTEN CAN HEAR ME! I LOVES ME A GOOD WAR!"

"WHY'S THAT, BAZBA?"

"BECAUSE ALL THE SOLDIERS ARE TOO BUSY KILLING EACH OTHER TO KILL US! SO NOW WE CAN PILLAGE WITH RELATIVE IMP- IMPUN- WE CAN PILLAGE ALL WE WANT!"

* * *

Pope Mansel pulled the pillow off his head, grabbed his broom, and started beating the ceiling with it. "Quiet down already! We're trying to sleep!" 

* * *

"DID YOU HEAR SOMETHING, BAZBA?" 

"ARE YOU KIDDING? I CAN BARELY HEAR MYSELF THINK WITH ALL THIS SHOUTING! NOW GO PILLAGE THE VILLAGE!"

Vanessa turned to fly back to Eirika's group.

In the village, a large man with a beard was dragging his young and spindly son to the village exit. "Dad, where are we going?"

"Are you kidding me? Did you NOT just hear the ridiculously loud shouting? We're about to be under attack!"

"Then how come we're the only ones fleeing?"

The father looked around, realizing that no one else was fleeing the village. He shrugged. "I guess nobody came to warn them, take the item the village offered, and close the gates. Now let's skedaddle!" The two ran just as the bandits entered. One of the bandits took a swipe at the axe fighter and his son, but they continued.

Once they were a small distance from the village, the man turned to his son and gasped. "Ross, you're wounded!"

The boy grinned, "Nah, just a scratch!"

"Ross, your arm is _hanging by a thread_! You call that a scratch?"

"It's not as bad as when I chopped my own eye out! I still wish I had a glass one, instead of this itchy wooden-"

"Bleargh, shaddup already! I'm not losing you like… like your mother!"

"Um, Dad…"

"I'll never forgive myself for not being there when she died!"

"But Dad…"

The man was sobbing while a hefty woman, her dress singed, approached and started beating the man over the head with a frying pan. "How could you leave me there, Garcia?! You insensitive jerk!"

"Oh… my poor wife… dead these past ten years…"

"I'm standing right here, you nincompoop! I'm ALIVE!"

"Ross, I'm getting you out of here! Now if ONLY there was a convenient rescuer to take you to safety and get your arm sewn back on!"

"You let our son's arm get cut off?! What kind of father are you?!"

"Mom, I'm okay-"

"Ross! Your mother is dead! Stop pretending that she's right behind me!" Garcia rubbed his head where his wife was repeatedly striking it with a frying pan. "MAN I've got a headache."

* * *

"Princess Eirika!" Vanessa touched down just in front of the group, pointing frantically toward the ruined village, "A group of bandits are attacking the people!" 

Eirika tapped her cheek. "So?"

"S-so?" Moulder looked at her quizzically, "Aren't you going to try to save them?"

"No. Why would I? It's just some random, nameless villagers that I don't care about. As long as they pay their taxes…"

"Um, Princess?" Seth tapped her shoulder, "If they're dead, they can't pay taxes."

Eirika blinked. "Really? Well in that case, we must ride to their aid! Mathwin, cook up a strategy!"

The tactician sighed, scratching his cheek. "Well, first off, I guess the pegasus lady should go back to the village and see if anyone else can be rescued."

"Understood." _Oh sure, send the poor pegasus knight to deal with the big, tough bandit with her flimsy little stick of a lance. Don't send one of the big, strong horsemen! But when there aren't any people to rescue over a long distance, nobody wants me around!_ Vanessa flew off.

"Moustache-"

"Moulder."

"Whatever. Moustache, go wait for Vanessa. The people being rescued might need healing. Oh, and Eirika, you go wait there too. You might need to talk to them to convince them to help out. Everyone else, get ready to fight off the bandits. They'll probably charge through that small pass in the mountains, so we can catch them there."

Seth glanced over at the two villages nearby. "Shouldn't we see if the villagers can offer us any aid?"

Mathwin shrugged. "I'll do that."

"And that one over there, where all the bandits are going?"

"Vanessa can go there when she comes back."

"But won't the bandits get her?"

"Possibly."

Seth stared at Mathwin, shook his head, then rode off, while the tactician went to the two nearest villages.

* * *

Garcia smashed in several bandit faces with his axe, while Ross poked at his almost unattached arm. His mother was nagging him about that when a pegasus literally landed on her. Vanessa held out a hand to Ross. "Come with me if you want to live!" 

Ross stared at her, his tongue starting to hang out. "S-sure…"

"Ross!" His mother struggled under the winged horse, "Ross, don't talk with strangers! Even ones you find hot! Ross, are you listening to me?!" The young man was pulled onto the pegasus, and the two flew away. "Garcia! Did you NOT just notice that some sexy pegasus knight just kidnapped your son?"

Garcia glanced over. "Hey?! Where is the sexy pegasus knight with my son?!"

"A HAH! You can hear me, you lying pig! I'm going to kill you as soon as I can feel my legs!"

The leader of the bandits whispered "Bone…"

"WHAT'S THAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU BOSS!"

"Bone, all the yelling has given me laryngitis. I'm going back to the hideout. You go-"

"WHAT?"

Bazba sighed. "GO PILLAGE THE VILLAGE!" He then started to massage his neck as he turned to leave.

* * *

Vanessa landed by Moulder and Eirika, shoving the wounded boy off. "That little pig tried to grab my chest!" 

Eirika blinked. "And you didn't let him?"

Vanessa stared at her, then flew away. The Princess shrugged, then directed Moulder to heal the boy while she kneeled by him to talk. "What's your name?"

"I'm Ross, son of the Great Garcia, defender of Ide!"

"Aren't you a little spindly to be a defender?"

"Well, I'm still in training… Anyway, you're going to help my parents, right? They're still fighting all the bandits."

"Oh sure, I'll have Vanessa go save them in a minute, I guess. For now, you should to hide."

"But I wanna fight!"

"You're a little kid. You couldn't POSSIBLY be able to help."

Ross grimaced, then noticed that his arm was reattached. "Wooh! Thanks Moustache!"

"…Moulder…"

* * *

A young woman in one of the nearby villages ran over to Mathwin when he entered. "Are you going to save us from the bandits?" 

Mathwin pondered that for a moment. "Indirectly, yes," he droned in his usual monotone.

"What do you mean, indirectly?"

"Well, I'm going to TELL people to save you. I'm too much of a coward to actually fight myself. But that does not mean that you should not lavish me with gratitude and gifts."

"I dunno… maybe I should wait for that sexy red-haired mercenary to come back…"

"Mercenary?"

"Oh yes! He was a sellsword, but he was so elegant and dignified! I'd almost say he was royalty! He gave me this elixir…" She held up a blue potion, gazing at it lovingly, "Oh… I'll never drink it, it's so beautiful…"

"Uh huh… Why don't you give it to me? As part of the 'Save my ass' fund?"

"Never!" Mathwin jumped on her, wrestling for the elixir. Eventually, he managed to jump away, elixir in hand. "No! That's the only way my love will be able to recognize me some day! He said 'Show me this elixir and I'll smother you with love'!"

Mathwin edged closer. "You know… I'm available for smothering…"

Mathwin left the village with a red handprint on his face. "No one appreciates what we tacticians go through…"

* * *

_I can't believe they're sending me off by myself AGAIN! Flying off to some other village, all by myself, with stupid bandits all around- Crap, there they are!_

Vanessa ducked her steed into a forest while a crowd of bandits, led by the decidedly unattractive Bone, headed to the village.

_How am I supposed to get by them to the village now?! Geez, I have to do everything!_

* * *

"Hello? Anyone home?" 

Only two villagers seemed to be around in the other village Mathwin entered. One of them was a beautiful woman with blonde hair and a regal looking outfit, astride a horse. She glanced over at him as he approached. "Can we help you, sir?"

"Yeah, gimme your goods and close your gates. It's all for the 'save your ass' fund."

"I see… well this solves my dilemma," The blonde woman smiled at the other villager, "I was worried that I would have to go outside my orders and protect these villagers."

Mathwin blinked. "Oh, are you from Frelia?"

"No. I am General Selena, the Fluorspar of Grado. Hm? Is something wrong? You've gone pale with terror."

"Gr-Grado?!"

"Yes. Is that a problem."

"Well yeah! It's your fault the bandits are even able to kill people, ya big jerk!"

Selena looked down in shame. "I-I never imagined that… Well, it doesn't matter. I assume you are some sort of mercenary?"

"I'm a tactician lady, for Pr- Erm, for some mercenaries, yeah."

"Very well. Accept this as payment. Go stop those bandits." Selena handed him a red gem, which made Mathwin's eyes bulge.

"Th-this is a very valuable gem!"

"Is it too much? I can give you something less if you-"

"No! This is good! Thanks lady!" Mathwin turned and ran before Selena could take it back.

Selena pursed her lips thoughtfully. "Not many mercenaries can be bothered to employ tacticians…"

* * *

Seth fidgeted impatiently on his horse. "Where are those bandits?! They should be here by now!" 

Gilliam and Franz were standing beside him, soon joined by Eirika, Moulder, Ross, and then Mathwin. The Princess turned to the tactician. "Did you find anything useful?"

"Um… nope! Not a thing! These people were real misers!"

"Mathwin," Seth asked, looking irritable, "Where are the bandits? They should be here by now…"

"Well if my plan worked, they won't be getting here before we can be getting out."

Eirika turned to him. "What plan?"

"The plan to make Vanessa lure them away while we run for it!"

Franz scowled at Mathwin, "That's very not chivalrous!"

"Your grammar aside, I don't mind." He then gasped in shock and pointed over the mountains toward the village Vanessa had been sent to. The pegasus knight was flying toward them, covered in blood, gore, and for some reason, syrup.

She landed by then, glaring at Mathwin. "You! I had to kill all the blasted bandits!"

Mathwin was staring at her in shock. "You-You actually killed them all? How did you do that with a useless little slim lance?!"

"Let's just say it was messy."

Eirika rubbed some of the syrup off her. "And why are you covered in this?"

"I don't want to get into details."

Seth threw his sword down. "I don't get to kill ANY bandits, then?!"

Moulder pointed at Bone, who was staggering over. Vanessa sighed. "Guess I didn't finish one off."

Seth cheered, then realized his sword was on the ground. He tried to reach down without falling off his horse, but couldn't reach. Straining, he didn't notice an axe fly out of nowhere and kill Bone in one strike. When he was sitting up again on his horse, he threw his sword back down again in frustration. "I never get to do anything!"

Garcia staggered over, muttering. "What idiot thought it was a good idea to invent throwing axes? They never come back-" The handaxe chose them to fly back and smack him in the head, knocking him down.

"Dad!" Ross ran to him, at which point Garcia looked up and grinned.

"Your arm is reattached! And you're not dead! Huzzah!"

"Yes, but…" Ross looked down in shame, "Th people from our village…"

"It's alright, Ross. We can't always save everyone. I'm just glad you're safe," He glanced up to see Eirika's group approaching, "I hope you aren't more bandits."

Seth had retrieved his sword again, and was sheathing it as he said "No. We helped drive them off."

Vanessa stared to argue, then snapped her mouth shut. _We?! I did all the work! All you losers did was stand around! I had to rescue the pervert kid and kill all the bandits!_

"I am Princess Eirika, your regent. You may bow in reverence now." She raised an eyebrow in annoyance when they did not comply. "Well?"

Ross scowled at her. "Why should we bow? Your army doesn't protect us! Those Grado take all our things, and those bandits trample through our villages!"

"Ross!"

"Well it's true! I don't care about any stupid Princesses! Where was she when we needed her?"

"You mean," Eirika pointed out, "Like now, when you were under attack?"

_You didn't do anything! I did all the work!_ Vanessa's mouth set into a snarl.

Seth approached Garcia, staring at him. "Are you not… the Great Garcia?"

"No, I AM the Great Garcia."

"That's what I-"

"No, you said 'are you NOT'. That's a negative."

"Fine, are you not not the Great Garcia?"

Franz poked his superior, "That's a double negative, sir."

"Oh for- Fine, are you the Great Garcia?"

"Why yes, I am."

Eirika looked over at Seth. "Who?"

The paladin turned to his princess, "He is a well-known troop commander from Renais. He retired a few years ago. While he certainly wasn't knight material, he proved useful in repelling several Grado raiding parties," Seth turned back to Garcia, "How about serving your country again, Great Garcia?"

The bearded man grimaced, "Flattered, but no, I'm not interested in being pressed into service. If it were anyone other than Eirika here, I might have considered, but… she's the sort of uncaring noble that made me want to quit."

Eirika blinked. "What did you say?"

"I lived my life in war, serving people I would never meet, who would never know my name. Then one day, I found out that my wife had died, and I met the child I had never known. It was then that I gave up being a soldier."

The hefty woman from earlier returned, and started beating Garcia over the head again. "I'm not dead, you moron! I'm right here!"

Seth frowned at Garcia. "I will not force you. I honestly don't blame you for not wanting to be stuck with this tyrant…"

"Well, thanks for respecting my choice."

"You- you blasted fool!" Ross shouted, unexpectedly.

"Ross!"

"How can you just turn yourself on something so important to you?! Being a fighter is who you are! You need to continue to be a fighter! It's who you are!"

"Ross.. You're right. Slaughtering everyone who dares stand against me is my destiny! I will continue to be a killer!"

Moulder shook his head. "This is the most lopsided moral I've ever heard…"

Garcia turned to Eirika. "Princess, if you would still have me, I want to join you! It seems my son grew up while I wasn't looking."

"Grew up into a mass murderer," Moulder muttered.

Eirika nodded. "Even though you are a peasant and thus inherently less intelligent than I, I will accept whatever meager help you can offer."

Garcia and Ross glared at Eirika, but did not comment. Seth rubbed his temple, sighing. Garcia's wife continued to literally browbeat him.

Moulder turned to Gilliam. "I don't know about you, but I can't wait to be brutally killed by the Grado."

"Obviously."

Vanessa scraped at the syrupy coating on her armor with a knife produced from her bag. _Stupid King, stupid princess, stupid empire, stupid bandits, stupid pre-adolescent, stupid world!_

Franz approached Ross as the party started to move to a more comfortable resting place. "You look young and uncouth, so I officially take you as my pupil!"

Ross blinked at the cavalier. "Do what now?"

Franz smiled condescendingly, "Simple. I'm going to teach you to be polite, since you are clearly a filthy peasant."

Ross glared at him. "Are all knights jerks? Or is it just you?"

Mathwin was counting the money in his pouch when Moulder approached. "Where'd you get all the money, strategist."

Mathwin shoved the purse into his pocket. "I, uh, didn't sell off all the stuff I found in those villages! Speaking of which, Vanessa, what did you find?"

The pegasus knight, glanced up at him. "Oh, this pure water here."

"Well, toss it over."

Vanessa glanced at the bottle, which she was using to pour the water on her messy armor. "Um, alright…"

When she threw it, Mathwin fumbled the bottle and dropped it. He shattered on the ground. "Well shoot… oh well, it was almost empty. Probably wasn't worth much at the shop- I mean, probably not much help since there was only enough for one more. Say Vanessa, what happened to the rest? That stuff is good for raising resistances, you know."

Vanessa glanced at her armor, which seemed to be glowing slightly. "Um… dunno. Must've spilled… Or something…"

* * *

A bald villager with a moustache approached the group after they set up camp. "Why, why thank you for saving us Princess Eirika!" 

The Princess turned to him, scowling disapprovingly. "Oh… another scruffy peasant. You're welcome I suppose."

"I'm also flattered that you don't want any reward!"

"When did I say that?"

The man cleared his throat. "Well… anyway, it's been terrible around here lately! Those dreadful Bazba's bandits tear up our homes and rob everything!"

"Lovely. Anyway, about the reward…"

"Not a thing we can do! Absolutely nothing! Oh, if ONLY someone would save us!"

"Look-"

"Isn't there anyone who can save us from this terrible plague of bandits?! Hey, nice bracelet! Better be careful the bandits don't take it…"

Eirika sighed, then waved the peasant away. When he walked away glumly, she glanced at her bracelet. "This… father gave me this… And Ephraim has its twin. Which is rather dehumanizing and crushing to my sense of individuality."

Mathwin sighed. "Well, I smell a flashback coming on."

Franz blinked at him. "How can you tell?"

"Tactician's intuition."

* * *

_One year and a half earlier, Ephraim and Eirika had stood together in the courtyard of Castle Renais, Ephraim with his lance, Eirika with a rapier. "What's the meaning of all this, Eirika?"_

"_Ephraim, I want to learn to fight, like you."_

"_But- but you're a girl! Father said women don't fight…"_

"_Well, I'm tired of relying on you to protect me, since you are too much of a coward to actually protect anyone other than yourself."_

"_Well… okay Eirika. But… don't hit me too hard, okay?"_

"_Yes, yes, I know. Let's just start already."_

* * *

In the present, a young man with blue hair, tied into a mess of braids at the back, and wearing a ragged cloak, slammed into Eirika, causing her to fall over and snap back into reality. "Woops! Sorry ma'am!" He scurried away, before glancing at his hand and cursing. "I missed!" 

"Hey! What ever happened to common courtesy… Oh, are you here to help me up?" Eirika stood with the young man fidgeting as he stood over her. As soon as she was standing, he knocked her over again. "Hey!"

"Sorry again! Now, I'll just- blast it, I messed up again! Oh forget all this subtle stuff!" He ran over, grabbed Eirika by the wrist, and wrenched her bracelet off before scampering away.

Seth finally strolled over and helped her up. "You alright, Princess?"

"Yes… Where were you earlier?"

"Well, I was… erm…. Oh never mind. At least you don't seem wounded. Did he take anything?"

"Just my bracelet. Honestly, I'm glad to be rid of it. It was rather crushing to my individuality, having a matching bracelet to my brother."

"Ah!"

"What?"

"We must get that bracelet at any cost! Come!"


	6. Chapter Three: The Bandits of Borgo

-1**Chapter Three: The Bandits of Borgo**

_Chasing a thief, Eirika's group is soon very off course from their original plan. But Seth refuses to waver: Something makes the bracelet of prime importance, something of which Eirika is not aware._

_This is what you call "plot thickening", if you couldn't tell._

* * *

Upon Borgo Ridge, a small and dilapidated fortress watched gloomily over the forests of Renais. Once a military outpost, after Fado called the troops away, bandits moved in and took over.

Bazba, the leader of the bandits (who had a very impressive nose) was sitting on his throne, watching his men drag in booty. Most of the bandits scowled as they entered the room, wondering why Bazba insisted on having meetings in the stronghold's master bathroom.

"So where the heck is Bone?"

One of the bandits scratched his head, thinking. "Never showed up. Guess his party got distracted."

"Pff! I smell conspiracy! Bone must be plotting against me!"

"Don't be ridiculous. He's dead." The burly men jumped in alarm when they noticed a lithe man with long black hair in a ponytail and a sharply pointed beard on his chin suddenly appear among them. He scowled at the bandit grunts, shooing them away, then kicked through the stolen goods to reach Bazba.

The bandit leader recoiled in fright. "M-master Terel! Whaddya want? It's not time for the payment!"

"New orders from our employers, Bazba. I want you on the lookout for one Princess Eirika, of Renais. She has a bracelet that the employer wants."

The bandit blinked, staring at his leader. "What is it, Bazba?"

"It's… your outfit. What happened to the shady robes? You're wearing pink now, and I can actually see your face!"

"The black was getting too cliché. Pink's the new company policy. As a splinter arm, though, your men aren't required to comply."

"Oh good. I don't want to look like a girl!" Bazba laughed uproariously, to Terel's consternation.

"Lovely. Anyway, I'll be staying here for a little while. You make sure to find this Princess and her bracelet and deliver it to me."

"Deliver which? The princess or the bracelet?"

"I said 'it'. That means the bracelet, you moron!"

"Well, you should really be more clear when using pronouns, boss. It gets confusing when you don't clarify what 'it' is."

"Just find the bracelet!"

"But won't that mean finding the girl too?"

"Well obviously…"

"So should we find the bracelet or the girl?"

"Grah! Find the girl, take the bracelet, and give the bracelet to me! And for the love of mercy, unless you're using it, find a better seat then this throne!"

* * *

Mathwin shook his head in dismay when they came to the gates of the fort. "This is crazy. We're going to break into this place just to get some stupid bracelet?"

"It's not just a stupid bracelet! That bracelet is vital to the future of Renais!"

Eirika blinked at Seth. "How?"

"Well, um…" The red-haired knight scratched the back of his neck, "Let's- Let's just say it's a secret! Something I'm not supposed to tell you about!"

Eirika rolled her eyes, turning back to the fort. "We're risking our lives and my brother's life for a bracelet of unknown importance? Sounds stupid. But so is going to Grado at all, so I suppose it doesn't matter. Let's get going."

Gilliam sighed, following the others, at his usual snail's pace, when he heard a timid squeak behind him. Assuming it was a mouse, he waved his hand behind him to shoo it off, and accidentally hit someone. "Oh, sorry-"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Gah! Calm down! You're not that badly-"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Franz rode over, staring at the young woman with oddly styled pink hair, sitting on the ground and sobbing loudly. "I think you hurt her!"

Gilliam ground his teeth, covering his ears. "Obviously!"

Moulder and Vanessa strolled over, soon followed by the rest of the group. Vanessa helped the girl up, murmuring comforting words while Moulder checked her for wounds. "That's quite a lump on your head. That Gilliam is often a brute without meaning to be."

Gilliam muttered and walked away.

Eirika approached when the girl stopped wailing. "Why are you following us?"

The girl sniffed, making a noise similar to a sink draining, which caused everyone within a few feet to flinch. "I-I'm Neimi. I'm from a village called Lark that- that used to be near here. And… and my only surviving friend went in there!"

Moulder tugged at his moustache. "Please continue."

Neimi started to tear up as she said in a sudden rush: "Hewantedtofindmymirrorthatthemeanbanditsstolefromemeandhehasn'tcomebackandIdon'tknowwhattodobecausehecan'thandlethembyhimselfandhe'sbeengoneforalongtimeandI'mworriedbecausehe'stheonlyoneleft"

Moulder blinked, rubbing a finger in his ear. "Well um-"

"SomeonehastosaveColmbeforethemeanbanditshurthimbutIcan'tbymyselfbecauseI'mascaredycatandI'mreallyworriedandpleasehelphimhisnameisColmI'msoworriedabouthim!"

Moulder turned to Mathwin. "Did you get any of that."

"Any of what?"

The priest shook his head. "Never mind."

Vanessa patted Neimi's shaking shoulder comfortingly. "We'll find him." _Because we just LIVE to serve, Sally Sob Story! We don't have ANYTHING better to do than save your stupid boyfriend!_

"Because we just LIVE to serve, Sally Sob Story. We don't have ANYTHING better to do than save your stupid boyfriend." Eirika said.

Vanessa blinked, shocked. Neimi burst into sobs again. Moulder sighed, patting her on the shoulder and turning to Eirika. "We're going in the fort. We might as well look for her friend while we're in there."

The Princess shrugged, then turned to enter. The rest of the party followed, including Neimi. Moulder and Vanessa turned to her. "Young lady," the priest asked, "It might be safer for you to stay out here. I'm sure Vanessa would be glad to stay and protect you.

"Of course." _The hell? Stay out here? I don't want to stay out here! I want to go beat up some stupid bandits! Why do I get stuck with the crybaby?_

"N-no. My grandfather taught me how to use the bow, a little, so I can help… a little. Please?"

Moulder shrugged. "If you think you can, then we would be glad for your help. Let's go, Vanessa."

"Of course." _The hell? Go in there? Can't I stay out here where it's safe? I don't want to fight bandits! They have those stupid axes that snap my stupid little stick lance! Why do I get stuck with the crybaby?_

* * *

Meanwhile, a certain young man with blue hair with a mess of braids entered the fort, strutting by the bandits, waving to a few. "Hey TGIF!" "Working hard or hardly working, eh?" "Hey Mac, how's the wife?"

The bandits blinked at him, too off-guard to stop him. The thief waltzed right into Bazba's bathroom. "Heya boss, 'sappening?"

The bandit leader lowered his newspaper to glower at the youth. "Colm. What do you want?"

"What do I want? Why, to bask in your radiance!"

"Hah hah, very am- amu- very funny!"

"Alright, fine. I want to cash in for my loot."

Bazba sighed, folding up the newspaper. Colm cried out in horror and shielded his eyes, until peeking to realize that the bandit still had pants on. The youth emptied his pockets, revealing an impressive bounty. "We got a monocle, hairbrush, silverware, glass bowls, DVD, bracelet, eye patch, tiara, Macintosh computer- You know these are pretty nice."

"Yeah, I'd bet- hey wait, what did you say before that?"

"Tiara?"

"Before that."

"DVD?"

"No, after that!"

"Eye patch?"

"Oh for- no, the thing that started with a B!"

Colm blinked, looking down at his stash. He stooped to pick a trinket up, twirling it in his hands. "Oh-ho, this baby. You want this?"

"Of course!"

"I'd be willing to part with this for a… reasonable price."

Bazba scowled, reaching into his pocket and tossing a hefty pouch filled with gold at the thief. Colm cheered, pocketed it, then threw it to the bandit leader. "Oh, and one more thing. A certain mirror that you took from the village of Lark."

Bazba ground his teeth. "You've been holding out on me, Bassie. No matter what I bring, you won't trade for the mirror. If you want this, you'll have to."

The bandit cursed, then took the mirror from his wall. "And it looks so good with the new wallpaper!" He handed it to Colm, who stumbled under the weight of the huge wall mirror. "Now hand it over!"

"Gotcha, one brownie, coming up. Geez, the stuff you people do for sweets."

Bazba snatched the confection from the thief's hand, cackling. "Perfect! This is what Terel wanted from me! Now I'll get my reward, and I didn't even need to deal with the brat who had this!"

Colm blinked, struggling under the weight of the mirror. "Uh, sure thing boss." He turned away. "Heh, sucker. I stole that from a fat old lady! He probably really wanted this bracelet!"

"What's that, Colm?"

"Nothing! See ya later!" With that, the blue-haired youth staggered away. Bazba studied the brownie, but shrugged. He started to sit back down on the throne when several bandits charged in.

"Hey! This is boss's private time!"

"Boss! Soldiers! Soldiers are breaking into the hideout!"

"Say what?! This is an em-emerg-emer- This is a bad thing!"

* * *

Eirika looked around after Garcia broke the door, scowling at the rundown building. "What a ramshackle establishment. Can't these bandits hire a maid of some kind?"

Seth sighed. "I doubt they really care that much."

"Well still-"

Moulder cleared his throat. "My lady, we might want to start soon. That girl Neimi is in tears again, and I believe the bandits will be converging on our position soon. We weren't exactly subtle when we entered, what with the whole breaking down the door thing."

Eirika nodded, turning to Mathwin. "Strategy?"

Mathwin rolled his eyes. "Yeah yeah, don't actually bother talking to me until you want something…" He looked around the room, nodding, "Well, those walls look pretty weak. I bet we can smash through them, assault the bandits from multiple directions. So a couple tough guys head that way, and everyone else heading up through that hallway. Oh, and look for keys. I bet those bandits have some phat lewt around."

Seth blinked. "Some what now?"

"Tactician lingo. Don't ask. Garcia, Ross, Gilliam, you break down the wall. Everyone else, northward!"

The troops complied. Garcia's axe made short work of the already collapsing wall, which crumbled onto an unfortunate bandit who happened to be sitting there. Gilliam stumped through, with Ross shoving at him from behind. "Move it, fatso! Geez, you're slow!"

"Obviously, you runt."

Meanwhile, Colm was making his way out of the fort, still struggling not to drop the huge mirror, but also ogling several chests along the way. He thought for a moment, then grinned. "I'm just going to abandon these jerks. Might as well help myself to some of their goods while I'm here. I'm sure they won't miss any of it… too much. Not that I'd care if they did." He leaned the mirror against a wall, then set to picking the chests open.

Eirika's group rounded the corner just then, Neimi near the back, still crying occasionally. When she noticed Colm, she let out a high-pitched squeal reminiscent of the one Tana had made a few chapters ago and ran to Colm. The thief shot up, only to be tackled to the floor. "Neimi! What have I told you about following me?! Honestly, you're hopeless!"

"Colm! IwassoworriedaboutyoubecauseyouwentoffonyourownandIwassureyouwoulddie!"

"Neimi! Space bar is our friend!"

Eirika pointed at the thief. "That's the one who stole my bracelet!"

Seth rode over to him, grabbing him by the scruff of his neck and shaking him roughly. "Alright you hooligan! Where's the bracelet?"

"Yow! What bracelet? I didn't take no- Ow, not the EAR!"

Eirika raised an eyebrow at Seth. "I didn't realize you were so matronly."

Seth scowled at the princess as he twisted the young man's ear mercilessly. "Okay, okay! It's here! Just lemme go!"

The paladin released, at which point Colm ran away, cackling. "Sucker!" He attempted to barge through the door, forgetting that it was locked. After getting up off the floor, he unlocked it, then ran through.

Eirika shook her head at Seth. "Nice job. You extract the valuables BEFORE releasing the prisoner from his torture!"

Seth grumbled, trotting off to a corner. Neimi started sobbing again, then ran to follow her friend, ignoring Moulder's attempt to stop her. "This is just going from bad to worse. I hope the others are having a better time."

* * *

"This is just going from bad to worse!" Garcia cried, blocking another axe swipe from a bandit.

Ross was ignoring his father's plight, mindlessly hacking at another weak wall. Gilliam was stumping toward a chest, taking a ridiculous amount of time to do it, as usual.

Garcia finally managed to defeat the enemy grabbing the chest key he dropped. He tossed it to Gilliam with a shout. The knight tried to catch it, fumbled the key, and dropped it. Grumbling, Gilliam tried to reach down and pick it back up, but his thick armor prevented him from leaning over all the way. Thus ensued a comical struggle to grab the tiny object.

With a cheer of triumph, Ross managed to smash through the wall, only to shout in terror when a bandit charged through. Garcia's handaxe slew the bandit in one shot. Then a thief with blue hair and a blue cloak (and if you don't know who this is you clearly haven't been paying attention) leapt through, dodging the three men. He scooped up the chest key as he ran by, opened the chest, grabbed the goods, and ran back the way he had come, cackling.

Gilliam glanced in the chest. "Wow, good thin he didn't actually manage to get anything."

From the new doorway came a howl of "Darnit!"

* * *

Vanessa edged through the door, which was rather difficult when riding on a pegasus. _Good thing that Colm twerp left this door unlocked for us, or we might have needed to go a different way._

Vanessa yelped as an arrow narrowly missed her, causing her pegasus to frighten and fly upwards, with her still on it. Seth and Franz charged through. Unfortunately, the door wasn't big enough for two horses to charge through, and the two riders became stuck. "Franz you dolt!"

"I'm sorry sir! I thought I was supposed to go first!"

"Well you weren't!"

Moulder put a hand on his face and shook his head. Eirika rolled her eyes. Mathwin chewed on a candy bar, standing very far behind the rest of the group. Neimi was, predictably, crying again.

"This is going nowhere fast…" Eirika drew her rapier and approached Seth's horse. With a whinny of surprise, Seth's horse bolted forward, knocking Franz and his steed to the ground. Seth tried to gain control as his horse stampeded forward, trampling three bandits and one blue-haired thief that you really should be able to identify by now.

Garcia, Ross, and Gilliam (belatedly) made it through the small opening in the wall. "Man!" Ross said, disappointed, "You steal all my fun!"

Seth rode over to where Colm was lying, jumped down, and grabbed him by the ear again. "Now hand over the bracelet!"

Colm struggled on the floor. "Tough cookies, knight boy! I'm not- OW! Not the ear again! Just take the stupid thing!" He reached into his pocket, grabbed the bracelet, and threw it away from himself.

Eirika stooped down to pick it up, then slipped it on her wrist. "Now that we have it, can we leave?"

Moulder shook his head. "From a moral standpoint, we should clear out the bandits here. That way the people of Renais will be that much safer."

Colm chuckled from the floor, no longer in agony from Seth's ear-twisting. "You already killed most of them. Bazba will probably be in his office."

Franz glanced over to the other side of the large chamber they were in. "You mean that throne room?" He pointed to a grand set of double doors.

"No no, in that room over there."

"But… isn't that a bathroom?" Franz's mouth curled in disgust, "Why would he make that his office?"

Colm grinned. "Apparently to save himself periodic trips."

Eirika turned to Mathwin, who rolled his eyes as he finished the bite of candy bar in his mouth. "Well, there's just one room, probably small. I'll bet the bandit leader will be pretty good at fighting. Probably has a nifty handaxe like Garcia's. So we'll need to be careful. Send in swords, I guess."

Ross blinked at Mathwin. "Why swords?"

Franz sighed, patting his 'pupil' on the head. "According to the divine rules of combat, swords have a natural advantage over axes. Swords beat Axes beat Lances beat Swords."

"But… why?"

"You do not question the Weapon Triangle, apprentice! You merely obey!"

* * *

Bazba had gone back to reading his newspaper when Terel cleared his throat. The bandit looked up, then grinned. "Hey boss! I got the thing you wanted!"

"Perfect! Hand it over!"

Bazba threw the brownie to his leader, who examined it with a scowl. "Bazba… does this look like a bracelet to you?"

Bazba blinked, studying it. "Oooooooh. You wanted a BRACELET. I knew it started with a B!"

"You idiot!" Terel threw the brownie on the ground and stomped on it.

"Now that's just a waste of food…"

Terel grabbed Bazba by the shirt collar, shaking him roughly. "I need that bracelet, you idiot! Now find it or I'll tear you apart!"

"Okay, okay! Geez, overreact much? Let me just deal with these int-in- these interlopers who have entered our secret fortress without my verified permission!"

"You mean the intruders?"

"That's it! Let me just deal with them, and then I'll find the bracelet!"

Terel shook his head irritably, then turned to leave. As he reached the door, it slammed open, smashing him against the wall. In came Eirika and her entourage, this time one by one so as to avoid anyone getting stuck.

Bazba sighed, folding up his newspaper again. "So you are the in-int- The whatever-you-call-them that have invaded my hideout! Well, I won't stand for it!"

Eirika looked around curiously while everyone else was busy preparing for battle. "My my, who picked this wallpaper? It's hideous!"

Bazba roared with fury, then charged, swinging his axe furiously. Seth glanced at the Princess, who was oblivious to the mad bandit rushing at her. With a sigh, he nudged Eirika aside with his foot, causing Bazba to rush by without hitting her. Instead, he plowed into a wall.

Bazba, dazed from braining himself on a wall, stumbled around to try another charge. Seth backed up so Bazba passed him again, this time stumbling and falling into his throne, which he had left open.

Vanessa rolled her eyes. _Left the seat up. Typical man._

Seth walked over and stabbed Bazba with his sword. Ross crossed his arms and sulked. "What a disappointing boss battle! I didn't get to do anything!"

The door suddenly closed, with a very crushed Terel glowering behind it. "That was annoying. Now then, where was- hey, you're Eirika."

Eirika huffed. "That's PRINCESS Eirika!"

Terel sneered. "Doesn't matter. I see you also have your bracelet. I'll be taking that, if you don't mind."

"I DO mind, and I'd like to know why everyone wants this stupid bracelet so much! Seth, kill this ruffian, please!"

The paladin sighed riding over and attempting to kill Terel with his lance. The lithe man easily dodged. "Pah, like some sub-par paladin could actually hit me!"

Mathwin squinted at Terel, then shouted in shock. "This isn't some generic bandit! He's a high-level assassin with TWO killing edges! Apparently, he also has a one hundred percent critical hit chance, which means a fifty percent chance for his instant-kill Silencer ability to activate!"

Eirika scowled. "In English, please?"

"We're screwed!"

Garcia howled, jumping at the assassin, and missing (badly). Gilliam stumped forward, but Terel merely sidestepped him. Franz and Vanessa jumped in between Terel and Eirika, but he slid between them. Ross screeched and charged, but Terel held out a fist that the young warrior ran into, knocking himself out. Moulder stepped aside.

"Well, Eirika, looks like your party of incompetent idiots can't stop me!" He leapt forward, grabbing her wrist roughly.

"Hey! Unhand me you uncouth, unwashed, uncivilized ruffian! Didn't anyone teach you any manners?!" She slapped Terel, but he had already pulled the bracelet off. With a cackle, he threw down a smoke bomb and disappeared.

"You know," Mathwin commented to Moulder, "I've always wondered why they don't just disappear, and instead waste money on those smoke bombs."

Seth cried out in despair. "All is lost!"

Colm was grinning and giggling as he said "Heh, yep, all's lost. Okay see ya- oof!" He ran straight into Gilliam, "MAN I have to get better at this subtlety stuff!"

Seth approached and grabbed Colm's ear. "Easy way or hard way, runt?"

Colm sighed, holding out the REAL bracelet. "Sorry. But hey, at least now I know that you're stupid enough to be fooled by a charm bracelet!"

Seth snorted, grabbing the bracelet and handing it to Eirika. "There, safe and sound," he turned back to Colm, "And if you care about this Neimi girl, you'll turn from this dark path, son!"

Colm frowned. "Geez, now you're my mother?"

Neimi was tearing up again, which caused everyone to cover their ears except for Colm who ran over, jumping up and down. "Don't cry! Stop crying! Honestly, do you have to bawl every time someone BREATHES in your general direction?"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"I was kidding! Kidding!"

Eirika shook her head, turning to the others. "I think it's time we go."

Moulder turned to Colm and Neimi, one crying, the other comforting. "We can't just leave them here…"

Gilliam gaped. "We can't bring them! The girl will wail the whole trip, and the boy will rob us blind!"

Moulder frowned at the knight. "Have a heart, Gilliam! They are orphans!"

Ross blinked. "When did they say that?"

"Neimi did, when she first joined us? You know, she mentioned how her village of Lark had been destroyed?" Garcia shook his head at his son.

Eirika shrugged. "As long as they don't expect to be paid… Hey, you two! You're coming with us!"

Neimi cut off crying to squeal in delight again. "Really?!"

Colm glared at the Princess. "No way! I don't wanna-"

Neimi was tearing up again. Colm sighed. "Fine, fine. But where are you going?"

"The heart of the Grado empire!" Ross cheered.

"WHAT?!" Colm shouted, "You gotta be kidding me! I'm not- Alright, Neimi, stop with the lip! Honestly, you know I can't resist the lip!"

Ross stifled a chuckle, then whispered "Colm and Neimi, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

Colm glanced over at Ross. "One more word, and I slit your throat and then loot your corpse!"

Franz sighed. "Obviously I'm going to have to teach that thief etiquette as well."

* * *

Outside the fort, Eirika approached Seth. "It seems we have much farther to go than I'd earlier imagined, especially considering how long it's taken to get just this far."

Seth nodded. "I only hope I don't lose my mind from being with you."

"Excuse me?"

"Oh did I- did I say that out loud? Oops…"

* * *

In the capital of the Grado empire, two of the Imperial generals sat astride their mounts, an armored warhorse and a wyvern. They were joined by Selena on her smaller mare.

"General Selena!" The knight on the horse smiled through his gray and black beard, "How are things in Renais?"

Selena frowned. "Anarchy continues to spread. The emperor's puppet government is proving ineffective. The country is run by the thieves and bandits that ride through the lands."

The older general frowned himself. "Viggy doesn't seem too interested in keep order in Renais. But we can't just ignore this…"

Selena shook her head. "We must General Duessel. We cannot go against his Grace's orders."

The youngest of the generals, a blonde, tan man on a wyvern, sighed. "The emperor has been acting oddly…"

Selena blinked. "How so, Glen?"

"Well uh… I dunno. Just kind of a hunch."

"Oh for the love of- you people are so dense!" The three generals were surprised to see a man in a black cloak approach from the shadows of a doorway. His cowl was up, so only his blue bangs were visible of his hair.

"Master Knoll! What are you doing here?" Duessel asked, going a bit closer, mostly to show how much taller he was then the mage on his horse.

"Last I checked, I live here," Knoll answered nastily, "As I was saying, how can you not notice the strange things that are happening with the emperor?!"

Glen narrowed his eyes at Knoll. "Such as…?"

Knoll sighed, "Well, how about the clicking noise every time he talks?"

Duessel harrumphed. "Laryngitis!"

"And the way he narrates all his actions in the third person?"

"No he-"

Suddenly, a shout came from inside the throne room. "He puts the lotion in the basket!"

"Fine, so maybe he does."

"And how he actually wants to take over Renais, rather than simply raid them? And how he completely lacks emotion? And the recent promotions to certain shady characters?"

Duessel scowled. "Alright, alright, I get it. So what's the cause?"

"That… is still under investigation."

Duessel rolled his eyes, then turned away. "Come, it is time for our audience with Viggy."

* * *

The three generals, with Knoll standing behind them, assembled in the audience chamber before Vigarde. He gazed over them. With a sudden barrage of clicking noises, he spoke "Thank you for coming. Your efforts in conquering Renais have been a great success. However, we are far from done. You will continue to follow orders without hesitation."

The three generals nodded. Knoll frowned.

"That being said, I have determined that you three are not enough. It will take the strength of three more generals to conquer the remaining nations of Magvel. Enter."

Into the hall came three other soldiers. One was a red haired man with large, bulky muscles and sunken eyes. He carried a large shield and axe easily. Another was an old man bent so his torso was parallel with the floor, leaning on a thick wooden cane. He had limp red hair and hideously wrinkled features, with large bags under his eyes. Third was a man in black armor on a serpentine wyvern, his long green hair framing a sickly smiling face.

"These three showed special skill and prowess on the battlefield, far outdoing you three. I name these three my new generals, giving Grado six generals to lead it to a new era."

The old man chuckled in a dry voice. "Greetings! I am Riev, named Blood Beryl by his Grace, Emperor Vincent-"

"Vigarde," Duessel pointed out.

"Right, him. I know I am new, but I dearly wish to be friends.

Duessel did not answer.

The muscular man grinned, flexing his arms. "Name's Caellach. Apparently my new name is Tiger Eye. Do you guys have some kind of mineral theme going on? Because it's kind of lame," he glanced over at Selena and grinned. "Hey there, sweetie. Hoo hoo, lucky me, huh?"

Selena did not answer.

The wyvern knight chuckled. "Hello, my former peers. You will remember me as General Valter, but today I take the name of Moonstone. I'm here to make up for how pathetic you lot are. Hello Glen. Miss me?"

Glen snarled. "Valter! You scum! I'll-"

Duessel placed a hand on the blonde wyvern rider's arm. "Peace. We will not strike out at our allies."

Glen muttered, but relented.

Vigarde turned to Selena and Caellach, and the clicking resumed. "You two will invade Frelia. Remember our primary target is that which rests at the top of the Tower of Valni."

Selena paled, but nodded. Caellach simply grinned.

"He turns to Duessel and Riev," Vigarde narrated, "You two are charged with the defense of the empire."

Duessel saluted. Riev chuckled.

"Last, he looks to Glen and Valter," he narrated again, "I have a special mission for you, my Sun and Moonstones. While Renais has fallen, its children eludes my grasp. I still require their bracelets. Glen, hunt down Eirika, who foolishly rushes into our grasp. Valter, capture Ephraim, who foolishly tries to battle us in our own borders."

Valter cackled. "Not a problem, Viggy."

Duessel harrumphed again. "Only I get to call him that!"

Glen frowned, but did not answer.

"Vigarde dismisses his generals and begins to sit."

"Geez," Glen muttered to Duessel, "That gets annoying fast."

As the generals filed out, Knoll approached. "Your Grace, I wished to speak to-"

"He interrupts the infidel and says 'I am not interested in anything you have to say Knoll.'"

Knoll blinked, caught off guard. "Then… may I speak with Prince Lyon?"

"My son has no interest in speaking with you. Now leave me be."

Knoll frowned, then turned to leave. _I'll learn what is behind this. I'll find out who is responsible for this… besides myself, of course._


	7. Chapter Three X: Predator and Prey

-1**Chapter Three X: Predator and Prey**

_As Eirika continues on her way to the Grado border, her brother continues his one-sided struggle inside it. Now Valter, the deadly Wyvern Knight general of Grado, hunts him down. With enemies hot on his trail, Ephraim finds himself running low on supplies, and at Karson the tactician's suggestion he stops in a small village to obtain more._

* * *

A small farming community in central Grado, the village of Silva did not often receive word from the rest of the Empire. Thus, when Ephraim and his companions waltzed into town, the people did not realize that public enemy number one was standing in their midst.

Karson frowned at the people in their rural setting, then scowled as her black robes were muddied by the dirt road. Brushing her red hair from her face, she turned to scowl instead at Ephraim. "I blame you for this."

The Prince sighed, glancing at the strategist. "We need food and weapons, so we have to come here."

"Can't we forage?"

"You'd rather eat bugs and possibly poisonous berries than store bought food?"

"Fine, fine. But weapons?"

"Well I COULD sharpen a stick into a lance, and maybe Kyle and Forde could find rocks to throw."

Karson grumbled, but fell silent. Myrrh was looking around curiously. Orson, riding beside her, smiled down at her. As the days went by, he only appeared to become sicker, his face become more and more skull-like, but his smile wasn't particularly ghastly. "Never seen a village before?"

Myrrh glared up at him. "Of course I have! But I've just never seen THIS village before! It's not like you've been to Silva countless times in the past!"

Orson blinked, taken aback. "I didn't mean to be rude…"

Ephraim clapped his hands, turning to Forde and Kyle. "You two start looking for supplies."

Kyle raised his hand. Ephraim scowled, but pointed to him. Kyle then pointed at a passerby. "May we slaughter the denizens of this village and loot their corpses and homes for goods?"

"What?!" Ephraim shouted, aghast, "No! We're going to buy the supplies! Dear heavens, Kyle, what the hell is wrong with you?!"

Kyle shrugged. "Just a suggestion, my prince." Forde sidled away from him.

Ephraim shook his head. "Anyway, split up, people! And no killing whatsoever!" Kyle and Forde saluted, though Forde did a sloppy one on purpose before slumping over and steering his horse away.

Ephraim then turned to Orson. "You scout around, tell me if you see any Grado troops approaching. The moment you do, find me. Got it?"

Orson nodded. "Understood, my prince." He rode off.

Ephraim turned, and realized his mistake. He was now stuck with Karson and Myrrh, who were already glaring at each other. Ephraim swallowed nervously. "I guess we-"

Karson cleared her throat. "As tactician, I will make the decisions."

Myrrh scoffed. "As your savior, I will make the decisions!"

"Our savior? We saved you, shorty!"

"Well I'm GOING to save you people from the spreading darkness, lady!"

Ephraim sighed and walked away, muttering something about finding a place for them to sleep in the local inn.

* * *

Into Silva rode a small contingent of Grado soldiers, led by a man with styled brown hair on a large horse. At his side was a man with a large spear, but armor too light to be that of a knight's, running to keep up with the horsemen.

The leader stopped in front of the small city hall of the village, turning his horse to face the people that were quickly congregating. "Citizens of Grado! I, Lord Tirado, have come to make this announcement: The Grado Empire has offered a large reward to anyone who catches the rogue Prince of Renais, Ephraim, who is currently terrorizing the people of our fair country! Should you have any information, bring it to me immediately!"

The lord, then dismounted to enter the hall and speak to the town magistrate. Meanwhile, the spearman nailed a Wanted poser to a tree. The poster had drawn images of Ephraim, Forde, Kyle, and Karson on it.

Karson herself, hiding near the back of the crowd, had pulled up her hood as soon as she saw the platoon enter the village. She pushed through the crowd, careful to keep her face hidden, to examine the poster. With a curse, she then shoved her way back out, but not before gaining the attention of Tirado's companion.

She found Ephraim at the inn. The prince groaned at the sight of her, but she grabbed him by the collar and moved him into the corner fast enough that he couldn't protest. "We have a problem. There are soldiers here, and pretty soon this entire village is going to be looking for you."

Ephraim swallowed nervously. "What do we do?"

"There's a wanted poster with our faces on it, but for some reason Orson's not pictured. We'll have to get him and Myrrh to find Forde and Kyle. You and I need to get out of here."

Ephraim scowled stubbornly. "No. I'm not leaving without my knights. They would never abandon me."

"You sure about that?" Karson scowled at him, shaking her head, "You could do with being a bit more ruthless, Prince. But since your father would fire me if I let you get killed, I guess I'm stuck with you for now. Come on, we need a disguise for you…"

* * *

Inside city hall, Tirado had sat down at a table with the magistrate when his spearman burst into the room. "My lord! Prince Ephraim is here!"

Tirado turned, then smiled calmly, everything about his face perfectly controlled, "What good fortune. I knew it was wise not to ignore this village, no matter how small and insignificant it is. Where did you see him, Elroy?"

"The inn, my lord. With that red-haired woman, the tactician. I didn't see his knights, though."

"Very good. Have our men surround the building posthaste. Make sure to check everyone you find in the area. The Prince is said to be a clever one, and even if that is untrue I've heard that the tactician is the best in Renais. They'll undoubtedly try to disguise themselves and sneak out."

The magistrate piped up in a frightened, squeaky voice. "My lord! You can't do that to my people! They have rights as Grado citizens!"

Tirado turned his false smile on the man. "As their liege, I have the right to do whatever it takes to hunt down criminals. That being said, I will not allow this criminal to slip from my grasp. The sooner I find him, the sooner I can teach that arrogant Valter who is the real brains behind the Empire." Tirado stood, motioned for Elroy to follow.

"Elroy, I want you to make it your personal mission to bring me Ephraim. Alive, if it is possible. The tactician is more useful alive as well. But of course, if you cannot retrieve them alive, then they are still useful bargaining tools when dead."

Elroy saluted. "Understood! I'm glad you are entrusting me with such a duty at last, my lord!"

"Well, you have proven yourself useful in the past. And you ARE one of a kind, in a sense. Now go, and do not fail me. The royal brat of Renais must fall here."

* * *

"I look stupid."

"You always look stupid. If anything, this is an improvement."

"Oh hah hah, that's REALY funny. I just hope no one recognizes me in this…"

"They won't." Karson led the disguised Ephraim out of their room in the inn and then out of the building. Once outside, she cursed again. "We're surrounded."

Grado troops blocked both ends of the street, and the side alleys as well, checking every person that wanted to pass. Karson looked both ways for an escape route, but found nothing. "We aren't getting out of this. Come on, back to the inn."

She dragged the Prince back inside, looking around. "There has to be a back way…"

* * *

Beyond the line of Grado soldiers, Forde was busy snoring. Kyle came upon him, grimaced at the sight of his companion, and proceeded to kick the sleeping knight off his horse. Forde hit the ground with an "Ouch!"

"Quit sleeping on the job, Kyle! You're an embarrassment to the knights of Renais!"

Forde made a shushing gesture. "No need to shout what we are to everyone, nitwit! I hear they're looking for the Prince."

Kyle turned to see the line of Grado soldiers blocking the way to the inn. "You don't say…"

Forde remounted, then saw someone leave the inn and quickly run back inside. "That looked like Karson and… could that have been Prince Ephraim?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Forde! Ephraim is a MAN."

Forde shrugged, then rode around to the alley of a nearby building. Once through, he found himself on the next street. He then rode to the building just behind the inn. Kyle was right behind him. "Forde! We can't abandon our liege!"

"I'm not. I'm looking for another exit to get the Prince out."

* * *

Myrrh stood, surrounded by people, behind another blockade of soldiers, though on the other side of the inn from where Forde had been napping. She tried to shove past the armored men, but they knocked her back. "No one is allowed through!"

Myrrh snarled at him. "I need to! My, um, house is over there!"

The soldier sighed, then indicated an alleyway. "That'll take you to the next street over. Just go that way."

Myrrh glanced over, sighed, then started in that direction. The soldier shook his head, wondering why a child that apparently lived in Silva wouldn't know another way to her own house.

Meanwhile, a few feet away, Elroy shook his head in frustration. "Where is he? He must not have come out… Alright men! Move to the inn! We check every nook and cranny!" The soldiers converged on the inn, pushing past people.

* * *

"What to do, what to do, what to do…"

"Karson, can I take off this stupid disguise now?"

"No! If nothing else, at least you'll be able to escape. Though I'd prefer if I were the one to get out of this unscathed myself… There has to be a backdoor somewhere!"

Karson stopped when she noticed a door labeled 'Cellar'. She glanced around for anyone watching, then dragged Ephraim though, just in time. As soon as she shut the door and locked it, she heard the sound of marching footsteps on the other side.

The Prince and the tactician made their way into the cellar, and found themselves at another dead end. Karson stamped her foot. "Damn these Silva people and their lack of back doors! There's no way out of this place!"

Someone tried to open the cellar door. When they couldn't, they started banging on it, demanding that whoever was inside open up. Karson and Ephraim looked up in fear, then started running deeper into the small cellar.

* * *

Forde and Kyle explored around the building and found the space between its back and the back of the inn. There was no back door to either. "I guess these people aren't much for backyards…"

Myrrh sudden ran at them. Forde glanced over and noticed that she seemed to be digging. "What the heck are you doing?"

"I sense Ephraim beneath me… He's underground, somewhere…"

Kyle and Forde exchanged a glance, then rode to the front of the house. Without even considering knocking, Kyle had his horse knock the door in and he rode inside. The woman within shrieked in terror, throwing rolling pins and frying pans at the two knights as they stampeded through her kitchen to what appeared to be her cellar door. Kyle kicked it in, then tried to ride through. Forde rolled his eyes at his companions' attempts, then dismounted to walk in with his sword.

At the bottom, he found Ephraim and Karson, wandering around in the dark. "Looks like there's a backdoor after all."

"Prince Ephraim!" Kyle shouted from the house above, "Could you please hurry? This crazy woman is trying to kill me!"

* * *

The two knights, with Kyle significantly bruised, Ephraim, and Karson left the house in good spirits. Said spirits evaporated when they ran right into a knot of soldiers. Their leader was a soldier in odd armor with an inordinately big lance.

The leader grinned. "Hah! I, Elroy, have captured Prince Ephraim and his posse!"

"Posse?"

Kyle raised his hand. Elroy blinked, then pointed at him. "Are you a Halberdier?"

"Why yes, I am."

Kyle raised his hand again, and Elroy again indicated him. "Aren't Halberdiers only in Tellius?"

"Uh, well…"

"So really, since this isn't FE9, you shouldn't exist."

Karson waved her hands frantically. "Stop! Stop breaking the fourth wall!"

Elroy blinked, then looked downcast. "Crap, you're right." His cool armor and lance quickly melted away into the generic equipment of an average soldier.

Ephraim smiled at Kyle. "Your logic and meta-reference have made this MUCH easier!"

"Your welcome, my Prince."

"Unfortunately," Karson pointed out, "He's still a level twenty. And dammit, there I go breaking the fourth wall."

Ephraim drew his lance and attacked Elroy, who easily parried and stabbed right back. The two cavaliers charged at the other soldiers, running over most of them, but forced to trade lance blows with the rest. Myrrh and Karson backed away from the conflict.

Ephraim ducked a jab from Elroy, and had his own jab ducked by his opponent. The Prince jumped forward to surprise the has-been Halberdier, but ended up running into his lance. Ephraim choked, pulling away before it stabbed too deeply, and fell to his backside.

Elroy crowed in triumph. "No one can defeat me! Now, prepare to die, Prince Ninny!"

"That's Prince SISSY!" Orson shouted, and rode right over Elroy. The soldier let out an "Oomph" as he was flattened. The other soldiers ran away as Kyle and Forde managed to defeat them.

Orson helped Ephraim up. "Sorry, my prince. I killed somebody who was worth quite a bit of experience."

"Dear heavens," Karson said, shaking her head, "We've been making meta-reference this whole time, haven't we?"

Ephraim smiled at Orson. "That's alright. You saved my life. And look at that, the blighter has a nice spear." The prince approached and picked up Elroy's weapon, a lance with a scarf of some kind wrapped around the head, which was made of thicker steel than the usual lance. The word 'Reginleif' was inscribed on the haft.

"An impressive weapon, my prince," Orson commended.

Karson sighed, "Yeah, great, now let's go, before the Grado find us!"

Forde nodded, then turned to Ephraim in a double take. "Um, Prince? Why are you wearing high heels, makeup, and a dress?"

Ephraim flushed. "...Karson made me do it!"

The tactician smirked, and Myrrh giggled.

* * *

"Lord Tirado, our scouts encountered Ephraim's party leaving Silva. They were unable to detain him."

Tirado sighed, rubbing his chin thoughtfully, sitting in his throne in the fortress of Renvall. "As I feared, he slipped between my fingers. It seems I will have to be more diligent. Now that that scum Valter is searching for him, the hunt has become a race to the finish."

"Perhaps you can double your glory and capture two prizes."

Tirado turned to the speaker. "Oh really?"

"Princess Eirika is on her way into Grado as we speak, undoubtedly searching for Prince Ephraim. With one as the bait, it would be child's play to net the other."

Tirado pursed his lips thoughtfully. "True… all that remains, then is to capture one. I will contact you when my plan is formulated. Already, ideas float through my mind. Stay in touch."

The other nodded, before leaving the room.

Tirado turned to the window, smiling. "That fool Valter… above me only due to his military ranking. Once I capture the twins and hand them over to the Emperor, I shall be viewed as the greatest military commander in Grado."


	8. Chapter Four: Ancient Horrors

-1**Chapter Four: Ancient Horrors**

_Finally on the right path again, Princess Eirika and her companions continue to head southeast, toward the town of Serafew on the border between Renais and Grado. On their way, they must pass through the Za'ha forest, a gloomy wood filled with gloomy trees and some gloomy villagers. The forest becomes even gloomier when never-before-seen horrors (which is a misnomer considering they HAVE been seen before) appear out of the gloom._

_I'll stop saying gloom now._

_Gloom. There, I'm done._

* * *

"Well, I'd say we got lucky."

Colm looked incredulously at the tactician. "Lucky? We're passing through a gloomy forest that seems to go on forever on the way to infiltrate a country that's hunting for our rather rude leader. What's lucky about any of this?"

Mathwin indicated the surrounding area. "This looks like the sort of place where there should be a lot of mist. See any mist? I don't. Therefore, we are LUCKY. No mist!"

Colm blinked, then shrugged. Neimi started to blubber behind him, causing the thief to turn around. "What NOW?!"

Neimi burst into tears. "I knew you were going to say that at some point so I started to get upset and then you di-hi-hid say it!"

Colm scratched the back of his head. "What? You were upset because you were worried that you would get upset and I would ask what was wrong now? Neimi, that doesn't even make SENSE."

Neimi started to sob. "And now you're saying I'm stupid! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Gilliam covered his ears. "Why oh why did it have to be me?!"

Seth sighed, shaking his head, thinking much the same as Gilliam. He noticed Eirika had suddenly stopped and moved over to her. "Something wrong Princess?"

"Yes, actually…"

"I see, you've noticed the inhuman shapes that have been following us?"

"What? No, of course not. I broke a nail during that last battle and no one has noticed, even though I periodically mutter it to myself. I was just getting tired of being ignored so."

Seth blinked, then turned away. "This is NOT worth my Paladin promotion. Hell, this isn't worth surviving the Fall of Renais!"

Meanwhile, the shapes solidified into misshapen things that approached the party from all directions. Corpses, some with decaying flesh and jagged, bony claws, that dragged their arms and feet through the forest's muddy ground. Others with no skin left, walking skeletons armed with weaponry. Strangest of all were large, floating eyeballs with tentacles hanging from their backs and, oddly enough, eyelids. The things floated/crawled/walked toward them slowly, but the group had nowhere to run.

Moulder tugged at his moustache. "This seems to be quite the predicament."

Neimi was sobbing again, while Colm was desperately looking for a way to escape without the rest of the group. Vanessa was grumbling about Hayden sending her on a suicide mission. Eirika was still fiddling with her fingernail.

* * *

Just to the south of the group, across a small river, a gloomy village of gloomy people watched the gloomy spectacle of a small army about to be torn to pieces by Undead and Floating Eyeballs. A certain young man with curly reddish hair and white acolyte's robes was watching as well, ringing his hands.

Artur (who in case you forgot is that monk that Pope Mansel sent to spy on Renais) finally set his mouth into a determined grimace. "I must help those people! Everyone, do not try to follow me! I shall perish by myself in the service of goodness!"

No one in the village moved to go with him. Artur swallowed. "All- all by myself… to certain doom… fighting for justice… and… light… Oh come on, what is it with you selfish people?!"

"Clearly they have realized that as weak civilians they are completely helpless in a combat situation, except perhaps as live bait."

Artur turned to see a young woman with short, purple hair, hung into two braids that rested on her shoulders. "Lute! You're going to help me?"

The mage shook her head. "While I am indeed a powerful user of arcane magic, I have to admit that those Undead may be a bit much for me. However, I am still unable to ascertain their class. Judging by the lack of magic attacks so far, I would guess that they are either Warriors or Rogues. Perhaps the more skeletal figures, who possess weapons and shields, are the Warriors. Then again, the Zombies seem to have more health."

"L-Lute? What are you talking about?"

"Oh, right. You aren't a class yourself. If you were a priest, then you might understand. But you're just a monk, which isn't a class at all."

"Well that's not true. I use light magic."

"Light magic is overrated. Shadow Priests have all the real power. Well, except when compared to we Mages, with our incredible Fire and Ice abilities."

"Lute, you read too much. Or something. Anyway, since you're not helping me, I guess I'll… go alone…" Artur swallowed nervously and headed out.

Lute, meanwhile was watching the Undead. "Revenants, the vanguard of the Demon King's army. Thought to have all vanished due to the lack of Necromantic powers in the world. The only way they could have risen again is if a Necromancer was raising them, which of course raises new suspicions. My incredible magic, while not quite the level of Artur's, could still easily defeat these simpletons…"

* * *

The group had drawn their weapons to fight, except for Moulder and Mathwin, the former of which drew his healing staff, the latter hiding in a bush.

Eirika glanced around at the monsters. "I don't see what the big deal is. Most of them look like they'd fall over at the drop of a hat."

Seth grimaced. "Well, there ARE a lot of them, Princess."

One of the giant eyeballs squinted at Eirika, and suddenly glowed with dark energy. It widened it's eye and blasted an attack at her. Seth moved to block, but both were protected by a sudden shield of light.

"You will harm no one, demon!" Artur then proceeded to blast the eyeball with light magi. The blinding light made the eyeball tear up and roll around helplessly until Gilliam was able to kill it with his lance.

Seth turned to the monk. "Thank you, sir…"

"Artur. And no thanks are necessary. These creatures are the sworn enemy of all who wield the holy Light! I shall deal with them (even though I'll probably die a horrible death being eaten alive by the horrible zombie things). No need to trouble yourselves with helping me (but I'll probably die if you don't save me so please help anyway)!"

Eirika shrugged. "You heard the man. Let's go."

Mathwin jumped out of the bush. "I agree!"

Moulder shook his head. "That's not very nice, Princess. He did save your life."

Seth nodded. "I say we help him. I doubt we can get through his forest without fighting a few more of these. Might as well clear them all out."

Eirika frowned at the Paladin, then turned to the rest of the group. "Who votes we leave the monsters to be dealt with by Arthur?"

"That's Artur. No H."

Everyone in the group other than Moulder raised their hand. The priest scowled at Seth. "I thought you said we should stay?"

"Do as I say, not as I do." When he said that, Franz slapped his hand back down, then scowled at Ross and Colm until they did the same. Following their examples, Neimi and Garcia lowered their hands.

Mathwin counted, then sighed. "Great, six to five. Any chance we can solve this with a little rock-paper-scissors?"

Moulder scowled at the tactician. "Not a chance. We won fair and square!"

Eirika shook her head, then turned to Artur. "Fine, we'll help you. But we won't enjoy it."

The monk sighed with relief. "Thank you! By the way, if any of you happen to go to that village over there, please protect my friend Lute. She's a bit of a… well… let's not get into details."

Vanessa looked around. _As long as this is taking, I wonder why the monsters haven't attacked._

Meanwhile…

"So the wife left you for a plumber? That sucks, Roy."

"Tell me about it. Apparently, he has , quote: 'Big Plans'."

"Geez, like we haven't heard THAT one before."

"HELLO! MONSTERS?"

The two zombies looked up from their mugs of coffee to see Artur waving at them. "Looks like break's finally over."

"Yeah. Anyway, Roy, don't let it get you down. Plenty of corpses in the bone yard, if you know what I mean."

"Yeah, thanks Mitch. Anyway, let's go eat their brains or whatever it is we do."

The monsters started to advance again. Artur waited for a skeleton to approach, then cast his Lightning spell again, reducing it to a charred pile of bones.

Colm and Neimi (who was crying again about how she hadn't gotten any lines between now and when she started crying earlier) made their way toward the southern village. "Why are we going to the village?"

Colm stared at her. "Duh! So we can hide out there and let all the other people get eaten!"

"But how do we cross?"

Colm looked around, then grinned. "See that tree over there? The old one? Well, I bet we if we chop it down, we can use it as a bridge to the other side!"

The thief and the archer ran to the snag. Colm started chopping at it when another eyeball started to approach, followed by several zombies. Neimi squealed in terror, releasing arrow after arrow. All the creatures were dead by the time Colm managed to knock over the tree. He grinned at Neimi. "Geez, you'd be helpless without me, wouldn't you?"

"Um, yeah, okay Colm. Let's just go."

Franz charged toward several advancing cadavers, his horse easily stomping through their decayed forms, crushing them. He laughed triumphantly, until all the zombie parts started moving and climbing up his horse.

Luckily for him, Garcia and Ross ran by and chopped at them. Not so luckily, the now smaller zombie parts started jumping at all of them, causing them to run away.

Seth shook his head, staying near Eirika who, fortunately for Seth, wasn't actually going forward to help. "This isn't working," The paladin turned to Mathwin, who was hiding in a bush again, "Can't you come up with some sort of strategy to help us out here?"

Mathwin poked his head out of the top of the bush. "Well… we have to completely destroy the body to get rid of the monster. Fire would do it, or maybe just washing them all down the river…"

Seth glanced at the slow moving river, shaking his head. "Not going to work. Unless there's a dam somewhere…"

* * *

At the village, Colm and Neimi literally ran into the mage Lute. "Watch it, lady!"

"Oh my!"

Colm blinked at Lute. "What?"

"A Hunter and a Rogue! What luck! Two overpowered classes here to keep the village safe while I go destroy these measly monsters."

Neimi blinked. "Hunter?"

Colm grinned. "Rogue? I wish, lady."

Lute frowned at them. "You must be! You have a bow, a staple weapon for any hunter. The only odd thing is that you have no pet in sight. And you have a dagger and seem quite stealthy, meaning you must be a rogue. I am a genius. I'm never wrong about these things."

Colm rolled his eyes. "Whatever, lady. We just came here to hide from the zombies."

Lute shrugged. "Typical. Not only are Hunters and Rogues overpowered, but they are often chosen by unintelligent people. And unintelligent people tend to run away and hide when faced with a foe they cannot conquer, forgetting that death is only a temporary issue. As a mage, and a being of superior intellect, I will take your places in the party, seeing as a Mage is far superior in doing damage. I can easily defeat enemies that you weaklings never could. Ta ta." With that, Lute strolled away.

Colm and Neimi watched her go, then looked at one another. "That was odd," Colm said, "I'd feel insulted if I didn't know I was now completely safe from marauding monsters."

Just then, five zombies attacked the gloomy village, causing the gloomy villagers to run into the gloom for the sake of their gloomy lives. Colm sighed, then started running after them, only to trip. "I suck at being sneaky!"

* * *

Artur blasted another floating eyeball to bits with his light magic when he realized his was surrounded by skeletons, all of whom were advancing on him. He managed to blast two, but another one stabbed him with a lance, and another started to cut his head off. It was stopped by a sudden fireball that reduced it to ashes. The other turned just in time to be hit with a blast of fire. Standing over the now thoroughly charred remains was Lute.

"Lute!" Artur yelled, "You're alive!"

"Of course. And as I thought, you as a monk are not actually a misnamed Priest class, considering you don't have the ability to both deal damage and heal yourself. What a shame."

"Erm, regardless, thanks for saving me! But how did you beat both of those so easily?"

"I was correct in my suspicions. They were indeed Warrior class Undead. As a mage, I have a natural advantage over Warriors. It's just a fact of life."

Artur blinked, then shrugged, deciding he didn't want to get into that discussion again. "Let's go. That group is going to help us clear the forest of evil. Forward, for the light!"

"You don't need to pretend to be brave for my sake, Artur. As a wannabe priest, you undoubtedly would rather be in the back, healing, then up here getting your backside thoroughly pummeled."

Artur blinked, then shrugged. "I guess you're right."

* * *

"Where are we going, Sir Seth?"

Seth turned to Garcia and his son, then nodded toward the mountains. "Mathwin suspects that the river is much stronger than we've seen so far. He thinks if we manage to break the dam, the river will come rushing through and wash away the rest of the monsters, permanently this time."

Vanessa, who was stuck with them as usual, nodded. _Wash them away? What a stupid idea. Sure, it'll wash away the monsters, but it will also wash away the village and all the people in the forest! This idea is just going to kill everyone!_

_Which actually isn't such a bad idea…_

Ross looked around . "So why do my dad and I have to be here?"

"You have axes, and the dam is probably made of wood. You two are going to do the breaking."

Garcia scratched at his beard as he ran. "Won't that put us right in the middle of the river's rushing waters?"

"Probably, but hey, better you than me."

"Now I remember why I quit the military…"

* * *

Mathwin gathered the troops around. "Alright, we've- Hey, where are Colm and Neimi? And who the heck are you?"

"I am Lute, Mage extraordinaire. And judging by your clothes, you are a Warlock. I hope you don't intend to defeat me using your Felhunter pet, as that would greatly annoy me and make me want to blast you with my Cone of Cold."

Mathwin blinked, then decided to ignore her. "Anyway, we've gotten rid of all the monsters on this side of the river. Now we cross the bridge and fight the rest. I bet their leader is down there somewhere."

"Ah yes, the Entombed. A higher level Undead, only distinguishable from his brethren because of his rotted green skin, and of course his incredible strength."

Mathwin frowned at Lute. "Do you mind? I'm the tactician here."

"Sorry. Carry on, Master Warlock."

The strategist rolled his eyes, then pointed at Gilliam. "As the highest in defense, you're going to block the bridge while our long-distance guys blast at the enemies as they approach."

Gilliam paled. "I have to be the meat shield? I hate being a meat shield…"

Lute shook her head. "A Warrior would be better suited for the task."

Mathwin glared at her. "No, a Warrior would get creamed. Knights have much better defense than Warriors."

"That's ridiculous. Knights are another of those made up classes, like Monks. Warriors are the real tanks."

"Lady, I don't know WHAT strategy guide you've been reading. But according to MY school of tactics, Knights are the best meat shields out there."

Lute and Mathwin continued to go back and forth while the rest of the group sighed.

* * *

Meanwhile, on a ledge overlooking the battle, a trio of adventurers and arrived in time to see the fun.

The leader, a young woman in regal white garments with green hair tied up at the back of her head and riding a horse, laughed in an absurdly loud voice. "Why look! Those heroic types are fighting those terrible monsters! What bravado! Now, it is time for we heroes to go down and help them!"

A very short man with a thick green beard and red armor, a large axe resting on his shoulder, laughed. "GWAH HAH! Righto, thar, L'Arachel! Les go kick sum monsta boot-ee!"

L'Arachel cheered, waving her staff around. "Come my companions! Down the cliff we ride!"

The third, a man with brown hair to his shoulders and oddly expensive looking clothes, shook his head. "Rush down the cliff, and those people down their will be scraping us off the ground to make pancakes. Let's go find a nice path down there, far enough away that we'll miss the entire battle, hm?"

"Oh Rennac… I suppose you have a point!" L'Arachel laughed again, "Come Rennac, Dozla! I have had the brilliant notion of finding a safer way down! Hee hee HAH!"

She rode off, followed by the berserker. "Gwah hah HAH!"

Rennac sighed, and trudged after them. "Hah hee hah. I hate my life."

* * *

"Okay, we're at LEAST in agreement that, lacking a Warrior, we have no one but Gilliam to put there, right?"

Lute sighed. "I SUPPOSE I will give you that."

Mathwin nodded, then pointed at Gilliam. "Go block the bridge, meat shield." Gilliam sighed and trudged off. Artur and Lute, being the only ranged fighters lacking Neimi, followed.

Eirika, Franz, and Moulder turned to Mathwin. "What do we do?" The Princess asked.

Mathwin rolled his eyes. "Do I have to do EVERYTHING for you people?! Go… wait for Gilliam to fall over and kill stuff for him. Now leave me alone like you usually do, you mean people."

As Gilliam took his position, the revenants made another advance toward the group. A slow advance, considering their leg dragging method of walking, but an advance nonetheless. The leader was the large, green entombed. Artur and Lute started to charge their magic. Gilliam hunkered down. Franz and Eirika readied their weapons, feeling vaguely useless. Moulder held his staff, ready to heal. Mathwin had returned to hiding in his bush.

* * *

"Ah hah! The dam, just as Mathwin said!" Seth turned to the two axemen, "Start chopping!"

Garcia and Ross took up positions in front of the wall of wood, and started hacking away at it. Vanessa hung back, far above the area that would soon be completely flooded. While up there, she noticed a shack at the side of the dam. _I wonder if I should tell them that there's an "open" button in there…_

Ross's axe hit deeply, and water started spurting out and into his eyes. He choked, falling backwards, while the hole widened. Garcia darted away, grabbing Ross, and jumped to where it was safe.

The dam exploded outward, a massive burst of water washing through the mountain pass. Seth's horse stumbled, and the Paladin fell into the deluge. Vanessa darted downward and scooped him out, before he hit a large cluster of jagged rocks.

The river washed down into Za'ha forest, flooding the lower area which, luckily for Eirika and her companions, was the area south of the original river. Unfortunately for the town, it was washed through. Colm and Neimi, both rather annoyed by the irony, were washed away.

Gilliam, Artur, and Lute were mostly successful in repelling the Entombed, but Gilliam was falling backwards. Just then, the flood washed by. As heavy as he was, Gilliam wasn't effected very much. Artur and Lute grabbed onto him. The zombies were all washed downstream.

Eirika, Franz, Moulder, and Mathwin were able to get away from the flood, and so weren't bothered. Franz waved to Colm and Neimi as they floated by, holding onto a large couch. Colm shouted several imprecations, while Neimi sobbed uncontrollably.

Not long after, Vanessa flew down with Seth, while Ross and Garcia, leading Seth's horse, walked along the river's edge to reach the group. Mathwin gave Seth an unenthusiastic thumb's up. "Told you that plan would work."

Seth grinned tauntingly at Eirika, who shrugged. "He didn't do anything but almost drown. Ross says he did all the work.

Seth slapped Ross over the head. When Ross had recovered, so did Franz. Garcia then slapped both knights over the head. "Stop hitting my son!"

"Yeah!" Ross said, but shut up when his father slapped him over the head as well.

Artur approached Eirika, bowing. "Thank you so much for all the help you've given me. You've saved the people of Za'ha forest."

"Actually," Lute pointed out, "They destroyed the village more thoroughly than those revenants probably could have."

"Yes, well… thanks for trying, anyway."

Eirika nodded, then turned to Seth. "We must continue. This has been an annoying enough distraction."

Mathwin held up a finger to tell Eirika to wait, then turned to Lute and Artur, "Your magic is very powerful. We could really use your help in our ridiculous mission to rescue Prince Ephraim from the grips of the Grado."

Lute frowned. "The chances of success are 100:1. You realize that, correct?"

"Of course. But Eirika pays the bills."

Artur glanced at Lute. "We need a moment to discuss this in private…" he grabbed the mage by the arm and steered her a few feet away. Then, in a whisper: "Lute, we should go with them. The Pontiff Mansel wanted me to keep an eye on the ruler of Renais."

"The leadership of monarchies passes to male heirs before female, Artur. She's not the ruler: Ephraim is."

"Well she'll take us to Ephraim. Look, Mansel told me to side with Renais or Grado. I won't side Rausten with those heartless Imperials! You agree, don't you?"

"Well, the Empire has three times the military Renais had when it wasn't in tatters, six powerful generals, a government not being run by two juveniles that don't have a home, piles of gold, and a stable country that isn't in total anarchy."

"…So you're saying we should go with Grado?"

"I'm saying Renais has an Orc's chance in Stormwind of winning this war."

"You utterly confuse and horrify me sometimes, Lute. But I'm still siding with Renais. Will you come?"

"Naturally."

Artur and Lute came back to the group. "We're coming," Artur told Mathwin.

"Great, now maybe we can actually win some battles the way we're SUPPOSED to win. By slaughtering all the enemies without relying on cheap tricks!"

Franz looked around, "Speaking of tricks and cheap, where is Colm? Should we wait for him before we head out?"

Eirika shook her head. "This river goes to Serafew. We might meet them again on the way. Besides, it wouldn't be such a great loss if we never found them again."

Seth sighed.

* * *

As they made their way out of Za'ha, the group was confronted with a trio that briefly appeared earlier.

L'Arachel nearly rode over Eirika, but stopped at just the right (or wrong, in Seth's opinion) moment. "Fear not, unfortunate travelers! L'Arachel, slayer of evil, wielder of the holiest of holy lights, has arrived to save your silly mortal lives! Where are the monsters that I shall slay with my holy hands of holiness!"

All present stared at her. Finally Seth cleared his throat. "We, erm, killed them all already."

The slightly insane woman blinked in surprise. "Really? Well good for you! It is always good to see evil cleansed, no matter what hands it was that did the cleansing! Though I must admit, I am somewhat disappointed that I didn't get to do it…"

Dozla laughed (Gwah hah HAH!). "Righto, L'Arachel! Ah'm a bitsy disappintererd as well. Boot ah lease tha beasties be killded!"

Rennac rolled his eyes. "You people are impossible."

Eirika raised an eyebrow. "And you are…?"

L'Arachel beamed. "I? Why, I am the light and glory of Rausten, the crown jewel of the crown of the royal family. I am-"

Dozla jumped up and down frantically. "NO! Lady L'Arachel, ye cannae reveal yer idenny-tee ere!"

L'Arachel blinked, then smiled. "Woops! My mistake. Sorry, green haired someone-or-another, but I must ride off into the sunset in perfect anonymity! Come my humble slaves! We ride!"

L'Arachel rode off. Dozla followed with another "Gwah hah HAH!" Rennac followed with another "I REALLY hate my life."

Artur blinked. "Was that… L'Arachel? What was she doing here…"

Eirika shrugged at Seth, then started walking. Franz tugged at Seth's sleeve as they started walking. "Sir Seth… that woman was riding east. The sunset is in the opposite direction…"

Seth turned to look back the way they had come, then turned forward again and shrugged. "Oh well."

* * *

Meanwhile…

"Colm?"

"WHAT, Neimi?!"

"This is your fault. And you're mean. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Colm proceeded to slam his head against the arm of the couch on which he and Neimi were stuck floating on. "This is NOT worth an A support rating! It's not worth it!"


	9. Chapter Five: The Empire's Reach

-1**Chapter Five: The Empire's Reach**

_At the border of Renais and Grado stands Serafew, a town with citizens of both countries. Serafew is the traditional meeting place for rulers of both countries to meet. It's where Vigarde would regularly taunt Fado and bully him into giving him more and more tribute._

_The fact that no meeting was held in Serafew before the invasion of Renais is proof to many that this is a real war, that Grado truly means to conquer Renais. Now Serafew is controlled entirely by Grado, and Renais citizens are oppressed where they dare show their faces in the city._

* * *

A man with long red hair, a black hat, and black clothing, wandered Serafew, an air of arrogance about him. He had a long, curved sword of red metal that he periodically tapped against his boots as he lifted them from the ground.

"Ah, what a nice day in this dreary town. Almost enough to make me forget that I'm serving a bunch of nihilistic tightwads that don't actually want to pay me any money. In fact, they pay so little, I run out in mere moments. How am I supposed to gamble with this miniscule paycheck?"

He noticed a building built in the style of a coliseum, which made absolutely no sense since the Romans did not exist in Magvel. "An arena… maybe I should check I out, fight to get a bit of gold. Not like there's anything better to do. No fights EVER break out in this boring town…"

Suddenly a woman with long blonde hair under a pure white habit ran right into the mercenary, knocking both over. The mercenary helped her up as she spewed out apologies. "No worries, Sister. My, but you're a lovely cleric, aren't you?"

The woman broke off in her apologies to stare at him. "Um… thanks?"

"You're welcome. But you can thank me more thoroughly by going out to dinner with me. Interested?"

The woman blinked again, then pulled slightly away from him. "I'm sure you're… nice and all, but I really don't have time for this flirting business. So will you just… move? So I can flee for my life? Oh, thanks. Bye now."

The mercenary blinked as the woman ran away. "Guess I was too forward… Nah. My approach is perfect. I mean, I'm so charming! I guess she doesn't swing that way. Oh well, I guess I'll head to the arena."

* * *

Not far away, General Glen, the Wyvern Lord of Grado, had flown to meet the commander of the Serafew border guard, accompanied only by one other wyvern riding soldier.

The knight who led the border guard, Commander Saar, saluted Glen as he landed. The commander was an unhappy looking older man with his head slumped forward. He was obviously much older than the General, but showed respect to him.

"Commander Saar," Glen said, "You have new orders. Princess Eirika of Renais is known to be heading this way in an attempt to invade Grado. You are to apprehend and capture her."

"This way? Why would she be stupid enough to actually pass through a Grado controlled city?"

Glen shrugged. "No clue. Maybe it's that harebrained tactician, or that sub-par paladin. Someone's giving her some crappy advice. Anyway, capture her."

"If she resists, do we have permission to execute her?"

Glen pondered that. "Well, since not doing that would be breaking one of those Evil Overlord rules, I'd say yes. After all, we wouldn't want to be dumb Evil Overlords."

"Evil, sir?"

"I dunno, whatever you want to call us. Misled, misunderstood, whatever. Just catch her, and if you have to, kill her to do it. But make sure you get her bracelet and give it to me."

Saar looked concerned. "Are you leaving, General?"

"What? No. I KNOW she's coming, so of course I'm going to be in the area. It'd be STUPID not to. I bet that's an Evil Overlord rule too, but I wouldn't know which."

"I thought we were misunderstood…"

"Oh, we are. Sorry about that Saar. Anyway, I'll be around, probably cruising pubs and stuff. See ya later. Make sure to holler when Eirika gets here." With that, Glen and his companion started to fly off. Then Glen stopped to turn back. "Also, a traitor to the empire is supposed to be in town."

Saar rolled his eyes. "Why is EVERYONE stupid enough to pass this way? Do they think we're slack on defense or something?"

"Well you are the most under-funded platoon, and your troops are pretty low in the experience department."

"Pardon?"

"Oh, nothing. Anyway, same deal as Eirika, minus the bracelet thing, obviously."

"Yes sir!" Glen and his companion flew off, before stopping again, for some reason. The other rider, who had the same blonde hair and tan skin as Glen, but a craggier face, with a scar on his chin. "Something troubling you, brother?" he asked.

Glen shook his head. "Nothing, Cormag. Now let's go hit the pubs and drown my worries about the morality of the empire in booze!"

Cormag frowned, but followed silently.

* * *

Eirika's group had arrived at the gates of the city. The Princess looked around. "Serafew. So many memories… mostly bad ones. We passed through here when father made us wards of the Emperor. First me, then my brother. All as a sign that we wanted to be friends. I remember the hostility we received from the Grado… Until I met Prince Lyon, that is."

Seth looked around. "This city has always been a tense place. Now it is firmly controlled by the Grado. Still, it doesn't seem well fortified. I suppose the Emperor doesn't think it's worth guarding, and so doesn't pay much attention to it."

Mathwin sighed. "You two talk too much. Blah blah blah Lyon, blah blah blah, lost peace, blah blah blah undermanned. Geez, people!"

"Excuse me…" A man with short gray hair, but an otherwise youthful face, appeared. He looked like he had been out in the wilderness for a while, by his weathered appearance. "Have any of you happened to see a girl with indigo hair, dragon wings, and a particularly nasty disposition?"

Seth glanced toward Eirika, but quickly averted his eyes. The rest of the group just shook their heads.

The gray-haired man sighed. "Well, thanks anyway." He then turned to walk away.

Eirika watched him go. "There was something strange about that man…"

Moulder frowned at her. "Strange? My, but you love pinning completely incorrect adjectives to people, don't you? Next you'll say that the emperor is charitable and that Mathwin is diligent!"

"I'm getting tired of people mocking me when I'm standing right here…"

Seth rolled his eyes. "Anyway-"

"STOP! Seize the traitor!"

Mathwin jumped behind Seth. "I didn't do anything!"

Moulder frowned at the tactician. "I believe they were referring to that cleric they are currently chasing down."

"Oh… hah, right."

Said cleric was chased up against a wall by a group of Grado soldiers. "Traitor! Surrender or we will be forced to use lethal force against you!"

The blonde cleric shook her head vigorously. "Please! Listen to me! The emperor is a nut!"

"How dare you make sexual innuendo about our emperor! That's just inappropriate! You want us to get a mature rating, lady?! Get her and make her particularly unhappy!"

The cleric screamed and ran, right into Eirika. "Goodness, I'm clumsy today!" She yelled as she hit the ground. The woman looked up at Eirika, but the princess made no move to help her up. She struggled to rise, until Franz rode over to help her. "Thank you, young man…"

The Princess frowned at the Cleric. "So you're a traitor? Maybe if we turn you in, we'll get off easy getting past the Grado."

The woman gasped. Seth shook his head. "Wouldn't work." The cleric sighed in relief.

"I dunno…" The cleric gasped again until Seth smacked Mathwin over the head. "Okay, fine, it wouldn't work!" The cleric sighed in relief again.

Eirika rolled her eyes, looking to the woman. "So you are…"

"Oh, I'm Natasha, a cleric in the Temple of Grado. And I need to tell you-"

"Don't care."

"What? But aren't you here to face the threat of Grado?"

"Not really. I just want to save my brother. Then we'll go hide in Frelia and let Hayden take care of the bad guys."

Natasha blinked, then looked around nervously. "But- but someone has to help! Please?"

"Still don't care."

Natasha looked on the verge of tears, then apparently had an idea. "Well, you need to fight through here anyway, don't you? Might as well accidentally save my life by fighting off all the enemies. Please?"

Eirika looked up to see the approaching soldiers hesitate. "Well, I suppose, but only because Serafew is already in the way."

Natasha sighed in relief (again). "Thank you thank you THANK YOU!"

Eirika shoved Natasha off her leg. "Wonderful. Now, as a cleric, you can heal, right? Because Moulder isn't very good and I was hoping we'd find someone a bit better."

The older priest blinked, than frowned angrily. "Why I never! I follow you people around for three weeks, keeping you alive and putting myself at risk, and this is how you thank me?! I'm old! I shouldn't be out like this!"

Mathwin rolled his eyes. "Whatever Moustache."

"It's Moulder! Moulder! MOULDER! My name is not moustache! And stop mocking my lip fuzz! I'll have you know that it received the Mario Award two years ago, against some scary competition! I beat Athos and Bartre in a close match! Are you even listening to me?!"

The group, however, had moved on. Moulder howled in rage, then wandered away. "Fine! If they don't want me, then I'll leave!"

Mathwin walked over to a nearby tourist and ripped the map out of his hand. "Hey!" The young girl shouted, waving her fist angrily, before stomping off.

Natasha blinked at Mathwin. "That's not very nice…"

The strategist shrugged. "Not like she's ever going to be some incredibly powerful armored knight that easily whoops every butt in sight under my command. So who cares? Anyway," Mathwin unfolded the map of Serafew, looking around on it curiously. "There's an arena over here. Maybe after the battle, we can head over there and get some extra experience and gold. Certainly nothing bad about that. More importantly is raid- I mean, visiting all the houses that offer out free goodies to us hero types."

Seth raised an eyebrow. "And here I thought 'surviving' was the most important part."

"What? Why would that be? It's not like you're the only paladin we're ever going to recruit." Seth scowled at Mathwin and turned away. "Anyway, we're here, outside the walls. There are three points of entry that we'll need to watch out for. Colm and Neimi, you- Oh yeah, they're floating down the river. Well then, I guess it's just Vanessa taking the far west road by herself."

The pegasus knight choked on the mug of coffee that she inexplicably had. "I have to do what now?!"

"Oh fine, Gilliam will go with you."

The knight sighed. "I have to do everything…"

"Geez you people… fine, Garcia, you go too then."

Eirika frowned. "Is there going to be anyone left to take the other two points of entry?"

"I'm getting to it! Eirika, Seth, Franz, and Natasha, you take the double stairs. And watch out: I see a myrmidon over there, and from the looks of it, he's got a nasty Killing Edge. Those things hurt, so try not to let him get too close. Anyway, Ross, Artur, Lute, you've got the last staircase."

Ross whooped with joy, but Lute sighed. Mathwin frowned. "What NOW?!"

"Would it not be better to keep a healer with every group?"

"Well since Moulder left, we only have Natasha…"

"What about Seth? He's a paladin, so he can heal at least MARGINALLY well."

Seth blinked at the mage. "What? No I can't."

"I can't stand you paladins who think you're too good to be bothered with healing. I know you have the plate mail and all, but remember that you're a HYBRID. That means you heal, tank, and do damage. You can't just do one and ignore the needs of the rest of the group."

Seth blinked again, sighed, then started to ride off. Lute shook her head. "Paladins. This is why I wish I'd rolled an Undead rather than a human. Shaman are so much better anyway."

Mathwin stared at her, then shrugged. "Whatever lady. Just get going. I'll be checking out the trick-or-treating around here."

* * *

The red-haired myrmidon sighed, leaving the arena. "Not a speck of gold for all my trouble. It's enough to depress a man. To think I can't even beat a-"

"You there! Sellsword!" A soldier ran up, glaring at the mercenary.

"That's Joshua to you. What do you want?"

"Why aren't you at your post? The battle's already begun!"

Joshua turned to see the enemy lining up at the double staircase. "Really? I hadn't noticed."

"You didn't notice the big red letters that flashed over your eyes saying 'Opponent's Turn?'"

"Nope, I was too busy in the arena. Say, how'd you like to join me in a little match? We won't play for kills, of course, but it's a good way to get and/or lose some money."

The soldier glared at him. "This is not the time for infighting! Even play infighting! Why, Commander Saar would-"

"Blah, Saar's a fat old moron. Who cares what he thinks?"

The soldier gagged, then marched away in a huff. "The Commander will hear of this, and he'll dock your pay!"

Joshua sighed, swinging his sword experimentally. "Some people just can't take a joke…"

* * *

"I'm glad that flood finally subsided. My sneaky cloak is ruined!"

Neimi glanced at Colm, smiling apologetically. "I'm sorry, but I really needed a tissue…"

Colm sighed. "Whatever, okay? Anyway, now that we've lost those creeps AND robbed them blind, let's head into that town there and shack up for the day. I'm beat."

Neimi nodded, but was already worried about the soldiers patrolling the city, looking rather angry. "So Colm… what did you take from Princess Eirika?"

Colm grinned. "Well… hey! Where's… oh crap! I left all my stolen goods in that loser Franz's saddlebag!"

"Why'd you put it there?"

"Well I needed a hiding place… Man, I am such a lousy thief!"

"Oh my! Now there's a cutie!" the myrmidon Joshua approached, grinning at Neimi.

Colm blinked, then grimaced, getting in Joshua's way, his dagger drawn. "Okay, Mr. Baddie! Prepare to be in pain!"

Joshua batted Colm out of the way so he could then grab Neimi by the hand, stroking it and smiling genially. "Well there, you adorable little thing you, what are you doing here?"

Neimi blushed. "I'm- um- I'm-"

Colm stood up, shoving Joshua away. "She's with me, bucko! Now shove off!"

Joshua rolled his eyes, then batted Colm away again. He smiled at Neimi. "Um… please don't hurt Colm… He's my friend…"

The myrmidon raised any eyebrow at Colm. "This uncouth ruffian? Are you sure? A lovely young lady such as yourself can do better than this riffraff, I'm sure."

Neimi blushed again, "He's- he's still my friend…"

Joshua shrugged, helping Colm up. The thief, when he was on his feet, immediately pulled away from the mercenary, brushing himself off. "I didn't need help… cummon Neimi. We've got better things to do."

Neimi allowed Colm to drag her off, but turned to wave at Joshua. Joshua waved back, grinning. "Looks like I can still get the girls. Yep, that cleric was just a fluke. Just… a… fluke."

* * *

Mathwin wandered into one of the houses, and was met by a woman with red hair in a long braid and a rather skimpy outfit. She smiled with rouged lips. "Hello there."

"Er… hi."

"Did you come to see me dance? I'm afraid I just finished, and my toes are rather sore from all that dancing. Maybe next time, dearie. Oh by the way, would you like one of these items? A wealthy patron gave them to me, but I simply can't carry them all. You can sell it for gold, or perhaps use it to improve your skills. So anyway, take it! What good is wealth if you don't use it to help others?"

Mathwin blinked, taking the hefty shield she offered. "Um, thanks. Has anyone ever told you that you talk a lot?"

The woman blinked. "Why yes, actually. I always ignored it, figuring that they were just silly, or perhaps impatient. I mean, it doesn't seem like a talk that much to me. In fact, I think I'm rather shy and quiet. Makes me more attractive as a dancer, don't you think? It's sort of a contrived personality, I know, so I'm not REALLY shy and quiet. But I'm not overly talkative either. What do you think- Hm? Hey, where did that man go? He forgot to take this Master Seal I was going to give him? Oh well, to the trash it goes!"

* * *

Eirika, Seth, Franz, and Natasha took up positions at the two sets of stairs that led into the town of Serafew. Franz and Seth used their horses to block the path, while Eirika and Natasha hung back.

Suddenly, two scruffy-looking bandits appeared just next to Eirika. "Sweet!" One shouted, "Let's steal our way through this pathetic town!"

The other bandit turned to the first, "But it's crawling with enemy troops that will kill us on sight… and it's not really pathetic because it's actually pretty big…"

The first glared at the other. "Shaddup! We're enemy units, and the Grado boys are enemy units. Thus, they won't attack us because they'll think we're on their side even when we're raiding their town. Get it?"

The bandit blinked, then shook his head. "Not really , no. Why would we all be enemies? Who are we the enemies of? Is it really fair to lump us into this black and white category thing? Why am I, a bandit, interested in the dichotomy of good and evil? Why would the Grado think we're on the same side?"

The first bandit sighed. "Look, let's just raid some villages, alright? And stop thinking! It's… not right!"

Eirika cleared her throat, causing the two bandits to finally notice her. "Oooh! A lady with a sword! Let's chop her up!"

"Why?"

"Stop thinking!"

Eirika sighed, then proceeded to shish-kebab one. The other jumped at her, managing to cut her along her back. Eirika fell, and Seth had to turn around and deal with the bandit with his sword. The paladin looked at the Princess, concerned. "Are you alright? Is it bad? Can you move?"

Natasha was already healing her. "Don't worry, Sir Seth. She'll be fine."

Seth nodded, turning back toward the advancing Grado soldiers. He noticed Franz smiling at him. "What?"

"You… like… Princess…" Seth smacked him over the head before he could finish that statement.

* * *

_Why do I get stuck with the suicide route? What does that stupid tactician have against me? I don't think I ever did anything to him… is this about surviving and killing all the bandits way back in Ide? What did he want me to do, die?!_

Gilliam stomped along after Garcia placidly. Vanessa followed, keeping her pegasus on the ground, trotting. So far, no enemies.

Except the archer hiding in the bush that proceeded to shoot at Vanessa, causing her mount to spook and fly upwards. _Why does this keep happening?!_

Gilliam turned (slowly, of course) to see the archer, whose arrow pinged off his absurdly heavy armor. As Gilliam drew all the attacks, Garcia rushed forward to chop the archer's head off. The two G-men gave each other high-fives, then looked up, wondering what happened to Vanessa.

Then an axeman and a swordsman came at them, and they forgot.

* * *

Ross was laughing triumphantly over his new position as guard, while Artur and Lute sighed. "Does he realize that no one has even attacked him yet?"

"I would think so. After all, other than being in that preadolescent stage of stupidity and being so obsessed with his father than he wants to be a great warrior like him, but doesn't realize that his father is actually a sub-par fighter."

Artur blinked at Lute, then turned away.

Ross turned to glare at Lute. "Oh yeah? Well what's YOUR dream?"

Lute's eyes flashed. "Why, I dream of achieving level 60 and finally gaining access to all that end-game content, like high-level raids, and Arcanist gear, and all that. Then I shall become the most powerful juggernaut of firepower the world has ever seen."

Ross took a step away, then looked at Artur. "How about you?"

The monk blushed. "Well… you see… I want to be a superstar singer!"

Ross blinked in shock, while Lute shook her head pityingly. "A… singer?"

"Yeah! Pope Mansel has already promised his support if I- um, do something for him. Anyway, I've got talent! Want me to demonstrate?"

"Not really-" But Artur had already jumped on top of the low wall they were guarding.

Lute covered her eyes. "Oh no…"

Artur started to dance (mostly by swaying his hips from side to side and waving his hands randomly), while singing (translation: shrieking) a song. "You ain't nothing but a hound dog! Crying all the time!"

Ross covered his ears. "My brain is melting! Good holy heaven, I think it's going to explode!"

Lute just shook her head again. "You ain't nothing but a hound dog! Something something something! Blah blah blah and you ain't no friend of mine!"

Artur jumped down beside them. "So, what did you think? I know I missed a few lines…"

Ross was on the ground, twitching. "I guess it was a bit too much for him…"

The two magic users shrugged, then looked up to see three generic enemy soldiers charging at them, looking rather fearsome with their large spears. Lute stepped forward while Artur fell to his knees by Ross, shaking him frantically. "Wake up! Wake up Ross! We're just fragile magic types! One smack and we're down!"

There was a sound of blasts of air, and the screaming of mutilated humans. Artur looked over to see the mangled corpses of the two soldiers frozen several feet from Lute. "What- what the hell did you do?!"

"I used my Cone of Cold to freeze them in place, then slaughtered them with my Arcane Missiles."

"Lute, neither of those spells exist! Did you buy them from a glitch store or something?"

"No, I spent a large amount of money buying them from my trainer. You people are so unimaginative, with your stupid spells that don't do anything other than damage."

Artur blinked, then shook his head. Ross chose then to sit up, looking around. "Did Artur stop singing? Because pretending to be in a coma is boring…"

* * *

More soldiers approached Seth and Franz, who were mostly successful in repelling them. The two knights (well, one paladin and one cavalier) moved forward, while Eirika ran up beside them, rapier in hand. Natasha stayed close, ready to heal.

Meanwhile, Joshua was sighing and getting ready to attack, when he noticed Colm and Neimi again, sneaking around. He strolled over to the archer, as she waited for her 'boyfriend' to sneak into a house. "Hiya cutie. What's happening?"

Neimi yelped in fright, then turned to Joshua. She blushed and smiled again. "Um… nothing…"

"Say, you don't happen to know those scruffy knight types over there, do you?"

"Yes, that's Princess Eirika of Renais. Colm and I were helping her when we were washed away in a flood. I guess now we can rejoin her, though!"

"Yeah, about that…" Joshua scratched at the back of his head, "See, as a mercenary working for Grado, I kinda have to kill you now."

Neimi paled. "Um… do you have to?"

The mercenary shrugged. "Yeah, actually. Although… you ARE pretty cute. Maybe… say, do you like to gamble?"

Neimi blinked. "That's illegal."

Joshua grinned. "Nah, don't worry about that. Who is going to yell at us? Everyone is too busy killing each other. But if you don't want to, I guess we can start…"

The archer yelped. "Okay! Gambling it is! What will we do? Roulette? Poker?"

He waved his hands dismissively. "No need. I was thinking we just flip a coin." He pulled out a coin, "Heads or tails?"

"Um, heads- no tails! No wait, I like heads! Gah, that sounds wrong! I meant tails! But that can be misconstrued as well! Um…" Neimi pulled at her pink hair.

Joshua rolled his eyes. "Tails it is!" With that, he flipped the coin into the air, caught it, and slapped it onto the back of his wrist. He pulled his hand away, then looked at the coin. "Um… heads."

Neimi swallowed nervously. The two looked at each other awkwardly for a moment. Joshua looked around, then asked "Best two out of three?"

"Yes please!" Neimi shouted.

Joshua flipped the coin again, catching and putting it on his other hand. He pulled it away. "Um… head again."

Neimi wiped at her forehead. "Three out of five?"

Joshua repeated the whole coin flipping thing, then only uncovered the coin enough for him to see it. He grimaced, then looked up, staring past Neimi. With a shout, he pointed behind her. "Isn't that Christina Aguilera?!"

"What?! Where?!" Neimi spun around, looking around excitedly.

"Oh, oops. My bad. Anyway- hey, it's tails! Looks like I'm on your side now!"

Neimi turned back to him. "But don't we need to get tails two more times?"

Joshua frowned. "Can we just skip that part?"

"Yes please!"

Colm flew through the window of the house he was trying to pillage, followed by shouts from the occupant. He stood up, holding a very thick sword. "Well, I managed to get this armorslayer- Hey, what's that bum doing here?"

Neimi turned to smile at him. "Joshua is going to help us now!"

The myrmidon snatched the sword from Colm's hand. "Thanks, buddy. That'll be useful."

The thief gaped. "Hey, that's mine! Neimi, we don't need this bozo's- whoa now, I was kidding! Don't point that sword at me, okay?"

Joshua smiled at Colm from under his hat. "Got it, buddy boy."

* * *

Vanessa finally landed back on the ground, right next to Mathwin, who was still lugging around the massive Dragon shield. The pegasus knight was looking rather unhappy. _Stupid winged horse, jumping at every stupid arrow! Why did I have to become a sissy pegasus knight?! Why couldn't I be born in Grado and become a Wyvern Rider instead? Why does the world hate me so much!_

Mathwin glanced over at her. "What's got your panties in a twist?"

Vanessa glared at him. "Nothing!" She snarled.

"Hoo, okie dokie then. Put the fangs away, scary lady. Say, wanna help me with this absurdly large thing?"

Vanessa rolled her eyes, grabbing the large shield. "What is it?"

"It's a Dragon Shield. Apparently, using it permanently increases your defense stat."

"Oh." _That doesn't clarify anything, you moron! What's a stat? Do I have those? Will it make me less of a fragile sissy? If so, maybe I should just use it… I wonder how- oh, maybe this button here at the back._ Vanessa pushed the button. The shield exploded with a bright array of sparks, which absorbed into her. She immediately felt as though someone could throw a spear at her and it would bounce off.

"Hey!" Mathwin cried, "I was saving that for some pansy that needed- Oh, well, I guess you did kind of need it…"

Vanessa shrugged. "Sorry." "Pah, fool! Now no one can stop me! I ride off, to battle! Bwah hah hah hah!"

"Vanessa… why were you just cackling wickedly?"

The green-haired pegasus knight blinked. "Did I do that… out loud?"

"Um, yes. Have these internal monologues been going on long?"

Vanessa flushed, then flew off. Mathwin sighed. "Thought so."

* * *

Garcia sighed. "We're not really doing anything interesting. We killed maybe two enemies, and now we're just sitting here, waiting for everyone else to catch up. We don't even have any witty dialogue."

Gilliam shrugged. "What did you expect? We're two loser characters, and there's a whole lot more in the group, who are both more powerful and more amusing. Someone has to be ignored."

Garcia shook his head. "Why me though? I've got great back story! I have a son and a wife that I became angry with ten years ago and have not spoken to since!"

"A HAH!" Out of nowhere, Garcia's wife tackled him, striking him repeatedly with a very dented frying pan, "You admitted it! You know I'm not dead! You admitted it! I've got you now!"

"Um, Garcia? Looks like you've got someone on your back."

Garcia blinked, glancing around, then screamed in terror. "It must be the ghost of my dead wife!"

"You LIAR! You know I'm not dead! I'm going to KILL YOU!"

Gilliam rolled his eyes. "Well, I guess I'm the only person who useless both for comedy and combat. I'm going to walk around," The knight began stumping, and after two minutes had made it about two feet, "Oh yeah, I'm subject to fat jokes. I think I liked being ignored better."

* * *

"You know, when I was your age-"

Mathwin cleared his throat. "Can we skip the playful banter and get to the part where you give me an item then close off your house to bandits?"

The old man blinked, then shrugged, handing the tactician a book. "That has my secret techniques in it. Thus, the title."

On the cover were the words "Secret Book". Mathwin frowned at it. "Well, a power up is a power up."

But before could figure out what it was for, Vanessa swooped out of nowhere and snatched it from his hand, flying off while cackling. The strategist shook his fist angrily at her. "Stop stealing all the power ups!"

The old man grinned (toothlessly). "Don't worry, sonny. If you'd listened to my story, you'd know that that was a book on the secrets to crochet."

Mathwin raised an eyebrow. "Then why were you giving it to me?"

He scratched his chin to think about that. "Ya know… I don't really know. Senility is a killer, you know."

* * *

Artur, Ross, and Lute rejoined Eirika's group as they moved north, deeper into the city. Soon, Joshua, Colm, and Neimi came south to meet them. Colm grimaced at the sight of them. "I thought I was rid of you losers!"

Eirika shrugged. "The feeling is mutual."

Joshua stepped forward to take the Princess's hand, kissing it elegantly. "My lady, I am Joshua, a humble mercenary who will now be working for you. My rates start at-"

"Um, Joshua…." The myrmidon turned to look at Neimi, who was scraping her foot nervously, "Our bet didn't mention payment."

Joshua thought about that, then sighed. "Dammit, you're right. I guess I'm working for free…" Colm laughed at him, while Eirika pulled her hand free to wipe it off on Seth's leg.

Mathwin chose then to wander over. Eirika frowned at him. "You did not receive any gifts from the townspeople?"

"I did!" the strategist exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air, "But Vanessa stole them all and used them on herself!"

The Princess sighed. "Anyone else happen to get anything?"

Joshua whistled, holding the armorslayer behind his back. "You know," Eirika said, watching him, "Whistling just makes everyone look at you."

Colm smacked himself in the forehead. "That explains so many failed burglaries!"

Mathwin started clapping his hands together to get the attention of the assorted people. "Now's that time when we hit the arena for several hours to gather money and get some of you weaklings up to par!"

Seth sighed. "Can't we skip that? We have a Prince to save, an angry empire to avoid, and you want to spend all our time in an arena that resembles a structure that doesn't exist in our world?"

"I hear you talking, but all I hear is blah, blah, blah." Mathwin turned away from the sub par paladin to walk towards the arena.

Colm sidled over to Seth. "Heh, now even the narrator is referring to you as sub par! You're screwed, dude!"

"Get away from me before my very small amount of restraint snaps and I reach over and strangle your childishly thin throat!"

Colm sidled away, and tripped.

* * *

Gilliam sighed, having finally reached a door. "Now I can check this house for supplies-"

Suddenly the door burst open, causing him to fly backwards. A middle-aged man with blue hair ran out, shouting something about time being money. He dropped a torch on the way out.

"Now wait a minute!" Gilliam shouted, "There are only so many plot discrepancies I can stand! Hey narrator! Since everyone else seems to be passing the fourth wall today, I'm doing it too! It's supposed to be Amelia in here! Merlinus is NOT in this game!"

Well, Amelia appeared earlier, remember? Mathwin stole a tour map from her?

"Oh yeah… well it's still not right!"

* * *

"Well, I feel stronger and richer from that very long bout in the arena." Franz flexed. "Oh yes, the ladies will be unable to resist me now. I doubt that any of them will be able to- SWEET MOTHER OF HOLINESS, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ROSS?!"

Ross had suddenly gone from spindly little boy to big, beefy adult warrior, though for some reason his face was the same. The young bodybuilder grinned at the knight. "I am not a journeyman anymore! This is what I call a promotion!"

Mathwin examined Ross. "A pirate? I guess that makes sense. I guess you're planning to trade the versatility of a hero and warrior's dual weapons for the higher critical rate and stronger attack of a berserker?"

Ross blinked. "Well… nah. I just think pirates are cool! Now I get to say 'arrr'! Oh, and I have two axes!"

Mathwin shook his head as the no longer quite so little boy flexed his absurdly huge muscles. "Oh, the sorry state of the young. This is why more people should be spineless cowards like me."

Eirika blinked at Mathwin. "Why?"

"I don't know. I was just thinking that I wish more people were cowards so I could feel better about myself." The strategist shrugged.

Franz was glowering at Ross. "This doesn't mean you get to skip your etiquette lessons! You still need to learn how to eat, sleep, and bathe properly! But how am I going to fit you in a decent outfit now that you have grossly rippling biceps?"

"Artur, I don't understand why you're bothering with this level twenty business. Why do you not simply wait to reach sixty?"

"Lute, I still don't know what you're talking. Even Ross, who gets an extra ten levels over all of us, can only reach a maximum of fifty. Sixty is simply impossible!"

Lute rolled her eyes. "You people… Oh well. What happens when you reach twenty? As a mage, I'll learn my first teleport, but you're a… monk. What do you get?"

"Um, what everyone else gets. I won't be able to ascend in levels any more until I use a Guiding Ring to make myself into a promoted class."

Lute shook her head. "Makes no sense. This system is just so inherently flawed… You'd think you were playing a turn-based strategy game or something."

"Game? What?"

Gilliam and Garcia, his wife still beating him over the head, approached the group. Gilliam looked unhappy. "You couldn't have told us that you were going to spend hours in the arena? We've been worried sick!"

Mathwin shrugged. "Guess I forgot. You guys aren't important anyway."

Garcia shook his head, than noticed Ross. "What the- you put my son on steroids!"

Joshua cleared his throat. "Maybe we should go fight the boss now? I'm sure he's starting to wonder what's taking so long."

The tactician glowered at Joshua, mad that the myrmidon had stolen his bossiness cue, then pointed the group in the direction of the boss.

As they made their way over toward the Commander of the Serafew Border Guard, said Commander was busy picking idly at his toes. "Are they EVER going to get here?" Saar complained.

Suddenly: "Skree-AUGH!"

When Eirika and her companions arrived, Saar was already dead, his armor opened as though someone had taken a can opener and peeled it open. Seth rubbed at his head. "What the hell happened here?"

"I did!" The group turned to see Vanessa, twirling her lance and grinning maliciously, "I have become so bad ass and powerful that I no longer fear anything! I can even voice my inner monologues and not worry that people won't like me for what I say! I don't need you losers any longer!"

All she received from the group was blinks. She frowned. "What? No cries of shock at my betrayal? I'm going to start killing you, you know!"

"But you're still a low level pegasus knight," Mathwin pointed out, "The only reason you beat fatso here was because of that heavy spear that you got out of nowhere."

Vanessa blinked. "You mean.. I'm not bad ass powerful?"

"Nope. You're still a pansy."

Vanessa flushed, then smiled sheepishly. "I was… kidding?"

Eirika shrugged. "Sure, fine, whatever. Doesn't bother me at all. I was just going to have Seth spear you, or the now buff Ross chop your head off."

Vanessa glanced at Ross, and her eyes bulged with shock. "Ross! You're huge!"

"I know!" Ross flexed, "So, now will you go out with me?"

"…No. You're still a minor, and I still don't like you, you chauvinistic pig."

Ross sighed. "Meanie…"

The group turned and started walking back the way they had come. Vanessa followed, grumbling.

Then out of nowhere, a large wyvern landed directly in their path, ridden by a blonde man in armor, with a large spear in hand. "Princesh Eirika! I have come to sheize you in the name of hish Imperial Majeshty, Emperor Vigarde, hic!"

Seth blinked, riding a bit further to examine the Wyvern Lord. "General Glen? Are you drunk?"

Glen swayed in his saddle. "Don't be ridiculoush! I'm completely shober! Not a drop more than I can handle, hic!"

Moulder staggered out of a nearby tavern and over to Glen. He grinned evilly at Mathwin. "Ushlesh, huh? I got the big bad pickled! I done my part… hic!" With that, the mustached priest collapsed.

Glen started to sway more, than fell off his wyvern, and started snoring. Another wyvern rider, on a smaller beast with a smaller lance, came out, sighing. "I told you not to drink so much, Bro! You're such a terrible role model!"

Seth raised an eyebrow at the newcomer. "Cormag, is it? The brother of General Glen? What are you two doing here?"

Cormag glared at the paladin. "We came to make sure we could capture Eirika, because we knew she was coming and so didn't want to leave and thus allow her to escape. But my brother was depressed by the moral dilemma caused by the Emperor's genocidal tendencies against Renais, and decided to drink his agony away. Then this priest with the impressive lip fuzz showed up and got him to drink even more, and well…"

Eirika rolled her eyes. "Are all Grado higher-ups so stupid?"

"Hey!" Cormag yelled, "Don't talk about my brother that way! I'm gonna take out my wrath on you, take your bracelet, and redeem my brother by giving it to the Emperor!"

Mathwin crossed his arms. "What's so special about her stupid bracelet?"

Eirika turned to him. "It's a symbol of my lack of individuality."

"Whazzat?"

"As a twin, I stereotypically must be closer to my brother than I would have been otherwise. Since he's my twin, I feel that he's 'a part of me', again, according to stereotype. And to further the stereotype, he and I have a matching accessory."

"Geez, sucks to be you, huh?"

Cormag sighed. "Are you two paying any attention to me?!"

Gilliam muttered "Welcome to my world."

Cormag roared with wrath, his wyvern rearing up into the air, then flying at them with lance extended. Neimi jumped forward and shot an arrow at the beast. The wyvern yelped in terror and flew straight up and away.

_Well_ Vanessa thought, _At least I'm not the only one with a pansy flying animal._

"Dammit!" Cormag shouted from an increasing altitude, "I'll get you later, you fiend!"

* * *

The group bought (or rather, took over) rooms in the inn. Seth, Eirika, and Mathwin brought Natasha down into the common room to speak to her. "Thank you," the cleric said "For saving my life."

"No problem. We love saving traitors," Mathwin answered in his dour voice.

Seth peered at her, causing Natasha to become rather uncomfortable, "Why were the Grado trying to capture you, a cleric?"

Natasha looked down at her hands. "Yes, as to that… you see, I was a cleric in the Imperial Temple, under the high priest Father MacGregor. As you know, the Emperor has become increasingly hostile over the last year, keeping up almost monthly raids against Renais, unlike before, when our two countries had but an uneasy peace… Well, when this war began, rumors started to fly about. Father MacGregor learned the truth behind the Emperor's motives: He is trying to destroy the Sacred Stones?"

Eirika blinked. "…So?"

Natasha paled. "WHY?! The Sacred Stones are the sacred treasures of our land! Even now, they are all that keeps evil at bay!"

"That's silly," Eirika retorted, "And clichéd as well. Five gems keeping evil at bay… goodness you religious types are silly."

Natasha shook her head frantically. "Regardless, the Emperor is completely willing to invade every other country, killing anyone in his way, to steal and destroy the Sacred Stones! Even if you do not hold any faith in the power of the gems, you must realize that he will kill countless people!"

Eirika shook her head. "I don't care. All I care about is saving my brother, then returning with him to Frelia so we can be safe until this whole conflict blows over. I am not going on some mystical journey to save the world."

"But-"

Seth shook his head at the cleric. "I stand by the Princess on this. We are but a small contingent. Even if we wanted to, we could not oppose the Grado army and stop them from, as you saying, invading the rest of Magvel. It is all we can do to rescue Prince Ephraim."

Natasha sighed. "Then… it seems it was a waste of time talking to you. By your leave, I need to go to Frelia to speak with King Hayden."

Seth frowned. "Out of the question. We're keeping you with us. The last thing we need is for a Grado spy to reveal our location to the rest of Grado. You're staying with us."

"What? You- you think I'm a spy?" Natasha, upset, stood angrily, "I will not-"

"You have no choice," The paladin interrupted. "When we find Prince Ephraim, we will take you with us back to Frelia. Until then, I suggest you keep quiet and do as you're told."

* * *

Eirika and Seth ascended the stairs to Eirika's room together. "That was well done, Sir Seth. We must be careful with ANYONE from Grado."

Seth nodded. "Though I do feel somewhat bad for her. I truly doubt she is a spy, but we can't be too careful."

Eirika stopped at her door. "Well, good night then, Seth. We must continue in the morning."

The paladin paused, then bowed. "Of course, Princess."

* * *

"Oh, where is that Princess type lady?" The magistrate of Serafew bumped into Mathwin. "Oh, sorry. I just wanted to-"

Mathwin rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, skip the gratitude speech and just give me the present."

The magistrate blinked, shrugged, and gave Mathwin a small ring. "I hear this can-"

"I know what it is, gramps. It's a guiding ring which can promote a magic user. Thanks, now beat it!"

* * *

Joshua was walking through the night-darkened streets alone when someone ran up to him. His first instinct was to defend himself, until he saw who it was. He smiled. "Hello Neimi. Feeling alright? That was well done, saving the Princess from that Wyvern Rider."

Neimi blushed. "Oh, um, it was no problem. I'm sorry you did not get to use your new armorslayer against Saar though."

Joshua shrugged. "No biggie. There will be plenty of other morons in tin can suits to peel open. I'll get to use it later."

The two talked, walking through the night. Behind them, Colm glowered from his shadowy hiding place.

* * *

Cormag finally touched down, back where he had started next to his brother's unconscious form. The younger wyvern rider sighed, stooping down to pick Glen up. Then he grabbed the reins of his brother's wyvern and led it off.

Before going, he turned to glare at the city. "I'll get you another time, Eirika. No one makes a fool out of my brother!"


	10. Chapter Five X: Unbroken Heart

-1**Chapter 5 X: Unbroken Heart**

_Meanwhile, especially plot centric events were taking-_

* * *

We interrupt the usual italicized narration for a brief interruption by the Author! We promise that you won't miss all of the plot spoilers!

Author: Hiya to all my readers. I'd like to thank everyone who continues to read and review my story, and I'm sorry if by not doing this at some other point, people feel like I'm ignoring anyone. Honestly, this is the first time I've done anything on this site, so I'm still getting used to some things.

Anyway, thanks for the reviews and please continue to leave them. Also, for anyone unfamiliar with the game, this is the only side chapter that was actually in the game. The other two were there mostly to make Ephraim appear more often, since he's kind of neglected in the first eight chapters.

Anyway, that's the end of the interruption.

_

* * *

-and that's the entire story of the Sacred Stones! Now you know everything that will happen! So continue!_

_By the way, this is back to central Grado, where Ephraim is doing his thing._

* * *

"Lord Tirado! General Valter has arrived to meet with you!"

The pompous-looking noble sighed. "Wonderful, the great windbag is here. He'll want to take my throne and boss me around now… what a bother." Tirado rose from his throne, moving away from it.

With that, the Moonstone, riding his serpentine wyvern, burst into the hall, flew to the throne, and sat on it. Or rather, sat on his wyvern which sat on the throne. Tirado sighed. "You know, sir, you could get OFF your beast when you sit down."

Valter cackled. "I never dismount! Besides, you can just order a new throne off C-Bay!"

"Yes, but I don't like buying things from those damn thrifty Carcino people… Ah, never mind. What brings you here, General?"

"What else?" Valter giggled psychotically, "I heard that Ephraim is in the area, and I'm here to capture him!"

_As I feared, he's here to steal my glory… _"Well, he's proven to be quite elusive, staying hidden in the woodlands to the north."

"No need to explain your inadequacy. I'm here to fix all of this up. With me here, it'll take five minutes tops to capture the Princey!"

Tirado smiled, but was inwardly seething. "Of course, General. Sadly, I've only been provided with some inadequate mercenaries for my forces. Now that I have your much better forces at my disposal… General Valter, do I have your leave to command the soldiers you have brought me?"

Valter raised an eyebrow. "No… but you can give me your plan so that I can steal all the credit. What did you have in mind?"

Tirado frowned, but did not dare arguing. "It's simple, but it requires the use of my… little bird that happens to be following Ephraim around. I'll give the command, and Ephraim will be ours."

* * *

Forde approached Ephraim, who was leaning against a tree, twirling his new Reginleif. "Prince Ephraim, I've got bad news. Our supplies are running out, our weapons are at the breaking point, and the baddies are pushing us further and further into the forests. If we don't restock or get out of here, we're screwed."

Ephraim pursed his lips thoughtfully. "We can't visit a village. I don't want to embroil anyone else, like in Silva. And I would lead us out of this region if I could… but the Grado are pressing down on us."

Forde sighed. "The Silva thing wasn't that bad. And none of the villagers got hurt. Just… us. And some soldiers. Besides, if we buy some stuff and don't reveal who we are, the villagers won't be bothered at all."

Ephraim shook his head stubbornly. "No! No no no no no!"

Forde cursed, while Karson sneered at him from where she was sitting nearby. "We're also pressed for money. Maybe you want to donate your paintings to the cause?"

"NEVER!" Forde jumped for his saddlebag, clinging to it protectively.

Kyle rode over. "Prince Ephraim, Orson has not yet returned with his scouting report. I might point out that he has been becoming increasingly late with his reports. I begin to suspect him of treachery!"

Ephraim gawked at Kyle. "He'd never do that! I don't want to hear you say such a thing!"

Forde snickered at the green-haired cavalier. "Yeah, accusing Orson makes you look pretty suspicious."

Kyle paled. "M-me?! After all the work at making myself a suck up, someone would suspect me?! That's not fair at all! Why do I bother kissing ass?!"

Ephraim stood, waving his arms frantically. "Stop it everyone! No one is a traitor! Everyone is friends with everyone! Stop making all these accusations!"

Just then, the sickly paladin Orson rode in, looking rather concerned. "Prince Ephraim, I have discovered numerous Grado soldiers positioned around our camp. Also, a large battalion is on its way from Renvall."

Forde sighed. "Looks like we're in trouble now. What do we do, Prince Ephraim?"

Karson cleared her throat. "I am the tactician here! I'll decide this stuff! I say we pull back deeper into the woods, killing off any scouts we find. We have to keep hidden."

Ephraim shook his head. "Nope! We're going to go capture Renvall!"

Karson gagged. "WHAT?!"

Ephraim grinned. "It's genius! Name ONE flaw in my plan!"

"Here's one: We can't take over a fortress filled with soldiers with one moron with a lance, two idiot cavaliers, one paladin that isn't allowed to fight, a crazy little munchkin, and a genius tactician!" Karson screamed.

Ephraim waved his hand at her dismissively. "No worries. I don't pick fights I can't win."

Karson stamped her feet. "YES YOU DO! ALL THE TIME! AND THIS IS THE MOTHERLOAD!"

Ephraim waved airily at Karson, turning to march away. Forde and Kyle mounted to follow, Orson already beside the Prince. Myrrh ran to catch up, leaving Karson alone, still stamping her foot. "This is idiotic! What is wrong with you morons?!"

* * *

"This is really stupid."

Ephraim turned to glower at Karson. "Must you be so negative?"

Kyle raised his hand. Ephraim had his back turned and didn't notice. "I mean really, Karson. You drag the whole group's morale down to abysmal levels. Can't for once you just be nice?"

Kyle waved his hand frantically. Karson sighed, pointing at him over Ephraim's shoulder. The Prince turned, surprised, and indicated Kyle. The green-haired cavalier sighed with relief. "What's the plan, Prince?"

Forde rolled his eyes. "You were that desperate to ask THAT? Geez, that hardly counts as a whole question!"

Karson crossed her arms. "There is no plan, you nimrod! The idiot Prince wants to just charge in and get us all killed!"

"If that's the case," Myrrh interrupted, "I think I'm going to stay over here, hiding in the bushes. You guys have a good time!"

"I have a plan, of course! We're going to break through this entry, driving the enemy before us through the castle halls until we reach the throne. Once I capture it, the castle will be ours!" Ephraim grinned, his teeth sparkling heroically.

"That's my plan, painted rosy!" the tactician sighed, wondering if she could join Myrrh in hiding out the battle, but deciding that she at least owed Ephraim SOME loyalty.

Ephraim nodded to Orson. The paladin charged at the large, wooden doors, smashing through them. Ephraim and the two cavaliers prepared for horrendous battle…

Then realized that the hallway was deserted. "What gives?" Forde exclaimed.

Karson glanced around, smiling vaguely. "This works for me. No enemies means no resistance means no casualties! Not that we couldn't afford to lose some of you…"

Kyle shook his head stubbornly. "Wrong! We must slay, for dead enemies means experience and loot for us! Right, Prince Ephraim?"

"What? Are you kidding? I don't want to die horribly for the sake of loot!"

All present stared at him. Forde snickered. "Reverting to your Prince Sissy state?"

Ephraim flushed bright red. "Don't be absurd! I had a… fluke! A temporary fluke, brought on by extreme stress! I'm heroic now!" He demonstrated by laughing his obnoxiously deep laugh.

Forde rolled his eyes. Kyle cleared his throat. "I completely agree, Prince Ephraim! Unnecessary risk is not necessary!"

"Ass kiss," Forde muttered, while Ephraim started marching forward. As they did, Karson slipped off to make a stop in the treasure vault which was conveniently close to the entrance.

* * *

Meanwhile, the mercenary Zonta and his men were guarding the throne diligently.

"Got any sevens?"

"Bingo!"

"Um, Zonta? I thought we were playing go fish…"

"Really? I thought this was poker…"

The other mercenaries threw down their cards and walked away. Zonta grinned, gathering them up. "Hah! Touchdown, fools! I win again! Now who wants to play solitaire with me?"

Ephraim cleared his throat from the door to the throne room. The mercenaries looked over. Zonta cursed. "How did they bypass all of our defenses so easily?!"

"What defenses?" One of the mercenaries asked, "We left the door unlocked, for goodness sake…"

"It was unlocked?" Orson hit himself on the forehead, "I just broke down an unlocked door! That thing looked expensive! I knew I should have double-checked the doorknob…"

Karson stepped forward to glare down at Zonta. "We win, loser! Now you must surrender or die!"

Kyle raised his hand, looking annoyed. Ephraim rolled his eyes and pointed at Kyle without looking at him. "Why are we giving them a choice?! We're supposed to just kill them! This is breaking the rules of combat!"

Karson frowned at him. "In case you didn't notice, we just captured a huge fortress that we can't possibly defend with just three fighters. Therefore, we use these mercenaries to help us."

Zonta scowled. "We're people too, lady! We have feelings!"

"Ephraim, please tell the weapons I'm not speaking to them because I don't care that they are alive."

Ephraim turned to Zonta. "Karson says-"

"I heard!"

* * *

Valter, keeping his wyvern walking along the ground to stay with Tirado, was grinning evilly again. "I hope this plan of yours that I am going to steal the credit for has worked."

Tirado gave his controlled smile. "No need to worry, General. I knew Ephraim would be stupid enough to charge into my fortress while it was undefended. Now we have him cornered, and he has nowhere to run."

The large army of Grado, led by Tirado and Valter, arrived at the gates of Renvall. Tirado motioned his mercenary leader, Murray, forward to open the door. Murray rode up to the doors, which looked as though they had been knocked down and hastily reassembled, and tried to open it. Unfortunately, they didn't open.

Tirado raised an eyebrow. "What's taking so long?"

Murray swallowed nervously. "I uh… left my keys… inside…"

With a sigh, Tirado shrugged at Valter. "Can't get good help these days…"

"Tell me about it. I have to endure YOU, Tirado. I hope you have a back up plan."

Somewhat annoyed by Valter's comment, Tirado cleared his throat to speak. "In the event that Ephraim captures Renvall before we return and manages to fortify it in some way, I do indeed have a back up plan. It involves the swift, fiery destruction of the fortress by way of dynamite."

"Oo-hoo, sounds kinky!"

"I assure you, General Valter, it is not. Now, if you'll stop drooling like some carnage-obsessed psycho, I will proceed with the back up plan"

* * *

"Zonta!" Karson shouted in the mercenary's ear, making him wake up from where he was standing asleep, "I need you to tell me about any booby traps that the Grado left in this fortress."

Zonta giggled. "Booby traps…" Ephraim heard, and started to giggle as well.

Karson scowled. "Oh grow up. Now really, is there anything we should be particularly worried about?'

Zonta tapped his chin, then seemed to have an epiphany. "Lord Tirado planed a huge stack of dynamite right under this room! He said that if he had to, he was going to use it as a back up plan to blow up everyone in here!"

Ephraim paled. "Couldn't you have told us about that earlier?"

Zonta paused to think again. "That might have been a good idea, now that you mention it."

Karson looked around frantically. "We have to get out of here! Where are the others?"

"The other mercenaries escaped while you guys weren't looking. Now that I think about it, I should have gone with them…" Zonta shrugged.

Kyle rode in. "I'm here! What did you need me for?"

Zonta grinned stupidly at him. "Oh, the fortress is about to blow to smithereens."

"Oh good."

Ephraim ran over to Kyle. "Where are Orson and Forde?"

"I don't know, my Prince!"

Karson headed for the door out of the throne room. "We don't have time! We have to escape!"

Ephraim reached over to drag Zonta after them, and the small group ran to find a way out.

* * *

Tirado stood over a small red box with a red push-lever on it. Valter was examining the object. "What is this thing?"

"I don't really know, General. It shouldn't make sense. There's no fuse between the box and the dynamite. Even if there was, I don't see why the fuse would light. I suppose it is simply an unsolved mystery."

Valter grinned. "Well blow up the building anyway!"

Tirado pushed down the lever. Immediately, a huge explosion shattered the inner part of Renvall, expanding and tearing down the outer walls. Valter cackled gleefully, while Tirado sidestepped a bit further from him.

"Too bad about your castle, Tirado. I bet that'll be expensive to rebuild."

"Oh not at all. I have spontaneous explosion insurance. You and I are the only ones who know that the explosion was caused by me, and you're certifiably insane and thus no good as witness."

"Oh ho, clever Tirado. Now, I just need to find Ephraim's body and get the bracelet off him."

With that, Valter flew off. Tirado surveyed the wreckage, smiling. "The plan went a bit awry, but I think it will all work out. We must now spread rumors of Ephraim being my captive, to lure Eirika here. Understand?"

The traitor nodded, and turned to ride away.


	11. Chapter Six: Victims of War

-1**Chapter Six: Victims of War**

_After passing through Serafew and thus exposing themselves to the entire empire, Eirika's party tries to mend their ridiculous error by passing through the sparsely populated Adlas Plains._

_But it is already too late. Certain villainous types happen to be watching them, and keeping track of their progress._

* * *

A cloaked man, his cowl hiding all but his craggy lower face, turned to peer through the fog at the person approaching. It was a person leaned over and hobbling. Once he was close enough, it was obvious that it was Riev, the Blood Beryl of Grado.

The old man smiled at the cloaked man, though his smile looked rather like a crooked sneer on his face. "Nicholas, is she almost here?"

The cloaked man nodded. "My men have kept track of her since she left Serafew. Princess Eirika will be here shortly. My men lay in wait all around, prepared for the ambush. And this fog could not have come at a better time!"

Riev rolled his eyes. "WE made the fog, you imbecile. Remember, the fog spell? Honestly, Nicholas, you have such a bad memory."

"It's… Novala."

"Right, that's what I meant. Anyway, make sure to capture her without fail. I do not want the Lunar Brace to fall into the hands of that wretch Valter or that drunkard Glen. An item of such vital importance must go directly to the Master's hand. Understood?"

"Of course," Novala said, grinning, "I have a plan that cannot fail. I have something that will reduce that fool Eirika to tears of sorrow!"

Riev sniffed. "As you say. Now then, I have things I must see to."

"You- you won't stay and watch?"

"Pah! Why would I? I have much better things to do than sit around. This sort of menial work is what we have brainless servants like you for, Norman. Now then, I need to oversee the slow and very enjoyable poisoning of Rausten." With that, the old man tapped his staff, and disappeared in a flash of yellow runes.

As soon as he was gone, Novala started jumping up and down, screaming furious imprecations. "Novala! NO-VA-LA! It's not that hard to remember, you senile old idiot! And when I capture her, I'm handing her over to the Master myself, you coot! So there!"

Novala realized that the two shaman who had been with Riev had remained and were staring at him. Novala cleared his throat, adjusting his collar nervously. "I was… kidding…"

* * *

Joshua stretched his hands over his head, glancing over to Neimi. "I have to say, all of this meaningless traveling gets old. Is this what you do all the time?"

The archer scratched the back of her neck. "Well, we have to get places, and walking is kind of the only way to do that… it's better than constant battles at least…"

"I don't know about that," Joshua said, glancing around at the thick fog.

Franz was scowling unhappily, glaring sullenly at Mathwin. "How much longer do I have to carry Moulder on my horse? He smells like alcohol and I think the smell is going to stick to my horse and then everyone will think I'm riding a drunken horse for the rest of my life…"

Mathwin held up his hand and rubbed his index finger and thumb together. Franz blinked. "What are you doing?"

"Playing the world's smallest violin. You can push him off when he wakes up." Franz huffed, sticking his nose in the air and looking away.

Eirika was, as usual, at the head of the group, with Seth hanging behind her. Suddenly, a figure appeared out of the fog, a cloaked man with several soldiers standing behind him. His cloak was black, but the soldiers wore pure white armor. The Princess stopped in surprise at the sight of them, and Seth held up a hand to tell the others to stop as well.

"Princess Eirika," Novala (like you didn't know it was him…) said, grinning nastily, "You've arrived at last. Hand over your bracelet and I shall let you live!"

"Okay, here you go."

Novala blinked (though you can't tell because of the hood) and gaped. "But… that's it? You're just going to hand it over? No resistance, just 'okay'? I had this whole plan thought out, and now I don't get to use it!"

"Do you want my bracelet or not?"

Novala snatched it from her hand before Seth could stop him, then pointed at her again. "Now drop all your weapons!"

Eirika held out her rapier and dropped it. Seth threw his hands up in the air. "Stop giving him everything he wants!"

Novala grinned. "Now drop all your clothes!"

Seth howled in fury, but then noticed that Eirika was not complying. The Princess frowned. "Now you're asking too much of me. I don't undress for ugly, useless, brainless commoners."

Novala flinched, but sneered. "Not going to surrender, eh? Why do you want to live, anyway? Haven't you heard that Prince Ephraim is dead?"

Eirika gasped. "No- no! It can't be! A pitiful little worm like you couldn't defeat my brother! Ephraim would smash your ugly little face in with his lance, smack your weak little mage body around, and then laugh at your pitiful little corpse!"

Novala grimaced. "Why does everyone insult me? It gets old, ya know!"

"Like I care about your feelings! Now, you moron that thinks you could beat Ephraim-"

"I didn't say that I beat him! I was just saying that he was dead… Anyway, if you're not going to cooperate, I suppose I will have to resort to drastic measures. Bring out the whelp."

One of the soldiers shoved forward a small girl with pigtails, who was crying. "He-help me…"

Eirika looked at the child coldly. "So?"

Novala blinked (again, invisibly) and the child sobbed. "You don't care? Even if I were to kill this child, you would not flinch? Would not try to stop me? How can you be so…"

"Princess Eirika," Seth pointed out sardonically, "is decidedly lacking in compassion."

Novala scowled. "Bah, it doesn't matter. If you don't care, I might as well kill the whelp now," Novala reached over to her, then paused. A gleeful smile crossed his face, "Ho ho, I've just had a delicious idea… Why don't we feed this cutie to the monstrous spiders wandering around here?"

Eirika paled. "Why don't you just kill her now, save yourself the time of waiting. Besides, we could presumably save her from such a fate."

Novala chuckled. "You would wish!" He waved his hand, and the girl disappeared in a flash of sparks.

"You… why? Why kill her at all, if she is useless as a hostage? You may as well release her…"

"I have anger issues. It probably has to do with being insulted by everyone I meet." With that, Novala teleported away with the two soldiers."

Eirika turned, to see everyone in the group glaring at her. "What?" The princess asked.

"You… you witch!" Ross shouted, "How could you let him take that little girl off to die?!"

"This," Garcia said, shaking his head, "is why I don't work for you heartless nobles."

"This is rather like when Arthas slaughtered all the people in that one city in order to prevent them from rising as Undead and serving the Lich King in ravaging all the peoples of Lordaeron. Except this is one little girl who is not in danger of forced revival, and you're a rude, heartless princess rather than a psychotic, vengeance-obsessed prince." Artur shook his head at Lute, who didn't notice.

Eirika turned away. "You people thought I was serious? I'm not that cruel… I had to put on a show. If that one had known that I cared about the girl's life, he could have used her against us. Now instead, he's made the usual villain mistake of putting her in an imminent death trap that we'll stop just in the nick of time."

Moulder frowned. "Why should we believe that?"

Seth glanced around at them, then cleared his throat. "Let's just move. The enemy is probably lying in wait all around us, and that child is now in terrible danger. We must hurry to save her!"

The group collectively frowned, but then started moving forward. Mathwin (who had mostly stayed out of the whole thing) grumbled about being ignored as far as strategy went, and instead followed passively.

* * *

Novala teleported the girl to a small clearing in the mountains, where a man and a woman were chained to a tree. He shoved the girl to the ground and trapped her in manacles. "Now," the shaman said, grinning, "When you want to curse someone, I suggest you curse your uncaring ruler, Princess Eirika!"

"That's absurd!" The man shouted, shaking his free fist at Novala, "We going to curse you, you no-good ugly bastard!"

The woman sneered at him. "You weakling, mage-type moron!"

"You big dumbie!" The girl shouted, before kicking him in the shin.

Novala jumped away on one leg, "What is this, bash Novala day? Doesn't anyone care about MY feelings?!"

All three glared at him. "You chained us to a tree to use as monster food!" The man shouted.

The shaman turned away to consider. "True… but still, cut me some slack! My job sucks, no one appreciates me, and I am a generally disliked person! SOMEONE have some pity on me!"

With that, Novala teleported away. Or would have, if for some reason his warping magic hadn't stopped working. "Dangit! I forgot to buy more warping powder! I'm spider chow!"

* * *

Mathwin worked his jaw, glaring at their surroundings. "All this fog… it's going to be so hard getting around here…" He glanced over to notice Gilliam trying to light a torch. The tactician yelped and snatched the piece of wood from the knight's hands. "You're going to waste it!"

Gilliam scowled. "Thanks for making me feel important."

"Oh please, I know ALL about being underappreciated," Mathwin looked around until he spotted Colm. He ran over to the thief and shoved the torch into his hands. "You've got the best eyesight, so you use the torch to find the bad guys!"

Colm, who had been interrupted from glaring at Joshua talking to Neimi, blinked at Mathwin. "Um… actually, I'm kind of… nearsighted. I hate wearing my glasses though…"

Mathwin sighed, tearing the torch back and stomping away. Colm snickered, turning his back on the tactician. "Sucker!"

"Colm, dude, just because you turn away doesn't mean I can't hear you!"

"Crap! But I don't want to carry freaking torches around… I need my pockets empty for stolen stuff!"

Mathwin rolled his eyes, then pointed forward. "When you light the torch, make sure there is a LOT of fog around you, so you don't waste the torch. We only have a few. Anyway, people stick togeth- aw crud."

Colm, Mathwin, and Gilliam were completely alone, surrounded by blanketing fog.

* * *

_Where did they all go? All this stupid fog makes it impossible to see anything! What good is flying if my bird's eye view is of fog!?_

Suddenly, Vanessa's steed ground to a halt. Standing before them were three shaman, all leering at her while charging their magic.

_Crap._

All three blasted her with dark magic. After the zap of darkness, Vanessa on her steed was still standing there, completely unhurt. Vanessa examined herself in complete shock. _Oh yeah, that Pure Water I poured all over myself five chapters back! I guess it has permanently made my resistance impermeable!_

Vanessa charged at the very upset looking shaman, who all turned to run.

* * *

"So the other guy says 'Don't be absurd. My wife bought that turnip!" Ross laughed hysterically, doubling over and clutching his stomach.

Lute shook her head. "That joke was too long, not at all amusing, and completely inappropriate. Furthermore, it made no sense. Why did the man not simply EAT the cabbage?"

Artur was rubbing his arms, looking around nervously. "Ross, now those dancing monkeys are going to haunt my dreams!"

Ross was still laughing, until Garcia cleared his throat threateningly. Ross coughed, standing up straight. He tried to suppress a few giggles that leaked out anyway, but mostly failed.

Lute looked around, chewing her lower lip. Artur noticed, and made a worried expression. "What's wrong?"

"I was simply wondering where the others have gotten to."

Artur pointed to the left. "There they are. See, that one is Gilliam, and that one is Eirika. I think… say, did Eirika have a hood? Oh, and, um, that guy with the axe must be Garcia or Ross!"

Garcia frowned. "I'm right here, and so is my son." Ross waved.

Artur's eyes widened fearfully, and he halted. "Then… who is…"

Suddenly, enemies rushed out of the fog. Artur slapped a hand to his forehead. "Oh, so that's NOT Gilliam… Agh, watch out!"

Lute, in a surprising show of acrobatics, rolled out of the way and blasted the axeman with a bolt of fire. Artur and the shaman traded blasts of magic, while Garcia and Ross ran in circles around the knight, who, in his heavy armor, could not keep up with them. However, Ross was clumsy due to his new, absurdly huge muscles, and tripped. The knight crowed in triumph, but soon found that he was moving even slower when a bolt of ice struck him.

Artur, who had managed to defeat the shaman, turned to Lute. "Ice? There are no ice spells! Except for Fimbulvetr, and you can't possibly have that, and that wasn't Fimbulvetr anyway!"

Lute rolled her eyes. "Of course not. That was Frostbolt, a very low level ice spell that slows down enemies. And since these knights are slow, he is now practically not moving."

Garcia was easily able to finish off the knight, while Ross managed to pick himself up. "Geez, these bulging biceps are heavy…"

Artur was spinning around in terror. "We're all alone! We've lost everyone! We're going to die!"

* * *

Moulder, who was suffering from a hangover, and Natasha, who was pouting angrily at being forced to come back into Grado, were walking side by side.

Suddenly, the mustached priest exclaimed "We're doomed!"

Natasha blinked at him. "Why?"

"We're all alone, both of us low level healers completely incapable of any combat!"

Natasha blinked, then her eyes widened. "Oh my goodness, you're right! What do we do?"

Moulder grinned feverishly. "The only thing we can do! Steal that Guiding Ring from Mathwin and use it to turn one of us into a magic-user!"

"B-but neither of us are even CLOSE to level twenty! We'd be wasting ten levels of experience! And neither of us are level ten anyway, so we can't upgrade! And we don't know where Mathwin or the Ring are, so we can't steal it! And if we were with Mathwin and the others, we wouldn't have this problem in the first place!"

Moulder blinked. Then he slumped forward and scowled. "You just had to ruin that great plan, didn't you? Now I'll never have a good reason to promote."

Natasha shrugged apologetically, then started to tug at her blonde hair. "But we are still in terrible danger. We can heal each other, but we can't actually fight to defend ourselves… Oh Moulder, what do we do?"

"It's Moustache! I mean, Moulder. I mean- never mind. I don't know what to do! Must I make all the decisions? Geez, lady!"

Suddenly, a cavalier charged at them, shouting something about an easy kill. Natasha screamed and fell to her hands and knees to attempt to duck. Moulder shouted something incomprehensible (the world "rum" was in there somewhere) and threw his staff at the rider. It hit the man on his head, and he fell off, while his horse kept charging past the priest.

Natasha stood up, staring at the fallen cavalier. Moulder has crossed his arms and was smiling triumphantly. "How's that for an old-"

"Oh dear! That's Franz! Moulder, you fool!" Natasha rushed toward Franz, leaving Moulder standing there.

"Fool? Me? He's the one who was trying to kill us…"

Natasha used her staff to heal Franz, who looked up at her. "Are you alright?" The cleric asked, concerned, "You took quite a lump from that idiot priest's staff."

Franz blinked hazily, nodding, "That's okay. I know Father Moustache is a drunkard and so cannot be held accountable for his actions."

"Moulder! My name is Moulder! And you were the one charging at us! What was I supposed to do, let you kill me?"

Natasha glared at Moulder, while Franz reassured her that he was just a silly old drunkard. Moulder grumbled, picked up his staff, and stood a few feet away with his back turned to them.

* * *

Eirika and Seth were alone. Unless, of course, you counted Joshua and Neimi, who were right beside them but utterly ignoring them. The Princess and the Paladin were not speaking, though Seth was musing over the use of the aforementioned alliteration as the name of a fairy tale.

"So anyway, then the other guy says, 'Don't be ridiculous, my girlfriend-on-the-side stole this onion'!"

Neimi blinked. "That sounds like a joke Colm told me, only it was different the way he told it…"

Joshua arched an eyebrow. "Different?"

"Well, it had a lot more inappropriate content, and I don't think there were any onions…"

The myrmidon waved his hand dismissively. "I prefer clean humor, thanks."

The two continued to make idle banter, while Eirika and Seth walked in an awkward silence. Seth considered speaking, but didn't want any conversation to be… misconstrued. _What am I talking- I mean, thinking- about? I mean, why would anyone think that just because I'm talking to Eirika, right after those two people are talking like that… doesn't mean that the Princess and I… aw crap. I'm screwed_

Eirika spared Seth the need to worry about speaking. "Seth, where are the others? And where are all the enemies? I am beginning to grow bored with wandering around aimlessly in this blinding fog. Find the enemies now, Seth."

The paladin scowled. "But… oh fine." He rode ahead, looking around for anything moving in the fog.

He soon found a group of generic soldier type men wandering around aimlessly, muttering. "This stinks. We forgot to bring torches, and now we can't even find the enemy!"

Seth smiled and cleared his throat. The two generic people turned. "General Seth? Hello General, what's- Whoa, wait, it's meeeeeeeeeee!"

Seth laughed maniacally as he stabbed at the speaker with his lance, missing when he fell to the ground. The other person started whacking Seth on the head with a staff. Seth swatted at the attacker, only to see who it was. "Um… Natasha…"

Franz stood up, brushing himself off. "General Seth, why did you do that?"

Seth looked around nervously. "I, uh… thought you were…"

"Don't worry about it," Moulder said, revealing himself from the fog behind the trio, "Franz did the same thing, and when I tried to defend myself…"

Seth, however, ignored Moulder like he usually did, which made the priest rather annoyed. "Natasha, Princess Eirika, and those two people whose names I don't care enough about to remember are over there."

Natasha looked around, "Where?"

"Right over… um, right… over… well, this is a problem."

* * *

Novala ran in circles around the three people chained to a tree, yelling in desperation for someone to rescue him. He ran too close once, and one of the prisoners stuck out her foot to trip him. The shaman scowled at her, before standing up to start running around and yelling again.

Novala ran to the edge of the clearing, standing above the abyss. "What do I do? I can't die here! I must escape and take this bracelet to the Master and thus become the greatest Dark Mage in history so I can show off to that freak Riev! I can't end up as the chow of some overgrown insect!"

Just then, Vanessa happened to fly up, completely lost. _Hey, it's those prisoners. I bet if I rescue them, they'll fork over some sort of reward. But then again, I might end up alone against some powerful enemy. Oh, and that wuss shaman._

Novala shrieked in terror when he saw her. "A Pegasus Knight! They have high resistances! I'm screwed!"

"Actually," the male prisoner pointed out, "Pegasi are only resistant if they were created by magic. The Pegasi of Frelia are all made in factories, so Frelian Pegasus Knights are actually not very good against magic users."

Vanessa glared at the prisoner. _Gee, thanks for taking away my advantage. But wait, the Pure Water DID make me immune to magic. I'm invincible!_

The Pegasus Knight charged at Novala, who blasted dark magic at her. It struck Vanessa, propelling her back over the cliff. _Crap! The Pure Water must have worn off!_

Novala laughed triumphantly as she plummeted out of sight. "No one can defeat me! I, Novala, shall be the greatest Dark Mage in history! Nothing can defeat me!"

Suddenly, he felt hot breath on his back. He turned to see a giant spider. With a squeal of terror, Novala followed Vanessa over the cliff.

The spider turned to start toward the prisoners. The girl started to scream until her father reassured her. "Don't worry, kiddo. The mountains make the spiders move only one space every turn."

"B-but," the girl stammered through tears, "this parody ignores turn-based combat…"

The father blinked. The mother sighed. "Will you two stop passing the fourth wall? The meta-reference in this is getting absurd, and minor characters like us shouldn't be doing it!"

* * *

Meanwhile, the enemy soldiers (as in, the enemies of the good guys, not the enemies of Grado, since all the moral ambiguities make it hard to say who the real enemy is) were standing around at their assigned positions, waiting for a hapless enemy (as in, their enemies, Eirika's buddies) to come in range so they could attack. Unfortunately, the good guys (Eirika's people, not the Grado. Explaining these moral ambiguities is a pain…) were so thoroughly lost that they did not find any enemies (as in, the Grado, but in this case possibly the Renais as well).

By the time you finished reading that nearly indecipherable paragraph, however, Eirika, Joshua, and Neimi happened to find Vanessa, lying unconscious on the ground at the foot of the mountain range.

Eirika shook her head at the wounded pegasus knight, until she too was knocked out by a certain shaman landing on her. Novala sat up, looking around. "What luck! Something squishy broke my fall!"

Eirika cleared her throat, causing Novala to bolt upright. "Oh, the Princess. Sor- I mean, bwah hah hah! All part of my master plan to defeat you imbeciles! I have taken out your leader!"

Joshua smirked. "Like I need some bossy snob telling me to fight. C'mere, I'm going to kill you now."

Novala yelped, jumping behind a tree while Joshua ran at him, swinging his sword and accidentally stepping on Eirika's hand as he stepped over her. Neimi tried to follow what they were doing without actually following.

Then Vanessa woke up, looking around. _Ow… where am I? How did I- Oh yeah, I was blasted over a cliff. That hurt- oh wait! Those people need help!_

Then Garcia, Ross, Artur, and Lute showed up. Artur ran over to Vanessa to try to help her, but the Knight brushed him off and mounted her pegasus. She turned to Garcia. "Hey! Uh, mind helping me?"

Garcia blinked, then nodded and ran over, mounting the pegasus so the two could fly up to where the civilians were trapped.

Novala ran through the group, still screaming, with Joshua, still chasing. Joshua stepped on Eirika's other hand. Artur glanced over at Eirika. "Is the Princess unconscious?"

"No," Eirika answered, her voice edged with annoyance, "I'm waiting for someone to help me up." Artur ran over to help her, and as soon as she was standing, Eirika 'accidentally' knocked Artur onto the ground.

Novala ran through again, with the myrmidon still chasing. Joshua managed to step on Eirika's foot. The Princess ground her teeth angrily. "How can he accidentally step on me so many times?"

Artur struggled to his feet. "I think that Master Joshua stepping on you is about as accidental as you knocking me over a moment ago."

Eirika spun around in an over-exaggerated way that caused her to slap her hair across Artur's face and knock him down. "That's absurd."

Seth, Franz, Natasha, and Moulder finally showed up, after apparently having the same epiphany as everyone else that led them to that exact spot. Franz waved. "Have you defeated the foe yet?"

Ross shook his head. "I don't even know where the foe isn't. Or what the word 'foe' means."

Novala ran through the group again, followed by Joshua. Moulder blinked. "That's that fellow who stole the bracelet… did it not occur to anyone that they should try to stop him?"

Eirika stuck her foot out, trying to trip Joshua. The myrmidon easily stepped around her and continued following the shaman. Moulder sighed.

Seth looked around at the group. "So… everyone is just standing here, while that red-haired fellow with the sword follows the villain?"

"Pretty much," Artur said, standing up again.

Novala ran by, and was once again ignored, while Eirika tried (and again failed) to trip Joshua. Moulder threw his hands in the air and threw his staff at Novala. It missed. Natasha clucked her tongue at the priest. "Of course. You can hit our allies, but you miss the enemy. What good are you?"

Moulder sighed, shaking his head.

Lute cleared her throat. "I-"

"No!" Seth shouted, interrupting her, "We don't want to hear another of your incomprehensible speeches!"

Lute stared at him. " I was merely-"

"Not another word! For the last time, I can't heal, shield myself, or wield a sword and shield at the same time! It just doesn't work like that!"

Lute shrugged, turning away.

Novala started to run by again, but fell to the ground. Artur smiled at Eirika. "You finally tripped the right person this time?"

Eirika shook her head. "He fell on his own."

Natasha approached, examining the fallen shaman. "Looks like he collapsed from exhaustion. Good work Joshua."

The myrmidon sheathed his sword and adjusted his hat. "No problem."

Seth looked around. "So where is everyone else? Gilliam, Vanessa, Colm, Garcia, and Mathwin?"

Artur yelped. "I forgot! Vanessa and Garcia flew up to save those villagers! They might need our help!"

"Oh please," Eirika said, sniffing snobbishly, "Why should we bother? I'm sure the villagers are fine."

Just then, Vanessa flew down with Garcia and a man and woman. Moulder furrowed his brow when he saw them, and Natasha sucked in her breath. Neimi glanced at them, then raised the obvious question. "Wasn't… wasn't there a girl, too?"

Vanessa looked away. Garcia looked down. The woman sobbed. The man glared at Eirika. The Princess stared back, her face turning pale.

"You… you worthless witch! You spent so long doing nothing that my daughter…"

Seth rode between them, glaring at the man. "Hold your tongue, peasant!"

"Seth," The paladin turned to the Princess, "Move. I don't need protection."

Reluctantly, Seth moved out of the way. But it didn't matter by then, as the man had broken down into tears with his wife.

* * *

A while later, Seth rode over to Eirika where she sat on a rock, alone. He stayed a safe distance from her when he spoke. "The two people refused an escort and went back to Renais on foot, alone. They… did leave a gift. This thing they called an Orion's Bolt. I don't know what it's for, but I assume Mathwin will."

Eirika nodded. "Thank you, Seth."

Seth rode a bit closer. "What will we do, Princess? If you're brother truly is dead, then there seems to be no real point to going on. Perhaps we should-"

"No," Eirika stood, her expression firm and grim, "We go to Renvall. If my brother lives, I expect he will be there. And if he is dead… then I will personally shish-kebab the man that slew him."

Seth frowned, but nodded. "As you wish… I will remain at your side, as per your father's commands."

Eirika seemed upset, but it quickly passed. "I will also fight… for the people of Renais. They have suffered, and I have ignored it. They deserve… some vengeance as well. And I will deal it out personally."

* * *

Around then, Mathwin, Colm, and Gilliam finally arrived at the site where the group was gathered. Mathwin ran forward. "Did we win?"

Moulder nodded glumly. Mathwin sighed. "I didn't get to do anything! Colm wasted all of our torches in the opposite direction, and Gilliam slowed us to a snail's pace! So what did you do with the leader?"

"We took the bracelet back," Franz said, "And then we, um… hey, where is that guy?"

* * *

Novala ran aimlessly through the fog, giggling. "I am so clever! They may have beaten me this time, but next time, Novala, true master of darkness, will emerge victorious! Bwah hah ha- uh oh…"

Novala backed away from the spider that had descended the mountain. "G-good spider… nice spider- YOW! EEEEEEEK!"


	12. Chapter Seven: Waterside Renvall

-1**Chapter Seven: Waterside Renvall**

_Fearing the worst, Eirika's party continue on their path through Grado, heading for the fortress of Renvall, a castle protected by surrounding lakes and its lone entrance. According to the shaman that tried to kill her, Ephraim is already dead, at the hands of Lord Tirado of Renvall. Eirika fears that he is correct._

_Though they have no real chance of success, though all of Grado will soon be upon them, Eirika's army charges toward Renvall._

* * *

Tirado stepped out of his carriage to meet Murray, the mercenary cavalier guarding the gates of the fortress. Murray smiled at his employer. "Any news?"

"Indeed. Princess Eirika is on her way. I'll have her very soon. Valter never managed to find Ephraim or his bracelet, meaning it's probably dust by now. Once Emperor Vigarde receives Eirika's bracelet, he will realize that I am of more use, and Valter will be punished for losing Ephraim," Tirado smiled, "All perfectly according to plan. In fact, the unfortunate turn of events caused by Ephraim may have improved the situation."

Murray smiled nervously. "So… the whole forgetting the keys inside… is forgiven?"

Tirado patted him on the shoulder reassuringly. "Of course Murray. In fact, I'm promoting you. Your leader, Zonta, after all, is missing, probably dead."

Murray beamed. "I get to be your mercenary general?"

"Even better," Tirado stepped around him to open the door, "You get to guard the gates and wait for Eirika." He slammed the door shut behind him.

Murray blinked, jiggling the doorknob. "Lord Tirado? LORD TIRADO?! Lord Tirado, have mercy! Lemme in! PLEASE?"

Safe inside, Tirado looked around, scowling. "Not nearly as simple to navigate as the old fortress, but I suppose it serves better for keeping enemies from reaching the throne quickly."

He turned to an inexplicably shadowy corner, where some one was waiting. "Why are you three in there? And more importantly, what are you doing? I probably don't want to know."

The three came out, two blushing fiercely. "We weren't doing anything! There aren't many shady corners, and it got kinda… crowded…"

The one who didn't seem to care was a sniper with a large bow glinting darkly. Tirado smiled at him. "Danen, there you are. Watch: I am now going to see to it that I replace that imbecile Valter in the Emperor's eyes. I will single-handedly capture Eirika and her Lunar Brace. All my plans have come to fruition at last."

The sniper said nothing, but the other shuffled uncomfortably. Tirado looked up. "You know what you are to do. Wait here, in case Eirika manages to make it inside. And knowing that incompetent Murray, she very well could. Oh, if only I had some mercenaries that could actually do anything…"

* * *

"There's Renvall. You see it, Princess? It's surrounded by lakes, and has only one entrance. It's easy to defend, difficult to assault."

"Obviously," Gilliam muttered.

"For once," Eirika said, "I agree with Gilliam. Really Seth, we have eyes."

Seth threw his hands in the air. "I try to fulfill my role of advisor to the main character, and I get bashed for it. I feel so unappreciated with you people."

Mathwin shoved him aside. "As tactician, I think I should be the advisor. So shaddup, sub-par paladin. Anyway, strategizing is going to be hard here. I say we just rush forward, following the rather obvious path laid down by the valley, charge up the bridge, and kill the loser guarding the gate."

Moulder shook his head. "Seems rather too easy. In fact, there don't seem to be many soldiers in the field. The bridge is woefully undermanned. Something's up…"

"They have ballistae." Natasha jumped, and everyone nearby (which was pretty much everyone in general) turned to see someone emerge from the bushes. It was a little girl with indigo hair in two braids and a red dress.

Eirika examined her. "And who are you, you scruffy little munchkin?"

The girl's face twisted up in rage, causing Ross to jump into Vanessa's arms, causing both to topple over. "MUNCHKIN?! SCRUFFY?! LITTLE?! I'm gonna tear your head off lady! No one speaks to Lady Myrrh like that!"

The little girl jumped at Eirika, hands extended to strangle her. Eirika stood there, transfixed in condescending interest, until Seth rolled his eyes and kicked the Princess over. Myrrh flew past the spot she had been standing, and zoomed over the edge of the cliff and into the lake below.

Moulder shook his head. "That was weird."

"Very," Eirika agreed, then looked up, squinting, "Colm, see any ballistae?"

The thief poked at his own head. "Near-sighted. Sorry."

Mathwin guffawed. "Don't let him try to pull that crap with you! He's lying!"

Colm sighed, then squinted toward the distance. "Yeah, I see a ballista. Ooh, and a I spy a big shiny jewel in that one guy's pack!"

Mathwin threw his hands in the air. "We're doomed! Ballistae! Screwed is what we have become! We are doomed to be shot from massive distances!"

Joshua waved his hand dismissively. "Please, we can just run up to the archer guy and knock him upside the head."

"Are you volunteering?"

"Um…"

"Great, mermaid man and the archer chick can go take care of that ballista. Problem solved." But the tactician still looked unhappy.

Joshua scowled, "Mermaid man? It's MYRMIDON! Where do you get mermaid?" But he then smiled at Neimi. "At least I have you, my lovely damsel, to keep me company."

Neimi blushed, while Colm fumed with rage. Mathwin remained oblivious.

Eirika tapped her lip thoughtfully. "I'm not sure we can do this…"

Franz rode forward. "No need to fear, Princess! I am here beside you, I, Franz, cultured knight of Renais! I will slay any enemy that stands between me and my duty to the throne! Also, my brother Forde must have fallen to the hands of these fiends. I will not let that go unavenged!"

Gilliam sighed. "I have to do what King Hayden told me and help you. Sucks to be me, of course. Obviously. Damn, I said it to myself."

"At you command." _I can't believe I'm going to die fighting for some stupid noble from another country who is stupid enough to think that thirteen soldiers and one idiot tactician are going to be able to breach the defenses of one of the strongest castles in Grado and live! I hate you for this, Hayden! HATE YOU!_

Moulder sighed. "Same reason as Gilliam, I suppose. Also, I feel I would be breaking my priestly vows if I did not at least occasionally heal someone to keep them alive. Not something I want to do but… you know…"

Ross flexed, grinning insanely. "See these muss-culls? I'm a gonna slaughter me some bad guys! ARRRRRR I say! I'm a pirate!"

Garcia backed a step away from his son. "Uh… calm… down… Oh who am I kidding. Let's kill some Grado!"

Garcia's wife started beating him over the head with a rolling pin. "Stop giving our son the wrong ideas! I don't want TWO bloodthirsty thugs in my house!"

Colm glared at Joshua. "Hmph, I'll steal stuff or something like that," he turned his back on the group, then hissed "and at the same time, sabotage the budding romance between Neimi and Joshua!"

"Colm…" Neimi said meekly, "We can hear you. All you did was turn away."

Artur cleared his throat, then started shouting "I'm helping Renais, and thusbyproxyallofRaustenisnowsidingwiththem! Gee, I hope Pope Mansel isn't much for reading the fine print…"

Lute sighed. "I still don't think we should be siding with Renais. Strategically, it makes no sense. But either way, I would like to be at the head, preferably behind someone with some high defense. I need plenty of experience to reach level sixty soon."

Joshua sighed. "Yeah yeah, just skip me. I don't feel like saying anything corny and uplifting. I'm a mercenary: I don't say positive stuff. Just isn't my thing."

"Well…" Natasha said, "I suppose this won't be particularly fun for me. I'd rather not fight my own countrymen. Thus, the advantage of being a cleric, and so incapable of actually hurting others."

Seth opened his mouth to speak, but Mathwin shoved him away. "No more time, we'll have to skip your corny speech." Seth harrumphed.

Eirika nodded, then turned. "Let's go, before I get so bored that I can't even walk."

* * *

"LORD TIRADO! PLEASE!"

Murray pounded futilely on the door, when some mercenaries ran over to him. "Sir! The enemies are mobilizing!"

"What? Aw crud, I've never actually been in combat before! I'm screwed!"

"Uh, what do we do? We have the ballista near them…"

Murray waved his hand dismissively. "Have the archer there run at them. Ballistae are so crappy."

The mercenary stared incredulously at him, but shrugged and ran off to deliver the order.

* * *

Joshua and Neimi crashed through the foliage toward where the ballista was supposed to be. Neimi sighed. "I hope they aren't expecting us…"

"Oh don't worry. How could they? We're the very image of stealth."

Not far behind, Colm was sneaking behind, chuckling. "Stealth… yeah right. People in Rausten can hear you!" He stepped on a large, fallen branch, which broke with an echoing snap, though Colm didn't notice.

* * *

Pope Mansel was beating on his ceiling with a broom again. "What is it with you idiots?! SHUT UP!"

* * *

Colm was still chuckling when he was suddenly attacked by a hidden archer, the arrow flying seemingly from nowhere. He managed to dodge, and accidentally rolled far enough to hit Neimi in the leg. Neimi tripped, and Joshua reacted by swinging around in an arc with his sword. Colm hadn't stopped rolling and knocked Joshua off balance, causing the myrmidon to let go of his sword, which flew into the bushes. A moment later, an archer fell out, the sword though his chest.

Joshua blinked, then grinned. "That's what I call swordsmanship."

Neimi giggled. "You're so great, Joshua!"

Colm (who had of course rolled into the bushes and out of sight) groaned. "I never get any credit!"

Neimi ran the rest of the way through the forest, and cheered when she found the ballista. "Now… how do we do this?"

Joshua tapped his chin thoughtfully. "I would assume you load in an arrow and fire it."

"Well… duh. I mean, how do I load it? And how do I fire it? And how do I aim it?"

The myrmidon shrugged. "Just a mercenary, babe."

Colm had caught up, but was staying hidden in the trees. He rolled his eyes. "_Just a mercenary, babe,_" he mimicked, "Just an idiot you mean!"

Joshua, facing in the opposite direction, shouted "I wonder if that thief knows we can hear him?"

Colm cursed, jumping back into the bushes. Joshua chuckled, then turned to Neimi, who was struggling to fit the large bolt into the ballista. The myrmidon helped her, then stepped back as she jumped into the seat.

"Now then… which little lever doodad makes this thing go… Hey look, a scope! Sweet!'

Joshua raised an eyebrow. "I didn't know you were so… into ballistae."

Neimi smiled sinisterly. "Are you kidding? It's been my life's dream to use one of these babies! I mean, a normal bow is all fine and dandy, but what's REALLY fun is shooting someone from the opposite side of the continent! I'm gonna have a blast!"

"Once you figure out how to shoot it."

"Um… right, that's first."

* * *

The rest of the group was following the extremely linear valley to the bridge that led to Renvall, Seth at the lead as usual, with Mathwin at the back, also as usual.

At about that time, all the enemy soldiers charged over. Mathwin sighed. "Well, start the whole killing them all mercilessly thing, guys. I'll be over here, hiding in that house there." With that, Mathwin ran to a nearby house.

Moulder cleared his throat. "I believe I will be joining him." With that, the priest ran off to join the tactician.

Seth shook his head. "Good thing we have a brave crew here."

Gilliam stumped to the front of the line, which required everyone else to move back, so as to save time. Ross and Garcia stood just behind him, ready with their axes, while Artur and Lute stood behind them.

The enemy charged, and the battle began. A cavalier charged at Gilliam, who had his lance up and ready. Then, there was a resonating TWANG, and a bolt flew from the forested ridge. It stuck- the dirt, several feet away from the cavalier. A loud "Oops!" echoed through the area. Seth shook his head.

The cavalier had faltered in his charge, and Ross took advantage of that by throwing his axe. Sadly, that too missed, and the cavalier charged again, followed by all the other soldiers. Lute sighed, raising her hand and throwing a fireball at the cavalier, which actually managed to hit him and knock him down.

Artur smiled at the mage. "I'm glad you're finally using spells that actually exist."

"Of course. Though I must admit that I cheated by making Pyroblast activate more quickly than it usually does." Artur sighed.

More enemies charged, but Ross (having retrieved his axe) and his father were keeping them back. Gilliam stumped forward and managed to spear one. Franz and Seth charged in, cutting through the masses, while Vanessa flew overhead, throwing javelins that she was apparently keeping in some secret compartment.

Suddenly, another bolt flew, but from a different direction, and aimed at Vanessa. Her pegasus flew straight up, again, narrowly missing being skewered. _Gah, no! Wrong way! The enemies and safety are in THAT direction! Stupid horse! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!_

Natasha was watching as she ascended. "Why doesn't Vanessa scream?"

Gilliam, who happened to be nearby, sighed. "She does, but she only screams in inner-monologue form. I don't get it either, obviously. Damn, I said it to myself again."

Meanwhile: _GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!_

Eirika was staying behind her troops, picking at her fingernails again. Seth rode back, bloodied and with his armor scratched and dented. "Princess? Why aren't you helping? This is quite the fray. It seems that the enemy even has another ballista over there."

Eirika glanced over at him, then looked back at her fingernails. "You seem to have things under control. I think I'll stay here until we reach the big boss, then rush in to take all the experience."

Seth rolled his eyes, but then noticed another bolt coming towards them. He kicked the Princess to the ground, so the bolt went past where her head had been a moment before.

"Seth you ninny! You made me break a nail!"

"You're welcome…"

"Why would I thank you for breaking my nail? Honestly, you must be desperate for praise, you silly, sub-par paladin you."

Seth muttered, turning away.

* * *

Neimi sighed. "I just can't figure this thing out. The crosshairs are so little…"

Joshua, meanwhile, was looking for a flower to give to Neimi. Colm, hiding in the bushes, dropped a fake one near him, giggling maniacally. The myrmidon smiled, picking it up. "This looks perfect. I am so smooth…"

He took it to Neimi, who was studying base of the ballista. "It needs oil so it turns better…"

"Oh my looooooooovely! I have a perfect flower to match your perfect beauty!"

Neimi turned to Joshua, blushing. "Th-thanks." She took the flower, which promptly sprayed oil on her. Some of it missed and hit the ballista.

Joshua gaped. "Wha- but-"

"Joshua!" Colm giggled from his hiding place, "You found oil to fix the ballista! I wish you hadn't squirted it on me, but thanks for finding some!" Colm cursed wildly.

Neimi jumped back on, turning her ballista, accidentally going so fast that it spun in a circle several times before coming to a stop with a very sick Neimi on it.

* * *

The enemy archer on the other ballista chuckled evilly. "Those incompetent fools will soon be shish kebabs, thanks to my awesome, ballista skills! No one can dodge me!"

"Looks like they already have. Several times, in fact."

The archer's shot missed when the driver of the ballista swung around to see who was mocking him. A cry of "my leg!" came from the crowd of Grado soldiers. "Who you talking to, fool?"

"You." With that, the speaker drove his sword through the archer's chest, then shoved him over the cliff. "No more ballistae for you, Grado."

* * *

One of the Grado archers was suddenly hit by a random ballista bolt in the leg, causing his arrow to go widely off target. It pinged off Gilliam's armor, and flew toward a nearby house.

Inside said house, Mathwin and Moulder were having a cup of tea with the owner of the house.

"As I was saying, Lord Tirado has always been a good ruler. Sure, he's ambitious, but he doesn't take it out on us. We have pretty fair taxes, we're protected from bandits and such. I know he's not so nice to you Renais people, but hey, that's your fault."

Just then, the arrow flew through the window and broke the cup of tea held by the housekeeper. Moulder raised an eyebrow, and Mathwin made a mock terrified face. "Clearly it's a sign! You must do anything you can to help Renais defeat Tirado!"

The tactician left the house with a large sack of gold, and a very unhappy priest. "That was terrible, Mathwin. You have no shame."

"Nope, not a bit."

Meanwhile, the rest of the group was turning around a ridge and at last coming within sight of the bridge. Natasha finished healing up Seth, and Moulder and Mathwin finally caught up with the group. Eirika turned to the tactician. "Got any ideas for taking out the men on the bridge?"

Mathwin glanced over. "Well, I think Neimi has the ballista. She can shoot at those convenient barrels of gun powder."

Artur blinked. "Gun powder? That has NOT been invented yet!"

"Shaddup ya stupid monk."

"Indeed, Artur. The Dwarves of Ironforge have already mastered the art of gunmanship, having created numerous styles of rifle and-"

Artur sighed. "Oh Lute, please, just stop."

Vanessa finally fell back to the ground. "I'm… fine…" _No I'm not! I'm horrible! Why doesn't someone ask how I am?!_

Eirika waved a hand dismissively at her. "Fine, got it. Don't care. How do we tell Neimi to shoot at the barrels?"

Franz laughed. "Torches! We just wave them in an elaborate signal, and she'll know where to hit!"

Eirika nodded, glancing into the convoy, which was strapped to her back. Seth blinked, wondering why he'd never noticed that before. "Hm… no torches. I think Colm has them all."

Franz blinked. "Where is Colm… Oh wait, look! Sticks! We can just start a fire!"

* * *

Joshua was leaning against the ballista, telling Neimi a story of his manliness or something while she tried to aim the ballista. Colm snuck up, a large spider in hand. He was reaching out for Joshua's shirt collar to drop it in, when the myrmidon suddenly swung his hand back, inadvertently knocking the bug onto Colm. The thief screeched in terror, running around and rolling on the ground.

"Look, cutie! They're making some sort of signal!"

Neimi turned away from Colm to see. "Oh… too bad I don't know how to read torch signals. I think they want us to…"

Joshua grinned. "Smooch! They're ordering us to make out! C'mon, babe, let's get wacky!'

Neimi leaned away from him on her seat on the ballista, while Colm came over, preparing to punch Joshua, when Neimi suddenly had an epiphany. "They want us to shoot that enemy over there!" She swung the ballista in a full circle, striking Colm and knocking him several feet away, into a tree. Joshua neatly ducked. "Oops, sorry Colm!"

* * *

Mathwin pointed. "Hey… why is she aiming…"

Suddenly, the ballista fired a bolt at the house Mathwin and Moulder had just been in. The house was torn apart, but the people inside managed to escape. One ran over to Mathwin. "Sir, you were right! We need to keep helping Renais to ensure our survival! Take all of this money!"

When the man had run away, leaving Mathwin with a large sack of gold, Moulder tut tutted at him. "Shameful."

"I don't mind. I'm just glad Neimi fired in the wrong direction. But that still leaves us with some enemies to kill."

Franz threw his burning stick down in frustration. "How do we hit the barrels now?"

Ross grinned, kneeling with his back to the barrels and the stick. "Ross," Garcia said warningly, "If you engage in potty humor, I'm going to smack you one!" Ross groaned, but stood up.

Lute rolled her eyes, then cast a fireball at the barrels. A large explosion ensued which not only wiped out most of the Grado soldiers, but also caused the middle part of the bridge to collapse. Seth sighed.

Eirika frowned at Mathwin. "How do we cross now?"

* * *

"Hey, did you see Franz drop the signal? That means he wants you to make out with me!"

"Um, Joshua, I think it means he wants me to hit that tree. I don't know why he'd be signaling us to kiss."

"Aw…"

* * *

Another bolt from the blue struck the tree, causing it to fall over and roll. The people in the way quickly jumped aside. The tree rolled onto the bridge and became stuck in the rather narrow hole caused by the explosion. Mathwin blinked. "That was convenient. Franz, do something else with that stick so Neimi does some other random stunt that surprisingly helps us win!"

Franz tried reaching down, but was unable to from on top of his horse. Ross ran by, scooping up the signal. Franz scowled at him. "Ross! Give it back! Stealing is unkind!"

Ross waved the signal around, pointing toward Murray, who was now the only surviving enemy.

Nothing happened. Mathwin scowled. "What's the deal?" He pulled out a pair of binoculars, then observed the ridge where the ballista sat.

Artur squinted. "What's happening?"

Mathwin arched an eyebrow, "Looks like they're… making out? Geez, that Joshua is a player. Oh wait, now she's pushing him away. Oh, and now that Colm kid is jumping on him, and hitting him on the head. Oh, wait, now Joshua knocked him to the ground. And he's kicking him… and kicking him… and kicking him… and Neimi is just kinda watching… and now Neimi is staring over here. Looks kinda sick. Hey what's going on over here?"

Garcia looked over at Ross, who had retrieved the signal. He gaped at his son. "Ross! YOU STOP THAT THIS INSTANT!"

Ross grinned. "Sorry Dad."

"Hey look, Neimi is firing at…"

Ross was hit on the head by a bolt, and propelled several feet backwards. Luckily for the juvenile pirate wannabe, the bolt had been smashed into a disc by his concrete hard head.

"Hey, I think Neimi might be out of bolts. Oh, and Joshua has moved on from kicking Colm to laughing at him. And pointing… and laughing… and pointing…"

Moulder scowled. "We get the point, thanks."

Seth shook his head. "Looks like we're on our own with this boss. Now then, let's get started."

Murray had resumed pounding on the door, screaming for Tirado to let him in. He turned to see Eirika's group approaching, then squealed in terror. "LORD TIRADO, PLEASE!"

Mathwin held up a hand to stop them. "Hold on, this guy's a coward. He and I can relate." Seth rolled his eyes.

The tactician approached the cowering cavalier. "Look, buddy, we don't have to fight. Tell us something interesting, and we'll let you go."

Eirika blinked. "What? No, wait a minute! I haven't killed anything this whole battle! I need to beat this guy to get some experience, or I'll have just been a waste of space!"

"Weren't you already?" Eirika glared at Seth, who turned away to whistle.

Murray chewed his lip, then smiled. "Okay, gotcha. Something useful, something useful… Um… Wow, it would probably help if I was one of Lord Tirado's trusted confidantes, rather than just a grunt mercenary! Oh, I know! The new castle was built into two sections. If you send troops down both ways, you can surround the throne room!"

Mathwin sighed. "That's not that useful," Murray paled, "But I guess we'll let you go anyway. Killing you is practically a waste of weapons. Get lost."

Murray cheered, then charged away. Eirika pouted. As Murray crossed the tree trunk that had patched up the bridge, another bolt from the blue hit it, causing the trunk- and Murray- to plummet into the moat.

* * *

Neimi cheered. "I got him! I got the boss! Lucky thing I found that extra bolt!"

Colm jumped up in front of Joshua. "I found it! Me! Me!"

Joshua shoved the thief out of the way. "Anyway, Neimi, now that the battle is over, can we make out? You know, without the whole indignant pushing away thing?"

Colm stood back up, glaring at the myrmidon. "No! She's going to make out with me!"

Neimi frowned. "I have had about enough of you two!" She then looked over at the bridge. "Hey, now they're signaling…"

* * *

Mathwin dusted off his robe. "Anyway, I think it's time we got a-going."

Garcia nodded, then turned to Ross and gaped. "I told you not to do that with the signal!"

Ross grinned, and was then plowed into the bridge by Joshua and Colm tied together, inexplicably flung from far away. Mathwin blinked. "What happened?"

Colm struggled against Joshua, who had, unfortunately for him, plowed face first, "Neimi thought that you were signaling to shoot me and mermaid man at Ross."

Mathwin nodded smugly. "I started a new nickname for Joshua."

Suddenly, Neimi was shot at them as well, plowing into Colm, which drove the thief, the myrmidon, and the pirate wannabe deeper into the bridge. Neimi stood up. "Some nice guy came along and offered to shoot me over. So polite! And so handsome!"

Joshua and Colm both looked over at once. "HANDSOME?!" They shouted in unison.

Eirika, still pouting, started walking forward. "Let's just go kill Tirado or whatever," She stopped in her tracks, however, when a rider came out of the fortress, riding straight at them. Eirika jumped back. "Enemy! Seth, protect me!"

Seth rode forward, but blinked in surprise. "Sir Orson? What are you doing here? Ephraim, is he-"

Orson smiled, though he looked ill. "Prince Ephraim yet lives. He and the others are being held in the dungeons. We must hurry inside to save him."

Eirika nodded, but Mathwin and Seth looked incredulous. They followed Orson inside, and the rest of the group followed as well.

"HEY!" Eirika stopped to turn around and see the indigo-haired girl approaching, "You DARE leave me behind? I'm going to kill you!"

Eirika sniffed airily at her. "Moe, was it?"

"MYRRH! My name is Myrrh! And don't forget it, you ugly witch! I'm going to tear your arms out of their sockets, fling them across Magvel, then laugh evilly!" Myrrh ran at the Princess, screeching horribly, but didn't notice the hole in the bridge, and fell right through. "CUUUUUUUUUUURSES!"

Eirika shrugged, then entered Renvall.

* * *

From the ridge where Eirika had started, a certain green-haired troubadour and her berserker and rogue allies was watching the scene. The troubadour smiled. "Dozla! Are you pondering what I'm pondering?"

The dwarfish axeman stroked his green beard. "Ah think so, Lady L'Arachel, boot wouldnae we need more than just two fellers tae carry all 'at cheese?"

L'Arachel and Rennac stared at him, then ran off toward the fortress.

* * *

Tirado turned to see his guards approach, then smiled. "Well?"

"Sir Murray has vanished. Eirika's party has breached the castle."

"Good. Let us prepare." He waved the guard away, then turned to Danen, who was standing nearby with his Killer Bow, "Now, you shall see a real master strategist at work."

"I'm sure," Danen said, "But I have to point out that it is rather stupid to have a plan that revolves around the enemy actually entering your stronghold."

Tirado blinked, then rolled his eyes. "It'll work out in the end. The Lunar Brace and glory will be mine."


	13. Chapter Eight: It's a Trap!

-1**Chapter Eight: It's a Trap!**

_If you can't guess what this chapter is from the title, than you must be a complete imbecile. Why even bother with a narration?_

* * *

Eirika and her companions followed Orson into the castle, which was, oddly, empty. Seth glanced around suspiciously. "Where are the guards?"

Orson glanced back over his shoulder, "Weren't you just killing them all?"

Moulder scratched his moustache. "All the soldiers were waiting outside the castle? That was rather poor planning on their part. Seems like the sort of idiot scheme Mathwin would come up with."

"Yeah, hi, I heard that."

Moulder glanced over at the tactician. "So I had intended." Mathwin frowned, looking away.

Joshua shrugged. "I don't see what you're complaining about. Less morons for us to knock over the head, I say. Why take the hard way when we have the castle handed to us on a silver platter?"

Eirika sighed. "I didn't get to kill anything." She pouted, then started to walk more quickly to keep up with Orson. "So Ephraim is alive?" she asked.

"Yes," the Paladin said, "Tirado lured us into Renvall, then captured us inside. He locked us in the dungeon. I was able to escape and ran to find help."

Seth arched an eyebrow. "So… how did you escape?"

Orson blinked, stopping where he was to look around. "Um.. Well see, I had this spoon, and I used to it pick the lock. Um, but then, I used a lock pick to dig out, cause the spoon didn't work so well."

"So… why didn't you take Ephraim with you when you escaped?"

"It was… easier to escape with just one person."

"But if you were going to escape, why only let one person escape? What are the rest going to do?"

Orson was sweating profusely. "Well… um…"

Natasha swatted at Seth's arm. "Stop yelling at him! He's been through a traumatic experience!"

Seth waved her away. "And Orson, why did they leave you with your weapons and your freaking _horse_?"

"Well… they didn't , you ninny! Well, they left the horse, I guess so they didn't waste any stable room," Orson said, suddenly grinning smugly.

"No weapons, eh? Then why do you have a sword under your shirt?"

Eirika blinked. "A sword? Where?"

Orson glanced down, where a large sword was very obviously hidden under his clothes, the blade actually sticking out of his sleeve. Eirika rubbed her head. "How did we not notice that?"

The group surrounded Orson, drawing their weapons. Orson drew his sword out, then grabbed Eirika, pulling her onto his steed and holding his sword to her neck. He sneered at them. "One wrong move, and the Princess dies here and now. I'm sure you wouldn't like that, Sethie."

Neimi had started to edge back, when she backed into someone. She turned, and smiled. "Look! It's the nice man that helped me with the ballista! You're going to help, right?"

Franz turned, and beamed with joy. "Forde! You're here!"

Ross looked over at Franz. "Forde? You know him?"

"He's my brother!" Franz said, smiling at Forde, "How did you avoid capture?"

Forde pushed his blonde ponytail behind his shoulder smiling confidently. "I left the castle with Orson, leaving Ephraim, Karson, and Kyle to blow up."

Franz blinked. "Wha-what?"

Orson was sneering again. "The original plan failed, so Lord Tirado was forced to destroy Renvall, with Ephraim in it. An unfortunate turn of events, as the Prince's Solar Brace was vital to the overall plan. But Tirado does not know that, and he continues to give us what we want so long as we ensure that Eirika's bracelet falls in his hands. And now we have her."

Seth shook his head. "Orson, Forde, how could you betray Renais so? What would drive you to this treachery?"

Forde did not answer, but Orson was glad to. "Power and riches, naturally."

Mathwin blinked. "Not for your dead wife?"

"What? No, why would I want some corpse walking around? I'm free of that nag! Why would I want her back?"

Mathwin leaned over to Moulder. "Why is it that there isn't a single happy marriage in Magvel? It's kind of depressing."

Orson continued. "Anyway, Renais has always been too weak. Grado is where all the real power is. Plus, they promised to make me the new King of Renais! Fwah hah!"

Seth shook his head. "Powerhungry fool! Where is Ephraim?"

"Dead, I should expect," Forde said, "As I said earlier, the original Renvall was detonated. He, Kyle, and Karson are all dead."

Eirika's lip quivered, and she turned away, as best as she could while being restrained by Orson. She saw a group of soldiers approaching, led by a regal man in red armor. He was smiling imperiously as he approached. When he arrived, he bowed before Eirika. "Princess Renais, we meet at last. I am Lord Tirado, ruler of Renvall. And soon, most esteemed general of Grado." Beside him, a dark sniper glowered at the group in general.

Tirado turned to the group. "Now then, I want there to be no animosity. I have your Princess. Quite frankly, you have no reason to continue to fight, nor do I have any reason to harm you. I give you all the option to escape, and safety as you leave my province. I cannot promise anything for the rest of Grado, but you have my protection for now at least."

Seth guffawed. "Please, we will stay and fight for the Princess! Right!"

He turned to see that everyone was backing away. Forde had moved beside Orson to let them go. Seth could only gape at them. "But… but why? How can you all be such cowards?"

Franz flushed, and rode forward. "I-I'm sorry, Sir! I don't know what I was thinking! I stand for Renais, until I die!"

Mathwin sighed. "I guess Renais DOES pay the bills. Fine, fine, I'm coming." The tactician came forward, dragging his feet.

Garcia straightened, setting his shoulders. "I've sworn my axe to Princess Eirika. I won't abandon her in her time of need. Come on, Ross. Real men don't run away!"

Ross grinned. "Aye, cap'n! We can't leave in the middle of a storm! Arrrrr!" Garcia frowned at Ross, who merely grinned back at him.

Neimi darted forward. "I'm helping too! I can't run away!"

Colm and Joshua exchanged a glare, than darted forward together, trying to push each other out of the way. Joshua managed to reach Neimi first. "This is an idiot mission, but I wouldn't dream of abandoning this little cutie!"

Colm kicked him in the back of the knee, causing the myrmidon to fall to the ground. "I saw her first, carrot top! I'm here for ya, Neimi!"

The archer sighed.

Artur stepped forward. "I pray that my magic can serve you. I will continue to keep Rausten on the side or righteousness!"

Lute shrugged and joined as well. "I would liken this to the Battle of Mount Hyjal, but that Tirado character is not nearly as scary as Archimonde, we aren't defending the World Tree that is needed to keep our world safe, and we're not relying on the help of our old enemies. So really, there's not comparison."

Natasha joined as well. "It hurts that I must fight my countrymen, but I will not allow the Princess to be hurt. The Sacred Stones must be defended. Also, she's my ticket out of here."

The three Frelians shuffled their feet nervously. Finally, Moulder sighed. "I'm just going to use the same reason as last time. Old men like me shouldn't have to come up with new motivations all the time."

Gilliam shrugged and did the same. "I'm in too. Obviously. Why do I keep saying that to myself? It's getting upsetting."

"I'm in." _No! I must escape! I must fly away while I still have the chance to escape and survive! I don't want to die with these people! Oh, who am I kidding. I don't want to leave them all to die. Geez, being a martyr is hard work…_

Tirado shook his head at the group. "What fools. I offer you the chance to survive, and you refuse? That is not even commendable courage. Orson, give the girl to me." The paladin shoved Eirika over to Tirado. The sniper grabbed her and held a dagger to her throat. "That's all for now, Orson. You may leave. Forde, you stay here and continue to support my troops. I want these fools dead. All of them."

Seth frowned. "You aren't going to stay and kill us yourself?"

Tirado snorted. "And risk getting myself hurt? Are you mad? I'm going to hide in the back." With that, he and some of his guards, including the sniper holding Eirika and Forde, turned to run away. Several more soldiers that started filing out of the halls of the castle stood between the good guys and the way Tirado had gone.

Orson cackled and rode past them, over the bridge leading out. Suddenly, the bridge collapsed with a now very upset Orson on it. Mathwin shook his head. "Crappy contractors is what I call that."

Franz was crying. "How… brother…"

Seth slapped him over the head. "Get emotional later! We need to hurry if we are going to rescue Princess Eirika!"

The group formed up to battle.

* * *

On the other side of the castle, Tirado and his men dragged Eirika to the throne room. Tirado plopped down on the throne (which was, mercifully, not the kind you find in a bathroom), and motioned for Danen to tie Eirika up and leave her beside him. When this was done, Tirado smiled at her. "Now then, I will show you that I am capable of mercy. If you swear fealty to Grado and to me, I will put in a good word for you with Emperor Vigarde. He is a wise man: He knows that Renais is more useful when ruled by its Princess than by an idiot like Orson. Renais could be reborn with Grado's support."

Eirika sneered at him. "And if I refuse?"

"Then I will not put in a good word for you. You will remain a prisoner until the Emperor sees fit to trade you back to your mother, or else you will be forcibly married to a Grado lord, so that the Empire can more easily claim Renais as its own. Either way, you will be handing Renais over to us. And your bracelet, of course. There is not even a question of that. Speaking of which, Danen, give it to me now, in case I forget later."

The sniper removed the bracelet from Eirika's arm, despite her struggling. Tirado smiled and pocketed the trinket. Eirika shook her head wildly. "What is so important about the bracelet? It's just a silly accessory that doesn't even match any of my clothes!"

Tirado shrugged. "I neither know nor care. Emperor Vigarde desires it, so I will give it to him. I am, as you might say, an ambitious man, Princess. I will do whatever it takes to become powerful."

* * *

Elsewhere in the castle, a bathroom exploded. Out of the debris came four figures, coughing in the smoke.

"Honestly, Karson, did we have to come in through a sewer?"

"Did you have a better plan, Prince Whiney?"

Ephraim shrugged, then looked around. "I'm sure I saw Eirika enter Renvall earlier with Orson. Now where could she be?"

Kyle raised his hand. Ephraim sighed and pointed. "Perhaps we should follow the very loud sounds of combat!"

Karson rolled her eyes, but Ephraim nodded. "Good idea, Kyle," he said. He then turned to the fourth member of their group. "Coming, Zonta?"

The mercenary ceased picking his nose to nod at the Prince. "Righty-o, Prince What's-your-face. I've got my sword right here, and I'm ready to fight!"

Karson shook her head. "If we weren't desperate for troops, I would completely condone shoving Zonta off a cliff somewhere. He's such a…"

Zonta sidled over to her. "Handsome devil?"

"Brainless idiot."

Kyle raised his hand again, waving it impatiently as he was ignored. Finally, Ephraim sighed and indicated him. "Shall we try to rejoin Eirika's forces?"

Karson shook her head again. "No, we should move forward as she does. We can crush the enemy forces between our forces (though all we have is two lance men and one idiot, and all she probably has is that nimrod Seth and that suck up Franz and that experience hog Orson)."

Ephraim stroked his chin. "Alright, follow me!"

They paused, wondering when he was going to start moving. Ephraim cleared his throat. "Karson, that's the part where the tactician decides what to do. You know, I just kinda said follow me to leave it open ended…"

Kyle blinked, then raised his hand, apparently to protest. Karson, who was looking rather evilly happy, pointedly ignored him. "Right, crush the enemy between us, away!" She dragged Ephraim along so he wouldn't notice Kyle. Zonta followed. Kyle waved his hand around and grunted in frustration.

* * *

Mathwin stroked his chin. "Okay, according to that Murray guy, there are two hallways that will take us to the throne room, which is where Tirado is."

Artur blinked at the tactician. "What makes you say that?"

"Ambitious general types always wait in the throne room, rather than some well guard vault or panic room. Anyway, Moulder and Vanessa, you go that away."

"Why just us two?" Moulder asked.

"According to my guide book, we'll be getting some help from that direction. So you guys go help the help."

"You're using a guide book?! Shameful!" Moulder scolded.

"So sue me. Now get going." Moulder mounted Vanessa's pegasus behind her, and the two flew off. Then Mathwin said "The rest of us go forward. Colm, there's a door up ahead to open up, and behind that some treasure chests. You- hey, where did Colm go?"

Neimi blushed. "Well, you said the secret word."

"Colm has a secret word?" the tactician asked.

"Yeah. Actually, he has several. Treasure chests, treasure, loot, money, gold, coins, dollars-"

"We get it already!" Seth said, "Can we please get going! Princess Eirika is in terrible danger! We must make haste!" The paladin rode off, cutting through enemies on his way to the door that the thief Colm was trying to pick open. Seth rode over Colm and the door to get inside.

Colm moaned in pain as everyone followed Seth. Joshua was snickering, and Neimi turned to him, glaring. "You should not mock Colm that way!"

"Oh no, sweetie. I'm laughing at our lovestruck paladin here. He cracks me up."

Seth skidded to a stop, ignoring the knights now approaching him from all directions, to glare imperiously at the myrmidon. "I am not LOVESTRUCK, you fool. I am concerned for the wellbeing of the Princess, as well as my own should I return to her mother without her safely in hand."

Joshua nodded, smirking. "Sure thing, buddy. Sure thing."

Seth sniffed arrogantly at Joshua, before turning to notice that he was in rather deep trouble. Ross and Garcia ran in, slicing left and right at the knights with their axes, while Lute summoned a blast of fire power at them.

Artur stiffened when he felt a nearby presence, then ran to the door to the next hallway. He struck an unseen foe with light magic, and heard the sound of a robed somebody falling to the ground on the other side. Lute had approached by then. "How did you hit someone from the other side of a wall?"

Artur shrugged. "Monk training is quite useful, sometimes."

"So you have an ability that lets you see through walls? That's incredible. The best thing we learn is the ability to turn other people into sheep."

Artur arched an eyebrow at her. "Sheep? Why sheep?"

"Something about it being insulting to be called a mindless follower."

Seth shoved through them on his horse and smacked at the door with his sword. "What is it with you people? Standing around chatting when we should be fighting an enemy to save our Princess!"

Gilliam cleared his throat. "She's not MY Princess. Mine is much more annoying and loud. And she acts more like a teenager."

Seth frowned. "Regardless, a little bit more focus would be appreciated!"

Colm had staggered into the room, holding his head and moaning. He saw the treasure chests, and whooped with joy. He started looting them immediately, for once not noticing Joshua's wooing of Neimi (who was being as unresponsive as usual).

* * *

_This stinks. There's no help coming! Where would they get in? There are no other entrances to this stupid fortress, unless they came in through a sewer or something! And who would randomly show up to help us? This is ridiculous! RI-DIC-U-LOUS! Ridi- hey, look! Random soldiers here to help us!_

Vanessa and Moulder landed beside Ephraim's group, who were reasonably freaked to have a pegasus knight suddenly land beside them without so much as a "Nice day, innit?"

Kyle was still waving his hand around desperately, but then switched hands, apparently signifying that he wanted to ask another question. Karson ignored him, regarding the two Frelians. "And you are?"

Moulder cleared his throat. "I am Father Moulder, of Frelia. My companion is Dame Vanessa, a Pegasus Knight. We were sent to protect Princess Eirika in her search for her brother, Prince Ephraim, which ultimately led us here. And if I'm not mistaken, that's the Prince right there."

Ephraim gasped. "Eirika? She's here? Why the heck is she here, looking for me?"

Moulder paused. "Well, she obviously was pretty accurate, considering you're here. Also, you were missing in action in the heart of the enemy empire, surrounded by enemies, and with no hope of reinforcements."

Karson smirked. "And yet we're the ones coming to the rescue of little Princess Eirika. How ironic."

Vanessa blinked impassively. _Oh shut up you emo witch! Go choke yourself with chains or whatever it is you people do! Ironic my ass! We need to be rescued because that ninny Eirika got captured during an idiot attack inside the freaking enemy fortress!_

Ephraim interrupted the inner monologue with a desperate question. "Where is my sister now?"

Moulder shifted uncomfortably. "She was captured by Lord Tirado. He's probably holding her deep in the castle. Our allies, led by Sir Seth and the tactician Mathwin are on their way," Moulder said.

Karson sneered. "Mathwin?! That incompetent idiot is your tactician? Your casualties must have been monumental! Tell me they were monumental!"

Moulder shrugged. "Sorry, but we haven't lost anyone." Karson sighed.

"My sister has been captured?!" Ephraim wrung his hands together, looking around nervously, his teeth chattering. Karson turned to regard his transformation with a look of disgust, "My s-sister? Wh-what do I do?"

Karson shook her head. "If Forde were here, this would be the part where he says that Ephraim is reverting to Prince Sissy mode."

"Oh, Forde?" Moulder shuffled his feet again, "Forde sort of… Well, we can cover all of that later. Is the Prince able to fight?"

Karson slammed Ephraim on the back a few times, trying to shake him from his terrified reverie. "Yeah, he'll live. Anyway, you know him. Surely you know me?"

Vanessa and Moulder stared at the tactician silently. She sighed. "Karson, Renais's premier strategist?"

"Doesn't ring a bell," Moulder said.

"Sorry," Vanessa said. For once, it was not accompanied by abrasive inner monologue.

Karson glared at them, then gestured to the nose-miner and the desperate teacher's pet. "That's Kyle, the suck up cavalier, and that's Zonta, the brain dead mercenary. They're completely useless, but they're all I've got. And you two. A priest might help, but you pegasus knights are crap, especially you Frelian ones that can't even resist magic well."

Vanessa said nothing. Out loud. _Crap? CRAP? I killed six freaking bandits by myself back in Ide! I was immune to two freaking shaman back in the Adlas plains! I killed a freaking monster spider! And I'm damn HOT! I think I deserve a little credit for that! One of these days, I'm going to give you stupid tactician types a piece of my mind!_

Ephraim had finally snapped back to reality, and revived his cheesy hero act. "Let's go kick some Grado booty!"

There was a moment of silence. "Booty?" Karson asked incredulously, "Did you serious just refer to the posteriors of the enemy soldiers as 'booties'? Are you three or something?"

"Seriously," Moulder said, "That's just juvenile. Nobody says booty anymore. It's just lame, kid."

Zonta was laughing stupidly, "Yeah, even I'm not that stupid! Well, yes I am, but you said it first thus sparing me the humiliation."

"Hey, stop talking potty-humor boy!" Karson snapped. Zonta shut up.

Ephraim sighed. "Alright, fine, sorry. Let's go kick their… butts?"

Moulder nodded. "Much better. Now you don't sound like a two year old."

"Three, three year old is what I said," Karson said, "and I still think you should grow up and curse for once."

Kyle was jumping up and down on his saddle, waving his hand desperately. Moulder and Vanessa stared at him. "What's he doing?" the priest asked.

Ephraim sighed. "Don't ask. What is it, Kyle?"

The cavalier fell to his seat in a relieved sigh. "Well, for one thing, we should rejoin Eirika's group to avoid her being captured! However, it seems we're too late, which is definitely Karson's fault for not letting us get to her on time! Then I was going to ask if we should attack you interlopers, then I realized that you were on our side and switched back to the last comment, which I've already said and now there's no reason to repeat it. Now I'm trying to ask why we're standing around chit-chatting when there's a battle to be fought and a Princess to save!"

Karson blinked. "Geez, maybe we shouldn't ignore him so much anymore. He doesn't forget what he wants to ask… Anyway, let's go. We're still going forward to crush the enemy in a decisive pincer attack!" Kyle grumbled.

* * *

Just outside Renvall, three figures stood on the edge of the now destroyed bridge. L'Arachel hummed to herself in frustration. "How do we enter the castle most heroically to help those beast slayers slay the beasts undoubtedly awaiting us inside the castle! We need a clever plan!"

Dozla tugged his beard. "Ah've noo idears, Lady L'Arachel. 'Ow's aboot you, Rennac?"

The rogue was too busy glaring off into the distance to answer.

L'Arachel snapped her fingers, grinning, "I've got it! Dozla, toss us over with your manly muscles! It's flawless!"

Dozla saluted. "Righto, me lady!" He grabbed L'Arachel's horse, and heaved it over the divide. Shockingly, it landed on its feet, with the troubadour still safely astride it. She laughed (Hee hee HAH) and rode into the castle, brandishing her staff.

Dozla turned to grab Rennac by the leg. The rogue shook his head vigorously. "Nonononononononono! There's a flaw! I'm going to be horribly maimed when I land! Dozla, nooooo!"

Dozla winced at the sickening crunch he heard when Rennac landed, then Gwa hah HAHed as he prepared to jump himself. He backed up and charged… and made it halfway before plummeting like a rock into the water. On the way down, he accidentally drove a little girl with indigo hair into the lakebed, but didn't notice.

Luckily for Dozla, berserkers float (which is a little known fact, by the way). Unluckily for Rennac, rogues don't bounce.

* * *

Seth sighed. "Despite the fact that we're in the middle of an intense battle, you people seem awfully apathetic and unconcerned."

Colm wasn't listening, as he was too busy looting. Joshua shrugged at Seth. "We still don't care about Eirika, and I at least don't care about ruining the breakneck pace this chapter is probably supposed to be keeping."

Seth shook his head, turning to Mathwin. "What are we waiting for?"

"For the reinforcements to catch up, so we don't get too far ahead of them and thus negate their whole purpose in the story," the tactician said.

Seth blinked. "So, these reinforcements… how did they get in here? The only entrance has been destroyed."

Mathwin flung his hands in the air, and by that, the narrator certainly does not mean that he removed them and literally threw them up in the air. After all, how could he throw his hands if they had been removed from his arms? Rather, he moved his arms upward in an expression of frustration. "How should I know? I'm not responsible for plot holes!"

The paladin shook his head, turning away.

Ross, who had been standing in a corner, twitching with energy that needed to be released by way of smashing someone's skull in with an axe, finally burst out and jumped at the door, hacking through it wildly, ignoring the protests from his father. "Ross! That's a nice door! We could use a nice door for our house, since those bandits destroyed it! Ross, noooo!"

The pirate wannabe made it through anyway, running into the hall just outside the throne room, laughing raucously. "Arr! Prepare to die, Tir-"

Garcia, followed by the rest of the group, ran out to see what had cut Ross off. They were frightened to see that the hall was filled with armored knights, holding lances and glowering rather sinisterly. Mathwin flipped through his guide book, shaking his head in dismay. "This is definitely NOT in the game! Damn, I hate improvisation!"

* * *

"Lord Tirado!" the knight shouted, stumping into the throne room, "the enemy forces are almost upon us! They have engaged the absurdly large legion of knights!"

Tirado pursed his lips. "Are they being held back at all?"

"Um, no. They're kinda cutting through the knights like butter. Armored butter. Also, it looks like some more people are coming in from the other side for a pincer attack, even though there are so few enemies left that a pincer really doesn't seem necessary."

Tirado sighed thoughtfully, stroking his chin. "I must take precautionary measures. Danen, Forde, bring the Princess with me. We shall leave via my personal river barge."

Forde arched an eyebrow, which is a sentence that has been repeated so many times in this one chapter that it is becoming obnoxious. "You have a personal river barge? Not bad."

The lord turned to the knight who had acted as messenger, smiling at him. "How would you like to be upgraded to general?"

The knight beamed. "Would I ever! What do I have to do?"

"It's simple," Tirado said, "Just sit on this throne right here while I escape. Comfy? Oh good. Now then, I shall be fleeing. Make sure that no one sits on my throne. Danen, Forde, Eirika, come."

Forde pulled the bound Eirika onto his horse, riding after Lord Tirado and the sniper. They took a hallway behind the throne, moving quickly down a flight of steps, which was rather difficult on horseback, especially considering the halls were made to be traversed on foot. Tirado turned to Forde. "You'll have to leave your horse. We can get you a new one in the capital, if you must have one."

Forde scowled, but dismounted, taking all his things and pulling Eirika behind him on foot. The Princess glared at him. "You are a pathetic excuse for a knight, Forde."

Forde sighed, rolling his eyes melodramatically, "Spare me the speech, you royal pain in the neck."

At the bottom of the stairs, the door opened onto a dock on the river. A barge awaited Tirado and his cronies, already being supplied by workers. Forde arched his eyebrow (yes, again). "Looks like you were already expecting to have to escape."

Tirado smiled. "One must always be prepared with a backup plan. Take Eirika aboard the ship. We depart at once."

* * *

Ephraim, accompanied by his cough motley crew, charged down the halls of the castle, plowing over enemies unfortunate enough to get in their way. Karson found the tactics rather simplistic and boring, but was pleased enough that it was working.

The group skidded to a halt when they found themselves facing two locked doors. Moulder sighed. "I wish now that we had brought Colm with us."

Karson glanced over. "Colm?"

"Ah yes, our thief companion. A bit immature and greedy, but marginally useful, at times. Now then, how do we move through here…"

As if the great bells of the church of Deus Ex Machina themselves were ringing, a horrendous echo of raucous laughter resonated throughout the hallways, quickly followed by a certain green-haired maiden on a horse. "Huzzah! I have arrived most arrivingly! And on time as well! Where are the beasts of terrible beastliness?"

Rennac came, huffing and puffing, behind her, leaning against a wall to catch his breath. "L'Arachel… you… suck…"

Dozla suddenly appeared as well, dripping wet. Rennac turned to sneer at him. "How did you manage to get in after your… little dip?"

Dozla laughed. "Ah jes bored a hole through the foundations wit me axe! Oh aye, et was quite weak! 'Sloike tha 'ole castler were brand spankin' new! Ah 'ope mah diggin' dunnae make the whole castley-bobber tumble!"

Rennac had turned pale with terror. "I probably didn't understand a word of that correctly, but I think you just said that you weakened the foundations and the castle is going to collapse!"

"Oh aye, tha' twas aboot et."

Karson cleared her throat. "As entertaining as this little dialogue is, I can see that you there are a rogue. Mind unlocking these doors for us?"

Rennac, still freaking out, scoffed at the tactician. "Yeah right, lady! It's bad enough I have to work for free for Twinkletoes here!"

L'Arachel arched an eyebrow (dear heavens, will I never stop saying that?) at Rennac. "Ahem."

"What?"

"Unlock the doors like a good little boy now, Renny. That's an order from me, your liege!"

The rogue glared at her in a way that suggested that he wanted her to suddenly and unexpectedly explode into bloody chunks. When she didn't, he ran over to unlock both doors without use of lock picks. How he did that wasn't quite clear, considering all he seemed to do was fiddle with it for a moment. "There, happy?"

L'Arachel beamed. "Yes, yes I am. Oh, Rennac, also fetch the contents of those chests there for our friends. And make it snappy!"

Rennac gaped at her. "Can't I-"

"No! You must be unselfish if you want to be a hero like me! Now hurry up so we can go kill the beasties around here!"

The rogue grumbled, but did as he was told. He thrust a silver sword and an elysian whip into Karson's hands. With that, the troubadour bowed. "You have thus been saved by-"

"SHUSH! Lady L'Arachel, ye cannae reveal yer noble rankin'!"

L'Arachel frowned in a melodramatic pout, "You spoil all my fun. Anyway, off we ride! Hee hee HAH!"

"Gwah hah HAH!"

"You people are such idiots…"

The trio rode through the other doorway, then came running back. L'Arachel shrugged. "No beasties, just a horde of knights. I hope you people will take care of them! Now then: Tra la LA!"

"Wait a minute!" Rennac scowled at L'Arachel, "You changed your warcry… thing. Tra la la?"

L'Arachel beamed at him, patting him on the head. "Poor, silly Renny. I am a hero of divine status! I can do whatever I want! Now them, Tra la LA!"

"Gwah ha HAH!"

"Stop being condescending you witch! And start paying me!"

Ephraim watched the trio ride off, then shook his head. "That was the strangest spectacle I have ever had the misfortune to witness." He then turned to see the legion of knights that L'Arachel had mentioned. "Oh crap. What do we do?"

Vanessa, who was quite annoyed to have been ignored for this entire scene, rolled her eyes. _Kill them, you idiot! Geez, between that rude snob and this stumbling idiot, the monarchy of Renais is doomed!_

* * *

Seth slammed his lance through another knight, and cursed when it snapped. Silver lances never lasted long enough… Garcia and Ross had an easier time, cutting through the armored knights, in the new boss's words, like butter. Lute and Artur were decimating them with magic. Neimi was bouncing arrows off of them uselessly. Natasha was running around, healing the good guys. Franz was uselessly pinging his sword against a knight that couldn't catch up long enough to hit him. Joshua was sitting down, drinking with Mathwin. Colm was sneaking around, picking the pockets of whoever was unfortunate enough to be close.

After the summary ended, Ephraim and his companions charged, stabbing at the legion of knights in the back. To quickly and cheaply sum up the battle, the bad guys got whooped.

Meeting in the middle, the two halves of the good guys encountered each other at long last, for the first time in a while. Well, except for Moulder and Vanessa, who were rather disappointed to be with their old companions again.

"Sir Seth!" Ephraim darted forward, glad to see the paladin again. "I'm glad to see you again!"

"I know," the paladin said, "The narration already revealed that."

"Oh, well anyway, I'm glad! Say, did you get promoted? You look good! How did you get to level twenty so fast?"

"Well…" Seth blushed, "I kind of… didn't. The King made me promote early."

The Prince blinked, "So… now you're a sub-"

"Don't. Say. It."

Ephraim swallowed nervously, but smiled again. "Thank you for caring for my sister, though it's rather upsetting that you let her get captured. Again."

Franz rode up to Kyle. "Sir Kyle!"

The green-haired cavalier was surprised to see the younger blonde. "Franz! I'm sorry, but we were separated from your brother. I'm sure-"

"Forde… Forde is with the Grado now."

"N-not possible! Forde would never-"

"So is Orson."

Kyle shrugged. "No biggie. Anyone could have seen that coming from three miles away. But Forde… that IS shocking. We must find and punish him severely!"

Karson and Mathwin approached, the man tentative, the woman furious. Mathwin smiled. "Hey, Karson. How's it going?"

Karson snarled. "You've got some nerve! Not once writing to me! How dare you treat me like you don't even care about me! What kind of boyfriend are you?!"

"S-sweetie! You were in the middle of enemy territory, and I was traipsing across Renais and Grado to get to you! When was I going to send a letter? Besides, I'm here now! I came to rescue you! Doesn't that make up for it?"

"No! And when we're done fighting here, I'm going to hurt you!" Karson huffed away. Mathwin sighed.

The group(s) turned to enter the throne room of the devious Lord Tirado! They then realized that the door was locked, and on the other side there were probably even more villains to fight their way through. Artur sighed. "Will this never end?"

Lute glanced over at him airily, "You expected the most powerful military in Magvel to roll over as soon as they saw our pitiful little group of low to mid-levels approach, with only our crappy white equipment?"

"White?"

"As opposed to green, blue, and purple? If we had just one epic two-handed sword, than we might manage to intimidate SOMEONE around here." Artur stared at Lute, then turned away, like he usually did when Lute said something absurd and completely unrelated to Fire Emblem.

"Agh, named the game! Now the whole fourth wall thing is ruined!"

Karson glared at Mathwin. "Stop talking about literary devices! Now then, does anyone around here happen to be able to pick locks, since that rogue from earlier is gone?"

Colm whistled innocently, which, as it always seemed to do, drew the attention of everyone in the hall. The thief glanced around, then sighed. "Yeah, fine, I'll do it. Sheesh, I ought to get paid for this crap." He ran forward, opened the lock, than ran away in case enemies charged through.

And charge through they did, predictably. Three generic soldiers with generic lances charged down the steps. Garcia took them all out with one toss of his handaxe. Karson pursed her lips, "Not bad. Looks like you didn't do too bad as far as recruits go, Mathwin," She glared at Zonta, who still hadn't done anything, "Lucky you… Wish I could say the same."

Mathwin nodded smugly. "Well, I have a gift with people you know-"

"Whatever. Alright people, we're going through! Kill the guy on the throne, then Ephraim, you sit on it! Then we rescue Princess Eirika."

Mathwin frowned, "I'm supposed to give the orders around here…"

Karson rolled her eyes. "Well you're a sub-par tactician," Seth sneered at Mathwin, "rather like Seth is a sub-par paladin," Seth cursed and rode into the throne room, "Therefore, I, am clearly the best choice for who should give the orders. And I have. So move, people!"

The group charged in, surrounding the general on the throne. He had his helmet on, and so nobody noticed that it wasn't Tirado. The general laughed. "No one can beat me! I'm promoted! THAT MEANS I AM INVINCIBLE!"

"Ephraim!" Karson pointed at the Prince, "Stick him with the pointy end!"

Ephraim gaped in horror at her, "What? Please tell me you didn't glean something inappropriate from _that_. I mean, stab him with Reginleif! It's clearly made for destroying armored foes!"

The Prince shrugged, advancing on the general, who then pulled out an axe. Ephraim skidded to a halt. "Crap! I can't beat an axe! I'm screwed!"

"Oh for- move it, sissy!" Ephraim turned, shocked to see Eirika approach with her rapier. She charged in from the side, while the general was distracted by Ephraim, and stabbed him under the arm with her rapier. He howled in pain.

Joshua took that opportunity to run in as well with his armorslayer, slicing across his other side, peeling away the armor. The general then stood there, clad only in his briefs, the armor effectively split in half and stuck to Eirika's rapier (and the Princess falling to the ground underneath its weight). He screeched, and ran away, trying to cover himself.

Ephraim shoved the suit of armor off Eirika and hugged her, tackling her back to the ground. "SIS! I was so worried about you and I thought I'd never see you again! I was so WORRIED! You came to save me!"

Eirika struggled to escape her brother's grasp, "Wonderful. Of course, since you were never in any danger, it was pretty much a waste of time. All we gained out of it was the loss of my stupid bracelet to that Tirado."

Seth cursed, turning away. Ephraim blinked. "How did you escape from Tirado?"

* * *

Of course, explaining how Eirika escaped would be much less interesting than reading it in flashback/summary form. Forde took the bound Eirika onto Tirado's barge, locking her into a cabin and blindfolding her. He then left, locking the door, which seemed rather unnecessary since she was already tied up.

Tirado ordered the ship to set off immediately, not bothering to check his supplies, since it would be a short voyage, ultimately. A short trip down the river to the capital, to hand over Eirika and the Lunar Brace. What could be easier?

While Eirika was sitting there, wondering what would become of her (even though Tirado had clearly explained what he planned to do), she heard the door open and someone enter, not saying anything. Whoever it was untied her hands and, staying behind her and keeping her head straight, removed the blindfold. The Princess was then shoved out the door, which closed behind her. She did not see who it was that had rescued her.

While she would have liked to sit around and wait for her rescuer to emerge, the ship was setting off, and she only had a short amount of time in which to escape. She ran, careful to duck into doorways when guards approached. She managed to reach the gangplank before the ship set off, and ran down and back into the castle.

Meanwhile, Tirado went to visit her cabin to gloat over how easily he had captured her. When he opened the door, he was shocked to see a generic soldier tied up in Eirika's place.

He wasn't too upset, though. After all, he had the real prize that Vigarde wanted: the Lunar Brace. He could recapture the Princess another time.

End of super awesome flashback/summary.

* * *

Ephraim blinked at her story, but was too happy to see her to really listen. Karson, however, was wondering who had saved her. Forde? Or someone else…

Seth looked around, then cleared his throat. "I think it is high time we left this place. We've won the battle and you two are reunited. I think it is time we-"

"Turn tails and flee?" Mathwin begged.

"Charge into the heart of the enemy empire to kill the mad emperor and avenge the desecration of our country of Renais by repaying blood for blood?"

Karson turned to stare incredulously at Eirika. "When did you become so bloodthirsty?"

Ephraim scoffed at the tactician. "She's always been this way."

Seth shook his head, pointing at Mathwin. "I agree with the chicken. We don't have the forces or the supplies to continue fighting through Grado. We need to head back and recuperate, and plan what we will do next."

"Such as extract bloody vengeance?"

"Yes, Eirika. Such as extract bloody vengeance. I am so glad you are a girl and thus will not become king unless your brother suffers an untimely death."

Eirika glanced at Ephraim, who suddenly looked rather nervous.

Zonta, who had done absolutely nothing for this entire chapter other than throw in the occasional stupid comment and dig for gold, suddenly had an epiphany. "Hey, they're twins!"

"They are?" Ross got up close to study Ephraim, then Eirika, "Holy halibuts! It's true! You two are twins! Does that mean you can talk with your minds and feel each other's wounds and have a special connection and have identical personalities?"

Eirika glared icily at Ross. "No, no, no, and NO! I cannot abide you uninformed peasants who think that twins are any different than normal siblings. I am my own person."

Ephraim grinned. "Me too!"

"Shut up, Ephie. No you're not."

"Oh, sorry sis."

With that, the party rose to file out of the hall and leave Renvall behind.

It was about then that they realized that they were screwed, since the bridge was still gone. "Crap!" Karson shouted, "Another plot hole! I guess we'll have to take the sewers…"

Kyle and Zonta shuddered. Eirika, however, seemed thoughtful. "I saw several vessels docked behind the castle, including another ship that could carry all of us. I suggest we utilize that to sail up the river and reach Frelia."

"Frelia?"

"Yes, brother. That's where Mother is waiting with King Hayden."

Ephraim blinked. "Why isn't she with Father in Renais?"

Mathwin, Franz, and Seth looked down, grim. Karson and Kyle exchanged a glance. Eirika brushed a strand of green hair from her face, "Ephie… the castle is lost. Father was killed by General Duessel when Grado conquered Renais."

Ephraim stared at her, speechless. "Not… not Duessel. Not Father…"

Eirika looked down at her feet, "I'm sorry you had to learn about it like this, Ephie. But it's better than you not finding out about it at all. Oh Ephie, don't cry…"

Ephraim shook his head vigorously, then grinned heroically at her. "I'm not. See? I'm right as rain. No need to worry. Now let's go. I want to see Mother again…"

* * *

They boarded a ship that was not quite as impressive as Tirado's barge, but was suitably large enough for the entire party, which had grown quite large, after all. Karson half expected L'Arachel and her cronies to show up and ask for a ride, but they didn't.

Nobody noticed a little girl with indigo hair clutching to the hull of the ship, hanging on for dear life, and swearing undying, horrible vengeance on Eirika for causing her to fall into the moat repeatedly.

* * *

Author's Note:

And there ya have it. The first part of the story over. Obviously, some fairly major changes have been made to the plot by yours truly. I'd like to point out that I don't change parts because I feel like being contrary. I usually do it for realism's sake. For example, how DID Eirika and Ephraim get out of Renvall? And how did Ephraim get in in the first place?

And furthermore, how is it that an army as powerful and resourceful as that of Grado fail over and over to take two stupid bracelets? I have plans for how to deal with the repercussions of Eirika losing hers. I felt it was a necessary plot twist.

Anyway, I plan on making a chapter from the point of view of some of the antagonists, just for a change of pace. Afterward is A New Journey, and then we have the big split. If anyone was wondering, I plan to follow both of them at the same time. Basically, I'll split the characters between Eirika and Ephraim. It just seems cheap to only show one of them.

That's all I have to say in my first (I think) official Author's note. Thanks to everyone who bothers to read this, and please people, keep reviewing! And not just compliments: constructive criticism is always good too.


	14. Chapter Eight X: A Matter of Perspective

-1**Chapter Eight X: Evil is a Matter of Perspective**

_While our heroic protagonist types did lots of nice, heroic things, other people in Magvel were doing less… savory things. Like planning to conquer the world and that stuff. You know, what villains usually do!_

* * *

"His fingers drummed impatiently on the arm of his throne as he waited for his crony to start spilling the beans."

Selena blinked, as always disturbed by the narration. "Well your Grace, Frelia puts up a good fight. Prince Innes has managed to hold back our forces, despite our best efforts. Even the might of my soldiers combined with those of General Caellach has proven less that sufficient."

Accompanied by clicking noises, Vigarde spoke, "How absurd and contrived. The miniscule and completely inferior army of Frelia somehow heroically defeats the mightier army of Grado. I bet they have better morale or something like that, right?"

"Actually your Grace, General Caellach is a pathetic general whose men end up spending most of the battle playing poker, while I happen to lead all of the raw recruits that the other five generals want. You know, if you maybe cut three of them out, like, I don't know, Caellach, Valter, and Riev, then Duessel, Glen and I wouldn't have such slim pickings…"

"He waves his hand dismissively, 'Bah. You just suck at life. Redouble your efforts. Frelia must fall sooner or later, and I must have the Sacred Stone!'"

"And why is that, your Grace?" The shaman Knoll came out from the shadows in which he had been skulking rather suspiciously, "Why do you want the Sacred Stone of Frelia? Perhaps you should say It aloud so that General Selena and I can contemplate it."

"He pointedly looks away from the shaman to instead focus on Selena, 'Inform Knoll that I am not speaking to him at the moment, and probably never again, just because I feel like being contrary.'"

Knoll sighed. "Eventually, you must see me, your Grace! You or your son! Please?"

"He continues to ignore the shaman. 'Selena, do as I have said: Go to Frelia and bring me the Sacred Stone from the Tower of Valni. And make it snappy. Time is money, after all.'".

Selena hesitated, but bowed and then walked away. Then the throne room was empty, except for Emperor Vigarde, staring lifelessly at the far wall, and Knoll, staring life…ly at the emperor. Knoll approached, but was surprised to be confronted by a freakishly old man with receding red hair.

General Riev smiled, his crinkled old face contorting into a grimace that made Knoll feel slightly ill. That, and the distinct old-man smell that simply cannot be described that hung in a veritable aura around his wizened shoulders. "Ah, master Karl-"

"Knoll."

"Right, Master Knoll. I fear his Grace is unavailable at the moment. If you really must leave a message, I fear you will have to do so at the beep and then lave." Riev proceeded to make a beeping noise, while still grinning/sneering at Knoll.

The shaman stared coolly at the old man. "Right… move." He shoved the octogenarian out of the way to approach the throne. Surprisingly fast despite the fact that he was almost parallel with the floor he bent so far forward, Riev managed to get in between them again.

"Ah ah ah!" Riev scolded playfully, though his eyes held a certain malice that Knoll could not help but notice, "Leave poor Emperor Valedictorian alone. He needs his-"

"Vigarde. His name is Vigarde you senile old coot. Now get out of my way and remain in that state until I say otherwise."

He shoved the aged general out of the way again, accidentally causing him to hit the ground rather hard. "Oh! My brittle old man leg! You feisty little whippersnapper!"

Knoll stood a few feet from Vigarde, standing directly in front of the emperor. He seemed to be looking right at the shaman, but didn't seem to notice. In fact, had his eyes not been open, Knoll would have though he was sleeping. "Your Grace? I need to speak with you about your son-"

"Why not speak with me directly, Knoll?" The shaman turned, shocked to hear the voice of the prince after the many weeks without seeing him. The Prince moved from behind the throne, his flowing black robes and cape dragging behind him. He pushed a strand of light purple hair from his face to look at Knoll, his face impassive, "What did you wish to speak about, Knoll?"

The shaman said nothing. If only the Prince hadn't shown up, he might have been able to convince the emperor… Knoll looked down, and noticed a black stone attached to the Prince's belt, a simple gem the size of a normal man's hand, smooth and oval-shaped. "I see you are still carrying that… trinket."

"Yes," the Prince replied, not wavering in his gaze, "It gives me comfort, having it near at hand. It is odd, I know, but I still prefer to keep it close."

"My Prince…" Knoll was careful to restrain himself from pleading. Pleading would make him look weak, which was very against the shaman's most basic principles, and he doubted that begging would have a better effect on the Prince, "This war against Renais and now Frelia is pointless, and is succeeding only in spending the vast stores of gold the Empire has hoarded. If we do not-"

"Please Knoll, that is not the argument you wish to make,": The Prince's gaze was penetrating, but not fierce. He appeared to be compassionate, even when he spoke of war enveloping an entire continent. "Knoll, what is your _real_ reason for wanting to cease hostilities with Frelia?"

Knoll paused, wondering if he dared. He decided that he did. "You want the Frelian Sacred Stone so that you can destroy it. What I don't understand is _why_ you would want that. They are silly trinkets, true, but they are important symbols of faith to the people of Magvel, and they certainly do not harm anyone. Why break them?"

Then a strange thing happened. The Prince's face contorted and twisted beyond recognition, the kindly young man suddenly replaced with anger and bitterness, and an old hate. "They will break because I order it to be so! You will ask no more questions of me!"

Knoll was taken aback by the Prince's transformation, but an instant later, he appeared to be his normal self, if appearing to have been slightly shaken. He started to say something else, when the doors to the throne room burst open again. Riev, who had pulled himself back to his feet, was flung aside by an angry Valter (on his wyvern, as usual), followed by a noble who was smiling very smugly, followed by a knight and a sniper. Riev moaned from the floor. "Oh, my brittle old man hip! What is it with you youngsters?"

The noble stood at the foot of the throne, and bowed. "Emperor Vigarde! I, Lord Tirado, have arrived to hand-deliver this, the Lunar Brace that once belonged to Princess Eirika of Renais!"

Knoll turned away to look at the Prince, but he had already vanished through a door way behind the throne. Suddenly, the emperor jerked to life, and turned to Tirado. "Good work, my subject. Hand me the bracelet."

Smiling triumphantly, Tirado handed the piece of jewelry to Vigarde, who studied it carefully. The emperor nodded jerkily, then waved the lord of Renvall away. Tirado blinked, his smile fading. Vigarde was still studying the bracelet, but looked up when he realized that he hadn't moved. "Is there something further, Lord Tirado?"

"W-well… I was expecting some sort of…"

"Reward?" That was the part where the evil emperor would smile, cackle evilly, then say something along the lines of 'your life will be your reward!'. However, if such a cliché came up, your author would likely pull his hair out and thrown his gameboy across the room. Fortunately, that was not the case, and instead Vigarde simply stared blankly at Tirado, as he stared blankly at just about everything. "I offered no reward for this, Tirado. You delivered it out of service to your country."

Tirado's face darkened. "Yes, of course your Grace. Out of service to my country." He turned to leave, walking straight-backed to keep a bit of his dignity intact. He ignored the snickers coming from Valter. Tirado marched out of the throne room without another word, as well as without looking back. However, the sniper who had joined him stared at Valter the entire way out of the room. The wyvern knight did not notice.

"General Valter," The wyvern knight turned to his emperor, smiling creepily again, "We have this prize, but there are many more that are not yet in our grasp. Ephraim's Solar Brace is still required. You and Glen are to continue to hound Renais's royalty."

Valter made a face. "Why both? We already have Eirika's bracelet."

"Because if Ephraim has half a brain, he'll give the Solar Brace to his sister to throw us off track. Anyway, equally vital is finding the Sacred Stones of Jehanna, Frelia, and Rausten. Fortunately for us, Frelia is very blatant about their national treasures." Vigarde held up a pamphlet advertising the Tower of Valni, the holding place of the Sacred Stone, as a prime vacation spot. "However, Caellach and Selena have failed to push into Frelia. Therefore, we must turn to new means- Are you listening?"

Valter appeared to be sleeping. Vigarde stamped his foot, waking the general up. "Am I boring you?"

Valter yawned, scratching his backside. "Nah. That clicking in the background whenever you talk lulls me to sleep. Sorry, I'm listening."

Vigarde said nothing, then started speaking (and subsequently clicking) again. "We must use stealth and espionage. You are to utilize the assassins already in our employ to infiltrate the Tower of Valni and destroy the Sacred Stone. Understand?"

Valter, who had been nodding off, instantly awoke and smiled eerily again. "Gotcha. Sacred Stone and all that jazz. On it, bossy man." With that, he turned his wyvern around and flew, smashing through the door.

Riev shook his head. "Couldn't the idiot have just opened the door? Honestly…"

Vigarde then appeared to collapse, rather like a discarded puppet, deeper into his throne. Knoll watched, concerned. Before he could study the emperor, Riev was grasping his arm again, his grip surprisingly strong for such a feeble old man. "That's enough, Kain. You're outta here."

"Knoll."

"Don't care!"

* * *

Selena met Duessel as she left the throne room, stopping to smile at her old friend. "How have you been? We've had no time to speak, just the two of us, since that fateful status report where we didn't have a single cake to drink or tea to eat."

Duessel smiled at Selena, looking oddly short without his warhorse, but still rather intimidating in his red armor. "You're right. We've both been so busy. Though really, I have no excuse. No one has attacked the castle, and the defense of Grado has been under the jurisdiction of Valter and Glen, since it was Ephraim and Eirika who did the attacking."

Selena nodded. "That explains why the two were able to get in, cause havoc, and the escape. We had the two thirds of the incompetent half our generals assigned to defend us."

The older general coughed. "That's rather rude, Selena. I know Glen is young, and apt to drinking and acting rashly, but he's a smart lad. And for all his cruel stupidity, Valter is better at combat than you like to admit."

She shook her head. "How? His plot to capture Ephraim was a complete wash out. He actually drew the prince inside the stronghold! Where is the sense in that? And then he flew away when he could have stuck around to capture them both later."

Duessel frowned and shook his head, and then said "He is still our colleague, like it or not. As are Glen and Caellach."

"Oh, Caellach!" Selena scoffed, "Don't get me started on that imbecile! Who thought it was a good idea to turn a grunt mercenary into a general?"

"The emperor," Duessel pointed out.

"Oh yeah," Selena cleared her throat awkwardly, "I knew that. Just… kidding…"

The two stood there in an awkward silence, until a very huffy noble flanked by a knight and a sniper passed by, muttering something that neither general quite caught. After he had passed, Duessel finally thought of something to say. "I hear that Ephraim and Eirika are on their way out of Grado. That's one less problem for us to concern ourselves about."

"Yes," Selena said, "Though, I doubt we have heard the last of those two. They won't take the loss of Renais lightly. And the emperor seems very concerned with the bracelets they possess. I can't imagine why…"

Duessel shook his head. "It is not for us to question. He is our liege, and we will serve him unquestioningly. Questioning the emperor is simply out of the question. Any questions, Selena?"

"Yes. Are you nervous about something?"

"What? Why would you think that my thoughts are revolving around thinking about thoughts of anxiety. I am not thinking anxiously about anything! What would lead you to think that I am thinking such?"

"You're doing that… thing. Where you say the same word or words over and over. You always do that when you're nervous about something."

Duessel blinked, stroking his graying black beard. "Do I really? I never notice. I suppose I'm a bit worried about Viggy. Have you noticed that he isn't eating? Or sleeping? Or breathing?"

"Of course I've noticed! It's a bit hard not to notice, you know. I don't know what we can do about it though," Selena said, turning to see Valter approach. She scowled, and turned away, back to Duessel.

Valter, of course, could not help but stop by the two generals to speak in his usual mean and nasty way. "I see you two imbeciles are just sitting around, scratching your backsides as usual, while I do the REAL work."

Duessel smirked. "And what work would that be? Capturing the children of King Fado?"

Valter sneered. "Of course."

"Funny. I believe it was one Lord Tirado who captured Eirika and her bracelet, while you allowed Ephraim to slip through your fingers." Duessel smiled at Valter, who had suddenly turned an unhealthy shade of greenish-black. Muttering something about things he had to do, Valter coerced his wyvern into flying off away from Selena and Duessel.

Once he was gone, they started to laugh. When they were done, Selena sighed, smiling. "It's about time I got going. I need to oversee the invasion of Frelia, since that incompetent nincompoop Caellach obviously can't handle it. I'll… see you soon, Duessel."

The older general smiled in a rather fatherly way. "You too, Selena. Be safe out there."

* * *

In a nondescript house in the Grado capital, three mercenary types were sitting around, bored. A muscular man with green hair and a pointed beard on his chin fiddled with his large broadsword. A skinny woman with red hair and a rather… revealing outfit was apparently practicing her dancing in a corner. And a woman with long, pink hair, part of it in a ponytail at her back, was applying black eyeliner.

The dancer turned to glare disapprovingly at the pink-haired woman. "Honestly, Marisa, I wish you would let me do your makeup. You always do such a bad job, using all that eyeliner! It's like you want to look like a corpse, which I hope is not what you want to do, because that would just be creepy! Marisa, are you listening to me? I can never tell if you are listening to me, because you are always glaring around so sullenly-"

Marisa threw the bottle of eyeliner to the ground melodramatically. When it did not break, she stood and stomped on it until it did, for dramatic effect. Then she whirled around to glare at the dancer. "You just don't understand me, Tethys! It's a free empire! I can do what I want! Stop lecturing me!"

Tethys seemed take aback, but kept glaring at Marisa. "I just don't understand you and your fashion statements! What is it with all the chains and all the black? Can't you wear some cheery colors for once? I get depressed just LOOKING at you!"

"I can't stand your voice! You never stop TALKING! How am I supposed to brood while your chatting in the background in_cessantly_?!"

The two women continued to bicker, while the muscular mercenary just sighed, hefting his sword.

The fighting suddenly stopped, and the two turned to glare at him. Tethys snarled "Are we_ bothering_ you, Gerik? I'm _so_ sorry!"

Gerik blinked, looking over. "Wh-what?"

Marisa scoffed. "You sighed at us!"

"N-no, I was just- um…"

Gerik's salvation came, in the form of the pink-cloaked Terel, who glanced around the room and immediately realized he had come in just in time to spoil a perfectly good fight. He shook his head in disappointment, but stepped in anyway. "Guy and girls, we've got a mission."

Marisa turned away, pouting with her arms crossed. "I don't have time today."

Terel rolled his eyes. "What could possibly so important that you can't come with us and earn your keep?"

"Today is Tuesday. Tuesday is the day I brood over all the wrongs committed in my general direction. We agreed I'd get Tuesdays off! You give Tethys her 'Full Body Makeover Mondays'! I get my Brooding Tuesdays!"

Terel sighed. "Look, can we move the angst fest to tomorrow, maybe? Whiney Wednesday! It even alliterates!"

Marisa tapped her foot impatiently, then sighed and nodded. "I GUESS my overwhelming self-pity can wait another day without being fully and exhaustively addressed. What's the mission?"

"Y'see… that's the problem," Terel said, "We're going into Frelia to infiltrate the Tower of Valni and destroy the greatest treasure of that country."

The three mercenaries stared at him incredulously. Terel shrugged. "What do you people want from me? Viggy pays the bills, so we have to do it or kiss our most lucrative jobs to date good bye."

Tethys was gaping. "But… the Tower of Valni? I hear that's the best-guarded building in all of Frelia!"

"Tethys, baby, this is _Frelia_ we're talking about. Their best guards are pansy pegasus knights who can't even resist magic. This'll be pie."

"Problem, boss," Gerik said, sheathing his sword, "We don't have any magic, since Tethys won't let Ewan fight. Not to mention he's still off in Caer Pelyn."

Tethys glared at Gerik. "I thought you supported me on that! He's a little kid! I'm worried that he'll start acting like _her_ if he spends too much time with us!"

Gerik blanched. "O-of course I support you!"

Marisa glared at him. "Why don't you ever support me, Gerik? Why doesn't anyone ever side with ME?! Is it because you don't like how I dress? Why does no one LIKE ME?!"

Terel rolled his eyes. "Who thought it was a good idea to let women into the group?"

Both women glared at Terel. "Sexist pig!" they shouted together, though Marisa also added on some expletives that are unfit to put in here without raising the rating a few notches. Tethys, it should be noted, also called him a "poopyhead".

Terel sighed again, snapping his fingers and indicating the trio to get ready to go. Gerik, who was already in full armor (that is, a leather muscle shirt and pants) and had his sword at hand. Tethys, who went around in the skimpy dancer outfit, only needed her reddish pink scarf that she twirled around when she danced. Marisa, however, had to fix her eyeliner, paint her fingernails black, change to a T-Shirt with an even more depressing catch phrase ("You aren't special! NO ONE IS!" No one said it was a CLEVER shirt). When she was finally ready, the four mercenaries left, waltzing through the streets on their way to Frelia.

Tethys sighed. "This is going to take for-ever. I mean, walking all the way from Grado to Frelia in a matter of hours? How is that going to work? It'll take days, and last I checked, we don't have days! And by the time we get there, I'll be all sweaty and then I won't be as sexy because I'll be out of breath! How can I dance when I have no breath? And when Marisa gets sweaty, her disgusting makeup runs all over her face. Are we going to get back in time for Oprah? I bought tickets for that play _weeks_ ago, and if I miss it, I am going to be very unhappy!"

Marisa moaned. "How am I going to have Whiney Wednesday when we're walking all day? How can I be darkly depressed in all this sunshine? I'm going to have a heat stroke in all these clothes, and Tethys is busy whining about being such a skank!"

Tethys scoffed. "Why don't you wear something less heavy? Get rid of the chains and the leather stuff and you might be able to actually breathe!"

"Let's see how well you breathe after I stick my sword in your lung!" Marisa advanced on the dancer, sword drawn. Tethys screamed, running to hide behind Gerik. Marisa chased her, and the two women wound up running in circles around Gerik. The mercenary was scowling, while Terel snickered.

Finally, Gerik shouted "Are we there yet?!"

Terel rolled his eyes. "We've gone one block from the hideout, Gerik. What do you think?" The head assassin tapped his chin for a moment, then nodded. "Fine, we'll speed this up a bit. Taxi? _Taxi_!"

"What are you doing?" Gerik asked.

"What does it look like? I'm calling for a taxi."

"What's that?" Marisa said sullenly, having given up on trying to capture and maim Tethys.

"Oh come on! You don't know what a taxi is? What time period do you people live in? The Middle Ages?"

"Based on the setting of this story," Gerik said, "Yes, medieval times sound about right."

Terel blinked, then sighed. "I guess we'll have to go by gyrocopter then. Hey, gyrocopter!"

A large vehicle touched down in front of the group. The pilot, a rather short fellow with a beard, grinned at them from beneath his goggles. "Whar to, laddies an lassies?"

Terel rolled his eyes. "The lame Warcraft cameos continue."

"What's that?" Tethys asked.

"Nothing. Come on, we're going to Frelia now. BLAST OFF, SHORTIE!"

* * *

Meanwhile, a massive earthquake shook the Grado Empire, tearing down buildings, notably Castle Renvall, which had weakened foundations due to a certain moronic berserker not so long ago. The castle, luckily for the inhabitants, had been empty when it collapsed, except for three interlopers who had become lost.

To end all possible worrying, the three managed to escape, though a combination of wits, concrete-hard skulls, roguish good looks, heroic laughter, and tartar sauce, which tastes very good with fish, by the way. However, since this chapter is about the antagonists, we're not going any farther into detail then that. Rest assured, it was all very amusing. Sort of a "you had to be there" thing.

Anyway, the earthquake also decimated the nearby village of Silva, where, sadly, there were a few casualties. A certain mother was relieved that a certain daughter had certainly been far enough away from that certain empire to escape the certain doom caused by that certain earthquake. Certainly she was safe in a certain fortress on the border of that certain empire.

The scientist/mages of Grado (because in fantasy, all the smart people are magic users…) studied the earthquake and were utterly baffled. Never before had a tremor of such intensity rocked Grado. In fact, until recently, there had been no earthquakes whatsoever. Interestingly, the first earthquake coincided with the day that Emperor Vigarde had finally resumed his public appearances, after a year of remaining out of sight. Knoll, head researcher and mage of Grado, had his suspicions, of course.

After the earthquake, an ominous silence descended on the Empire, a complete void of sound for several tense seconds, except for the whir of a gyrocopter, so high above the earth that the tremor had not been felt. No bugs, no birds, no people made a sound, so afraid that the devastation would begin again.

* * *

In Carcino, far from the horrendous earthquake, the council of merchants were meeting. Councilor Klimt (whose name is very annoying to say, by the way), was stroking his gray beard and long gray hair thoughtfully. "Well, I definitely think we need to do something about the Phantom Ship. We can't have ghosts wandering around our oceans. How are we going to trade? Anyone know what to do?"

"Sink it!" Councilor Hammet shouted uselessly.

Klimt sighed. "I know that. I mean _how_"

Hammet paused, and scratched his chin. "I dunno. Shoot it with a cannon?"

"We don't have cannons! Jehanna has all the gunpowder, and they aren't sharing." Klimt shook his head. "Why am I even asking you? If it's not about silk, you are completely useless!"

"I have a solution!" All of the councilors turned to stare at a rather weasely looking man in very rich garments. Councilor Pablo sneered in his usual way.

Klimt rolled his eyes. "Does it involve money?"

"What? Why would you- Alright fine, so I like money! Is it my fault that I feel the inclination to mention money every once in a while?"

A short silence. Pablo looked like he was going to explode, then did. "Money!"

Hammet smirked. "Now that that's out of the way, what's the idea?"

Pablo sneered again. "Grado! The Grado Empire has the most powerful army and fleet in the world! They can send their warships, and no Phantom Ship will survive! Money!"

Klimt wiped the sweat that had suddenly beaded onto his forehead. "Pablo, you know full well that Carcino only survives as long as its neighbors, Frelia, Renais, and Jehanna, allow it to. If we side with Grado, Frelia will be angry enough to attack! Carcino cannot hold off Frelia! Our army is almost entirely mercenaries!"

Pablo snickered. "No need to- money- fear Klimt! Grado has already conquered Renais! If we side with them, they will gladly send troops to defend us!"

Hammet frowned. "Why would they want to side with us?"

"Simple! Money!"

Hammet rolled his eyes. "That tick of yours is extremely irritating."

"No no! That's the answer to Klimt's question! Carcino is small and vaguely weak, but we have money! Lots and lots of money! Riches like you ain't never seen! Once they have an idea of the lucrative trade they can have with us, Grado will be _begging_ to be our allies!"

Klimt seemed skeptical. "Pablo, what if they decide that we're more useful as slaves?"

Pablo rolled his eyes. "You read too many corny fantasy paperbacks. Just because they overran Renais doesn't mean they're bloodthirsty scoundrels that will kill you before looking at you! It's silly! Ever heard of shades of gray? I'm telling you, alliance with the Grado is best! We won't have to rely on Frelia's condescension any longer!"

Klimt and Hammet were shaking their heads, but the rest of the council was nodding. Pablo grinned. "Very good! Ho ho, I sense money in the future!"

"… Money!"

* * *

Tirado had received the news of Renvall's fate after the earthquake with a dark look. He spent the rest of the voyage in his cabin, brooding, apparently.

Concerned, Forde entered without knocking almost halfway back to what was left of Tirado's castle. The fallen knight smirked at the fallen lord. "You look bright and lively today, sir."

Tirado scowled at him. "What do you want?"

"Oh, no pleasantries? You should be happy! In the original story, you died back during Eirika's idiot raid."

"The original… what?"

"Sorry, passed the fourth wall there. Let's forget that that happened," Forde grinned, sitting down beside Tirado, "Look, obviously you're not going to become powerful as a part of the Empire. The best bet, it seems to me, is to switch sides."

Tirado frowned at him. "You want me to betray my country as you did yours? I can't say that the prospect is not tempting but… why would they take me? With Renvall gone, I have nothing of use to Frelia."

"Not true," Forde said, grinning, "You have tactical information from Grado, and you have your soldiers."

"A few mercenaries. Nothing to be excited over."

Forde shrugged, getting up. "Well, Lord Tirado, it's your choice. Let me tell you, though: Unless your luck turns around, I'm not sticking around to be dragged down to the slums with you. You can have that little joyride on your own."

* * *

The Tower of Valni! A colossal structure that dominated the landscape of Frelia, northeast of the castle itself. There rested the Sacred Stone of Wind, the direct opposite of Grado's stone of Earth. The sacred item was believed to hold the evil away from Magvel, protecting the land from some great, unseen menace, some stereotypical darkness hiding just beyond the sunrise.

Naturally, the Sacred Stone was practically begging to be smashed by some random villain. And in fact, four random villains had already reached it, and were making their way up the tower stealthily, easily avoiding the badly trained and underpaid soldiers of Frelia.

Meanwhile, the armies of Grado distracted Frelia's eye away from the Tower. No help would be coming…


	15. Interlude: A New Journey

-1**Interlude: A New Journey**

_And so we return to the protagonists, on a slow boat back to Frelia. Eirika and Ephraim take some time to reminisce, while all the other characters finally get some development in._

_Little could they know that the real challenges were just beginning. The reader, of course, probably assumed it, since he/she/it just read the rather revealing title._

* * *

Eirika leaned over the railing of the ship, staring at the passing countryside of Grado with barely a flicker of an eyelid. Seth assumed she was too depressed to speak, and so did not bother her. After all, now that she had her brother, what was to distract her from grieving over her father's death?

Prince Ephraim did not seem much better. He rarely left his cabin, and barely picked at his food since setting foot on the ship. When he was seen, his eyes were usually red, though he did go to great lengths to avoid eye contact. Seth liked to think he was observant (not to mention good looking, strong, noble, and humble), and noticed all the signs of grief.

Everyone else had found their own spaces and places on the small boat, except one scary little girl who was still clinging to the hull rather like a stubborn barnacle in need of a good whack to get it off. Franz was in a state similar to Ephraim's, moping around about his brother's treachery. Seth, feeling rather like a martyr, took it upon himself to see what he could do.

He found the young cavalier, as stated earlier, moping around, on horseback of all things. While that typically wasn't the best idea when on a ship, Franz was too out of it to really notice, and Seth didn't point it out for fear of making him even more depressed. Instead, he kept pace with Franz on foot. The red-haired paladin glanced over at the downcast cavalier. "You've not been yourself."

Franz shrugged, dejectedly. "Forde… he's my hero… was my hero, anyway. But he… he betrayed Renais! Does this mean that everything I believed in was a lie? That I'm going to be as terrible a traitor as he?"

Seth sighed. "Look, kid, just because your brother turned out to be a sleazy, backstabbing… well, sleaze ball, doesn't mean you will too. Besides, you have such perfect role models as me and… well, me. I guess you could say Prince Ephraim is a role model, but he's kinda whiny and prone to crybaby fits…"

Franz didn't listen to the last part about Ephraim (though somewhere on the ship, the Prince was overcome by a sudden bout of sneezing), but he did sit up straighter, with a slightly brighter look on his face. "I… suppose you are right, General Seth. I cannot give in to despair and depression. My brother needs a role model of his own now, so I must be that for him! My incredible chivalry, courage, and feats of derring-do will convince him of his error and bring him back to us!"

The paladin nodded approvingly. "And they say I can't make an impression on people."

Elsewhere, slightly less easily resolved problems were still underway, mostly in the form of a certain red-haired mercenary wooing a certain pink-haired archer.

"Why my dear Neimi, the soft moonlight reflecting off the still waters of this pond only work to enhance your mature beauty, turning you from simple, yet adorable, blonde little Neimi to a gorgeous maiden with hair of the most stunning fuchsia, eye sparkling with an inner strength and loveliness!"

Neimi blinked. "Um, that was very poetic and all, but… well, it's daytime, we're on a river, not a still pond, and my hair is always this color."

Joshua blinked. "Really? You were born with pink hair? Wow, and here I thought you had been dying it. How did you get pink hair? What sort of strange combination of genes from your parents could have contrived such an absurd and impossible color?"

"Well, my dad was a Virgo."

"That explains it."

Meanwhile, Colm, who had suddenly begun to contemplate his own impossible blue hair color, was sneaking behind the comparatively normal-looking myrmidon, grinning fiendishly. _Now at last I will be rid of this buffoon! Steal my chick, will ya?!_

Colm charged at Joshua, who was leaning against the railing of the ship with his back to the deck. The myrmidon heard Colm's ill-timed warcry ("For moneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!") and sidestepped. Colm's momentum slammed him over the rail and into the water with a soft splash.

Neimi leaned over the rail to try to see him. "Should we call for help?"

Joshua waved his hand dismissively. "Why bother? I'm sure he'll wash up somewhere, maybe start a new life as a fisherman or something. Or hey, maybe he'll just drown. That always works." He blinked, genuinely surprised by Neimi's furious expression.

The unfortunate thief washed down the river, most of the way down the boat's length, until he found a convenient handhold with which to save himself. Unfortunately for Colm, the handhold was the leg of an indigo-haired miniature demon.

"HEY!" Myrrh screeched at Colm, who blinked when he noticed her, "Let go of my leg you uncouth ruffian! Do you not know who I am? I am Myrrh, the Manakete QUEEN!" She proceeded to kick him savagely in the face. Colm spluttered and cursed, climbing further up Myrrh, which of course, just made her angrier. Once he reached the porthole she had been holding, he slammed his fist on her hands until she lost her grip and fell into the river.

Myrrh struggled to keep over the water, screaming imprecations at Colm. "You shall pay for this, human! I will tear your innards out and use them to clothe you in a horrid menagerie of sick and disgusting GORE!"

"Yeah, well so's your mother!" the thief yelled back, feeling rather clever.

Back on the boat, and in fact, inside the very porthole to which Colm was clinging for his life, Artur, Lute, Garcia, and Ross shared a room. Ross was busy practicing his pirate speech, while Garcia read a magazine, occasionally glancing up to shake his head at his son's absurd and usually violent antics.

Lute was busy perusing a large tome with her feather pen, while Artur watched. "What are you doing? Reviewing your magic spells, perhaps? You know, in the fashion you are actually allowed to do it, but using multiple tomes that each contain the method by which to use a specific spell, such as Fire or Thunder?"

The mage sighed. "Don't be silly. Those rules make no sense whatsoever. How can a book, let alone a SPELL, wear out? Actually, there was a recent talent change, so I need to reassign all my talent points. Which has become quite a few, I might add, thanks to all the levels I've gained since I joined this motley crew."

The monk blinked. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Never mind. You handheld gamers are so old school. Honestly, you have no idea what _customization_ is. It's rather sad, actually." Lute shook her head at Artur pityingly, then went back to scribbling in her tome. Artur stared at her for a few moments, trying to comprehend what she had just said, then shook his head and went back to reading his book on the existence of worlds governed by the mysterious "Dungeon Master".

Garcia meanwhile, was unaware that under his bunk, his "dead" wife was glaring at her son's idiotic antics, muttering horrible doom upon her husband's obliviousness. Ross, who was equally oblivious, swung his axe experimentally. He lost his grip on it, and it flew toward his father. Garcia, apparently not as oblivious as he seemed, dodged without so much as losing his place in his magazine, and the axe struck his bed. It caused the bed to fall downward, striking Mrs. Axeman (well what did you THINK Garcia's last name was?) on the head and knocking her out. Luckily, the axe didn't make it that far, so she wasn't horribly maimed or anything.

Artur blinked at the strange bed-slaughtering scene. "What was that rather feminine cry of help from under Master Garcia's bed?"

Lute shrugged, having not looked up from her tome. "Probably Garcia's not-dead wife, who has secretly been following him this entire time with the express intention of regaining custody of her son and horribly maiming her husband."

Garcia gaped at Lute over his magazine. "How- how did you know all that? Can… can you read _minds_?!"

"Don't be absurd. The best thing I can do is teleport vast distances between capital cities. I'm still complaining on the forums to try to coerce Blizzard into adding a Mind Read ability," Lute thumbed to the next page, "I just went up and asked her when I saw her following Garcia with a kitchen knife."

Meanwhile once more, Mathwin was cowering in a corner when the mustached priest Moulder strolled along and noticed him. "What, dare I ask, good tactician, are you hiding from?" the priest asked with a large amount of trepidation.

"Karson!" Mathwin murmured in dour terror, "That crazy woman is HOUNDING me! She thinks that I don't love her anymore because I haven't sent her a letter since the fall of Renais!"

"So…" Moulder's eyes widened in horror, "You're… _dating_ that woman? The shrewish she-devil who cares nothing for human life? The shrew and the selfish whiner… oh what horrid spawn will be unleashed by this horrific pairing!"

Mathwin rolled his eyes at the priest. "Puh-lease Moustache, I'm not going to _marry_ her. In fact, I'm attempting to dump her. Thus the no letters."

The priest scowled, "It's Moulder, and it's usually better not to tell a member of the clergy about your out of marriage indigestions. As to the letters, I thought you claimed that it was because you were too busy traveling cross-continent to save her."

"Oh come on, Moustache, we both know that that isn't true. I mean really, travel across the continent? Save her from the jaws of the evil empire? Risk my cowardly little life? You are just incredibly naïve." The tactician shook his head pityingly at Moulder, who could only blink and walk away.

That was when Karson stormed over out of nowhere to grab Mathwin by the throat and drag him to his feet. "I heard EVERY word, you slime ball!"

Mathwin squealed in terror. "I-I can explain! I was kidding! I lurve you!"

"_LURVE_?! That's not even a word! You just say that to avoid actually saying the word love!" Mathwin cringed, which only served to further enrage Karson, "See?! You are a spineless coward who doesn't care about me! I can't believe I ever agreed to have lunch with you! I regret every moment WASTED dating you! We are through!" She dumped him on the ground and stormed away.

"W-wait sugar pop! We can work this out!"

Moulder, who actually hadn't gone that far, just stared at him incredulously. "I thought you_ wanted_ to break up with her?"

Mathwin gaped at him. "Can't you tell when I'm not being serious? You are so oblivious, Moustache."

"…Moulder…"

Meanwhile (anyone getting sick of hearing that?), Vanessa and Gilliam were leaning against the railing of a different part of the ship. Gilliam sighed. "Why don't WE get a special scene to further our character development?"

"Dunno." _Cause our characters suck and no one likes us and everyone else had more development to develop and the world hates me and I'm just an overall miserable person and I don't speak out loud enough to actually hold a conversation and your trademark catch phrase is "obviously"!_

"Obviously."

After a moment, Kyle rode by to make his token appearance and not say anything.

Meanwhile (last time, I swear!), Ephraim finally extricated himself from his cabin to come to the deck and stand with his sister. Eirika glanced over at him, forcing a fake smile. "I was starting to think you were never going to come out. I suppose you were too emotional?"

Ephraim paused. "Well… yeah. But I also get seasick really easily. In fact, the urge to heave is rising. Exponentially. I may have to do it on your shoes despite the fact that the river is right there, begging to be soiled. Geez, I hope that there isn't someone in the river downstream…"

Eirika sidled away from her brother, sighing. When Ephraim was over his queasiness, he glanced over to her, worriedly. "What is wrong, Eirika?"

"Oh… I was just thinking of Lyon."

"Lyon?"

"You know… our friend? Prince of Grado? Big softie who isn't quite as big a sissy as you? Incredibly good-looking in an overly bishounen way? How can you not remember?"

Ephraim ran names through his head, thinking deeply. "Lyon… Lyoooooon… Leon, Leopold, Lionel, Leonora… OH, LYON! Now I remember! Geez, it's been like, two years since we last saw him!"

"One and a half," Eirika corrected icily.

"Oh, right. Knew that. Wow, two- I mean, one and a half years. Not only is that oddly specific, but it's a… well, it's really not that long. Especially considering how a year ago relations between Renais and Grado pretty much died.

Mathwin sighed from somewhere else on the boat. "Guess it's time for another flashback. Get your umbrellas ready for the tears of fangirls!"

Zonta, who was also making a token appearance, grabbed his, grinning stupidly. "I'd hate to get the tears of all my fans all over my new leather armor!" Mathwin rolled his eyes.

Moulder blinked at the tactician. "Fangirls? Whatever are you talking about? Why would girls be crying? And why would they be fans? Goodness, why is the world blacking out-"

* * *

HOT FLASHBACK ACTION! THOSE WITH WEAK CONSTITUTIONS SHOULD NOW SHIELD THEIR EYES FOR FEARING OF THEIR EYEBALLS BURNING OUT OF THEIR SOCKETS IN A HORRIBLY PAINFUL WAY! DON'T SAY WE DIDN'T WARN YOU, AND DON'T SUE US FOR NOT HEEDING OUR VERY LARGE AND CLEAR WARNING!

* * *

"_The exact origins of the Sacred Stones have never been clear. The general idea among the peasant populace is that they fell from the sky as comets, blazing across the heavens as gifts from the Divinity beyond the stars to save humanity from the ravages of the Demon King. However, studies of the Sacred Stones have led many researchers to believe that they may in fact have a relation to the mysterious Dragonstones possessed by the ancient and now extinct order of the Manakete, though what this connection may be is not clear. It is generally assumed that the five Sacred Stones were found by the five generally acknowledged heroes, though there are more recent reports claiming that the Stone of Grado, which represents the element of Earth, was actually found by a young man named Tallon. This- Ephraim? Eirika? Are you listening?"_

_Ephraim snorted, waking up. "Wha…"_

_Lyon sighed, pushing his light purple bangs from his eyes. "Ephraim, you need to pay attention. I'm glad to help you with your homework, but if you aren't even going to try, then I'm wasting my time. Perhaps letting Father MacGregor chastise you."_

_Ephraim blinked sleep from his eyes. "Home…work…Mac…Gregor…Atten…tion…" He snapped to full wakefulness. "Sorry Lyon. Go ahead, start the lesson."_

_Lyon sighed. "I already did, Ephraim. We were already into the theories about who found the Sacred Stones and how. You've missed roughly half the lesson… again."_

_Ephraim pouted. "It's not like Eirika is any more attentive…"_

_The Princess was filing her nails with a scornfully arrogant look on her face. "I'm a born and bred multitasker. I can pay attention and take care of personal hygiene at the same time. Go ahead Lyon. Ephie can catch up later."_

_Ephraim pouted again. "That's not fair! I hate studying! What good is it when I'm never going to make a good king anyway? I'd rather be…"_

"_A traveling mercenary?" Eirika ventured._

"_A male stripper?" Lyon suggested, then balked at the narrator. "Suggested? What's that mean? I didn't SUGGEST he be a stripper! That would imply that I want to see him naked! Which I don't! I mean, just, just, yuck! It wasn't a suggestion, it was a possibility. No, I mean… oh forget it! Leave me alone!"_

_Ephraim shook his head at both, carefully ignoring the badly disguised homosexuality on Lyon's part. "I want to be… Well, I don't know. General Duessel tells me that I have great, natural skill with the lance-"_

"_Oh please," Eirika said with a sigh, "Natural abilities? Those are so cliché and unrealistic. How can you have a natural talent? Next you'll say that everyone from Jehanna is good with a sword."_

"_Eirika, there's scientific proof of that. Apparently, the first thing every baby in Jehanna is given is a sword. It leads to a very high rate of infant and parent mortality," Lyon pointed out helpfully._

"_Do you guys mind? You're always interrupting me. It's really rude!"_

"_Sorry," Lyon said contritely._

"_Whatever," Eirika said off-handedly._

_Ephraim sighed. "General Duessel tells me that I have a natural skill with the lance, but he also said that I'm such a sissy that I could never survive a combat situation. So… I guess there's no future for me."_

"_There is a future, Ephraim. You don't really have a choice," Lyon pointed out, "You will be king after your father dies. There is no avoiding that, just as there is no avoiding it for me."_

_Ephraim sighed. "Come on, he's never going to DIE."_

_Eirika sighed as well. "Now you've jinxed it. Less than two years from now, Dad gonna be dead."_

_Lyon glanced between the two, chuckling. "You… you two are so funny together. I can almost forgive you for not listening to my lessons," He glanced outside and exclaimed "It's almost time for formal lessons! We need to go to the Imperial Temple to meet Father MacGregor. If we're late, the punishment will be just as bad as if we failed our lessons!"_

_Eirika sighed dramatically, taking her good, sweet time about putting away her nail file and standing up, much to Lyon and Ephraim's chagrin. Ephraim shook his head. "It was terrible of fate to make you a girl, Eirika. You would make such a better king than I."_

_Eirika glared at her brother. "What? Terrible? What makes you think I want to be a boy?! I'll have you know that women are the superior gender."_

"_It's true," Lyon interjected, "Studies show that women are actually superior."_

_Ephraim glared at Lyon. "MUST you give her MORE ammo? Eirika, I was trying to compliment you!"_

"_I couldn't tell after the sexism."_

_Lyon laughed, and soon, Ephraim started as well. Eventually, Eirika managed a chuckle. Then the three started to make their way to the temple. As they did, Ephraim suddenly grinned. "What should we pray for over the Temple Flame?"_

"_The what?"_

_Lyon shook his head. "Tell me you haven't forgotten, Eirika. The flame? The torch that has been burning since the time of darkness ended?"_

"_That long? That's just ridiculous. Besides, if it's that big candle, I've seen them replace it at night." Lyon blanched at Eirika, who kept on walking without looking over. "I suppose I'll wish for… well… um… I don't know. I don't really buy into this praying business."_

_Ephraim was smiling. "I'm gonna pray to be stronger, so I can get out of being king and go be… something involving less social interaction!"_

_Lyon sighed. "I cannot condone using prayer as a wish list service. You're supposed to pray for a better world, or SOMETHING a bit more selfless."_

_Ephraim smiled at Lyon. "Come on, don't tell me you don't have a selfish request. Let's hear it, Mr High and Noble."_

_Lyon paused. "I suppose… I suppose I would pray to be like my father. I don't know who else there could be that I would want to be more like…"_

* * *

END FLASHBACK. YOU ARE NOW FREE TO OPEN YOUR EYES AND NOT LOSE THEM.

* * *

"Lyon… I wonder…" Eirika sighed, "I wonder where he is, what he's doing. Surely he doesn't condone what's happening. I'm sure that if anyone in Grado would oppose this, it would be Lyon. But…"

"Lyon would never argue with his father," Ephraim pointed out, "He _worships_ the crazy old fart. I doubt Lyon would do anything to fight with his father."

Eirika shook her head, then looked straight down into the river's currents. "Lyon… some day, I know the three of us will be together again. Like it used to be…"

* * *

Within the shadowy halls of the monolithic and decidedly gloomy and depressing Tower of Valni, four mysterious figures that have been revealed by now and so won't be called mysterious figures henceforth slunk about. Terel hid in a shadowy corner, waiting for a particularly slow Frelian guard to move, then motioned for his lackeys to follow. Tethys, looking rather out of place in her skimpy pink outfit, danced across the hallway to another shadowy corner. Marisa, looking rather in place in her black leather and chains, stumped across, scowling. Gerik, looking rather unhappy, dragged his feet. Terel rolled his eyes and merely walked.

"Alright, look," the assassin said, "We're on the highest floor. All we need to do is get up these stairs, go left twice, go down another hallway, go right, avoiding the guards, sneak up to the altar, smash the Sacred Stone, and then get out of here without being caught and subsequently executed."

Gerik scowled. "Gee, is that all? I thought this was going to be difficult and dangerous."

"What's new!? We're always in horrible danger of dying! And I never manage to get killed! When will some happy dagger pierce my dark, dead heart and end my eternal misery upon this miserable world of misery!"

"SHUSH!" Terel hissed, "You're too loud! Must you always shout when you're moaning?"

Terel looked up to notice that they were surrounded by Frelian soldiers in their usual NPC green armor. He sighed, then shouted "RUN!"

The assassin darted away, ducking under the spears of the green knights. Tethys followed his example, though she added in a pirouette for some reason. Marisa stumped over and pushed them out of her way, muttering angry imprecations at them. Which left Gerik, who was neither agile nor threateningly psycho enough to get away. He sighed, hefting his broadsword.

Terel, Tethys, and Marisa made their way down the earlier described winding passages to the altar, the crown jewel of Valni, where the greenish Sacred Stone awaited. It was protected by a huge knight wearing the armor of a general. Terel sighed, keeping the two women with him, hidden from sight. "We'll need to be clever about this."

"Are you kidding?" Marisa asked, scowling, "Clever? Just having Tethys here lowers our cleverness values to the negatives."

Tethys glared at the pink-haired myrmidon. "That is so untrue! I am not an unintelligent person! I'll have you know that it is completely unfair and extremely stupid to judge someone by appearance, which really shouldn't apply to me anyway because I'm not only gorgeous but my beautiful face just exudes intelligence as well! However, you on the other hand look and undoubtedly are insane and unwashed! You are a scruffy, rude little nutter who deserves to die a horrible death for calling the much prettier and far more intelligent Tethys something so rude! Why-"

"Excellent strategy, Marisa. The general just fell over, foaming at the mouth."

"Thank you. I'm glad SOMEONE appreciates me!"

Tethys blinked. "Strategy? What?"

Terel turned to the dancer. "We used your extremely obnoxious monologue to kill the general in a way that defies anything that makes sense. Sure, it's kinda underhanded, but that's okay, because he's dead now."

Tethys blinked, trying to figure out if she was being insulted in some way, when Gerik finally caught up, bloodied and tired. "I-I got most of them. There are two still following me…"

Marisa sighed and stumped off to deal with them while Terel ran to the Sacred Stone. He hefted it, somewhat surprised that it was so large and heavy, bigger than his hand. Hefting it with no small effort, he turned to smile at his companions. "See? Precious… treasures… are never… hard… to… oh geez, I'm gonna-"

Terel tripped, and the Stone skidded away, sliding across the floor and smashing against a pillar.

Immediately afterward, the entire tower was rocked violently, everything and everyone shaking. Terel looked around, then looked down to see that he was floating over the floor. Before he had a chance to celebrate his newfound levitation power, he realized that he was being held up by powerful winds that then slammed him into a wall, as well as Gerik and Tethys.

A small tornado formed over the remains of the Stone, which was oddly unaffected by the raging winds all around. The tornado coalesced into a solid form, that of a woman with a long braid, holding a large spear. She glared at the people standing around, then vanished.

* * *

"NO! H-how can this be? My poor, poor babies! Oh WHY?! WHY OH CRUEL HEAVENS HAVE YOU VISITED THIS TRAGEDY ON ME?! Have I not suffered enough? Has my heart not already been crushed beneath the harsh boots of cruel reality enough? Must I receive a new loss every day, just to keep my tear ducts well oiled? When will the sorrow END?!"

"For goodness' sake, Lorraine, it's only checkers!"

Queen Lorraine removed her hand from her eyes, breaking her grief-stricken pose to glare hatefully at King Hayden. "I realize that! It's just that I am a very competitive person! This was the ONLY game that Fado could beat me in!"

Hayden's eyes widened, and he tugged on his gray ponytail in distress. "I see. I'm sorry for being so insensitive. This game must bring up painful memories of your late husband…"

"Yeah! Painful memories of losing to him!" Lorraine slumped back in her chair, sulking, while Hayden stared at her, trying to comprehend the mind of a power-hungry matriarch.

Tana happened to stroll by then, nose buried in a magazine. Hayden looked up, then stood to call for her. "Tana? Come here, I want to talk to you."

The Frelian princess glanced over, sighed dramatically, and stomped over, looking sullen and generally teenager-ish. Queen Lorraine rolled her eyes as soon as she saw the blue-haired girl nearby. "What _is _it, _Daddy_?"

"Can't you take a moment to talk to your father? I'm not that grotesquely embarrassing!" King Hayden laughed jovially, but puttered out when neither of the women with him joined in.

Tana rolled her eyes in an over exaggerated way. "Why _are_ you_ so_ lame, _Daddy_? _Can't_ you _see_ I'm _trying_ to _read_ my '_Teen_ Prince _Hotties_ Monthly' _magazine_? You _know_ how _I_ don't _like_ to _be_ interrupted!"

King Hayden arched an eyebrow. "'Hottie'? What in the world is that? Some sort of feverish person? Let me see that."

Tana snatched the magazine away from her father's reaching hand. "_No_! It's _mine_! _I_ don't _put _my _hands_ all _over_ your _Golf_ Magazines!"

"Why do you keep putting emphasis on every other word? It's extremely annoying," Hayden snatched for the magazine again, managing to get it this time. He looked at the first page, and his eyes bulged. "By all that is sacred, what is this drivel?! Half-naked men?! This is highly inappropriate for young princesses to re- IS THAT INNES IN HIS SKIVVIES?!"

Queen Lorraine snatched the magazine from King Hayden, staring at the picture. She put a hand over her mouth to suppress the evil giggles. "He's, er, quite attractive Hayden! Has your… your… your HAIR COLOR!"

While she cackled hysterically, Tana snatched the magazine back, tearing out the page on Innes. "He's _gross_! The _only_ reason _I_ had _it_ near _that_ page _was_ because _EPHIE_ is _on_ the _other_ side!"

Lorraine's cackles broke off with a choke of horror. She snatched the magazine back, staring in shocked fury at the picture of her son, shirtless, posing with his spear in an oddly heroic way. Then it was Hayden's turn to cackle hysterically, until Lorraine threw the magazine at him to shut him up. "When did he do this?! My baby is an innocent little lamb with the self-esteem of a tsetse fly, which I have no right to know of since no such insect exists in Magvel!"

"I wish we had those," Hayden complained, "These cursed mitzi flies are much more annoying."

Tana rolled her eyes as she grabbed her magazine. "He _obviously_ did _it_ after _you_ sent _him_ off _to_ Grado_ to_ try _to_ fight _the_ Grado."

"I think she's more focused on emphasizing every other word than what she's actually saying," Hayden mused, still fuming over the fact that his son was an underwear model being ogled at by his own sister.

Tana rolled her eyes again. "What _is _it _that _you _just _had _to _talk _to_ me _about_?"

"Oh yes, I was hoping there might have been some news from Eirika or Innes (the son whom I now intend to spurn)."

"Hayden, you need to work on keeping the inner monologues _inside_ your head," Queen Lorraine scolded.

Princess Tana tapped her chin thoughtfully with the rolled up magazine, then had an epiphany. "Innes just got here! He was all grumpy and gloomy, as usual, going on and on about how great he was, so I decided to shun him and plot how I would blackmail him with this undies picture of him!" She blinked, "Crapadoodledoo! I forgot to emphasize! Now how am I going to sound COOL?!"

The King of Frelia rolled his eyes, then turned to see a messenger run into the room. "Your Grace! Princess Eirika just returned with Prince Ephraim and a whole army of ragamuffins! Shall we drive them out with pitchforks and torches?"

"Well…" Hayden turned to see Lorraine glaring warningly at him, "No, better let them in."

The messenger shrugged and ran off, while Lorraine stood up, wiping her eyes. "How perfectly timely! They're finally back! Oh, my son!" She ran off, shoving Hayden out of the way as she ran for her children. The King managed to regain her balance until he was shoved aside again by his daughter, who was squealing about seeing someone named "Ephie-weffie-doodle-oo".

Hayden sighed. "Women."

* * *

The rather large group entered the entrance hall of Castle Frelia, and were immediately assaulted by guards with pitchforks. Moulder sighed at their greeting. Then another soldier showed up, yelling at the men to stop. They grumbled, but stopped trying to drive their guests off.

Ephraim had barely had a chance to dust himself off after being shoved to the ground by a particularly zealous guard when he detected a high-pitched squeal that made his blood curdle. "Oh- oh _hell_ no! Eirika, hide me! It's… it's _her_!"

Tana leapt out of nowhere, tackling Ephraim to the ground and causing him to skid several yards away across the marble floor. "Ephie! ZOMG, I missed you, like, so much, and I'm so, like, happy to see you again and now you've had a change of heart since you, like, had to deal with all those near-death experiences, so you'll now be much more accepting of my all-encompassing love and we'll, like, be together forever and have lots of kids and name all the boys Ephie and all the girls Tana and grow old together and be cremated together so that our ashes can be mixed and we can be together forever in the afterlife forever and ever and ever and-"

"Eirika! SAVE ME! I BEG of you! She did that meaningless zomg noise again! EIRIKA, PLEASE!"

Eirika sighed, walked over, and pried Tana off her brother. "Hello, Tana. Nice to see you. Remember me, your friend Eirika? The one who has been through hell and back? I'm fine, thank you for asking. Just traumatized by the loss of my homeland and my father and all the horrors of war that I had to face. It's so good to know that you care enough about me to ask these questions."

Tana paused in her maddened attempts to reach Ephraim to glance back at Eirika. "Oh, hi Eikie. I'd talk to you, but I can't keep my hand off your smoking hot brother."

"Oh, how sweet. It's good to know that you aren't the least bit obsessed with my only sibling. Where's my mother?"

As if on cue, as these things always seem to go, Queen Lorraine swept into the hall, as upright and dignified as always, brushing past soldiers and the ragtag band that had formed around the twins to reach her children. She looked at them sternly, then managed a smile of obvious relief. "Ephraim… Eirika… You're…"

Ephraim stood to approach his mother. "Moth-"

"DON'T YOU EVER SCARE ME LIKE THAT AGAIN YOU LITTLE IDIOT! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW WORRIED I WAS?! GETTING LOST IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ENEMY EMPIRE IN THE MIDDLE OF A WAR?! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!"

Ephraim cringed back. "But- but- but you told me to go on a military campaign…"

"I told you to go bother some soldiers inside Renais! I didn't tell you to go charging off into the heart of the Grado Empire with nothing but an experience hog, our best tactician, and two cavaliers!"

"Wow, I'm here not even five minutes, and I'm already being belittled." Mathwin sighed, feeling ignored.

The Queen glanced around at the assembled soldiers, shaking her head. "Where did you get these people? It looks like you gathered the very dregs of society, the dirty, worthless, downtrodden scum off the streets. The only exceptions I see are Franz and Kyle. Oh, and you Karson."

Seth cleared his throat. Queen Lorraine glanced airily at him, then turned away, leaving Seth one unhappy paladin, turning away huffily.

Eirika cleared her throat as well, then went up to hug her mother. The two squeezed each other in a completely affection-less way, apparently for show, although all it accomplished was further depressing most of the people already in there. "Hello, Mother. I succeeded."

"Obviously," Lorraine said.

"Hey!" Gilliam shouted, "That's my line!"

Eirika ignored the cut-in by the green knight of Frelia, "There are some… interesting things we'll need to discuss with King Hayden. It looks like this war is just going to keep going on. I'm not sure there's a way to ever restore Renais. Also, there were certain… treacheries."

"Oh, you mean Forde and Orson? No worries. We were already suspicious of Orson, and Forde's actually under orders to pretend to work for Grado in order to subvert as many of their higher-ranking officers as possible."

Mathwin fell over. "You just spoiled a huge plot twist you crazy woman!"

"Wait a minute…" Ephraim blinked, then glared accusingly at his mother, "You sent Orson with me _knowing_ that he would probably betray me?!"

Lorraine put a finger to her lip. "Hm… yep, that's about what I did."

The Prince blinked, gaping. "Y-you! How could you? I'm your son!"

"I had to do _something_ to put some backbone in you," the Queen said.

"So you sent me with our strongest paladin who you thought would probably stab me in the back? I am SO bringing this up with child services!"

"Oh, I doubt that," Queen Lorraine grabbed Tana's magazine, which she had dropped when she had tackled Ephraim, and opened to the page showing the Prince of Renais in his tighty whities. Ephraim blinked at it, then his eyes bulged, "All I have to do is nail this on a wall somewhere, and for your entire career as king, you'll be a laughingstock!"

"M-Mom! You're blackmailing me? With a picture I don't even remember having taken?"

Eirika studied the picture (and no, it was not because she was contemplating twincest you dirty-minded people) and shook her head. "How can you have a picture taken of you while you're posing in your underwear and not know about it?"

"Good question! Tell me the answer when you figure it out, then tell me who did it so I can go beat the snot out of them!" Ephraim paused, then fixed his sentence, "Send somebody to go beat the snot out of them!"

"Regardless," Queen Lorraine said, rolling up the magazine, "I now have you under my thumb, in my thrall, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Want to rethink your little threat about child services? I'm sure they'd reconsider their verdict when the realize that you post in your undergarments when I'm not watching."

Ephraim started to speak, then closed his mouth with an audible click, nodding sullenly. Lorraine smiled evilly.

Tana had been uncharacteristically silent, then started squealing again. This time, however, it was out of disgust. "Ew, it's _Innes_. What do _you_ want?"

"Oh heavens," Queen Lorraine sighed, "She's doing the italics again."

Into the hall strutted the Prince of Frelia, Innes. His inexplicable gray hair was combed and styled perfectly, his outfit was impeccable. The only thing not picture-perfect was the sneer habitually plastered on his face. He approached, sneering at everyone around him in general, and turning his nose up once or twice for dramatic effect. "So, Eirika and Ephraim. How… peachy to have you here."

Ephraim scowled at Innes. "Yeah, great to see you too." Eirika merely nodded at him.

Tana sneered back at him. "I see you miraculously managed to not be killed by the Grado soldiers."

"You expected otherwise?" Innes asked haughtily, "Those weak little Grado fools can't touch me. I may only be able to harm them if they're a full yard away, but outside those three feet they all drop like flies. Of the mitzi variety, I might add, those annoying little ones that crawl up your nose."

"Thanks for sharing," Eirika said distastefully.

Innes turned back to the royal family of Renais. "I've told you before and I tell you again, letting Grado walk all over you has given them ample morale and opportunity to strike. And look what's happened: Renais is in ruins, occupied by the forces of Emperor Vigarde, and probably irretrievable. I hate to be a told you so (and believe me, I don't ) but, well, I told you so."

Queen Lorraine scowled at Innes. "You should show a bit more respect, boy. You may be prince, but until your father dies, you neither my nor my son's equal. He is, after all, King, and I the Queen Regent."

Innes sniffed. "Not much of a title to be Queen Regent over a dead country that is controlled by another country."

Tana glared at her brother. "They've already lost their country and their father/husband! Can't you be at least a little bit civil?"

Innes paused. "I was very sorry to hear of King Fado's death. He was… hm… well, now that I put my mind to it, I can't think of any fitting compliments. Unless, of course, you consider 'spineless coward' a compliment, and in your father's case, it may actually be. Anyway, I have more important things to do, such as plan how to fight off the Grado Empire. After all, I still have a kingdom that needs protection." With that, Prince Innes turned and walked away in his usual arrogant way.

Tana huffed. "Sorry, Ephie-poo. He can be so… so rude! He didn't mean it, I'm sure."

Karson, who had been rather annoyed to be ignored for so long, finally found a place to shove her opinion in. "Didn't seem like he was kidding to me! I think he rather meant everything he said!"

Ephraim nodded. "Innes has always hated me."

"That's because he sees you as a rival!" Tana said cheerily.

"Um, well, no, not really. It's because he thinks I'm a weakling and wants to kill me off and marry Eirika so he can take over Renais and double the size of Frelia," Ephraim sighed, "He's never had any respect for me whatsoever."

"Awwwwwwwwwwww," Tana said, grabbing him in a disturbingly tight hug that made Ephraim suddenly look like he wanted to upchuck, "I respect you, Ephie-poo!"

Before Ephraim could pry her off, Innes came back into the hall. He saw Tana hugging him, and immediately fumed. "Trying to steal my sister, are you, you cad?! That's it, we duel to the death!"

"Wha-what? Nonono! It's not like- HOCRAP!" Ephraim dodged to the side to avoid an arrow. Tana's added weight caused him to collapse to the floor, with Tana landing on him in a rather unfortunate manner that merely made Innes angrier.

Meanwhile, the arrow that missed flew past Vanessa, causing her pegasus to do the usual fly-straight-up-in-the-air thing, pinged off Gilliam's armor, and stuck in Ross' backside. Everyone around made a sympathetic moan of pain, but the pirate wannabe didn't seem to notice. In fact, he had to turn around, do a tripe take, poke it, twang it, and then practice his pirate lingo for ten minutes before he finally screamed in pain.

Ten minutes before that (as in, back to the present) Queen Lorraine managed to steal a piece of plasticy paper from Tana. She marched over to where Innes was trying to aim his bow at Ephraim without hitting his sister and shoved the picture in his face. "Look familiar?"

Innes blinked, then turned pale. "Aw hell, I thought I told them not to put that in there! Goes to show you what happens when you try to bribe merchants from Carcino! What's your price, she-devil?"

"Oh, not much. For one, stop trying to kill my son," Innes immediately put his bow away, "As for the rest of the favor…"

"Oh no," Innes said to her coolly, "That's all. You only get one thing," With that, he grabbed the picture from the dumbfounded Queen and tore it up, "See? No one screws the Prince of Frelia over… twice," he turned to where Ephraim was both cowering and desperately trying to pry Tana off him, "Royal… family of Renais, you are requested to join us in the council room for a council of war. Everyone else can remain out here."

Kyle raised his hand, waving it about desperately. Lorraine rolled her eyes and pointed at him. "Can I come? Since I'm the only one of Ephraim's party still here."

"Ahem!" Karson and Zonta glared at Kyle, until Karson elbowed the mercenary in the stomach to get him to go away.

Queen Lorraine rolled her eyes. "Alright, Karson and Kyle can come too. And Seth, I guess, since he's the acting advisor for Eirika until we find a better one."

"Gee, thanks," Seth muttered, following the younger cavalier and the tactician.

Mathwin glanced around, then cleared his throat rather loudly. Lorraine rolled her eyes again. "I guess Mathwin can come too."

"Wait! I must come as well!" Natasha darted forward, causing Queen Lorraine to sigh, "I must speak to King Hayden! Someone must help me save all of Magvel!"

"Oh, me too! Me too!" Artur darted forward, "I am the ambassador of Rausten I must be present at the war council so that Pope Mansel has no choice but to side with Renais!"

"Goodness! All you…" Lorraine shook her head, "Fine, just hurry up."

Innes shook his head. "I just said… oh never mind. If these people get unruly, it's on your head, _King_ Ephraim! Tana, please let him go. You can't come."

With an overly drawn out "aw", Tana released the Prince of Renais and huddled on the floor to grumble angrily.

* * *

Within the war room, King Hayden waited on his throne, along with the senior officers of the Frelian army. Hayden stood up to greet them, smiling warmly. "It is so good to see you two home again."

"But father, I never left!"

"I appreciate the sentiment nonetheless father-"

Innes and Tana glared at their father as he ran forward to hug Ephraim and Eirika, utterly ignoring his own children. When he was done making the twins uncomfortable, he backed away to show that his smile was fading. "Sadly, these are not the happy circumstances under which I had hoped to bring you back here. Magvel is enveloped in war, and Grado shows no signs of wanting to end this. Innes, report on the state of the Frelian front."

Innes scowled at his father, but began anyway. "I've commanded the army to hold the Grado army off at the border. So far, we've been able to hold back the army, which appears to be under the command of Selena Fluorspar and one of the new generals, one Caellach Tiger Eye. There have been a few breaches, but we've always managed to drive them back," Innes cleared his throat then, looking uncomfortable. "There was one substantial loss. Fort Rigwald was taken over by an invasion force, and we've been unable to win it back as yet."

Hayden waved his hand dismissively. "Rigwald is useless. It's been taken over seven times in the last _month_ of peace! Besides, we have better forts between Rigwald and here. We're fine. Of course, there are other problems that must be addressed. Why did Grado invade in the first place?"

"I think that's rather obvious," Queen Lorraine said haughtily, "Fado always let Vigarde walk all over him. It's only natural that they have now walked over us and taken over the country. Isn't that the aspiration of every empire? To take over other countries, like we weak little monarchies?

The blonde cleric Natasha shook her head, coming forward. "That- that is not Vigarde's goal! What he really wants is to steal the Sacred Stones… and destroy them! He's already broken the Stone of Grado, and murdered my mentor, Father MacGregor, who tried to stop him!"

Ephraim gaped. "The Sacred Stones? Why? Why would he want to bring evil down upon us?"

"Evil?" Lorraine asked incredulously, "Oh please, Ephie, you are so naïve. You really think that those silly little rocks can hold back the legions of darkness that don't exist anyway? The Sacred Stones are merely symbols. Which leads one to believe why Vigarde would care enough to bother hunting them down and shattering them."

Natasha stamped her staff in frustration. "But- but you don't understand! This is a terrible threat to our world! The Sacred Stones are all that hold the Demon King from returning to the world to ravage it with his endless evil!"

"Oh please," Innes sighed, "That is so cliché. Why is everyone so convinced of this hackneyed plot? Isn't there the vague possibility that there is a more in-depth force at work here?"

Tana shook her head. "I'm a teenager! I can't be bothered with _complexity_!"

King Hayden raised his hands for quiet. "In any case, the Stone of Frelia is completely safe. It is protected in the Tower of Valni, where no Grado soldier can ever possibly get it! In fact, it's impossible for anyone to get in there and break it! There is no possible way for the Sacred Stone to be-"

Just then, a soldier ran into the room. "Your Grace! The Tower of Valni has been breached! The Sacred Stone has been destroyed! All the men were run out by horrible monsters!"

Hayden stared at him, then sighed. "Right, well, I suppose there was a _small_ possibility…"

Innes threw his hands up in the air (and if you have been following along, you should know by now that this does not mean he literally removed and threw them) in exasperation. "Why does this matter? The Sacred Stones are worthless trinkets!"

"If you will allow me to point out the evidence to the contrary," Artur ventured, "For one, the Grado were dedicated enough to capturing the Sacred Stone to invade Frelia and break into the most fortified structure in Frelia, after the castle. Also, as soon as the Sacred Stone was destroyed, the Tower was suddenly filled with monsters."

Queen Lorraine nodded reluctantly. "I suppose you have a point."

Hayden sighed, rubbing his temple in frustration, "That's three Sacred Stones shattered now, then."

"Two," Lorraine pointed out, "The Stone of Renais is safe."

"But Mother," Eirika finally piped up, "The Grado swept into our capital. If they were intending to steal the Sacred Stone, they would have gone straight to the Temple to take it. There is simply no chance that it survived."

"That is where you're wrong, Princess," Seth said, smiling, until Lorraine shoved him away.

"I'm talking here, you sub-par paladin! The Sacred Stone in the temple is fake. The real one is hidden in the castle, locked away by the power of the Solar and Lunar Braces, that we ingeniously entrusted to our children to wear around their wrists!" Queen Lorraine beamed at her own intelligence, "I trust you two still have them."

"Of course! Keep it with me at all times!" Ephraim smiled good-naturedly, holding up his arm to show the Solar Brace he was wearing.

Everyone turned to Eirika, who was glancing around uncomfortably. "Well… I, er… Tirado took it from me…"

Lorraine sighed. "Should have seen this coming, I guess. Of course, it's all Seth's fault. Now who in hell is Tirado?"

Hayden sighed. "We still have one of the bracelets, so the Stone is safe… for now. But the question remains: why is Grado trying to destroy the Sacred Stones? What does Vigarde gain from shattering them?"

Ephraim cleared his throat. "I'm not sure if it relates, but I met-"

Suddenly, the door to the war room burst open, and by burst, it is implied that the doors were torn off their hinges and thrown aside. In marched a very wet and angry little girl with soggy indigo hair and a red dress, her eyes burning with figurative flames of fury. The senior Frelian officers, who had remained quiet in order to allow the important characters to talk, ran to stop her, but were tossed aside.

The little girl jumped at Eirika, who was shoved out of the way by Seth at the last minute, and slammed into the table at the center of the room. Hayden blinked. "Um, who is this?"

"Oh, sorry everyone," Ephraim adjusted his collar nervously, "This is Myrrh. I-"

"Ahem! I'll tell the story here!" Karson shoved Ephraim aside, "_My_ brilliant plan resulted in rescuing her from a group of thugs that had her prisoner. Lady Myrrh claims to be an envoy from an ancient village, sent to root out a wave of evil coming from Grado."

"Of course," Innes rolled his eyes, "More clichés. It never ends, does it?"

"_Teenager_, Innes! No _complexity_ for me!" Tana stuck her tongue out at him.

Mathwin leaned over to Seth, "Shocking how alike Lorraine and Karson are, isn't it? Must be why they get along so well."

Kyle raised his hand. Ephraim, Karson, and Queen Lorraine all pointed at him while Hayden blinked, flabbergasted. Kyle looked over at Myrrh. "She said she's a Manakete. Perhaps that is important!"

Karson scowled. "I was getting to that! She said she was a Manakete."

Hayden blinked, flabbergasted again. "What's a Manakete?"

Myrrh jumped up, standing on the table, which caused the King of Frelia to fall back in his chair in shock. "What's a Manakete?! We're only the race of dragons that saved your fool asses back in the ancient war with the Demon King! Who do you THINK managed to overpower him long enough for you losers to use your stupid Sacred Stones to stupidly trap him instead of outright killing him?! None other than I, Myrrh, the Great Dragon! Bow before my greatness! Praise me for my boundless selflessness!"

Innes shook his head. "The hackneyed plots never cease!"

"I was staying in the village of Caer Pelyn, which is hidden in the mountains of Carcino. The Wise Woman felt an ominous wave of energy coming from the south, so being the wonderful deity I am, I agreed to investigate, with a sage named Saleh as my guide. But we were separated when he went to the bathroom, ie, the bushes, and then I was kidnapped. They took my dragonstone and ran off with it after Ephraim saved me. Then I followed them around, until they vanished after the little Renvall incident, and then Greenielocks showed up and MOCKED ME, so I've sworn an everlasting vendetta against her!"

Ephraim blinked, "You've sworn a vendetta against my sister?"

Myrrh choked. "Sister? But you look nothing ali- hey! You guys are practically identical! Are you twins or something?"

Eirika rolled her eyes. Ephraim cleared his throat. "I didn't believe her at first, but then I saw her wings, and what could I do?"

"Test to see if they were fake?" Eirika pointed out. Myrrh glared at her.

Hayden sighed. "Regardless, we must decide on our next course of action. The Stones of Frelia and Grado are destroyed. Apparently, the stone of Renais is 'safe' for now. But Jehanna and Rausten are still in danger."

"Not so!" Artur piped up again, "Rausten is defended by the best and brightest knights in the land! Pope Mansel is a wise ruler! No Grado army can ever breach it!"

* * *

"Your Eminence! You called?"

Pope Mansel stood. "Yes! Take this down, Chancellor! First, I want you to pull all the funding from our defense and military and put it into researching how to turn poodles into gold and so maximize our profits! Second, I want you to start killing all the citizens that dare to speak out against my 'reforms' of the tax system! Third, I want you to invite Emperor Vigarde to tea for tomorrow. I still want to know if this whole alliance thing will work out, because from here, it rather looks like Renais is screwed. Got all that?"

The chancellor was gaping at the Pope. "Uh… yeah, sure, right."

* * *

"As I was saying," King Hayden continued after Artur's interruption, "We must send envoys to Rausten and Jehanna and aid them! I will find our worthiest diplomats."

"That'd be me," Innes rubbed his hand on his shirt in an arrogant manner, "As Prince, I would be the ideal diplomat. I will head to Jehanna and speak with Queen Ismaire."

"_You_?!" Tana squealed in fury, "Daddy, Innes is a big jerk head! You can't send _him_ as a diplomat! He'd make Queen Ismaire _cry_!"

Hayden sighed. "Innes is going anyway! Now, who shall we send to Rausten…"

"Me!" shouted Ephraim.

Lorraine scowled at him. "You have to go to Grado and fearlessly cut through the empire's greatest armies in order to strike at the heart of it!"

Ephraim paled. "What?! Are you crazy? I'd get killed! I'd rather do the safe thing and go to Rausten!"

Eirika shrugged. "I could lead the forces to Grado. Sounds like more fun than going on the safe journey to Rausten."

"Boring is fine with me!" Mathwin shouted.

"Whiney little coward!" Karson shouted back, "Eirika, I just want you to know that I'm with you all the way to the capital! Anything to get away from Ephraim and get into the real action!"

"No no no no NO!" Lorraine shouted, "Ephraim, you will lead the army into Grado! Eirika, you will act as envoy to Rausten! And that's FINAL!"

Ephraim pouted. "But… but… why?"

"Because I'm a sexist and I prefer to keep things traditional! And that's that!"

Karson sighed. "Well then I'm going to Rausten!"

"Nuh uh!" Mathwin shouted, "You already called dibs on Grado, so you're STUCK with it!" Karson thought about it, then cursed wildly.

Hayden shrugged. "Well, works for me."

Ephraim gaped at him. "You're not going to try to stop me? I'm going into the _heart_ of the _evil empire_! Certain death, dude! Why the hell don't you tell them that it's absurd!"

Hayden shrugged. "I don't mind. Someone has to distract Grado long enough for us to plan some way to actually win! And you're rather convenient. The real question is how we are going to provide you and Eirika _and_ Innes with enough troops to keep you all safe. We just don't have enough Frelian soldiers to spare."

Queen Lorraine snorted. "What about those knights standing idly about the entrance hall, doing nothing?"

"They, uh, don't count. Anyway, we could hire some mercenaries for Innes, and Eirika could keep her retinue that she gathered during her campaign. Ephraim can use the soldiers we can spare. Perhaps we should split Eirika's party, since she doesn't really need all those people where she's going."

Eirika sighed. "I suppose. We'll work that out outside. Is this meeting over?"

"Yes yes," Hayden sighed, "I just.. I wish we did not have to stoop to sending our children to fight our battles. If Fado were here…"

"He'd be hiding under his throne, shivering," Lorraine cut in, "There is no point in whining about what cannot be. We can only move on."

Ephraim shifted uncomfortably. "You don't need to be so harsh, Mother…"

* * *

"Everyone!" Seth clapped his hands, getting the attention of all the soldiers who had been gathered under Eirika, "We have new orders! Half of us will be heading out for Rausten, and the other half will head for Grado!"

"I call Rausten!" Moulder shouted. Vanessa raised her hand, apparently calling it too.

Ephraim scowled. "Doesn't anyone want to be with me?"

"I do!" Franz rode forward, "Forde is in Grado! I must go to my brother!"

"At least you know he's not a bad guy now, though," Mathwin pointed out.

Franz stared at him. "He's not?!"

"What, you missed that whole conversation?" Mathwin shook his head, bemused, while Karson sighed.

"I'm going with Prince Ephraim as well," Seth said, grinning evilly at Eirika, "I can't stand being with her for another-"

"Actually Seth," Lorraine said, entering the room, "You're staying with Eirika as her advisor type person." Seth's face fell, and fell even further when Eirika smiled wickedly at him.

Joshua mused for a moment. "Jehanna is close to Rausten, is it not? I believe I will go with Princess Eirika. I'm sure she could use my blade."

Neimi smiled. "I'm going with Eirika too!"

Colm blanched. "Th-then so am I!"

Ephraim sighed. "Nobody likes me."

Kyle raised his hand. Ephraim sighed again and pointed at him. "I am always at your side, my Prince! Always and always and always!"

Zonta ran forward. "I'm not supposed to be here cause I'm not a real character and I'm basically ignored by the narration, but I'm with you anyway!"

Artur stepped over to Ephraim. "For the sake of all Rausten, I will accompany you and do my utmost to battle the evils that plague Grado at your side," he turned to smile at Lute, "And I hope that you will accompany-"

"I'm going to Rausten," Lute announced, "I sense more experience along that route." Artur's face fell, but Lute did not notice.

Natasha cleared her throat. "Since Father Moulder is going with Eirika, I feel that I should go with Ephraim, so that he can be sure to have a healer. Also, I know a bit about the geography of Grado. I can be of great help."

Karson sniffed. "How do we know you won't stab us in the back?"

Natasha blanched. "I'm a cleric! I am physically incapable of wielding any sort of stabbing weapon!"

Ephraim touched Karson on the arm. "It's alright. She can come."

Ross jumped around. "I wanna go to Grado! I'm gonna be a heroic pirate of heroicness!"

Garcia's eyes bulged. "What?! No way! You can't- I mean, Ross, you-"

"Accepted. The kid's stupid, but he looks strong," Karson said off-handedly.

Garcia cursed. "Then I'm with-"

"Me," Eirika said, grabbing him by the arm and dragging him away from his son, "No way Ephraim gets all the axe-users. You people can take Gilliam."

Gilliam sighed. "Obviously. I hate being picked last…"

"What about ME?!" Myrrh ran in, glaring at everyone in general.

"I guess you're staying with me…" Ephraim, Karson, Kyle, and Myrrh all sighed at once.

* * *

As they prepared to go, Ephraim and Eirika stopped for a moment to speak.

"Well… looks like this is it. We're off in completely different directions. You off on a safe little trip to visit a power-hungry theocrat, and me off to get myself killed fighting a power-hungry emperor."

"Oh stop complaining, Ephraim," The twins paused for a while in silence, neither looking at the other. Finally, their gazes met again. "Well… good bye. We'll meet again, and by then, I hope this is all over."

"Yes… be safe, Eirika."

"You too."

* * *

The Prince of Grado, Lyon, stood on the balcony of his room in the castle, watching the night sky, alone. He sighed, running a hand through his light colored hair. After a moment, he spoke, as if to himself. "Are you there, God? It's me, Lyon."

"**For heaven's sake, kid, I'm not God! I've told you that over and over and OVER, and you don't get it! This world doesn't even HAVE a deity referred to as God! Instead we have the fairly vague concept of Light!"**

"I-I'm sorry, sir. I just… don't know what else to call you."

"…**Call me the Patron Saint of Neglected Children. After what I've had to put up with, I SHOULD be canonized. Of course, the corrupt theocracy of this so-called Rausten would probably screw me over on a technicality."**

"Um, alright your Saintliness."

An ethereal sigh. **"Well, what was it you wanted, Lyon?"**

"Well… What we're doing… does it make sense? I've been pondering the morals, and it is slowly making less and less sense to me…"

"**Lyon, you want your father, correct? You want him to stay alive?"**

"Well, yes…"

"**Then you know you still need me, until we can find a way to… well, make his life permanent. Unless, that is, you want him to keel over sooner or later and leave you to rule over the Grado Empire."**

"N-no. You're right, Saint. You're always right. I'm sorry for bothering you."

"**Not a problem, Lyon. I'm not some cruel and inhospitable demon of endless cruelty and apathy that gets his kicks from manipulating pure-hearted people into doing horrible and abominable crimes against humanity."**

"I know, I know," Lyon paused, "But… thank you. For being… my friend. I've needed one, lately…"

"…**Friend. Of course, Lyon. That's what we are. Friends."**

* * *

Author's Note: Sorry for how long this took. I'd like to say that it took forever because I was hard at work, but the real reason is that I was feeling lazy. Anyway, twenty pages! That's a new record for this particular parody. Go team me. 


	16. Chapter Nine EI: Distant Blade

-1**Chapter Nine EI: Distant Blade**

_Having reunited, the twins of Renais are forced to split once more. Ephraim heads south into heart-stopping, breathlessly exciting, nonstop, action-packed danger, with the possibility of incredible experience, rewards, and glory._

_Eirika meanwhile, is going on a boat ride to a moronic tyrant, miles and miles away from the action. As one might imagine, it's not going to be the most exciting journey. Of course, as per the laws of RPGness, it'll turn out later that she was wrong about how safe her journey will be. But you probably already figured that out._

* * *

In Grado Keep, all was not well, as usual. The six generals had gathered once more, with Selena Fluorspar and Caellach Tiger Eye the last to arrive from the Frelian front. With the Sacred Stone of Wind destroyed, Emperor Vigarde had recalled the army, which was absolutely bewildering for the generals, except for Riev, who chuckled at Verne's wisdom ("Vigarde. His name is VIGARDE!" "What did I say?").

Selena went straight to Duessel and Glen when she returned, and was upset to see that Glen was stumbling and swaying, obviously having been drinking not long ago. She started to reprimand him, but Duessel gave her a stern frown that told her to can it.

The other three generals stood about the hall, far from one another. Whatever bond held Duessel and his youthful partners together did not exist between the newest military leaders. In fact, Valter drew a straw from his bag and shot a spitball at Riev, right in the ear. After shouting "My brittle old man eardrum!" he glared at Valter, until the Wyvern Knight smiled innocently and pointed his finger at Caellach.

Finally, Emperor Vigarde, followed by his black-clad son, entered the hall. Lyon was fiddling with a perfectly smooth black stone, more intent on it than on where he was walking. He was saved from tripping over his own robes by walking headfirst into the throne. He looked up and glanced around nervously, and thus was not desperately tapping on his stone. While that happened, Vigarde stood perfectly still, frozen in midstep. The assembled generals (and shaman hiding in the usual dark corner) stared at Vigarde, gaping, until Lyon began fiddling with the stone again, and Vigarde resumed motion.

The Emperor sat on the throne, while Lyon stood beside him playing with his stone. With a din of clicking, Vigarde spoke. "The Stone of Frelia has been broken, but the Sacred Stone of Renais continues to elude us. This is inexcusable. We are dealing with two idiot children, the offspring of that mindless fool Fado. How is it that only one of their Braces, the keys to the Sacred Stone's hiding place, have come to us? Glen, Valter, come forward."

The two wyvern riding generals approached, Valter swaggering, Glen stumbling. Valter sneered when the Emperor began to narrate. "Vigarde glances between them, than begins to speak. 'Continue your earlier mission: Hunt down Eirika and Ephraim. One of them has the Solar Brace, but I want both of them. Bring them to me… alive."

Glen sighed. "Okay, for one thing, hic, it'sh jusht shtupid to ignore the Evil Overlord rulesh and demand them alive. What you should shay is 'Bring them back alive if it ish feashible!'. Shecond, I'm opposhed to all of thish immorality! It'sh jusht wrong! You can take your shtick of evil and shove it up your-"

Selena chose then to shriek at an incredible volume, so Glen's last words were drowned out. Meanwhile, Duessel tackled the drunken Wyvern Lord to the ground. Glen managed several slurred curses (most to the effect of "you shpoony general!"), but the older soldier managed to wrestle him to submission.

Valter snickered throughout the struggle, while Vigarde merely watched, his face devoid of anything resembling emotion. Lyon was too busy fiddling with his rock to say anything. Riev and Caellach were placing bets as to who would win, and Caellach cursed wildly as he paid the ancient bishop several coins. Knoll, in his hiding place, rolled his eyes.

When Glen was finally quiet, Vigarde continued as if he hadn't notice. "As if he hadn't noticed, Emperor Vigarde continues his orders. 'The other Sacred Stones must be take as quickly as possible. Caellach Tiger Eye, go to Jehanna. They will honor their alliance with Grado, or we will _force_ the Sacred Stone out of them. Make sure Ismaire is aware of the punishments awaiting those who betray Grado. If she needs an example, merely point to Renais.'"

Caellach sighed. "I have to go _back_ to that stinkhole? When I'm finally free? Geez, at least this visit will be a short and painful one… for Jehanna! Man, am I clever!"

"'Riev,' he says, looking at the grossly wrinkled and old fart," Riev harrumphed at the rather rude, though mostly accurate, description of him in Vigarde's narration, "Go to Rausten. It should not be difficult to persuade the greedy Pope Mansel to join us in exchange for his Sacred Stone. Make sure that he is aware of the rewards in store for those who ally with the Grado Empire."

Riev sighed as well, "Ally with Rausten? But I wanted to torch it. Those fools banished and excommunicated me. And for what? Sacrificing a few relatives to a dark god or two? What's the big deal? It was my son and daughter-in-law, I think I should decide what fate befalls them!" He turned away, smiling villainously, "I _do_ hope Mansel is willing to negotiate. Oh heh heh HEEEEEEE-" he broke off in a sudden fit of wheezing and coughing.

"Vigarde turns to Duessel. 'Go to the Frelian border. I expect that they will send a counterattack soon, and you will be waiting. Also, be on the lookout for the Renais royalty. I would not be surprised if one of them was foolish enough to charge into our midst.'"

Duessel cleared his throat. "Begging your pardon, Viggy, but what about Renais? It's still in a rather unattractive state of anarchy, and, well, you haven't done anything about it. Should I-"

"Orson is our servant. He will deal with the problems in Renais. If he does not, then we will deal with it after the war is over. Grado must always come first in our minds."

Duessel blinked. "What… Oh, okay then. I was worried you'd be all 'Who cares?! Renais stinks and I don't care about people!' It's good to see you still have a soul, your Grace! I was worried you were turning into some lame evil overlord!"

Vigarde stared lifelessly at Duessel, until he cleared his throat. "Anyway, I'll go fulfill my orders now. See ya Viggy!" The Obsidian general waited a moment, to see if the Emperor would do as he had used to: curse and howl angrily at Duessel's nickname for him. But the Emperor merely stared at him, eyes empty. Duessel nodded, then turned to leave the hall.

"General Selena," The blonde general jumped, then quickly saluted her emperor, "You shall remain in the Capital for now. Grado must always have one of you six here to defend this city. Later, I may have new orders for you."

"As you command, my Emperor!" With that, Vigarde rose to his feet in a way that might have reminded a viewer of how a wooden puppet is raised to its feet. With Lyon just beside him, Vigarde jerkily left the hall.

As the Emperor and his son entered the corridor outside the audience chamber, Duessel approached, apparently not having gone so far after all. From the door way to the chamber, Knoll and Selena silently watched as the oldest of Grado's generals approached his liege. "Emperor Viggy! May I- grant me one question!"

Vigarde and Lyon came to an abrupt halt, both turning, Vigarde to face him, Lyon apparently to get a better light for his weird rock thing. Vigarde stood silent for a moment before saying, with the usual clicking accompaniment, "You begin to tire me, General Duessel."

"Your Imperial Majesty, many years I have served Grado faithfully, never once putting my own life before that of my country. I have laid down my life numerous-"

"Is this a question or an ego-trip, Duessel? Hurry up and tell me what you want." Duessel blinked at Vigarde, then cleared his throat to continue.

"Your Grace, I… Why? Why are we waging this war? We have not officially claimed Renais, and we have ceased the invasion of Frelia. So why? Grado is gaining very little from this war. Why do we continue? What could drive this horrible conflict? Why do so many die for what seems like no reason?"

Vigarde rolled his eyes. "For one thing, what about all the looting and raiding gold we received after the sack of Renais? Silly me, but that seemed rather like a lot of gold to me. Therefore, we have gained something. Neener neener and such," Duessel blinked, confused, but then noticed that Vigarde was talking backwards, like some sort of rewind feature. Then Duessel inexplicably forgot that the Emperor had ever said that strange last sentence. "Therefore, we have gained something. Anyway, it doesn't really matter what you want, Duessel. I am Emperor. It is I who shall decide on the course of action for my empire. You will do as you are told."

Duessel gaped. "Punish me if that is what you want, but I beg of you, stop this war! Stop all the deaths! Stop the genocide, the devastation! Stop-"

"You stop. Go to Frelia, Duessel. Crush her army, and defend your country."

"But-"

"Have you gone deaf? Go to Frelia, crush her army, and defend your country. Or would you prefer to betray your people and serve the Prince of Renais that you so love?"

Duessel blanched, then bowed. "M-my apologies, Emperor Vigarde. I did not mean to make you question my loyalty. I serve Grado, and no other, now and forever." With that, the red-armored general turned to leave. Selena managed to catch the gleam of a tear before it was lost in his thick, black and gray beard.

Vigarde and his son turned to leave, but the Emperor abruptly froze. Lyon had looked up and turned to watch Duessel leave. Knoll saw a strange expression on his face before the Prince turned back to his stone and led his father away.

"Knoll…" Selena pulled her head back into the audience chamber. The other four generals had already left to prepare for their various assignments, "This… this is our fault, isn't it? Because of what we did…"

Knoll shook his head. "I don't know, Selena. Perhaps our actions have indeed driven the Prince to what I suspect it has driven him to. Or perhaps this was inevitable. Either way, it is up to you and I to stop it. Duessel cannot be swayed: his loyalty is too firm. We must-"

"I won't…" Selena took a deep breath to steady herself, "I won't harm his Grace."

"Selena, you must realize that that is not-"

"Whatever you say, Mage, that is Vigarde. That is our Emperor. There must be a way to reverse-"

"There isn't, Selena! How can you not see it? Look in his eyes, and tell me that Vigarde is still there! Look in his eyes and tell me that-"

"Stop it!" Selena shrieked at him. Then she flushed, and turned to leave the room, upright and silent, to retain what dignity she had left. Knoll watched her leave, and shook his head. It was understandable that she could not accept this, considering the relationship she and Vigarde had shared…

* * *

Port Kiris: a small harbor town along the border of Carcino and Frelia. While not the most impressive port in Magvel, it was the closest to Frelia, and the best to find a sea route from Frelia to Rausten, so it was the natural choice for Eirika. However, upon entering the salty-smelling town, Eirika began glancing around expectantly. Seth turned to her as they approached the docks, where several large ships waited, and raised an eyebrow. "Is something troubling you, your Grace?"

"Yes. Where is Tana?"

Seth blinked. "Princess Tana? She isn't coming. Her father expressly forbid her to leave Frelia."

"I know! Thus, she should be here by now! I know Tana, Seth. She won't stay in Frelia while we go out. She always needs to be underfoot, bothering Ephraim or I with her annoyingly whiney voice. So where is she?"

Seth shrugged, thinking this entire conversation to be absurd. "Perhaps she's off bothering your brother. Shouldn't you be happy that she isn't underfoot? From the sounds of it, you'll have an easier time… _existing_ without Tana around."

Eirika shrugged. "I _suppose_ you're right. Still… I don't know. I sort of… kind of… maybe a little bit…" the Princess shook her head. "Never mind. Hurry up and get us a ship. This is so like you, Seth, always hanging around lazily and slowing us down!"

Seth blinked, then glared at the Princess. And he had thought they were connecting! He stuck his nose in the air and directed his horse forward, approaching the closest ship. As he approached, the hefty captain squealed in fright and ducked, covering his head with his hands. Seth arched an eyebrow questioningly. "Something amiss, sir?"

"Y-yes! You're one of them GHOST PIRATES!" The fat sailor squealed rather like a pig.

"Sir, that doesn't even make sense. I don't look like a ghost OR a pirate. In fact, I rather look like your normal, run-of-the-mill living Paladins."

Eirika coughed. "Sub-par paladin, you mean." Seth shot her a glare.

The fat man peeked through his fingers, than stood, wiping his forehead with relief. "Sorry, can't be too careful. There are ghost pirates EVERYWHERE in Magvel lately! EVERYWHERE! So what did you want, Mr. Sub-Par Paladin?"

Seth grated his teeth at the name, but continued anyway, restraining himself from harming the sailor. "We need a ship to Rausten. How much-"

The man was shaking his head though. "No can do. No one is sailing today, or possibly ever again! All because of the… well, you know."

"Ghost Pirates?"

The sailor squealed in terror, throwing himself from the dock into the churning waters below. "Everyone, drown! They can't get you if you're dead! I'll _drown_ myself to safety!"

Seth glanced over the edge of the dock, wondering if he should save the man. He shrugged and returned to Eirika, sighing. "It looks like this town is a no-go as far as ships go."

"No-go? You made that up, didn't you? It has incompetent Seth written all over it," Eirika shook her head pityingly at Seth, "My, but not only are you a sub-par Paladin, you are also a sub-par cruise director! What good _are_ you, Seth?"

Meanwhile, the rest of Eirika's part was hanging around the city. As usual, Joshua and Neimi were off by themselves while Colm skulked close after them, plotting Joshua's horrible demise.

Joshua was waving his hands extravagantly, grinning at Neimi. "That's right, it was _this_ big! Massive, really. But I managed to skewer it in just the right place! It's a good thing my weapon was equally large and thick- What's wrong?"

Neimi had turned green, and looked like she wanted to throw up. "You… you…"

"What? Oh, I see. You don't like to hear my gruesome war stories. Sorry."

"That's… not it… How can a sword be thick?"

Joshua blinked. "Sword? I suppose you COULD call it that but- Hey, you look sick again."

Colm snuck up as Joshua was helping Neimi sit, careful to remain behind the myrmidon's back. The thief grinned evilly when he felt that he had his chance, then jumped. At that exact moment, Joshua was flinging his hand backward in another over exaggerated gesture, and accidentally smacked Colm across the face, which sent the flying thief hurtling to the side into a roadside stand full of fruit.

The myrmidon turned, surprised, and saw Colm covered in crushed pineapple. He grinned. "Hey there, shorty. How's it hanging?"

Neimi fainted.

Meanwhile, Mathwin was wandering around moaning wordlessly, until suddenly he started groaning and used actual words along with the guttural noises. "Oh Karson, whatever will I do without you, my love? My heart PINES for your presence! Oh-ho-ho… BOO HOO FOR MATHWIN!"

Moulder, who was perusing a postcard stand, sighed and looked over at the tactician. "If you like her so much, why don't you try to be a better boyfriend? Send her a letter or a postcard, and when you're actually with her, spend some time with her!"

Mathwin sighed. "You don't understand my problems, obviously."

Moulder shook his head. "Look, I may be a priest, but back in my glory days, I was quite the lady's man. Turns out the chicks rather dig the moustache. Maybe you should invest in one yourself, Mathwin. Anyway, I can give you a few pointers, so you might want to actually pay attention to me for once."

The strategist waved his hand dismissively at Moulder. "Please, like you know anything. Leave me alone with my misery, Moustache!"

The priest slammed the butt of his staff on the cobbled road angrily. "Fine then! I've had it up to _here_ with your whining and moaning and your general gloomy attitude! I'm through trying to cheer you up! There was nothing about dealing with idiots like you in the Clergy Handbook! I'm done!" Moulder stomped away, muttering angrily, his moustache quite literally curling with rage.

Mathwin watched him go, and shrugged. "Wonder what his problem is. That Moustache is such a drama queen."

Vanessa had stabled her pegasus and was looking around the market area of Port Kiris idly, wondering if they had anything worthwhile, when Garcia showed up out of nowhere and started talking to her.

"Vanessa, we barely know each other, but I need someone's shoulder to cry on. I hope you don't mind. My wife is off following my son- I mean, dead. And my son is off getting killed, probably. So will you… be my friend?" Without waiting for a reply, Garcia fell against Vanessa and started sobbing.

The spindly pegasus knight almost fell over from his weight leaning against her. She tried desperately to shove him off her, looking around in the hopes that someone was going to come help her. _Do I LOOK like a freaking grief counselor?! Go bother Moulder! Or that stupid princess! Anyone but meeeeeeeeeeeee!_

Lute stood by herself, looking around. "Perhaps, rather like Arthas, I have made a mistake in thinking that I can survive on my own… Except I'm not doing it in order to exact a terrible and extremely oxymoronic revenge." Then Lute noticed a trio of strange people approaching, and stared at them. "Why… is that a rogue? What luck! We've been needing some DPS in this weak little group."

Eirika looked up from her berating of the paladin when she heard a sudden change in background music. She turned to see a green-haired woman on a horse approaching, followed by a muscular midget and a regal looking man. The woman was eating something. "Seth… doesn't she look familiar? Goodness, it's like when a minor character shows up after not appearing for a while, and the author expects you to recognize the character despite the lack of development."

The paladin shook his red-haired head, ignoring the unnecessary description involved in his simple head-shake. "No, Princess. She does not ring a bell, figuratively speaking."

"Obviously you mean that figuratively," Mathwin, having come out of nowhere, said dourly, "And anyway, that's that annoying girl that showed up _after_ we killed all the monsters in Za'ha woods."

Moulder cleared his throat. "She also came to help us in Castle Renvall, if only briefly. It mostly amounted to her roguish companion stealing some treasures for us, and unlocking a door as well. Oh, and they chattered meaninglessly for a while about beasts and heroes and whatnot."

Eirika nodded. "See? Minor character. Nobody cares."

Seth arched an eyebrow. "Looks like she does. She's waving at us. Maybe we should wave back…"

Neimi shook her head. "No no! That's a signal! See, now that brown-haired guy is…"

Garcia had come over and was gaping. "It's even more disturbing when done with a dagger! Goodness, where does Ross pick up this drivel?"

Garcia's wife appeared out of nowhere and began beating her husband over the head with a rolling pin. "You and your stupid soldier buddies that you invite over every damn Thursday night for poker! This is all your-" Mrs. Axeman was silenced by a rock that hit her squarely on the head.

Neimi was hefting another, but dropped it when Garcia's wife crumpled to the ground, unconscious. The axeman blinked at the archer, who shrugged. "Don't blame me! The rogue signaled me to do that! Or at least, I think he did…"

L'Arachel and her posse wandered over. As soon as they did, Mathwin and Seth moved forward to greet them, until Eirika shoved them aside. "We met you earlier, didn't we? I remembered, but the rest of these rude imbeciles were too busy muttering about minor characters and other such nonsensical sillinesses." Mathwin sighed and Seth decided not to comment.

"Oh ho, I know exactly how you feel, fellow heroine of feminine justice!" L'Arachel tittered, "I am always having to deal with my incompetent sidekicks and their ridiculous antics!"

"Hey!" Rennac stamped his foot angrily, "I can leave ANY time I want, lady! It's not like you're paying me to stay here!"

"Onna contrary, Rennie!" Dozla guffawed as he unrolled an official-looking contract/scroll/paper airplane raw material, "Says roight 'ere at ye cannae leave tha service o' Lady L'Arrychel till she says ye kin."

Rennac gaped at the fine print. "No fair!"

L'Arachel giggled again. "All's fair in love and war, silly rogue! It's not my fault you signed a contract without actually reading it first!"

Colm gasped. "Clearly, we're dealing with a criminal mastermind!"

Joshua sighed at the thief. "Oh please. That contract is written in crayon on a paper towel. What we're dealing with is an idiot who outsmarted two even bigger idiots."

Eirika cleared her throat, apparently demanding attention. "As I was saying, we need to get to Rausten, and I was hoping you could provide a boat for us."

Seth shook his head. "You think these people just happen to have a boat lying around somewhere?"

L'Arachel laughed. "As a matter of fact, I do! I, Lady L'Arachel, possess the finest passenger/warship docked here in Port Kiris! It's the ideal vessel for any tourist who expects to become involved in any sort of ruthless naval invasions or battles."

Seth blinked, shocked. Mathwin nodded. "Great. How much to take us to Rausten?"

"Oh dear, see, that's the problem," L'Arachel pursed her lips in an over exaggerated way, "See, I'm not going to Rausten. I must go off to face the dreaded Ghost Pirates in the southern seas! No villainous creature of darkness is safe when Lady L'Arachel, Scourge of Holiness, possess the means for sea travel!"

"Scourge of Holiness? You scour holiness?" L'Arachel glared disapprovingly at Rennac until he sighed and shut up again.

Eirika frowned. "Look lady, we need a ride to Rausten. This is a life-or-death-of-the-world type of situation."

L'Arachel was still smiling vacantly. "You think your mission is more important than my divine crusade?"

"Yes, actually."

L'Arachel sighed. "Ah well, some people are a bit too self-important, especially those who aren't important at all. I do so pity you poor minor characters. Anyway, Rennac, Dozla, to the seas! We sail off in search of Ghost Pirates and whatnot! Huzzah!"

Dozla cheered. "Off tae tha briny depths o' darkness wit us! Gwah hah HAH! Cummon Rennie, time tae put oarselves in 'orrible peril an' danger!"

Rennac sobbed. "Why me? Why always me? What did I do to deserve this? Other than being a selfish, greedy bastard my whole life, that is!"

The troubadour and her companions rode off to a large ship docked nearby. As they left, Seth noticed Eirika was fuming, apparently over being called a minor character. He made his horse sidle away from her.

Mathwin sighed. "Well now what do we do? It's hopeless! There's no way to reach Rausten now! We'll just have to head back to Frelia and hide out in the castle until the war blows over!"

Lute and Joshua, oddly, exchanged a glance before the mage piped up. "We could take the overland route through Carcino. While not as quick or convenient as the sea route, it is a much better method than going in the opposite direction."

Mathwin pounced on Lute. "Shut up! No way to reach Rausten, you hear me! NO WAY!"

Neimi glanced over at the cowering fat sailor, who had managed to return to the dock. "Shouldn't we tell him? Once he hears that the Ghost Pirates are on the other side of the continent, maybe he'll be willing to help us out!"

Seth shook his head. "I doubt he'll believe us. It seems we're going to be walking, then. I suppose I should have predicted that this easy route would turn out to be more difficult than it seemed. Things can never go according to plan, can they?"

Mathwin ran over to try to strangle Seth, though he couldn't reach the mounted paladin's neck. "Stop it! We have to turn back! Stop talking about alternate routes!"

While Mathwin was desperately trying to convince himself that he was going to be able to run and hide, a warrior approached the party. Lute suddenly beamed. "Oh good! A random recruit here to add some meat shield to our party, now that Gilliam is gone!"

The warrior blinked at her, than turned to Eirika. "You're the Princess of Renais, ain't'cha?"

Eirika blinked. "Ain't'cha? Obviously you're yet another of those uncouth, uneducated ruffians that seem to wander the world meaninglessly!"

Seth narrowed his eyes. "Say… aren't you that helmeted fighter we met as we fled Renais? The one who was emotionally scarred by Eirika? It _is_ you! You promoted!"

The warrior blinked (invisibly under his helmet, of course) again. "I- uh- that is- no I'm not! I'm Binks! My disguise is flawless! Prepare to die, you valuable little trinket you!"

Eirika scowled. "Why are you Grado idiots still chasing me? I don't have my bracelet any more! I'm worthless! I mean, no I'm not, I just mean that I don't have what you really want anymore."

"I agree with the original statement," Vanessa muttered. She noticed everyone was staring at her, then realized that she had been thinking aloud., "Uh, sorry, never mind. Please continue. Pretend I'm not here."

'Binks' sneered. "You're mine, Princess Eirika! But first, I'm going to flee to a safe area while my lackeys soften you up! Lackeys! Come soften her up!" With that, the warrior ran away while a bunch of nameless, generic lackeys poured onto the map from nowhere.

Mathwin sighed. "Oh goody, battle time. I'll go hide while you guys kill all the enemies."

Seth scowled at the tactician. "Aren't you going to provide us with a strategy of some kind?"

The strategist waved his hand dismissively. "Why bother? Let's just do like we always do: Kill all the bad guys." Seth rolled his eyes.

* * *

Binks/O'Neill fled to a distant part of the port, on the other side of the harbor. He grinned to himself as he hefted his axe. "Oh yeah, she's intimidated by my manliness. Who wouldn't be? Now that I'm promoted, I'm awesome!"

While he admired his own manliness, a certain someone behind him sighed. O'Neill turned to see a pink-cloaked assassin scowling at him. The warrior blanched. "B-boss!"

"Yeah, that's what they call me."

"Y-you're back from Frelia! How'd your mission go?"

The assassin shrugged nonchalantly. "The same way they all go, of course. Smashing success. Of course, a certain odd event took place there at the end, but I'm overlooking that as far as how it impacts our success rating."

O'Neill chuckled nervously, then cut off when his boss glared at him. "So uh… I'd better get back to the whole killing Princess Eirika deal."

"No, not killing. _Capturing_. Our boss wants her alive. She is, after all, the most easily manipulated member of the Renais royalty. Or at least, that's what I assume Viggy wants her for. Anyway, just don't… kill her. We, and by we, I mean me, get paid more if we, and by we I mean you, bring her in alive."

O'Neill sighed. "But my revenge…"

"Oh for… she called you a few names and insulted your lack of grammar. Is that really a good reason to swear undying vengeance?"

O'Neill thought about it, then shrugged.

* * *

Eirika's forces (which were by then too large to be recounted in one paragraph) moved from the docks back into the town portion of Port Kiris. Of course, there were numerous mercenaries throughout the town.

Seth sighed. "Why is the militia of Port Kiris letting these mercenaries trample around after the monarch of Renais?"

"This _is_ the militia. And Port Kiris is part of Carcino, not Renais," Garcia said.

Mathwin pursed his lips. "Which means… Carcino is siding with Grado? Well that's a bad sign, since we now have to-"

Eirika sighed again. "Look, can we save this for the after-battle plot sequence? I want to stab things."

At that point, a sniper came forward to shoot at them, ignoring the fact that they were busily conversing, which Eirika would have pointed out as rude if she hadn't herself been complaining about the chitchat, and if she wasn't being shot at. Seth moved to shove her out of the way, but was surprised to realize that she had dodged on her own for once.

The sniper cursed, taking aim again. Neimi tried to take advantage of his distraction by shoot at him, but the sniper noticed and rolled out of the way, without losing his aim. He fired, and managed to hit Garcia in the leg, making the fighter topple over. Seth slapped a hand to his face in frustration, while Eirika drew her rapier.

Mathwin swallowed nervously. "Damn promoted units… we don't stand a chance! He's got stats and levels on us, not to mention a sweet battle animation!" The tactician then proceeded to hide in a nearby house, while the sniper drew another arrow.

Lute raised a hand and uttered an incantation, then lowered her hand and blasted the sniper with fire. As she did, Joshua rushed forward to attack with his sword. The sniper fell back, wounded, while Eirika ran ahead, pushing the myrmidon out of the way so that she could stab him with her rapier. Joshua scowled at the princess. "He was mine!"

"Oh, really? I didn't see your name on him. Besides, you're a peasant, and I'm a princess. Thus, I get dibs on all enemies and experience." Eirika half-smiled smugly, then turned to walk away with her nose in the air. Joshua scowled after her, but didn't bother arguing further.

"Uh… little help?" Moulder glanced over to see Garcia lying on the ground with an arrow through his leg. The priest gave a "whoops!" and then ran over to heal the fighter.

* * *

Meanwhile, in a nearby house…

"Wh-what the hell are you doing in my house?!" The man proceeded to beat Mathwin with a convenient rolling pin, "I'm just an innocent citizen! Stop involving us in your stupid war and get out of my house!"

The strategist covered his head with his hands, running in circles away from the house owner. "Alright, alright! Just give me an item and I'm gone!"

"Item?! You get NOTHING!" The man threw the rolling pin at Mathwin one more time while he ran out the door.

The tactician was fortunate (or unfortunate, depending on how you view Eirika's miniature army) enough to run right into his part. He started panting and leaned over, while the others blinked at him, none going forward to help him.

Eventually, Mathwin straightened, then realized that there was a rolling pin next to him by way of tripping on it. Eirika sighed. "Well? Did you get us an item or not?"

Mathwin managed to stand back up so he could glare at the Princess. "Yeah, I got an item for you!" He threw the rolling pin at the Princess, who easily caught it with her empty left hand. He gaped at her, then fell over.

"A rolling pin? What am I supposed to do with this? I don't plan on making pizza, I'll have you know!" Eirika sighed and tossed the flattening instrument over her shoulder. Coincidentally, Garcia happened to sit up, healed from his leg wound, at that precise moment. The pin struck him on the head, and he fell over again. Moulder sighed, then stooped to heal the fighter again.

Seth slapped his face in frustration again, then looked around to realize that Eirika had wandered off on her on. He allowed himself a moment of exaltation and joy, then sighed and decided to go find her. The rest of the army glanced around, not sure what to do. Mathwin looked around. "Hey… where's Vanessa?"

A loud cackle sounded in the distance. Lute pointed in that general direction, and the rest of the group shrugged and moved that way.

Vanessa stampeded out of a house that appeared to have been destroyed by a wrecking ball, cackling nefariously and holding a massive shield over her head. _Another dragonshield! Now I shall have impenetrable defense, and all shall bow before my greatness!_

Lute had managed to arrive by then. "How can a flimsy little stick woman like you hold such a heavy defensive item up like that?"

Vanessa paused, then glanced up, then sighed. _Damn you physics!_ The shield then proceeded to crush her into a twitching heap on the ground.

Lute watched her collapse, glanced around conspicuously, then darted forward to push the button on the back of the shield. It immediately dissolved into multiple sparkles that then floated into Lute. For an instant, she glowed with invulnerability, but that quickly faded away into her usual flimsy mage-ness.

* * *

"Man, but this battle is boring. We've fought one enemy, except for all the others that happened in the background and were kinda assumed to have been fought," Joshua sighed, "How will I ever become a sword master if I don't kill anything?"

Neimi shrugged, as usual oblivious to the fact that Colm was sneaking up behind them. The thief chuckled villainously, then ran up and smacked his foe over the head. He cackled, until he opened his eyes. "Wha…"

"Colm!" Neimi was tearing up, which she hadn't actually managed to do since meeting Joshua, interestingly, "C-Colm, why did you just h-hit me?!"

Joshua glared at the thief. "What's your problem, you little jerk?"

Colm stared at Neimi, flabbergasted. "But… but I thought I was… but I thought I was aiming at…"

"Yeah, well, you weren't!" Joshua then glanced away innocently to hide the fact that he had switched places with Neimi at the last second in order to start this very situation.

"C-C-C- WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Neimi fell to the ground, sobbing uncontrollably. Colm jumped up and down, chattering incoherently as he tried to get her to stop crying.

"You fiend! Prepare to be punished!" The myrmidon drew his wicked Killing Edge, which caused the youthful thief to squeal in terror, his multiple braids standing on end.

"N-no," Neimi stood, sniffling. Colm sighed in relief. "Gimme the sword, Josh."

Joshua grinned. "With pleasure, Neimi my sweet." He placed the sword in her hand. Colm managed an "Oh sh-" before Neimi came at him, screaming in primal fury and swiping at him with the sword. Colm ran away, squealing in primal cowardice.

* * *

O'Neill sighed. "I hope my mercenaries aren't _too_ good. I want Eirika to get here alive so I can beat her within an inch of her life. I hope it wasn't a bad idea to throw that one promoted unit in there…"

While he was musing, Eirika had finally arrived. O'Neill glanced over and waved at her before returning to his musings. After a double-take, he stared at her. "But-but how? You aren't even wounded, and you haven't gained a single point of experience! Besides that, it's only been, like, five minutes. How did you get past all my mercenaries without engaging any of them?"

"What mercenaries?" Eirika asked seriously.

O'Neill glanced behind her, and was annoyed to see no dead bodies, friendly or enemy. Then he glanced at his sundial/watch and cursed. "I can't believe it! It's already twelve?! I can't believe they all took a lunch break in the middle of a battle! Damn unionist mercenaries!"

The princess shrugged, then turned to see Seth show up, followed by Mathwin and, belatedly, Lute, who was looking oddly protected for some inexplicable reason. O'Neill swallowed nervously. "Look, all I want is to beat up the Princess and then take her away. Can you guys just… go away?"

"Oh yes, by all means, let's just walk away and let you do what you want with Eirika. Our pleasure," Mathwin said.

Seth nodded. "Really, that's just silly."

The tactician blinked at the paladin. "It is? I was being serious."

Eirika waved her hand dismissively. "Go ahead, run away. I don't need help. I beat this uncouth, unwashed, unattractive, and unintelligent brute without even touching him before. I can certainly handle him again. I doubt promotion has improved the self-loathing complex I undoubtedly gave him before."

O'Neill stamped his foot angrily. "Stop making fun of me like I'm not even here!"

"Welcome to my world, pal," Mathwin muttered.

The warrior ignored him, raisin his axe. "I'll show you! I didn't become a warrior for the heck of it! I'm going to show you what's what when it comes to smashing things with an axe!" With that, the axeman started whirling around fast enough to become a blur, causing a miniature tornado to form around him.

Eirika seemed unfazed, marching forward to shish-kebab him. Unfortunately, the whirling mass of steel and death abruptly stopped, and the warrior lunged at her, knocking her away with his axe. Eirika hit the ground several feet away, severely wounded. Seth cried out, running to her, while Mathwin cowered behind Lute. The mage shook her head. "No good. His resistance stat is too high for my awe-inspiring magic to penetrate."

The tactician blinked, looking at her. "Are you kidding? Warriors have pathetic resistance! Blast him with a thunder bolt or something!"

"I just don't understand you people. Warriors are tanks, plain and simple. Besides, I don't have any thunder spells."

Mathwin screamed in fury. "Just blast him with _something_!"

Lute sighed, then charged a fire spell in her hand. She shot it at O'Neill, who reeled back in pain. Then he straightened and withdrew a bow. In a motion swift enough to beat any archer, he shot an arrow that hit Lute in the shoulder. The mage collapsed, crying out in pain.

The tactician put his hands to his head in terror. "We're doomed! The usual tactics aren't working! The usual tactics aren't working! Where the hell is Joshua when we need his sword-skills?! Where's Moulder when we need his staff-thing?!"

O'Neill cackled evilly. "At last, vengeance is mine! No one can match my amazing strength!" The warrior laughed until he was suddenly struck on the head by a rolling pin. He fell over.

Mathwin blinked. "What… that's it? All that dramatic leading-up-to, and he gets defeated by a rolling pin? Must we always have such anticlimactic boss battles?! Where did the rolling pin come from?!"

"Oh, that was me," Garcia said, waltzing over, "Turns out rolling pins, like hammers, are an axe-type weapon if contrived just so."

Mathwin sighed while Moulder set about healing Lute and Eirika. About then, the rest of the party showed up, Neimi covered in gore, Joshua smirking sinisterly, and Colm looking like someone had shoved a sword through his stomach. In fact, there was no doubt about the position of the sword, since it was still there. Moulder sighed and walked over to heal him, while Vanessa sighed angrily about being ignored by the narration again, rather looking like she had just been crushed by an overly large shield.

Once healed, the Princess marched over to O'Neill and grabbed him by the shirt collar. Shaking him roughly, she demanded that he woke up.

The warrior woke up, slowly, then squealed in terror at the sight of her. "I'm sorry! Don't hurt me! I'm sorry!"

"Who sent you?!" Eirika demanded.

"Didn't we already go over the fact that it was Carcino during our little in-battle conversation earlier?" Garcia piped up.

"Oh, yes, there's that," Eirika turned back to the vanquished boss, "Is this true?"

"Y-yes! Councilor Pablo of the Council of Merchants sent us!"

Seth shook his head. "There must be some mistake. Carcino is a nation of whiney, cowardly merchants. They wouldn't dare betray Frelia."

Vanessa rolled her eyes. _Why wouldn't they? Makes perfect sense to me. Grado has all the power after all, and with Renais under Grado control Frelia can't very well attack Carcino any more. Stupid Carcino. Why didn't I think to switch sides before becoming a wanted pegasus knight?_

"Look, I dunno what Carcino is thinking! I'm just a mercenary! I kill stuff for money! Other than that, I don't know anything!" O'Neill had begun to weep piteously.

"Obviously," Eirika muttered, before letting go of the warrior, "Look, just go, alright? Your experience isn't worth wasting a perfectly good rapier."

O'Neill flushed at the insult, but ran away anyway, crying again. "I'll get you for this, you fiend!"

Eirika chuckled dryly. "Yeah, like that's going to happen. You'd have to be a running gag character to ever hope to show up again. Anyway, let's go."

Seth blinked. "But… Carcino is that way. Would it be wise to run off into an enemy country with only a few soldiers?"

"Prince Innes is already there, Seth. He and my brother don't get along-" Seth furrowed his brow, not sure what that had to do with anything, "-thus the whole basis for me liking that arrogant jerk. Also, he's not bad to look at. Oh, and we need his help for the whole save-the-world deal. And besides that, I need to go through Carcino to reach Rausten, and without a ship, it's still the safest and fastest route there. So we're going through Carcino."

Seth was about to argue when a pegasus knight flew over to them, a young woman with brown hair to her shoulders flew up to them. It wasn't hard to guess that she was from Innes' army, considering that she was flying in from the opposite direction as Frelia, and Frelia was the only nation with pegasus knights to begin with. "Speak of the devil…" the paladin muttered.

"Princess Eirika, Prince Innes is-"

"In danger, surrounded by enemy troops, I know, I know," the messenger gaped at the princess, "Just go away. We'll go save him. We have to go that way anyway. Now move so we can be off."

CLIFFHANGER!


	17. Chapter Nine EP: Fort Rigwald

-1**Chapter Nine EP: Fort Rigwald**

_As Eirika goes to Rausten, Ephraim makes his way east as well, but with his destination being the capital of the Grado Empire, where Emperor Vigarde waits, orchestrating the war._

_In order to enter Grado, Ephraim must first bypass Fort Rigwald. While many peasants like to think that Rigwald is an impenetrable barrier guarding the borders, in actuality, it is the most easily taken fortress in the history of warfare. In the last month of peace, it was captured by opposing forces seven times, literally ping-ponging back and forth between Frelia and Grado and even, somehow, Austria-Hungary. Thus, Ephraim isn't too worried. Well, compared to how worried he usually is._

* * *

Since being taken over by Grado, Fort Rigwald had undergone several changes of command, mostly due to several unfortunate incidents. First, Commander Subjugated fell off the roof while reprimanding several construction workers for taking so long to fix the shingles. His lieutenant, Quen, became Commander after him, and was subjected to an explosion and nearly drowned in the moat, but somehow survived, only to die of food poisoning due to some bad pickles. Then was Commander Pickett, but he was so unpopular for a certain unfortunate military maneuver that when he fell off a wall and into a well, no one bothered to fish him out. Then there was Commander Rockwall, who was shot by his lieutenant on "accident". Then said lieutenant, one John Powned, became Commander, but was found so thoroughly slaughtered that his last name soon became synonymous with the word "defeated". Then there was Gheb.

One doesn't need to understand the military ranking system to realize that Gheb, a fat and generally stupid fellow, was never meant to be in charge of his bathroom, let alone a fortress vital to the defense of his country. But through the earlier described series of unfortunate events, he took over. Naturally, Gheb was a little bit paranoid about the whole curse of the commander deal, and took extra precautions. He remained in his rather luxurious room at all times, with several men guarding his door, and with a large axe beside him at all times. Also, he carefully inspected every prisoner and new recruit, though that might have been for more… disturbing reasons than self-preservation.

Fort Rigwald was always a tense place under Grado control during the current war. While the commanders got all the attention for getting killed, it was actually the entire garrison that was in danger. Mysterious accidents were happening all the time, almost always involving someone being either horribly maimed or just downright killed. The kitchen was avoided entirely (since everyone that went near the silverware was doomed to be stabbed), as was the laundry room (several men had been hung by their underwear from the rafters which, while not fatal, was very embarrassing), and the armory (does this even need a explanation?). The soldiers were constantly on edge.

It was into this mess that a young soldier named Amelia found herself thrust into after leaving her hometown of Silva for the military life. It didn't take long for her to realize that everyone in Rigwald was nuts. It only took a little longer for her to realize that they weren't completely nuts. She was one of the many

unfortunate soldiers to be haunted by the phantom of the laundry room.

And that was what everyone assumed. It had to be ghosts that haunted Rigwald, torturing and killing the garrison. But no one had ever seen the ghosts… and lived, anyway.

That day, Amelia was there to see a young woman with blue hair on a pegasus dragged in to Commander Gheb's room. She turned to the older soldier beside her, who was a veteran of Rigwald's numerous terrors. "Who do you suppose that was?" she asked.

"Just another Frelian soldier. All the pegasus knights are girls, for some reason. I guess that's why Gheb likes fighting Frelia so much…" the soldier shuddered, "Anyway, don't concern yourself, kid. If that girl didn't want to be in danger, she shouldn't have become a soldier."

Amelia nodded her agreement, but seemed troubled all the same.

Inside Gheb's room, the fat guy himself was leering disturbingly at the pegasus rider, who looked more than slightly freaked out. "Alright, look you! I'm Princess Tana! My brother is a kick-ass sniper, my boyfriend is a kick-ass lance user, and my dad is a kick-ass… well, anyway, by the time he gets here, Innes and Ephraim will have killed you something awful! So you'd better let me go before I have to squeal for them to come save me!"

Gheb's eyes lit up. "Royalty, are you? Well well, I'm sure to be well-rewarded now! In fact, screw Grado! I'll just sell this wench back to dadles, and then I'll be filthy stinking rich!"

Tana curled her lip in disgust. "Well, you've got the filthy and stinking parts down…"

Gheb scoffed at her. "Watch it, girly! Take her to the dungeon and keep a close eye on her!"

"And her pegasus, sir?" one of the soldiers asked.

"Bah, just leave it with her. What's she going to do, fly out the roof?" Gheb chuckled at his own wittiness as his soldiers dragged Tana off, kicking and screaming, with her pegasus in tow as well. As Gheb giggled evilly, his rolls of fat jiggled unattractively in a bit of description any reader probably could have lived without.

Amelia and her friend watched Tana be dragged out of the room off to her cell. The young recruit shifted uncomfortably, wondering what she thought about that. She tried to push it out of her head.

Meanwhile Tana was shoved into an empty dungeon cell with her pegasus, for some ridiculous reason. She stayed there, fuming and shrieking. Eventually, she subsided to crying. That was when she started to hear voices.

* * *

"Fort Rigwald…" Ephraim sighed, "It has stood unconquered for generations. Its defenses are legendary. It is the jewel of Grado's fortifications, and its walls have never been breached."

Karson scoffed. "Are you kidding, or are we operating under different definitions of the term "unconquered", or, heck, are you just stupid? Listen to the narration every once in a while. _Seven_ times in _one_ month of _peace_. Are you not seeing a pattern here? Rigwald is the most easily taken fortress in the history of fortresses!"

Franz rode up and smiled. "Then it will be easy for us to take it and move on with our quest!"

"Campaign, kid. It's a campaign." Karson sighed.

Kyle raised his hand, which Karson reluctantly indicated. "How shall we go about taking the fort? As we have seen, the enemy has the advantage of numbers and terrain! What is our plan of action?"

Ephraim smiled in his annoying, confident hero way. "The soldiers of Grado will be low on morale because they do not want to fight! I bet the lowest in the morale department will be General Duessel and Prince Lyon, so I bet as soon as I talk to them they'll switch to our side!"

Karson shook her head pityingly. "You poor, naïve little moron." But Ephraim did not notice.

"Now then, let us march forward unto terrible danger that isn't all that terrible because all the troops will immediately switch sides to serve us! Huzzah!" Ephraim then did exactly as he had described, charging forward without the rest of the party.

Gilliam sighed. "Of course I get stuck with the moron. Princess Eirika was a prissy little witch, but at least she had a brain…" He stumped forward, quickly followed by the rest of the party who, predictably, quickly got past him. Gilliam muttered about the incessant slow jokes, but kept going.

The gates to Fort Rigwald were, for a change, closed and locked. Karson sighed. "I see they finally closed off their greatest weakness. Now then, will the resident thief please-"

Karson sighed and pointed to Kyle, who had his hand raised again. "We don't have a resident thief. The only thief in the original party was Colm, and he went off with Eirika."

Karson sighed even more loudly. "Of course. Well, time for Plan B then. Captain Puberty, go smash the door in!"

Ross cheered and charged, smashing at the doors with his twin axes in a psychotic frenzy. Artur and Natasha took several steps back, obviously put off by the young pirate's ferocity. The door did not last very long, and was soon an unrecognizable pile of rubble in the now vacant doorway. Ephraim had arched his eyebrow. "Well that's an… unorthodox way of getting into a fortress. In fact, I don't think that's actually possible until Fire Emblem Ten comes out."

Karson slapped the Prince over the head. "No passing the Fourth Wall without my explicit permission, Prince Sissy! Now then, we've got soldiers advancing on our position and archers firing at us from the other side of those walls to our left and right in that doorway. Captain Puberty, Sir Shorty, Kyle, go take care of those soldiers. Fatso, get a javelin and help Father Carrot-Top hit those archers."

Myrrh chuckled evilly from her otherwise unnoticed position at the back of the group. "Nicknames… bwah hah!"

Gilliam muttered about the latest fat joke and the fact that one couldn't shoot or throw javelins through walls, but picked up a javelin and stumped forward. He was immediately pelted with arrows from unknown sources. With a heave ho, he tossed his javelin, which clattered against a wall and fell to the ground uselessly. "Damn you, physics! How dare you only work when it inconveniences me!"

Artur, in the meantime, had already ousted three archers with his magic, but had taken an arrow to the side. Ross was smashing soldiers in the faces while Franz and Kyle, wielding lances, were helping him. Ephraim suddenly charged forward, shoving past the two cavaliers to attack the enemies. While he managed to spear two, he was suddenly assaulted from behind by an axe-wielding tornado. "Ross! Ross wait, I'm on your -AIIEE!"

Karson sighed, then turned to Natasha. "Blondie, go heal Prince Sissy and Father Carrot-Top on the double! Dum-Dum, you- Dum-Dum, do you _mind_?"

While Natasha ran off, looking vaguely unhappy about the mean name, Zonta jumped up and down in Karson's face. "What do I get to do? What do I get to do?"

The tactician scowled, shoving him away. "Bathe, for one. Look, you use a sword. You're just no good against these soldiers! Go wait in the back with Dragobrat until we find something that you might actually be able to beat, not that you could really beat anything." Zonta cheered and went to stand beside a very angry Myrrh.

After being healed, Ephraim decided to stand behind Ross as the pirate smashed his way through every soldier that dared to come within five feet of him. Franz and Kyle didn't get a chance to hurt anything with all the attention that Ross was taking. Kyle raised his hand to complain, but was ignored in the heat of combat.

Gilliam was continually throwing his javelin at the wall, to no success, and still felt arrows pinging off his armor. Finally he throw his weapon to the ground in frustration. "What in the name of hell is going on here?! Why am I the only one who can't throw weapons through walls?!"

He felt an insistent tapping on his armored shoulder, and turned to see Karson frowning at him malevolently. She pointed to a small hole through which an arrow had just been fired. Gilliam slapped a hand to his head in annoyance, which prompted Karson to roll her eyes and thrust the short red hair from her face. Gilliam took his javelin and thrust it through the arrow hole, and grinned in satisfaction at the agonized grunt that he heard.

* * *

Gheb was still giggling evilly in a surprisingly high-pitched tone when a soldier burst into his room. "Commander! The fort is under… at… What the _bloody hell_ are you _doing_?!"

Gheb blinked. "What? Oh geez, you act like I'm doing something that would require the rating to be raised to mature! I'm just eating a sandwich."

"But… there's peanut butter, mustard… and _applesauce_ on that sandwich! It's so disgusting!"

Gheb rolled his eyes and put the sandwich down. "What were you saying? Something about the fortress be underneath something?"

"Huh? Oh yeah, we're under attack! Prince Ephraim and some sort of living tornado of STEEL are tearing through the front entrance! We can't hold them off!"

Gheb screeched in terror, pausing only to take a bite from his sandwich. The sticky mess caused his mouth to gum up. "Frop dem from hurfinm me! I'm prefief do da Empire! Fafe me!"

The soldier blinked. "What? I don't understand a word you're saying."

Gheb rolled his eyes again and took a swig of milk. "I said, kill those swanky nincompoops! I'm a precious treasure to the Emperor! The empire can't _survive_ without me!"

The soldier smirked. "Uh… sure… whatever. (_I'm sure that's why they assigned you in an extremely low position in a fortress that is so weak that the empire doesn't even acknowledge that they control it._)"

"What was that you just muttered?"

"Nothin'. Anyway, I'll go see about saving you. (_You fat moron with your lack of brain and cowardly ways!_)"

"That definitely sounded like muttering to me."

"Nope, I didn't say a thing." The soldier turned and scurried out while Gheb tried to decide if he was telling the truth or not.

Outside, the soldier stopped to speak with two other soldiers standing. "You two! Report to the front entrance hallway to help fight off the enemy! For the glory of… well, Commander Gheb, I guess. (_That fat annoying slob!_)"

Amelia blinked. "Why are you still muttering? Gheb can't hear you, and we completely agree with your opinion of the fat villainous jerk."

The soldier blinked. "Sorry, old habits and all that stuff. Anyway, better hurry up and get to the front. You'll probably die, but hey, at least we get a good paycheck for all of this."

Amelia swallowed nervously, but her friend patted her on the shoulder. "Don't worry. I hear Prince Ephraim is a pushover, and his army is a bunch of morons that don't know which end of a sword to hold in a fight. We'll be fine."

The young blonde blinked at the older soldier. "How did you know it was Ephraim we were fighting? The only person that other guy told was Gheb, and we're outside so we can't possibly have heard that conversation."

The older soldier blinked. "Uh… I dunno! Don't bother me about details, young'un! I'm a veteran!" Amelia and the veteran ran to join their brethren in defending the entrance to Fort Rigwald.

* * *

With most of the annoying archers dead, Gilliam and Artur hurried to keep up with Ross and the cavaliers. More soldiers showed up to block their way, including two axe-wielding fighters. Zonta cheered, but groaned when Franz and Kyle drew swords and dispatched them immediately. He then shrugged to Myrrh. "Guess we'll have to continue our discussion about the ethics of premarital genocide."

The ornery Manakete groaned. "I told you, genocide is never ethical unless the things you're killing are evil monsters!"

Zonta shook his head. "I still think that monsters deserve rights. It's only fair!"

Meanwhile, Ross was making a mess in the front of the fight while smashing through hordes of enemies. When he stopped for a moment to scream and spit and curse incoherently, Franz rode over and slapped him over the head. "Show some restraint you uncouth imbecile! A proper soldier does not act like a raging idiot. The only time you are allowed to go berserk is when claiming women as spoils, which, of course, is generally frowned upon by monarchs- Oh my…"

Franz stared across the fields of battle at a young, blonde, female soldier in red armor, wielding a lance with expert ease. Franz saw her in a pink haze that was only partially caused by the blood flung everywhere by Ross' psychotic episode. "Goodness… I feel as though I am floating on clouds of sugary gumdrops…"

Ross blinked, then noticed where Franz was staring. He then cracked into a grin. "Franz and Random Soldier, sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-GeeeeeeeeeAAAAAAAUUUUUUGH!"

The pirate fell over twitching, a lance driven through his skull, while Franz rode over to the young girl soldier. Natasha approached and sighed. "Must I clean up the messes you boys make? Goodness, why all the anger?"

Franz approached Amelia, grinning idiotically. He had already worked out a long speech that was sure to sweep her off her feet, complete with iambic pentameter, numerous quotes from multiple romantic authors, and plenty of comparisons between her and the sun. Unfortunately, this poetic speech immediately left him when he was within five feet of the soldier. Amelia frowned at him. "What're you waiting for? We gonna fight, or what?"

Franz opened his mouth, but only managed a vague grunting sound. Then he started talking, to his own misfortune. "'Allo Sue!" he managed in a moronic drawl, "I… uh… I got LEGS! D'ye got legs? Wanna sit on my legs? Okay, I love you, buh bye!"

Franz started to ride away, giggling stupidly, when a very disturbed and confused Amelia stuck out her lance to trip his horse, defeating the lovestruck cavalier. She cheered triumphantly. "One down, nine to go! I'm on a roll!"

* * *

Tana sighed, flipping through a magazine. "When is Ephie-poo going to come rescue me at the last minute in his romantic and heroic way? All of my TEEN Magazines say that's what heroes do, so it must be true. Unless… unless they LIED! They wouldn't! They couldn't! NOOOO! It can't be! My existence as a teenage princess cannot have been a LIE! NOOOOO!"

Tana shrieked with sorrow, until an ethereal voice shouted "**Knock it off for Pete's sake! By all that is undead and typically unholy, woman, do you have an off switch?!**"

Tana screamed again. "Wh-who is there?! Is it that mean fat guy Gheb?!"

"**Nah, just your friendly neighborhood spooky, disembodied voice. I've been haunting this joint since I was sucked back into this hellhole of a world by that moron what broke my soul, and I've single-handedly ensured that, when the good guys come along, the only thing they'll need to deal with is some stupid fat guy.**"

Tana blinked. "So… you're like… a guardian angel?'

"**Hm… I guess you could say that. But I don't want you going around telling people that. It would ruin my dark and brooding hero image. So you may call me by my name: Tallon.**"

Tana squealed. "Tally-chan! Eeeeeeee!"

An otherworldly ellipse followed. "**Don't call me-**"

"Tally-chan! Tally-chan! Tally, Tally, Tally-CHAN!"

Outside her cell, Tana's guards exchanged a glance. One shook his head. "Must've been contacted by the ghost. She's lost it."

The other one sighed. "Damn shame."

After several more minutes of chanting, a boom sounded throughout the fortress. "**ENOUGH! You're the most annoying person I've ever had to encounter posthumously! Maybe I'm better off siding with those Grado geeks after all…**" A ghostly shake of the head, "**Nah, it's too much fun hanging them from the rafters by their tightie whities. I guess I can endure this idiot for a little longer… look, Tana, this is real simple: I'm going to break you outta this joint, and you're going to help Prince Ephraim defeat the Grado Empire. Got it?**"

Tana squealed again. "Ephie-poo is HERE?! OMG OMG OMG GOM GMO OGM OGHOD! This is SO EXCITING! Ephie-poo DID come to save me!"

A spiritual eye roll. "**Right, right, exciting. Now go help him!**"

Outside the cell came the sounds of agonized screams of abject horror and pain. Then the door unlocked and opened on its own. Tana rode out on her pegasus to the horrible sight of two grown men weeping like little girls while hanging from the rafters by their elastic waistbands. Tana giggled, then rode off to find Ephraim.

* * *

The entrance hall was cleared, and the enemy soldiers had been pushed back into the next corridor. Karson was smiling, shocked at how well they were doing, for once. Clearly the size of her force was actually making a difference. And it was nice to have more variety than a lance-man on foot or a lance-man on a horse. "Father Carrot-top, blast those knights with magic! Fatso, Captain Puberty, get in front and defend the people behind you! Sir Shorty, get off the ground and help out here!"

Franz was too busy staring dreamily at Amelia, who was busy beating Gilliam up with her lance. The armored knight was badly wounded, and with one last "Obviously" fell down, unconscious. Karson cursed. "Blondie, heal him! Kyle, Prince Sissy, Sir Shorty, help him out! Damn it Franz, wake up!"

The young cavalier mounted his horse and rode forward, jumping over Gilliam to land in front of Amelia, who immediately screeched with rage. Franz raised a hand. "Wait! I only want to admire your luscious beauty! Please, oh fair and beauteous soldier, tell me your name!"

Amelia blinked. "Are you stupid or something? We're trying to kill each other here!" With that, Kyle charged forward to attack Amelia. Franz cried out, drew his lance, and held it out so that Kyle rode face first into it. He toppled off his horse, landing on the ground with a sickening thud. Amelia blinked then smiled. "Yep, you're stupid. But hey, you did save me from dying as some soldier that nobody knows about. Name's Amelia. Now prepare to die."

Franz waved his hands desperately. "Wait! I'm Franz, the noble knight of Renais! And I suggest you surrender so that I don't have to defeat you and thus mar your beautiful face!"

Amelia chuckled. "No, you see, I'm winning here. Thus, you should surrender to me."

Franz shook his head adamantly. "No no no! That would not be manly or knightly! You have to surrender to me!"

"No way! I'm winning here!"

"But I wanna sweep you off your feet!"

"But I wanna cut your feet out from under you!"

As they bickered, Kyle got up, glared at Franz, then smacked the young cavalier over the head with his greenish lance, knocking him out. Amelia smiled at the green-haired cavalier. "Thanks bud-" He then did the same to the enemy soldier, knocking her out as well.

Karson marched over. "What the hell were you THINKING?"

Kyle sighed. "Franz hit me and-"

"Hey hey HEY! Raise your hand when you want to speak!" Kyle sighed, dropping his lance to raise his hand. Karson then took the lance and smacked Kyle over the head with it. "Stupid cavaliers… Hey Blondie! Come heal these losers up! We've got places to go, bad guys to bother!"

Natasha stomped toward them. "Why can't you ever say please? It would be much more polite, you know!"

"Can't be bothered," Karson said, waving her hand dismissively as she walked away. "Okay people! Let's get going here! We have to kill the boss, then claim the throne so that we can finish up this lame battle!"

Ephraim nodded enthusiastically, then noticed a strange siren in the background. Artur covered his ears. "What is that horrible, high-pitched squealing sound? It's so familiar… it's almost like…"

Ephraim's eyes widened, and his pupils dilated. "No… it cannot BE! Run for your lives! Hide wherever you can! And most importantly, protect me from that menace! It's… it's… OH SWEET MOTHER OF LIGHT, IT'S HER!"

The squeal rose to a crescendo, and Tana, astride a pegasus knight, flew out of the dark dungeon staircase. She leapt off her steed and tackled Ephraim to the ground. "EPHIE-POO! I knew you'd come to my rescue! Ohmigosh, I'm so happy to see you! Now you can heroically sweep me off my feet, kiss me romantically, and make me your warrior QUEEN!"

Ephraim choked, unable to breathe under Tana. "Somebody… HELP ME!"

Karson sighed. "This is sweet and all, but we really do have places to go and bad guys to- oh what now?"

The group turned to hear a commotion. Amelia was swinging her lance like a bat and repeatedly striking Franz where he was lying, while Kyle and Natasha observed from a safe distance. The cleric shrugged at Karson. "You told me to heal them! I thought you meant the girl too."

Karson sighed, while Zonta marched up from the back to separate them. "Okay, listen you two! You need to work out your relationship problems by talking, not by hurting each other!"

Franz was weeping piteously. "That's what I tried to do, but she wouldn't listen!"

Amelia scoffed. "Relationship? Our _relationship_ is that of two enemy soldiers! Why are you people staring at me? We're supposed to be fighting!"

Ross stared at Amelia for a moment longer before his tongue rolled out of his mouth and hung there in a disgustingly wolfish manner. "Ooh, baby, baby, bay-_bee_! What are you hanging out with that Franz loser for when you can have a real man!"

Franz glared at the pirate as he flexed his absurdly huge muscles. He turned to smile at the untempted Amelia, only to see that she was ogling Ross. "Wow, now that _is_ sexy!"

Ross grinned. "Oh yeah I am!"

The cavalier jumped between them, smiling at Amelia. "But I have a brain! I can speak in complete sentences and everything!"

"Ross speak can too in sentences!"

Amelia rolled her eyes. "Look, you're both… very… nice… people… But you're also both my enemies. Thus, I'm not going to date either of you. I'll be too busy beating you up. Now bend over and take it like a MAN!"

Artur gagged while Franz blushed. Amelia rolled her eyes again. "You people… I mean that was going to stick my lance through your skulls and watch the brains ooze out the other end!"

Franz sighed in relief. "Worried me for a minute there."

Amelia drew her lance back to do so when another lance struck her over the head, knocking her out. Karson sighed, handing the weapon back to Kyle. "What a waste of time. Somebody finish her off, please."

"NO!" Ross and Franz shouted in unison, running over to kneel at the strategist's feet. Karson scowled in disgust at their begging. "Please don't hurt Amelia!" Franz pled, "I wuv her somfin awful!"

"Ew, not the baby talk…" Karson sighed, "Fine, fine, she can be our prisoner. But if she kills anyone, it's on both of your heads."

Ross and Franz cheered, then noticed one another and scowled.

Meanwhile, Tana was still smothering poor Ephraim. Gilliam rolled his eyes. "Stupid teenagers and their stupid fake love."

Myrrh started jumping up and down angrily. "This sucks! I haven't done anything this whole stupid battle! That's it, I'm going to go kill that stupid boss BY MYSELF!"

* * *

Said boss was busy complaining. "When are those stupid soldiers going to finish up and defeat Ephraim? I have much better things to do then sit here and wait for them! I am a busy man!"

"**Gheeeeeeeeeeeb….**"

Gheb jumped, looking around frantically. "Wh-who is there? Where are you?"

"**I am the ghost of Fort Rigwald! I am here to haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaunt you!**"

Gheb shrieked, then shrieked again when his door burst open. He sighed in relief when he saw it was just a little girl with pigtails of all things. "What are you doing here, widdle girwul?"

Myrrh howled with bestial rage. "You_ dare_ to speak down to Lady Myrrh, the Greatest Great Dragon there ever was?! You shall perish, fat boy!"

Gheb chuckled, holding out a hand to grab Myrrh by the forehead, so that her attempts to rush at him were foiled. She flailed her fists uselessly, howling with rage. He continued laughing until he noticed that several other people were now standing in the room. "Oh uh… when did you guys get here?"

Ephraim glared at the fat man. "About the time when you started abusing poor Myrrh here! Prepare to die, chubster!"

Gheb laughed again. "You forget! I am Gheb, the genius commander of Fort Rigwald! I have never lost a battle, for I happen to possess the greatest military maneuver of all time! Are you ready? This is gonna blow your mind, kids."

Karson laughed. "Yeah right, like it's really something I've never heard of. Okay, fatso, what's the big secret?"

"I don't know! Why are you asking me?"

"Not you Gilliam!"

Gheb was chuckling again, then screamed in horror, pointing behind them. "By the light, what in the hell is THAT?!"

The good guys turned to see Tana standing still, for once. She shrugged. "What?"

Karson sighed, turning back to Gheb. "What's the big… Uh… where did the boss go?"

"Zoink!" Gheb cackled villainously as he jumped out of a window, and then got stuck. "Well… this sucks. In fact, this sucks a lot. Curse my huge girth! Curse it I say!" He struggled, and finally managed to get through and out the window. He chuckled victoriously, until he remembered that he was two stories over the moat. With a sigh, Gheb plummeted into the stagnant waters far below.

Natasha peeked out the window, then turned back to the group. "Looks like we won."

"Not yet we haven't!" Ephraim grinned, then sat down on the throne. "Oh yeah, now… wait… what am I sitting on?" He stood and checked the seat. It was literally coated in mustard. Ephraim checked his pants, and sighed. "Figures."

Karson stretched, smiling smugly. "Another battle won by yours truly. What would you people do without me? Poor Eirika is probably dead by now thanks to that buffoon Mathwin. You guys are soooo lucky."

Ephraim, however, looked pensive, and not because he had condiments all over his backside. "Bring me one of the prisoners."

"Prisoners?" Ross paused, tapping his chin, "What did I do with the… oh yeah, I killed them all!"

Karson sighed, then motioned for Kyle to bring in the two surviving prisoners, an older soldier and Amelia, who had recently woken up. Ephraim beckoned them over. "I have a simple question for you: Why did the Emperor start this war?"

"Duh," Amelia said, rolling her eyes, "because you Renais losers have been asking for it."

Ephraim turned red. "I mean _really_. Why are you fighting us?"

The veteran shrugged. "We get paid!"

"And what are we gonna do, say no? They didn't invent the draft so that people could avoid it."

Ephraim sighed. "But why is this war happening? There must be a better reason!"

The soldiers exchanged a glance. "Well…" the veteran started, hesitantly, "they say that Prince Lyon… well, about a year ago the Emperor started acting… oddly. He just… stopped acting the way he used to. He stopped appearing in public. When he started talking to us again, the main thing on his mind was war. So we went along with it. Hey, we profited off this business!"

Ephraim sighed. "Lyon… What about General Duessel? What's he think about this? Nah, don't tell me. I know he's completely against the war and wants to come to my side."

Amelia scoffed. "Yeah right! General Duessel would never betray Emperor Vigarde! Never! Ever! Never ever never! He's as loyal as ever!"

Ephraim paused. "Well… Prince Lyon then…"

"Not likely," the veteran said, "Prince Lyon is said to have encouraged this in the first place."

Ephraim blinked, shocked. "That can't… you're dismissed. You'll be staying here for the Frelian army to deal with. We're moving on."

* * *

The group left Fort Rigwald behind, taking only some loot, an annoying princess, and one new prisoner, who looked very unhappy to have Ross and Franz as her guards. Ephraim glanced over at Tana as they were walking. "So… where did you get the pegasus?"

Tana smiled. "Oh, I stole it from the stables."

* * *

"Your Grace? My, er, pegasus seems to have been stolen."

King Hayden blinked at the green-haired knight. "Really? Syrene, that is very unlike you. We don't have any pegasi to spare… I guess we'll have to promote you so that you can have a new one." Syrene squealed with delight.

* * *

"Anyways, thanks for letting me come, Ephie-poo! Daddy would be SO mad at me for leaving without permission!"

"Letting you?" Ephraim asked tiredly, "You've kinda handcuffed yourself to my wrist…"

After a few minutes, Tana turned to Ephraim, concerned. "Are you okay, Ephie-poo? You seem kinda depressed."

"Again, you're handcuffed to my wrist."

"Oh yeah. Sorry, just thought it might be about how Duessel and Lyon, your old friends, are gonna kill you as soon as they look at you or something silly like that! Never mind!" She turned away, smiling, not noticing that Ephraim was now more depressed than ever.

* * *

"He calls for Selena to come forward. 'Selena, come forward.'"

Selena Fluorspar approached the throne at the opposite end of the audience chamber, brushing blonde hair from her face, and remaining upright. She mustn't appear weak. That would be foolish. When she was close enough, she looked up into Emperor Vigarde's eyes. "Yes, my liege?"

"General Duessel is moving toward Bethroen. You will take a battalion and follow him, posthaste."

"Understood, your Grace. When I arrive, I will place my troops at General Duessel's disposal-"

"No," Vigarde's eyes were empty, his voice lacking in any tone but that given to him by the clicking sound in the background, "You will strike him down with your own hand. General Duessel is to be executed." He seemed to notice Selena's baffled expression. "Duessel has betrayed Grado and sided with Renais. When Ephraim arrives in Bethroen, he intends to join forces with him. You will prevent this. You will kill them both."

Selena hesitated, then nodded. "Yes… your Grace. I will… do as you say…"


	18. Chapter 10 EP: Turning Traitor

-1**Chapter Ten EP: Turning Traitor**

_Continuing south and east from Fort Rigwald, Ephraim's forces head toward Bethroen, a port town on a bay. There, they hope to seek passage across to Taizel, bringing them closer to the Capital. Also, Ephraim hopes to meet his former teacher, General Duessel, is thought to be in the area. Ephraim hopes to meet him and immediately convince him to switch sides. Of course, Ephraim is being an idiot, since Duessel is a loyal general and all and would never betray his emperor just because some stupid little kid told him to. But hey, why crush his spirits? That's what parents are for._

* * *

Since the raid on the Tower of Valni, Terel had sent his three cohorts on two more missions that he expected to be lucrative while he continued to pursue his own goals, whatever those might be. Gerik and Tethys, a couple as always, got the usual cushy job of protecting some spoiled royal brat on a peaceful camping trip, while Marisa was charged with going all the way to central Grado to meet some sociopath, only then finding out what her job was. 

After spending an hour or so outside the tower fuming about how unfair it was and how much she hated everyone, the pink-haired myrmidon set off. Her journey on foot ended in Bethroen, where she awaited a ship. Unfortunately, no ships were sailing, due to some stupidity about Ghost Pirates. So Marisa was stuck in some village.

Bethroen could hardly be considered a single village. It was in fact two towns on a large dock, with a castle/lighthouse on the end to guard the shipyard. Marisa stayed in the town closest to the castle, in the hopes that she'd be able to catch a boat sailing by. But none did, haunted or otherwise.

So Marisa spent her time fuming, going over the numerous injustices being done to her. For example, how dare Terel give her the hard job, and worse, alone! Why did Tethys always get to go with Gerik? Sure, she was a helpless dancer that really had no place in a mercenary company, but how much combat experience did one need to protect some stupid noble on a camping trip?

And why did she have to meet with the sociopath? Was it because she dressed differently? Well, as Marisa liked to think, she didn't dress differently: everyone else just happened to dress the same! She snickered quietly to herself over her genius observation while leaning against the window pane of the inn she was staying in, watching two small armies meeting at the castle.

* * *

General Duessel smiled as General Selena rode up to meet him, though his smile faded when he realized that she looked very worried. "Selena, it is good to see you, but why have you come?" 

Selena adjusted her uniform. "The Emperor, in light of the recent conquest of Fort Rigwald, felt it would be prudent to supply you with more troops. Now then, Ephraim's forces should be coming from the north, apparently in the hopes of taking a ship from here to attack the Empire. Will you give the order to attack?"

Duessel snorted. "He's not even here yet! What's the point of giving the order?" He sighed in relief at his expert stalling tactic, but then blanched when he saw soldiers in the distance, quickly approaching. "Ah, well…" Duessel turned to see Selena watching him expectantly, "Well, er, let's wait a moment, shall we? Might not be him-"

"Hello down there!" came a yell from the approaching group, "This is Zonta! I hope there aren't any Grado down there, because Prince Ephraim here is not on the best terms with Grado! So all Grado, you better go away before we-"

"You idiot!" Duessel winced when he recognized the shrill voice of Renais' best tactician, "Shut up! You're giving us away!"

"I just wanted to be polite!"

Duessel pulled at his collar, which was quite impossible since it was made of metal, nervously. "Well… um… So, shall we wait for them to get here?"

Selena frowned. "General Duessel, you're stalling. Why are you hesitant to attack?"

Duessel sighed. "Forgive me, Selena, but I am having second thoughts. Perhaps if I speak with Ephraim, I can convince him to surrender. He's a good lad, but he's never been particularly… bold. I'm sure I can intimidate him into giving up without a fight. I truly do not want to hurt the boy."

He glanced at his fellow officer and was surprised by the look on her face. It was one of anguish, one that twisted his old heart. "Duessel… it's true… you've betrayed us. You want to side… with the enemy! I-I looked up to you as a father! A teacher!"

"Selena, what are you saying? I am not betraying Grado! I have lived my life in service to-"

"Enough! Enough of your lies! Duessel, Obsidian General of Grado, you stand accused of treason to his Grace, the Emperor Vigarde! The sentence is death, to be carried out immediately!" Selena drew back her left hand, as if to slap him. It glowed and pulsed with electric energy, lightning crackling from her fingertips.

Duessel stood gaping, his warhorse rearing of its own accord. Selena struck at him, and a bolt flew from her hand and struck the general in his chest. He flew off his horse, several yards backward and onto the ground. He tried to sit up, struggling due to the pain. "Se-Selena! What are you-"

"I will not listen to you, traitor!" Selena drew her hand back again, charging it with lightning once more. Duessel stood, but did not draw his weapon. Three of his men rushed forward, seemingly to attack him. One grasped the reins of his steed, while the other two grabbed the general by the arms and dragged him away, ignoring his protests.

The four fled toward the town closest to the castle. As they approached it, the world underneath them shook, as if with horror at the events transpiring on its surface.

* * *

A short while before, Ephraim and his companions entered the general region of Bethroen (since we already established that it isn't a single town). As they entered, a messenger on a pegasus flew over to Ephraim. She looked around, brushing brown hair from her face, and cursed surprisingly fluently. "I must've taken a wrong turn at Serafew… Oh hey, Prince Ephraim, and… Princess Tana?" 

Tana squealed, causing Ephraim to wince. "Random Messenger! Look! I'm a pegasus knight, and I get to go with Ephie-poo on his quest!"

The messenger faked a smile. "Oh… great… Since I'm here, I might as well tell you what's what. There's a revolt going on in Carcino, and Prince Innes is in the thick of it. I already got your sister to go help, though she was rather snotty about the whole deal."

Ephraim raised an eyebrow. "Carcino? No wai! Eirika! That sounds bad… But, um, what am I supposed to do about it? I'm kinda far away, and in the middle of my own mission…"

"Oh, I know," the messenger informed him curtly, "I got lost on the way to Frelia. Any chance you can point me in the right direction? That way? Thanks." She flew off in the direction Zonta handily indicated.

Karson glared at him. "That's the wrong way…"

Zonta smiled. "I know. Hey look, it's the town! I'd better go see if any soldiers are around!"

You can probably fill in what happened next yourself. After Karson was done verbally abusing the blonde mercenary, she blinked in surprise at the debacle below. "Those soldiers are fighting. Aw, now they're running. I was enjoying the-"

Then the world shook, yada yada personification and whatnot. Tana shrieked the whole time, clinging to Ephraim, while Ross did the same, except clinging to Amelia, who did not look happy about it. When the tremor stopped, Natasha sighed with relief. "Grado has not experienced such a terrible earthquake in years…"

Franz gaped. "That was an earthquake?"

"Obviously," Gilliam muttered, getting off the ground.

Kyle raised his hand while Ephraim rubbed his head to mask his quick attempt to sneak his hand out of Tana's handcuff (an attempt which failed, of course). When he looked up, he sighed and pointed at Kyle. "Aren't those the generals Duessel and Selena down there fighting?"

Karson squinted to see, then nodded. "Looks like it. I think it would be best to take advantage of the distraction they are causing one another and scoot around here, continuing on our way to the capital, hopefully with two less generals to bother us."

Ephraim shook his head. "No way. We're going down there to help Duessel! Then he'll join us in our fight against EVIL!"

"But- but that's-" Karson gaped as the rest of the party sighed and followed Ephraim, then threw her hands in the air, "Why me? Why me why me why me?"

* * *

Duessel drank the vulnerary, finishing it before remounting his warhorse. "Thank you men but… it would be wisest if you fled. We cannot hope to win this battle. Go surrender to Selena so that you might save your own lives." 

One of the soldiers shook his head. "Never sir! We're with you for life! We know you'd never betray Grado for some loser like Prince Sissy of Renais!"

Duessel cleared his throat nervously. "Right, well-"

"Also," one of the soldiers added, "if we were to find out that you _were_ going to betray Grado, we'd have to kill you for making us betray the Emperor and putting ourselves on death row for the sake of a dirty traitor."

Duessel pulled on his un-pullable collar again. "Hah… right…"

Meanwhile, in the village, Marisa was playing with her sword, playing here being defined as throwing it at moving targets. Luckily for the people the myrmidon was targeting, she had very good aim. Marisa sighed, bored. All that ever happened in Bethroen was some stupid battle. Where were all the ships?

Even more meanwhile, a ship was approaching…

* * *

"General Selena! Enemies approach from the north! Soldiers, led by Prince Ephraim!" 

Selena nodded. "Good… I will show my loyalty. I will slay both the traitor Duessel and the interloper Prince Ephraim. I will serve the Emperor to my dying breath…"

The mage knight raised her hand, and lightning crackled along the length of her arm. It shot upward, straight into the sky, a pillar of powerful electricity. Around it, the clouds formed into a swirling black storm, reaching outward to blot out the sun all over Bethroen. "Thunder!" Selena shouted into the resulting din of raging winds, "Thunder hear my cry!"

One of her soldiers leaned over to another. "Geez, she totally stole that from FE7."

A bolt struck down from that seething mass, straight at the party that was swiftly approaching.

* * *

Artur glanced up, a concerned look on his face. "I've seen this before… Yes, I studied something like this once! These are the effects of the spell Bolting! Tactician! Miss Karson! We're in terrible-" 

"Shush Father Carrot-top! I'm busy!" Karson was 'busy' shouting orders at all the other members of the army.

Artur jumped up and down futilely. "This is _really_ important! I mean _really_, _really_ important! Life-threatening!" However, no one was listening. Artur sighed, then was struck by an epiphany. He drew out his magic microphone and jumped onto a nearby wall. "_Thunder is falling from the sky-ai-ai!_"

Ross screeched and fell to the ground, foaming at the mouth. Franz scowled at the monk. "Haven't we already talked about not singing when near other living people?"

Myrrh laughed evilly at Artur, until she was struck by a bolt of lightning and flung halfway across the map. Ephraim swallowed nervously. "Um… that could be a problem…"

Karson gaped, looking around for the source of the attack. "Long-range magic! We're in trouble now. Geez, Brother Tone-Deaf, couldn't you have told us that earlier?"

Artur sighed, then blinked. "Wait… what happened to Father Carrot-Top?"

"You've been demoted, monkey boy," Karson turned her back on the distraught ascetic, "Okay, we need some new strategies! I'll figure out where the magic-user is so I can then calculate the total blast range, then we can carefully keep our low-resistance units outside of it and draw the enemy's fire with people who can easily resist the attacks."

Gilliam sighed with relief. "It's nice to know that Karson is more capable than Mathwin. That moron's strategy usually amounted to 'kill the bad guys'."

Karson sneered. "Told ya so." She then set about calculating figures and such on her map.

* * *

Selena prepared another bolt of lightning, when she heard someone behind her. "General Selena, please pardon my intrusion…" 

The general turned around to see a man with styled brown hair and a cultured appearance, smiling calmly. "I am here under direct orders from his Grace the Emperor. You are to return to the capital immediately. My men will be replacing you."

Selena gaped. "N-no! I must… I have them right where I want them!"

The man shook his head. "I'm afraid it's not an option. You are to depart immediately, General Selena."

Selena ground her teeth, but nodded. She turned to glare at Duessel. "You… I will see to it that you pay for your treachery…" With that, she rode to the shipyard and took the first ship available.

Tirado smiled. "Ah yes, ever the loyal servant, and trusting to a fault. Accept my apologies, General Selena," he turned to the castle, where his two servants awaited. "Forde, you will sneak onto the ship the Prince takes. Remember your mission."

Forde grinned. "Well of course. I thought the plan up, after all." He rode off to the shipyard to hide.

Tirado looked to the sniper. "Danen, you will take Selena's place in commanding the forces here. Remember, we want Ephraim to survive this. Duessel does not matter: if he tries to kill the boy, kill him."

Danen frowned. "What fun is that?"

Tirado rolled his eyes. "Oh fine. But don't go… too hard on Ephraim. He is only a whelp, after all. Just be sure to let him survive this battle." With that, the lord returned to the ship he had arrived in and sailed off, to continue his plans.

* * *

Artur smiled. "Oh good. The storm has cleared. The mage using Bolting must have run out… or stopped… or left… or died… Well, something must have happened…" 

Karson gaped at him, then threw her pencil down on her complicated blueprints. "Stupid math! You've failed me again!"

Ephraim's forces reached the entrance to the dock area, thus far unchallenged by enemy forces, other than the bolts from the blue, or rather, the stormy gray. Karson rubbed her hands together. "Alright, there are Grado soldiers just down there. Let's get ready for combat. Spread out everyone. This'll be a tough battle, so we're going to need every helping hand we have."

Franz and Ross glanced at each other, than at Amelia, who was manacled and being pulled along behind them. The cavalier turned to the strategist. "What about the prisoner? We can't leave her unattended."

Ephraim grinned. "Don't worry! After the time she has spent with us, she had undoubtedly seen the light and will no longer hold any loyalty to her people!"

Amelia scoffed, then paused. "Um… yeah, right. Go Renais. Down with Grado. Sure, whatever, now gimme a lance and let me go to town!"

Karson laughed. "No way. How gullible do you think we are?"

Ephraim nudged the tactician playfully, which caused Karson to glare venomously at him. "It's fine! She's just a weak little recruit anyway. What can she do to us?"

"Actually," Artur pointed out, "She's a Knight now. Apparently she gained so much experience from beating us up in Fort Rigwald that she managed to promote."

Ephraim blinked, looking at the heavy armor Amelia was wearing. "Oh… how did we not notice?"

Gilliam sighed. "I guess I'm not unique any more. Now they probably won't want me around."

Karson sneered. "Obviously."

The prince approached the prisoner and removed her manacles, handing her a lance. He patted her on the shoulder. "Just don't stick that in any of the good guys."

Amelia smiled. "Oh, don't worry about that." She then proceeded to jab her lance into Ephraim, though he dodged in time to only be grazed along his side. The knight swung her lance around to knock Ross and Franz over the head, then spun and ran away from the group, toward the Grado soldiers.

Karson sighed. "_Never_ would have seen this coming," she turned to see Natasha holding her staff over Ephraim to heal his wound. The tactician narrowed her eyes at the cleric, "I hope we don't have any _other_ traitors in our midst…"

Natasha jerked and froze. When the prince's wound had closed, she turned to stand stiff-backed and frown at Karson. "You doubt me? You think I would betray you after all this time?"

"All this time? We've known each other for… what, a week? Two? I don't trust anyone from Grado, especially someone who betrayed Grado."

Natasha's mouth tightened into a grim line. "Yes… I am a traitor. And watching you people slaughter my countrymen… it hurts me… I am doing this to stop the Emperor from destroying the Sacred Stones. I do not support Renais in any other endeavor. I am not going to betray the Stones."

Karson sneered. "You'll just betray everyone else that gets in your way?"

The cleric did not answer. Ephraim stood, glancing between them. "Listen… let's not fight right now. Apparently, Amelia isn't on our side after all. But Duessel is down there, and he's going to help us! We just have to save him first!"

Karson rolled her eyes. "Ephraim you idiot, why do you think he's going to betray his country like Blondie here- _What_, Kyle?"

The green-haired cavalier dropped his hand. "Shouldn't we be fighting the Grado instead of standing her arguing about loyalty?"

The tactician sniffed. "Yeah, we're getting to that."

Kyle nodded, then gave a start before raising his hand again. Karson ground her teeth, then pointed at him again. "Where's Myrrh?"

Karson grinned. "Oh, I _knew_ we were forgetting _something._ What a _tragedy_."

Ephraim blinked as well. "The world… seems… less horrifically tragic and filled with woe. Something's wrong…" The prince's gaze happened to pass to his wrist, where the handcuffs were hanging limply, "Where's… Tana?"

* * *

"Where is Selena? It is not like her to abandon a battle…" Duessel sighed, "Not that I was looking forward to fighting her anyway. But still…" 

"General!" Duessel turned to see a knight in red armor running, surprisingly quickly, toward them. Duessel drew his axe until the knight stopped to salute, removing the helmet to show that it was a girl. "My name is Amelia, Amelia of the town of Silva! I'm reporting for duty, sir!"

Duessel blinked, the stroked his black and gray beard. "In the middle of a battle that has begun because I am being wrongly accused of treason?"

Amelia blanched. "Wh-what? Treason! But-but I came to serve the general of Grado, not a traitor!"

The Obsidian scowled. "I am _not_ a traitor! I just said that I am being _wrongly_ accused! Goodness, you young people never listen! If you listened a bit more, this battle- hell, this _war_- might not be happening right now! Listen to me, I would never betray my Emperor. Now we must convince our countrymen this!"

Amelia hesitated, but nodded, taking up a place beside the general.

Inside the village, the citizens were all cringing in their homes, covering their ears with pillows and any other convenient objects that blotted out noise, all to save themselves from the horrible keening coming from the town center.

For in the middle of the village, Marisa was singing, badly and loudly, a song about how terrible her life and the world was and how everything with a pulse was out to make her unhappy. Emo music, basically. She was also busy splashing water from the fountain on her face to make the absurd amount of mascara around her eyes run, so it looked like she had been crying, since Marisa never REALLY cried.

Her horrible shrieking finally stopped with a humongous sigh. She looked around, wondering why she didn't have some sort of audience. Why did no one appreciate her talent? It made her angry enough to draw her sword and start hacking randomly at nearby houses, which she hoped would anger the inhabitants enough to come out and yell at her, only to be entranced by her singing, which would reflect her deep and amazingly broken soul.

Before she could start hacking at houses, however, a flaming comet struck the fountain in the town square, reducing the attractive stone furnishing into a pile of smoldering rubble. Marisa turned to blink at it (and couldn't help but notice the resemblance between the stone pile and her charred and broken heart) until a small, indigo-haired girl emerged, standing shakily. "Owee, that her. Where did that lightning bolt come from?" she muttered, glancing around at her new surroundings.

Marisa managed what could only be described as a shadow of a smile, a wicked shift of facial features that seemed to indicate that she was about to smile, though no smile touched her lips. _At last_, she thought in her dark and brooding mind, _an audience!_

* * *

Danen sighed. Boss duty was so dull when one did not have absurdly long-range attacks, as Selena had. What was he supposed to do until someone showed up for him to shoot at? The sniper leaned against the wall of the shipyard castle, tapping his already strung bow against the wall behind him rhythmically. 

Suddenly, the sniper detected a strange sound in the distance, a hideous, shrieking sound rising steadily in volume as it approached. He turned to see a speck on the horizon, steadily growing larger, until he could see that it was some sort of flying… thing. He squinted, then cursed. A Pegasus Knight, from Frelia, obviously. He nocked an arrow and aimed as the knight rushed toward him, appearance suddenly clear-

-And swept over and past him, flying onward. Danen followed it with his bow, but did not fire. She was going too fast. He'd miss. She kept going, flying over the ocean, then turned to fly back toward him, circling in a wide arc. Danen pursed his lips, waiting.

She came closer, than angled to charge him, her lance held at the ready. Danen drew back on his bowstring, waiting for her to come closer, just a bit closer. It was just a girl, with blue hair in a ponytail, and an expression of rage mixed with excitement. Danen almost felt bad.

When she was close enough, he dodged. Not rolled, so much as vanished in a black smear to appear behind her, narrowly missing being skewered. He fired his arrow, and the Pegasus Knight fell, skidded off the ground, and plummeted into the sea.

* * *

Ross and Franz had recovered enough from being smacked over the head to catch up with the rest of the group, drawing their weapons for battle. Franz had a grim scowl of determination. "I must rescue fair Amelia! Clearly her misguided loyalty has blinded her to the fact that I'm a good-looking hero that she must fall in love with!" 

Ross turned to stare at him, still running, "You're kinda FULL of yourself, aren't you? Besides, Amelia likes me way more than you. I'm hot!"

Franz rolled his eyes, speeding up his horse to pass the pirate, "You shouldn't speak to your commanding officer so, Ross. Now hurry up! You're so easily left behind." Ross coughed in the dust the cavalier's steed kicked up, pausing to rub at his eyes. Franz chuckled at his own petty superiority.

In the front, Ephraim twirled his lance, knocking back Grado soldier. He ducked down and stabbed forward to finish off a particularly stubborn swordsman, and was clouted over the head by a fighter with an axe. Stumbling, he was saved from death by Kyle riding over with his sword.

Karson scowled. "These soldiers weren't coming for us. Looks like they're attacking someone by that village."

Natasha, reluctantly standing by the tactician, squinted at the fighters. Then she gasped. "It's Amelia! And with her… General Duessel! Why are they fighting Grado?"

Ephraim cheered. "I told you! General Duessel is on OUR side!"

Karson rolled her eyes. "Don't count on it. He just threw an axe at us."

The Prince blinked. "What? No, you must be mistaken. He's attacking the Grado to help us! And besides, he couldn't it us from there- Oh, um, that looks painful."

"Obviously!" Gilliam muttered through clenched teeth as he looked down at the axe imbedded in his armor.

Karson chuckled, then glanced back at Duessel and shouted in alarm. "They're charging us! Get in positions! Gilliam, get that axe out of your armor and get in front! Zonta, you- what are you doing?"

The mercenary held up his checkbook. "You said he was charging us! I don't have much cash, so I figured he probably wouldn't mind taking a check."

Karson slapped her forehead. "Why must I be forced to endure such lame jokes? HONESTLY!" She turned to see Gilliam, having done as she ordered, be smashed aside by the General's axe. Karson cursed, "He's a Great Knight, so grab armorslayers and horsekillers! Come on people, use the knight and cavalier killing weapons!"

Artur blinked at the strategist. "We have things like those?"

Ross, who had finally caught up, chuckled. "I dooooo!" He stuck one of his axes in the ground and pulled a hammer out of… well, wherever he was keeping it. He then roared and charged Duessel, striking at the general with his axes. Duessel scowled, blocking easily with his silver axe.

Meanwhile, Zonta found himself under attack by Amelia, whose lance easily outmatched his sword. The mercenary screamed in terror, trying to run away, only to have a javelin strike him in the back. Before Amelia could crow in triumph, Ephraim easily broke through her armor with his Reginleif, before turning to Duessel. "Sir!"

Duessel smacked Ross over the head, defeating the pirate, then turned to Ephraim. His craggy face softened for a moment. "Ephraim… we are not friends here, boy. We are here to do battle."

The Prince blinked, looking as though he had been struck across the face. Karson sneered, screaming "I told you so!" She turned away to deal with the three cavaliers attacking Franz, Kyle, Artur, and Natasha. Ephraim seemed almost ready to cry when Duessel roared a battle cry, charging with his axe held high, his mighty, armored warhorse shaking the ground beneath them.

Surely, this would have been the end of the Prince, if a certain indigo-haired psychopath had not leapt seemingly from nowhere, grabbing the general around the face, and steering him away from Ephraim. Duessel cursed, grabbing Myrrh with his free hand and tossing her aside. He tried to regain control of his horse, but not before charging straight into a tree.

Kyle and Franz held back the cavaliers with their lances as best they could, but Franz was stabbed in the chest and fell from his mount by one, and Kyle was taking numerous wounds to his arms and chest. Artur called on the Light to strike one of the cavaliers, but another one shoved past Kyle to stab Artur, who fell, crying out in pain. Natasha looked up from healing Franz to see a cavalier looming threateningly over her.

He reared back to strike, but a lance stabbing under his arm stopped him. Ephraim whirled around, stabbing Reginleif through another cavalier who was preoccupied with Kyle, while the cavalier finished the fourth enemy.

Myrrh, meanwhile, was jumping on Duessel's chest, keeping the wounded general from rising. After healing Franz, Artur, and Kyle, Natasha ran over to the Obsidian. Karson grabbed her by the upper arm. "I don't think so, traitor! You aren't healing our enemies again!"

"Let her go," the strategist turned to gape at the Prince, but he spoke grimly over her protests, "Let her heal General Duessel. He has some explaining to do."

Ross had stood up, ignoring his bleeding shoulder to run to Amelia. "Heal her too!" he shouted, trying to help her stand. Despite her wound, Amelia managed to smack Ross away, causing him to drop her with a crunch.

The cleric healed Duessel first, then went to the young knight. Karson grabbed her by the arm again. "Heal Gilliam first! Last thing we need is that bratty wench to be able to chase us with her lance again!" Natasha scowled at the tactician, but did as she was told.

Duessel rose, grasping for his axe, which had fallen several feet away. Ephraim positioned himself in the general's way, staring down accusatorially at the older man. "General Duessel… why did you attack me?"

The Obsidian scoffed. "Why? We are enemies here, boy! Did you forget that? You are the Prince of Renais, and you have allied with Frelia. I am a soldier of Grado, and loyal servant to his Grace, Emperor Vigarde."

"But- But surely you don't agree with what Vigarde is doing! Surely you know that he's a monster, that you must come to my side!" Ephraim's voice was pleading, pathetic almost, the voice of a child begging a parent not to leave him alone in his dark room.

Duessel scowled. "He is my liege, boy. He may not be a friend to Renais, but Duessel has always faithfully led and defended his people, which is his real duty. I swore my life to Emperor Vigarde. I am not going to throw it away for one war that I do not understand."

Karson sneered, inserting herself into the conversation. "And yet, it looks like you're fighting Grado here. Seems odd to me for the general of Grado to do that."

Duessel blanched, turning away to scowl in the general direction of the shipyard castle. "This… I do not know what this is about. I intend to find that out when I return to the capital. I'm sure it is merely a mistake on Selena's part. His Grace would never suspect me of treason."

Ephraim turned away from his former teacher. "Fine then!" he shouted childishly, "I don't care about you! I'm going to stop Vigarde, and I don't need your help to do it!" The Prince ran off toward the castle.

Zonta shook his head, then turned to Myrrh. "When did you get here?"

The small girl glared at the mercenary. "I just saved Ephraim! Duh! Of course, the only real reason I left the safety of that village was to escape from that awful music."

Zonta was about to ask about the music when he heard someone approaching. He turned to see a pink-haired woman in dark red clothing approach, her heavily applied mascara running, though it appeared to have been done with fountain water, rather than actual tears. She had a large, curved, dully red sword in hand, and a frightening scowl on her face. Myrrh cowered behind Zonta. "Not the singing! Please, no more of your creepy angst poetry!"

Marisa glared at her. "How DARE you! Why does no one appreciate my literary genius?! No one understands me!"

Zonta backed away. "Heavens, she's terrifying!"

"I know!" Myrrh shouted, then turned to see that the rest of the party was leaving, "Come on, we'll use them as an excuse to run away before she starts reciting her poetry again!"

The mercenary and the girl turned to run away, leaving a furious Marisa to brutally slaughter a nearby tree with her Killing Edge.

* * *

Duessel did not try to struggle against his bonds, but Amelia did. It took Gilliam, Franz, and Ross to hold her in check, kicking and shouting curses. "You shall fall before the might of Grado! All of you shall PERISH!" 

"Can it, girly!" Karson said, though her gaze was focused on the waters. Suddenly, she cried out, "It's that annoying brat Tana!"

Ephraim left his sulky marching long enough to shout in surprise. He and Kyle ran down to pull the unconscious Pegasus Knight and her steed from the water. The Prince ran a hand through his green hair. "How did this happen?"

Karson rolled her eyes, turning to point to the castle, which was no longer quite so far away. "The boss, obviously. He looks like a sniper, a high level one from the looks of it. But it looks like he's the only one left. The rest of the Grado soldiers must've run away."

Duessel looked up, then nodded. "He is no soldier of the Empire. Amelia!" The female knight stopped struggling to stand at attention, or as best as she could while being held in place by three people, "This man is no ally of the Emperor. You will assist Prince Ephraim in combating him."

Amelia gaped. "What? But-"

"That is a direct order, soldier. If you will unbind me, I will help you."

Karson scoffed. "No way! You'll just stab us in the back!"

Natasha frowned. "General Duessel would never do any such thing! He is a good and honorable man, more than can be said for many in this… army!"

The tactician sneered at the cleric. "Looking suspicious again, Blondie." Natasha paled, turning away.

Ross had already cut Amelia's bonds, and Gilliam cried out. "Moron! We're dead!" He cowered, ducking down, but after several minutes realized he had not been skewered. Amelia, scowling was holding still.

She sighed. "I will follow my orders. General Duessel is my commanding officer, and I must do as he commands."

Ephraim had already stood, his own lance drawn. "Come on! This jerk is going to pay for this!" He charged toward the sniper, his Reginleif at the ready. The rest of the party sighed collectively, then followed.

Marisa was still following. She needed a ship, and she might yet get one. Meanwhile, she was mentally writing more poetry. _Oh terrible pangs of terribleness! What sorrows I must suffer! When will someone understand my- um… Damn, what rhymes with "terribleness"?_

* * *

Danen sighed. One battle. Where were the others? He turned, and there they were. One of those "ask and you shall receive" moments, apparently. He nocked an arrow and turned to face them. The first was Prince Ephraim himself, of course. The Prince had his ornate Reginleif lance out. "You nearly killed Tana! You're gonna pay!" 

Karson raised a warning hand. "Ephraim, don't just charge at him. We need a strategy here. This guy is a high level sniper- He can basically take you down in one shot. You need to get close enough that he can't shoot at you."

Ephraim waved his hand dismissively at the strategist, then charged, shouting. Danen rolled his eyes. Child's play. He raised his bow and released the arrow in one swift motion. Ephraim tried to dodge, but was caught in the shoulder, and hit the ground hard. The dark-haired and clothed sniper had already drawn another arrow to shoot again.

Artur ran a few steps forward, raising his hands. With a flash of light, the sniper was struck with magic, losing his aim. To make up for it, he turned and fired at the monk, who was taken in the chest. Artur blinked, then collapsed. Taking advantage of the enemy's surprise, Ephraim darted forward to stab him-

-and missed. The Prince blinked, baffled, and looked around. Karson cursed. "He- He freaking teleported! How the hell did he do that?!" She glanced around, then pointed to the top of the castle, where a dark form could be seen. Another arrow flew, striking Ephraim in the chest. The Prince fell to his knees.

Duessel pulled an axe from his side, a smaller one than the large silver axe he had primarily used. He spun it in his hands, then threw it at the sniper. Danen teleported, but the flying axe still grazed his side before he disappeared, then flew back to the Great Knight. Ross gaped at Duessel. "You- You threw it that far?!"

Danen reappeared behind Duessel, took aim, and started to fire. Amelia and Gilliam leapt on him at once, knocking him down. He disappeared before his arrow could be released. Then he reappeared above the group, falling from nowhere, and released his arrow. It bounced off Duessel's armor, and the sniper teleported in midair.

"This is just WRONG!" Karson shouted, "He cannot freaking TELEPORT, I tell you!"

Natasha, having healed Artur, ran to Ephraim, who was trying to pull the two arrows from his shoulder and chest. Danen appeared, standing above him, an arrow nocked and aimed at the Prince's head, between his eyes. The cleric froze.

Danen frowned at the Prince. "Not at all impressive. I am severely disappointed in you." With that, he disappeared.

Myrrh, who had sat back to watch the entire fight without bothering to help, or even yell encouragement, sighed in disappointment, "Geez, that was anticlimactic! Can't we have a cool boss battle?"

Artur frowned. "I thought getting badly wounded was pretty cool…"

Natasha healed Ephraim, who stood and went to Amelia and Duessel, stopping Kyle from tying their hands again. "Teacher… At least come with me. We can find out what is wrong with Emperor Vigarde together. Will you do that for me?"

Duessel paused, then nodded. "Yes… I must…"

Natasha cleared her throat. "General Duessel, please… Of everyone in the Empire, other than his own, son, you are closest to the Emperor. What has caused him to seek to destroy the Sacred Stones? Why did he decide to attack and conquer Renais?"

Duessel shrugged. "The conquest is somewhat self-explanatory. Renais was just SITTING there, after all. Practically asking to be captured, really. As for the Stones, I have no clue. I will say… lately, it seems like there is nothing left of the Emperor. He has stopped caring about lives, and he seems emotionless."

Natasha pressed him further, "There must be something else! Anything at all that coincides with this terrible turn of events?"

Duessel stroked his beard thinking. Then he blinked. "There is… I don't know much about this, but the mages of the capital had been working on a project. The end result was this black rock… I see Prince Lyon playing with it every time he is around his father. Perhaps there is no connection but… Ah, Master Knoll! If anyone would know about the strange knickknacks the mages made, it would be him."

"Knoll?" Ephraim said, suddenly entering the conversation.

Duessel nodded. "Knoll is the head of the royal mages, a very intelligent scholar. He… he was trying to tell me something… Perhaps he does know something about Emperor Vigarde's condition. Oh, if only I had listened to him!"

"Where is he?" Natasha pressed.

"In the castle. He has been trying to speak with the Emperor, about the rock, I suppose, and about Prince Lyon."

"Lyon…" Ephraim nodded. "We must speak with Knoll, and Lyon as well. This black rock… it must have something to do with the war!"

Just then Tana sat up, as though nothing had happened. She then proceeded to squeal idiotically and jumped on Ephraim. "Ephie-poo! You saved me from the terrible archer man! My HERO!"

Ephraim struggled to escape, and failed. "Lemme go! I can't breathe again!"

Franz shook his head. "Silly young love… Oh, Amelia, I picked these flowers for you while Ross was busy tying your hands! Want to see?"

Amelia ignored the cavalier, turning to Duessel. "General… What are my orders?"

The Obsidian General paused. "You have aided a traitor in fighting the Grado army. You cannot go back to the Empire now," Amelia paled, and seemed almost ready to cry. Duessel frowned, regretting his bluntness, "You can come with me. We will sort out this mess together, and soon we will both be able to go home." He smiled at her, then ruffled her hair.

Karson sighed, then turned to the shipyard. "Come on, the fastest way to reach the capital is by sea. Since there doesn't seem to be anyone around, I think we can go ahead and take one. Come on people, we need to get ready for a voyage here!"

* * *

Karson clapped her hands for attention, looking around the crowded deck of the ship. "We have everything?" 

Myrrh grinned evilly. "We got lots of supplies from the village! They were ahem glad to ahem give us all their stuff, for free, of course. Some of their men were also ahem willing to help us sail!"

The tactician smiled equally evilly. "Good girl. Is everyone here? I would just_ hate_ to leave anyone behind. Come on, let's take a head count- Hey, who the hell are you?"

Marisa had marched onto the ship, pushing people out of her way, including Karson. "Hey, you can't come on this- Whoa now, put the sword away!" The strategist backed away from the angry myrmidon, who then slammed open a door and marched inside, apparently to pick a cabin. Karson sighed. "Great, now we have a passenger. Let's get out of here before anyone ELSE sneaks on board."

Ross cheered. "At last, I get to act all piratey! Argh, me hearties! To the open seas! Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!"

Kyle waved his hand around, but was ignored by Ephraim, who was leaning on the railing of the ship, staring off into the distance. Apparently, the Prince was depressed. Even Tana was unwilling to go to him.

Meanwhile, below deck, Forde smiled to himself, glad he had picked such a good hiding place. They would _never_ find him! Who ever thought to look under the beds, anyway?"

Ready at last, the ship bearing Ephraim's "army" set off, to sail ever closer to the capital of the Grado empire.

Meanwhile(er), another ship had already passed Bethroen. L'Arachel laughed insanely. "Soon, those fiendish Ghost Pirates will be smitten by my incredible smitey-ness!"

Rennac sighed. "Now you're making up words. Can you just leave me here? Please? I don't want to fight Ghost Pirates! Regular pirates are bad enough! I hate my liiiiiiiiiiiiiife!"

* * *

Author's Note: Sorry you had to read two Ephraim chapters in a row. This, however, won't be the last time I do it in this format. I swear, it's not random: I'm doing the chapters in a certain order so I can get some things right chronologically. Anyway, hope this chapter wasn't too nonsensical. I wrote alot of the last part late and somewhat tired, but I didn't think it looked too awful...


	19. Chapter Ten EI: Revolt at Carcino

-1**Chapter Ten EI: Revolt at Carcino**

_Unable to find a ship in Port Kiris, Princess Eirika and her companions must instead take a land route through the country of Carcino, a mercantile republic governed by an elected body of businessmen. Carcino has, since its beginning, been bullied into subservience by its neighbors of Frelia, Renais, and Jehanna. Now, emboldened by the Grado Empire's promises, Carcino has begun to fight back against Frelia, trapping Prince Innes in Teraz Plateau. Since it is convenient, Eirika rushes to his aid._

_Meanwhile, Eirika herself is hunted down by the Sun and Moonstones, the wyvern-riding generals Valter and Glen…_

* * *

Just after meeting with Emperor Vigarde to receive his orders to find and capture the Renais royalty, Glen went to his brother in his room, mostly to complain about what he had to do, and to get over his hangover. When he was sober enough to no longer slur, Cormag started to reprimand him. "Glen, you're shameful! Meeting his Grace while drunk!"

Glen waved his hand dismissively at his younger brother. "It doesn't matter. Vigarde doesn't notice anything any more. He's… there's nothing left of him, I think. The man I used to know seems to be gone…"

Cormag paused. "What do you know about this Princess Eirika? Have you ever met her? Other than that time in Serafew, I mean, since you were too intoxicated to actually remember that."

The general shrugged. "I hear she's an arrogant little wench, and not particularly compassionate. She kills without hesitation. She has no regard for the safety of others. All in all, I'd say she's a pretty awful person."

"There, see? That clears up your moral dilemma," Cormag smiled grimly, patting his brother on the shoulder, "Why feel bad about capturing such a horrible person?"

"It's not her so much as… What does Vigarde want the Sacred Stone of Renais for? They're just stupid rocks. Worth little to nothing monetarily. There isn't enough of Renais left to revolt, so demoralization doesn't seem to be an issue…" Glen shrugged again, "I don't know, I guess it just concerns me. What if he actually thinks the Stones have the power to release the Seal to vaults in the Dark Temple, where all of the legions of monsters are supposed to be kept? And worse, what if he were right? What if the Demon King's armies still existed?"

Cormag sighed. "Come on, Glen, those are just stupid stories. And why would the Emperor want an army of monsters?"

Glen ran a hand through his short, golden hair. "I don't know… and maybe some of it is morals. Horrid she might bet, but Princess Eirika has already lost her home and her father. Vigarde is probably going to marry her off, maybe to his son, or some other noble he can control, so that Renais will fall under the Empire's control diplomatically. Once I capture her, Eirika has a dark future ahead of her."

"So?" Glen glanced to his brother, not answering. Cormag shook his head. "Glen, this is none of our concern anyway. You must fulfill the Emperor's orders, or you'll be a traitor. I'm already worried about General Duessel. I hear he was arguing with the Emperor in the corridor after you left."

"That's ridiculous!" Glen shouted, turning away, "Duessel would never betray the Empire!"

"I know, I know," Cormag said gently, holding his hands up in a peace gesture, "I was just repeating something I had heard. I don't suspect General Duessel any more than you do. But listen, you still need to fulfill your orders. That isn't a choice you get to make."

Glen's shoulders tensed and he set his jaw stubbornly, then relaxed slightly. "I need a drink…"

"Not now, brother. You need to go and find the Princess. She'll be in Carcino by now. Our friends in the Council have already set about scaring the citizens into refusing to set sail, so she'll be forced to take the land route, if she doesn't turn around and go back to Frelia. You can catch her either way, before she reaches allies."

Glen nodded, and the two brothers left Cormag's room. When the older brother pushed open the door, he heard a crash, and several imprecations. Once both were in the hall way, Glen slammed the door shut to see Valter lying on the ground, knocked over from where he had been listening at the door. "What do you think you're doing, you conniving serpent?"

Valter leered nastily from the floor. "Oh just… checking the doors…"

"Oh, really? Sorry for knocking you over then- Hey wait a minute! We have janitors for that!"

Valter snapped his fingers, "That ruse usually works… Bah, what do I care? I was eavesdropping on you gossipy girls, and I do not like what I have heard! You weakling, Glen, worried about what happens to that wretched little girl, Eirika! Who cares? Not I! She's just some little whelp, and she's worth a fortune!"

Glen turned away from the Moonstone. "Silence! I will hear none of this! You are a pitiful worm, a fallen general and criminal restored for reasons I cannot begin to comprehend!"

"I am the greatest general Grado has ever had! That is enough of a reason!" Valter chuckled, standing so he could tower over Glen, "But what do you care? You poor sub par general… You should really be on your way. Eirika won't kidnap herself, you know! It would be nice if she would, but she won't, so you must go do it for her!" Valter cackled over his absurdly nonsensical statement and strutted away.

Cormag turned to his brother. "Pay no heed to that idiot. But he is right in that you need to get going, brother. His Grace will be displeased if Princess Eirika escapes."

Glen paused, then nodded.

* * *

Teraz Plateau, a raised area near central Carcino (anyone else notice that all the important stuff happens near the middle of a country?), was normally a peaceful area of innocent farmers, its most distinctive feature a large villa in the northern area. That villa was the home of Councilor Klimt, one of the older and richer members of the Council, as well as one of the more annoying suck-ups to Frelia. At the time, though, it had been appropriated by Councilor Pablo.

Pablo was not an attractive man. He had a generally weasel-like appearance, and short bluish hair that was receding from his forehead, and a similarly colored goatee. Pablo apparently cultivated his appearance for the express purpose of looking more evil, much to the annoyance of the other sleazy merchants of Carcino, who preferred to be fat and jovial so as to throw off suspicion. Pablo was, however, rich, richer even than Klimt, and ambitious as well.

Councilor Pablo, with his large force of hired swords, had already claimed the villa of the treacherous Councilor Klimt as his own, forcing Klimt to hide in his pantry. Pablo then set about with his real plan: Laying a trap for Prince Innes of Frelia, who unsuspectingly marched right through Teraz, never expecting Carcino to finally stop being a sissy and fight back against its oppressors.

Luckily for Innes, Teraz had a very convenient fortress, where Innes fled and hid. Unfortunately, the fort only had one room, so only Innes, two mercenary guards, and Random Messenger the Pegasus Knight could fit inside, while the rest of his army stood around outside to be brutally killed. Innes then sent Random Messenger to get help. Somehow, she managed to escape Teraz Plateau without being shot down, but that is one contrived event that won't be explored, since Random Messenger just isn't important enough for so much explanation.

Inside the fort, Innes' guards were starting to get nervous. Gerik tapped his booted foot rhythmically on the stone floor. Marisa had gotten the easy job after all, it seemed. He had been sure that defending Innes would be like taking a picnic, but instead he was now trapped in a one-room fort, surrounded by enemies! He cursed his awful luck, and cursed it again when Tethys started to talk.

"Oh woe is us! What shall we do? This terrible fortress is so musty and dusty and gross! My beautiful outfit is being ruined by this alarming filth! It is bad enough that people mistake me for a harlot, but now they'll think I am a _street_ harlot! Being a Lady of the Evening is one thing, but a Scummy Beggar-Woman of the Evening? Simply unacceptable! Oh this is so awful! What shall I do? If I am trapped in this fort for ever, then who will watch dear Ewan? The poor child, he'll be left on the streets, forced to fend for himself, only to grow up to be a thief, until he is caught and they cut his hands off! Oh, my poor baby brother! But more importantly, poor _me_! Oh, whatever shall-"

"Dear heavens, woman, do you ever shut up?" Innes turned from the window through which he had been watching the soldiers outside to glare at the dancer, "You have been complaining non-stop since I hired you! Why did I ever hire you two in the first place? I had an _army_ to protect me. And more importantly, why, of all the competent and loyal soldiers in my army, did I keep you two safe? Has all of my cunning abandoned me?"

Tethys turned away to sulk. "You don't have to be rude, you know. My, for a prince, you are a truly detestable character. Why-"

"As your employer, I order you to cease talking," Tethys opened her mouth to protest, but then scowled and closed it hard enough to cause her teeth to click, "Now then, how are we getting out of here? I have one swordsman, one non-combatant, and myself, a grade-A+ sniper. While I could certainly handle most of these fools by myself, I cannot rely on the mercenary to keep them at a reasonable distance, as he is a treacherous sellsword who could stab me in the back at a moment's notice."

Gerik blinked. "Now wait a minute-"

Innes ignored his beleaguered companion. "I suppose I could send them out as bait while sneaking away while the enemy is distracted…"

"Now see here-"

"Ah, I know. I'll switch garments with the male mercenary and pretend to switch to their side as a treacherous mercenary. Then, they'll spend all their energy trying to kill the idiot sellsword who is now dressed like me."

"I don't like the way this is going-"

"Now that I think of it, it might not have been such a bad idea to fly with Random Messenger. It certainly would have gotten me out of here faster, and it seems that sending her off was a fairly pointless effort anyway. Well, I suppose we will go with the decoy plan. You, sellsword: strip to your skivvies, and I do not want to hear a single word of complaint."

Gerik flushed and Tethys squealed with joy. As she did, her gaze happened to pass over the window near her. She blinked then went for a closer look. "Oh, Prince Innes! I have good news and better news!"

Innes paused in removing his shirt to roll his eyes and turn a patronizing gaze on her. "And what would that be?"

"The good news is, all the soldiers are men. The better news is, I think they're about to put on dresses and sing in high falsetto voices!"

Innes sighed. "Why would you think that?"

Tethys paused, then shrugged. "Just a hunch. Or maybe wishful thinking."

"More importantly," Innes added, "How is that good news?"

"It is if you like Jake Gyl-"

"TETHYS!" Gerik shouted, "No referencing pop culture!"

"Sorry…"

Innes sighed and went back to his plan. He sighed again when he heard Tethys say "I have news that is somewhat good but might be bad, and worse news that might be good news in comparison to the news before but might actually be a hint that the first news was just a sign of the worse news."

"Is this 'news' business some sort of catchphrase?" Gerik shrugged. Innes frowned at Tethys, "Well, what is it? Can you not see that my fellow man and I are stripping?"

Tethys squealed again, until she noticed the "On with it!" look Innes was giving her, and continued. "The first news is that the enemy soldiers seem to be pulling away from the fort. This might mean that they're retreating, or it might mean that they are getting ready for another attack, or it might be because of the other news, which is that another group is coming through the pass toward us."

Innes blinked, and then went to the window. He squinted, but shook his head. "I cannot tell who they are. Of course, they can't be bothered to fly some sort of banner, like a sensible army. Ah well, better safe than sorry. Hurry up and undress, Gerik!"

* * *

"Princess Eirika, Prince Innes seems to be in that fortress that the enemy soldiers are about to charge at and decimate. He needs our help."

"Thanks, Seth. I might not have not have noticed that if you hadn't pointed that out," Eirika turned to Mathwin, "Any brilliant plans?"

"Aside from the usual 'kill the bad guys' thing?" the strategist cleared his throat uncomfortably under Eirika's furious glare, "Uh, I'd say we should get down there and drive the enemies away so we can save Innes and his buddies. It looks like we can approach them from the north, but more enemies are coming in from south of the fort. Also, that villa over to the east has a lot of soldiers, so presumably that's where the big bad is."

Eirika blinked. "Why Mathwin, is that competency you are displaying?"

"Don't be silly. I'm reading all of this straight out of a guide book." Lute snatched her manual from Mathwin's hands, scowling at him.

Eirika sighed. "Fine, let's go with the cheater's plan. Stay as a group. We'll deal with the soldiers at the villa after we rescue Prince Innes."

Seth blinked. "Why do we need to deal with them at all? We could just escape after we get the Prince…"

"Don't be silly," Eirika said condescendingly, "I haven't gotten any experience since that non-Tirado boss back in Renvall. If I don't kill something today, I'll start to feel inadequate."

Mathwin rolled his eyes. Let's just go already. Okay everyone, do what the Princess said while I go hide in those bushes over there."

* * *

In the villa, Pablo was giggly villainously to himself. "My plan is working perfectly! Klimt is too scared to dare show his face, so there is now no one against me on the Council! Later, I'll hunt him down to silence him for good. But for now, I must serve up the head of Frelia's royal brat to Emperor Vigarde."

Pablo laughed so loudly that, as he retrieved a glass of milk from the kitchen, he didn't notice the conversation going on in the pantry. There, Councilors Klimt and Hammet were crowded together in a very uncomfortable position. "Great plan, Klimt! Let's hide in the pantry, you said! Now we're stuck here, and I'll never get to go back to my beloved Kalay!"

Klimt rolled his eyes. "Complain, complain, complain. Can't you do anything else, you cameo you? Your bulging gut is not helping us here! Besides, Kalay is probably going to be under attack soon anyway."

Hammet cried out in terror. "My beloved Kalay! My poor wife and adopted son Ivan! How will I deliver this sacred Shaman Rod to Ivan now?"

Klimt elbowed the tubby merchant in the aforementioned bulging gut. "Quiet! This is Fire Emblem you imbecile! Don't start involving the storyline of another _game_!"

Just then, the pantry door started to open, and Pablo was heard saying "Where is that peanut butter…" Thinking quickly, Hammet grabbed the jar and shoved it to the searching hand. "Oh, thank you," Pablo said before shutting the door.

* * *

Garcia rolled his sleeves up. "Oh good, generic lance-wielding soldiers. My specialty." He readied his axe and charged at the throng of soldiers, which was facing toward the fort they were charging and thus oblivious to the danger. Lute followed, firing blasts of… fire at them.

Joshua focused his attention on the group of axe users. Colm snuck up behind him, dagger at the ready, and an evil grin on his face. Joshua rushed to the left to attack, and Colm's perfect backstab ended up going in some fighter's chest. The myrmidon turned to see Colm shoving the dead enemy away. "Nice job, sewer-rat. I didn't know you had it in you."

Colm turned away with a grimace. "Yeah, well, you know."

Eirika shoved both out of the way to start brutally mauling the group of axemen. Joshua scowled. "Those were ours!"

Eirika paused to glance back and point her nose upward. "Finders, keepers, losers, weepers."

Moulder, who was hanging back to heal when necessary, as usual, tugged at his facial hair. "It is rather convenient that these enemies arrange themselves by weapon."

Joshua turned his back on the enemy to agree, and was caught from behind by a soldier who had hid among the fighters. Colm ran to help (though whether he was helping Joshua or the soldier remains up for debate) when a fire ball incinerated the soldier. While Lute focused on protecting the wounded myrmidon, Garcia was suddenly assaulted by several swordsmen helping the soldiers. He would have been overwhelmed, if Seth and Vanessa hadn't charged in to help. Moulder ran to Joshua while Eirika and Colm teamed up to fight off the rest of the fighters, being careful of the other enemies.

Mathwin poked his head out of the bushes to tap his chin worriedly. "This could be a problem. It looks like these sellswords are smarter than the average Grado soldier. We'll need to be smart…" Mathwin sighed, "We're screwed."

Seth turned to Vanessa when there was a lull in the combat. "Go to Prince Innes and tell him we're on our way!"

"Yes sir," _Whatever happened to PLEASE?! I have feelings too, you big stupid jerk!_ _Why must I do everything around here?! Can't they send someone else to be their stupid messenger girl?! Now I know how Random Messenger must feel!_

Vanessa flew off anyway, muttering mentally. When she arrived at the fort, she knocked forcefully, and was rather offended to be greeted with a "Screw off, we're not opening the door!"

She then heard: "Tethys! No need to be so rude!"

"Gerik, shut up. For once, your useless companion is completely in the right. We're not letting the enemy into our last bastion of defense."

"That's right- HEY! What do you mean, useless! I'll have you know-"

"Please, woman, spare us your tirade. I suppose it would make sense to follow through with our plan now," Vanessa was nearly knocked from her steed when the door slammed open. In the doorway stood Innes, though in a strange outfit of tight-fitting leather, with a ridiculous bandanna, and a large sword strapped to his back. The Prince cleared his throat, then, in his most subservient voice (which reeked of pretension), he said "Please, good mercenary scum of Carcino, spare my life. I freely surrender, and offer to you the life of the cowardly prince I was defending."

Behind him, a muscular man with green hair was wearing a regal outfit that clearly did not fit him, and a large Silver Bow, which he was holding backwards. "Uh… Hi?"

Vanessa blinked at the imposter, and then turned to the Prince. "Your Grace?"

Innes turned from the empty horizon to stare at the Pegasus knight, then sighed with relief. "Why Vanessa, this is a surprise. It seems sending Random Messenger off wasn't such a useless effort. I suppose Princess Eirika is here as well?"

Vanessa nodded. _Obviously, you idiot! I was with Eirika, so if I'm here, she must be here too! Why must members of royalty constantly point out the obvious details?!_

"Vanessa, you have that look again. You're thinking bad things about me, aren't you?" Vanessa's face turned bright red under her green hair, "I thought as much. I will let it slide, since you did come to my rescue, but don't expect me to do so again. Now then, I suppose we should be off to the fray. Gerik, toss me my weapon."

The disguise mercenary complied, then called out "Can we switch clothes back? This is really uncomfortable, and I don't think I can fight like this."

At the mention of undressing, Tethys and Vanessa squealed in unison. Afterward, Vanessa blanched.

Innes sighed. "There is no time, Gerik. Besides, if we lose after all, I'll still need you to act as an imposter so I can escape with my life. Now then, let us be off."

Tethys, Vanessa, and Innes ran/flew/danced south to fight the enemies coming north toward them. Gerik sighed, then blinked. "Wait… Prince Innes! I need my sword! You still have my- Aw crap. He's gone. I guess I'm in trouble then."

* * *

Seth wiped sweat from his forehead. "Status report?"

Moulder stood from healing Garcia, who had taken a wound to his leg. "Vanessa still isn't back. The enemy has withdrawn toward the villa, but there are more to the south that we haven't confronted yet. Everyone is tired and wounded, except for Mathwin, of course."

The tactician poked his head from his hiding place again. "Hey, I'm working too! Someone has to formulate all of our plans from a safe haven! This is _exhausting_ work. You wouldn't want your brilliant leader to be hurt, would you?"

Seth sighed, then turned to Princess Eirika to see if she was alright. He could only sigh when he saw that she was completely free of any sort of wound, not to mention looking as fresh as a daisy, not sweaty or dirty in the least. In fact, she rather looked bored.

Once Garcia was better, the group turned toward the villa. Neimi rubbed her hands together, then glanced over at Colm. "Hey, do I look gross? I'm worried that I might've gotten dirty during that battle…"

Colm, after wiping the drool away, nodded. "You look great! I mean, great, as in, not… uh… Aw, just stop whining you baby!"

Neimi sniffed, rubbing at her eye. "You don't have to be mean… just show me my mir…ror… COLM! WE LEFT MY MIRROR ON BORGO RIDGE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Colm jumped up and down, waving his hands. "No no no no! No we didn't! Good old Colm kept it with my secret stash!"

Neimi sniffed back her tears. "Y-you mean the one you left in Franz' saddlebag?"

The thief paused. "Well… uh… possibly…"

* * *

Pope Mansel jumped several feet in the air when he heard a sudden sob of endless sorrow. Grabbing his hand broom, he set to work beating the ceiling. "Dammit you kids! Shut up!"

* * *

Colm jumped up and down, stood on his head, and talked gibberish, all to no avail. Neimi stood where she was and sobbed incoherently. While the thief pulled furiously at his blue braids, Joshua sauntered over and put an arm over her shoulders, grinning at her. "Hey Neimi, sweetie pie, I have a present for you."

Neimi sniffed, looking up. "Wh-what?"

Joshua grinned, then pulled Neimi's mirror from his bag, which was rather impossible considering it was a huge wall mirror. Colm gaped in horror. "But- but how?"

The myrmidon grinned at him. "You suck at hiding stuff. I raided Franz' saddlebag right after I joined to take all the stuff you left there." Colm proceeded to have a temper tantrum. Meanwhile, Neimi squealed with joy and hugged Joshua.

Moulder glanced back at the trio. "Do they realize that we left them behind?"

Mathwin, who had carried his bush along with him and was sneaking along in a cartoonish fashion, shrugged. "Probably not. You know, Karson and I used to get so into the whole romance thing that we forgot about the main plot. Ah, those were the days…"

Moulder rolled his eyes, which Mathwin noticed. "You wouldn't understand, Moustache. You know, since you're under the whole oath of celibacy, or whatever."

"Now I'll have you know, back before I was a priest I-"

"Don't care. Enemies approaching. More important things to do," Mathwin grabbed a book out of Lute's bag and glanced at it. "Says right here that if we buy the pond, we can start getting ducks, who lay eggs just like… chickens… Wait, what does that have to do with anything?"

Lute glanced back, then grabbed the book from Mathwin. "Wrong guide book, brainless non-mage. If you want my advice, I say we should head south to kill of all the other enemies so as to maximize our experience gain."

Mathwin rolled his eyes. "Whatever, lady."

* * *

Gerik's clothing, which had been made for the much slimmer Innes, was so tight that it made his arms stick straight out. He was completely unable to bend them, so having his sword probably would have been a waste of time anyway. Gerik sighed as he hobbled stiffly along, looking for his companions.

What he found, of course, was a bunch of pegasus knights with red armor. The leader leered at him. "S-ho! Prince Innes! We have found you! Do you remember us?"

Gerik blinked. "Uh… well, you're a bunch of pansy Pegasus Knights, so you must be from Frelia."

"Correct! We are the Ninth Battalion, the warriors you abandoned in the midst of a fierce battle with General Caellach! Our brethren fell around us as stalks of corn before the reaper's scythe! So many of our sisters, cut down in their prime! We, your Grace, are here for REVENGE!"

Gerik swallowed nervously. "No, see, you have me mistaken for someone else. I'm GERIK, the mercenary. Not Prince Innes. He switched clothes with me for… well, pretty much to avoid a situation just like this one."

The lead Pegasus knight laughed haughtily. "Try to fool us, will you? You think we are so stupid?! You will die here, you fiend!"

One of her cronies pulled on her sleeve. "Um, ma'am, that's not-"

"Shut UP. We're going to exact our revenge on him now!"

Gerik yelled, then ran away, while the group of Pegasus Knights flew after him.

* * *

Innes was only slightly hindered by the clothes he was wearing, which had been made for a person of greater size. He was able to shoot effectively despite the loose leather.

Vanessa acted as the tank (which annoyed her, naturally), while Innes stood behind and fired arrows at the enemy. Tethys stood beside him, filing her fingernails. The Prince paused to scowl at her. "Couldn't you contribute in some way to this battle?"

The dancer turned to him with a smile. "What would you like me to do? As you know, I'm a dancer, and we dancers aren't much good on a battlefield. I mean, what am I supposed to do? Revitalize you with my sexy dance moves? It's just silly, really. Oh, that rhymed! Anyway, I suppose I could distract the enemy by dancing seductively, but that would not go very well with my modest image. So-"

"Light, woman, a simple yes or no would have sufficed. You're a mercenary, aren't you? Why would you be a mercenary if you couldn't fight?"

Tethys smiled and waved her hand at him in a shooing gesture. "Of course I can fight, silly! It's only logical. Like you said, why be a mercenary if you can't use a weapon?" With that, Tethys drew two chakram from… some hidden compartment on her skimpy dancer outfit. Please, do NOT use your imagination, readers. She then proceeded to toss said bladed rings at the approaching enemies, each cutting down a foe. Tethys then neatly caught them in her hands.

Innes paused, frowning. "Not… bad…"

Tethys nodded her agreement, then looked back and happened to notice something. "Where is Gerik? We must have left him behind! Oh dear, I must go and find him at once!" With that, the dancer ran back the way they had come.

Innes blinked. "She finally starts to be short and to the point. Vanessa, when we're done here, we go back after her."

Vanessa nodded. _Never a please, and certainly never a thank you! Rude people!_

* * *

Klimt sighed as he tried to find a comfortable position inside the pantry, accidentally shoving his hand into Hammet's face. The hefty merchant attempted to shove him away, his long moustache curling with indignation. "Watch it, you uppity old coot!"

"Watch it yourself, you fat lard!"

They froze and fell silent when they heard footsteps in the kitchen outside. "You! Random and completely inconsequential kitchen worker!"

"My name is Saleh. Thanks for crushing my self-esteem even more than it already-"

"Blah blah blah. Don't care. Now tell me, did you hear voices from the pantry just now?"

"I wouldn't know, Councilor Pablo. I was too busy being random and inconsequential."

"Bah, useless. I suppose I was imagining things," Hammet and Klimt sighed with relief, but quickly sucked it back in when they heard, "Did you hear that sudden release of pent-up anxiety?"

"What, you mean the sigh from the pantry?"

"Why yes, exactly."

"Nope, definitely didn't hear that, Councilor."

"Oh, my mistake," The hiding councilors sighed with relief again, but froze in terror when the heard "Say, have you seen the jelly? I took out this peanut butter earlier to make a sandwich, but I realize that I've forgotten the jelly."

"Did you check the pantry?"

"Don't be ridiculous! Jelly would spoil in a pantry without refrigeration!" The councilors sighed again.

"Refrigerators haven't been invented yet, genius. However, there is a cold storage room at the back of the pantry."

"Oh really? Well thank you, you extremely rude and pretentious unimportant person," With that, Pablo opened the pantry door and looked inside. He then slammed the door shut angrily, which caused the two councilors to sigh in relief yet again, "You idiot! Cold storage had not been invented yet either! Besides, that pantry was too small to fit those two grown men, let alone a cold storage room!"

"My mistake, councilor."

"Yes it was," There was a long pause, and then "Wait a minute, two grown men? What in the name of money?" Pablo slammed the pantry door open again and glared at Klimt and Hammet, who were cowering within. "So, thought you could hide underneath my very nose and not get caught?"

"Well," Klimt pointed out, "it was working out pretty well for a while."

"You don't have to rub it in. It's humiliating enough as is, thank you very much!" Pablo harrumphed, then lunged for them. Fortunately, Hammet was able to throw all of his considerable weight at the wiry weasel-man, knocking him over. The two councilors then ran away.

Pablo picked himself up, then jumped up and down angrily. "Stupid Klimt and Hammet! Guards! Seize them!"

Saleh sighed. "All of the guards are off fighting Prince Innes."

"What? Really? Well, I guess I'll send myself to get them. Pablo! Get off your lazy backside and capture those councilors!" Pablo cackled at his razor wit and ran off to find them.

* * *

Eirika withdrew her rapier from the soldier she had just defeated, then turned to huff in annoyance at the horizon. "Where is that Vanessa? She really should be back by now."

Mathwin, still carrying around his bush, shrugged in a very leafy and over-exaggerated way. "Maybe she finally died. I've been trying to kill her off for a while now."

Moulder snorted. "That is ridiculous. When have you done that?"

"You know, way back in Ide? I sent her to deal with all of those bandits at once? And then later I had her go fight the giant spider."

"Now that is inaccurate. You were lost in the fog when she went to do that."

The tactician scowled. "Do you have a point Moustache?"

"Yes, I do, actually. You've never been deadest on seeing Vanessa dead. And my name is MOULDER."

"Excuse me," the Princess cut in, "This conversation is about me. You two may now stop talking and interrupting the important dialogue, understand?"

Moulder and Mathwin blinked at her, then turned away to grumble irritably. Eirika turned from the chastened middle-aged men to her Paladin advisor-type person, with the usual disapproving frown. "Go find Vanessa and Prince Innes. Make sure Innes is well and bring him back."

The knight scowled at her, but couldn't help but ask a question. "What about Vanessa?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, sure. Her too." Seth rolled his eyes, then rode off to find them.

Not bothering to wait for Seth to come back, Eirika turned back to the villa, which they had finally reached, and immediately started up to the door. Garcia cleared his throat. "Is that such a good plan? Maybe we should consolidate our forces before storming the boss. I mean, you remember what happened when you tried to fight O'Neill without me…"

Eirika sighed, but otherwise ignored the fighter. Garcia frowned, but followed, as did the rest of the party, who were becoming annoyed at being referred to as a group and not as individuals by the narration.

* * *

Seth rode along, grumbling irritably to himself, when he saw someone running toward him. As the person came closer, he recognized the clothing as that of Prince Innes, and smiled. Easier than he might have expected.

But when the person came closer still, Seth realized that it was not, in fact, Prince Innes, but rather a guy with a muscular frame, a green goatee (or anyway, facial hair that the author cannot identify), and an expression of fear not quite befitting the arrogant Innes.

When the man arrived, he attempted to grab Seth's leg to plead, but his arms did not reach far enough forward. "Puh-please! Save me! I'm going to be killed by those crazy Pegasus Knights!"

Now, one must understand how all of this worked out in Seth's mind. Here he had a scruffy, sellsword-type person in Innes' clothes, having apparently stolen them. What's more, he was being pursued by Pegasus Knights, the soldiers of Innes' nation of Frelia. If the reader did not know about the circumstances that had led to Gerik wearing Innes' clothes, would the reader not suspect Gerik?

"Fiend! Prepare to die!" Gerik screamed and ran the other way while Seth attempted to stab him with his lance. Gerik hobble-ran away, while Seth rode at him.

Just then, a red blur smashed into Seth, knocking him to the ground. Tethys smiled at the fallen Paladin, then turned and threw Gerik's sword to the mercenary. Gerik scowled. "I can't move my arms. How am I going to use a sword?"

The dancer sighed, then quickly swept her chakram at Gerik. His arms freed, he grabbed his sword and held it up triumphantly. "Thanks, Tethys!"

"Hee hee, pleasure's all mine!"

Gerik blinked, then looked down to see that he was wearing nothing but briefs. He blushed, but forgot when the pegasus knights landed a few feet away, leering. The leader blinked. "Innes, you're naked."

Gerik sighed. "Thanks, I might not have noticed. And I'm not Innes!"

The leader frowned, looking him up and down, then slapped herself on the forehead. "This isn't the Prince! It's just some sexy muscular guy!" In typical leader fashion, she then blamed it on her cronies. "Why didn't anyone figure out that it wasn't Innes?!"

"Well I said-"

"Shut up! Where's Innes?"

"I might be able to tell you that," Innes said, seemingly materializing behind Gerik and Tethys. The two mercenaries turned to wave their hands and mouth for him to shut up before he got himself killed. Innes ignored them, "but you'll have to do something for me first."

"Ma'am!" one of the crony Pegasus Knights shouted, "It's-"

"Yes, I know, soldier," The leader grinned maliciously, "It's some sexy mercenary! And he's going to help us, too. Okay, sexy mercenary, what do you want?"

"See that villa?" Innes indicated the building in the distance, "Within is Councilor Pablo. Go and cause him great discomfort, preferably of the fatal variety. Can you do that for me?"

"Sure thing!" The leader flew off, quickly followed, albeit reluctantly, but her posse.

Gerik gaped at Innes. "You- you're a genius. Or maybe those were just some really stupid Pegasus Knights."

Innes smiled smugly. "I believe it was something of a combination of the two. Now come, we must rejoin Princess Eirika. Please wake General Seth there."

Tethys blinked, glancing at the fallen paladin. "General… Oh dear… I hope that blow gave him amnesia, or Gerik might be in trouble for knocking him out."

"Me?! You're the one that did it!" Gerik exclaimed, quickly passing the blame off on his companion.

Innes sighed, then glanced back at Gerik. "Are you aware of the advanced state of undress you are currently in?"

Gerik sighed. "Yeah, I noticed, thanks. Can I have my clothes back now? Please?"

"Are you kidding? And go around in the near-nude like you? That would simply be scandalous, especially for a Prince like myself. I'm sure that cad Ephraim could get away with it, but I have a bit more dignity than that imbecile. So I'll give you your clothes back once I find my bags containing my spare clothing."

Gerik sighed, then quickly backed away from Tethys and the inexplicably present Vanessa, who were inching toward him with terrifyingly wolfish gleams in their eyes.

* * *

"Get back here you stupid old farts!"

"Never, you greedy weasel!"

"Yeah, greedy weasel!"

"Stop copying me all the time, Klimt!"

"Sorry Hammet."

"Stop ignoring the threat I pose to you and run, you fools!"

Saleh sighed, watching the debacle of Pablo chasing Hammet and Klimt around the counter in the kitchen. Finally, the gray-haired man pulled his apron off and threw it to the ground. "I've had it with you people. I quit! Cook your own meals! I'd rather face the wrath of Grandma Pelyn for my horrible failure than spend any more time in this crap job!"

Pablo didn't notice, as his prey had finally moved on from the kitchen to the corridor, which led ultimately outside through the entrance to the mansion. Hammet and Klimt sped away down the cobbled path, Pablo still hot on their heels. That is, until he was distracted by a flock of Pegasus Knights attacking him.

The fugitive councilors had the good luck to run into Eirika's group as they fled, running into here meaning they literally collided with Garcia and Lute, the former unfazed, the latter toppled by the fat merchant's momentum.

Joshua drew his sword to threaten the older men, glaring. "Which of you is the Boss around here?!"

Klimt shook his head desperately, "Nonono! We're good guys! We like Frelia! We're not crazy enough to try to challenge you people! It's Pablo back there that wants to start a war!"

"Indeed!" Hammet said, "He's always been pissy about Frelia kicking Carcino around, so he thought that he could convince Grado to help us fight back. Most of the council is behind him, but please remember during the mass executions that Klimt and I disagreed!"

Eirika rolled her eyes. "Oh please. Like I actually cared about all of this backstory. Just move so I can go get all the experience this Pablo guy has to offer.

Mathwin started to agree when he happened to hear someone approaching from behind. He gasped, pointing. "It's Innes! He's alive! And naked!"

Eirika, Lute, and Neimi squealed with delight, running to see. They all sighed with disappointment when they saw that it was just Gerik, who was starting to become annoyed. Eirika glanced around with increasing frustration. "So where is Innes?"

"I'm fine," Seth said, holding an ice pack to his head, "Don't bother to ask."

"Right here, Princess Eirika," Innes said, removing Gerik's bandanna to show his signature gray hair, "I am… grateful that you came to my aid. Not that I could not have eventually escaped, as I did have a brilliant plan lined up, but your arrival did help… somewhat. Not much, just a little."

"Oh give it a REST!" Vanessa shouted, "You're OBVIOUSLY in love with each other! Just make out already!"

Everyone turned to stare at her. Vanessa blinked. "I said that out loud, didn't I? I really need to be more careful about that."

Eirika rolled her eyes, then returned her gaze to Innes. Both were smiling smugly. "You are welcome, Prince Innes. Now come, we need to deal with one last enemy. I, of course, will be taking the experience."

"I beg to differ, Princess. I initiated the battle, thus the experience is rightfully mine."

"Ah, but you are already promoted. Thus, the experience is much more valuable to me."

"But Carcino is making war against myself and my nation. Thus, this is my vengeance."

"But this whole war is about my vengeance for the death of my father."

"You may think that, but I doubt that everyone will agree, especially Grado, since they started the war in the first place, and probably not for the sole purpose of killing your father."

"Well-"

"Does this really matter?" Mathwin asked at last, "I mean, can't we just see how the battle works out? It's kinda soon to be making this decision."

Eirika and Innes sighed as one, then turned to march toward the mansion, quickly followed by the others.

In front of the mansion, Pablo's role of hunter had been supplanted, and he was pursued around his large house by the Pegasus Knights. Eventually, he collapsed in front of the entrance, panting, while the Knights gathered around him to finish him off.

"That's enough, ladies," Innes said as he approached, "We'll take it from here."

The leader laughed. "Sure, whatever. Now tell us where Prince Innes is!"

Lute rolled her eyes. "He's Innes. Right there, you imbeciles."

Innes turned to glare at the mage with a look that said "Shut up you fool!"

The Pegasus Knight blinked. "What? Don't be absurd. His clothes are COMPLETELY wrong."

"Look at his face, for goodness' sake," Lute replied, "He's clearly Prince Innes in a very poor disguise. It is rather pitiful how easily you fell for it, actually."

The Pegasus Knight crony kicked her leader in the shin from her mount. "I told you! You never listen to me, and thanks to you we just helped the Prince we're trying to exact vengeance upon!"

The leader grimaced nervously, then turned to glare at Innes. "So, try to fool us will you?! You shall die now, Innes, and it shall be my lance that slays you!"

Seth sighed. "Good work, Lute. Now we have a battalion of Pegasus Knights trying to kill one of our more intelligent and valuable companions. You couldn't have told them that Mathwin was Innes, could you?"

"Standing right here…"

Eirika cleared her throat. "Please ignore the delusional mage, ladies. She is mistaken. This is clearly not Prince Innes."

The leader guffawed. "Oh please! I'm not falling for that one AGAIN! Why should I believe that this mage is delusional?"

"Simple," Eirika said, then turned to look at Lute, "I think we should find a rogue and a hunter to round our party out a bit more."

Lute's usually impassive face twisted into rage. "WHAT?! You want those overpowered bastards hogging all the glory for the group?! Hunters SUCK! All they do is sit back and shoot while their stupid animal companion does all the work, and they think they're all cool with their Arcane Shots and crap like that! And Rogues only use TWO attacks in a fight! TWO! Every idiot that can use a knife becomes a rogue, and then they take all of the loot! And-"

"Okay, okay I believe you!" the pegasus knight shouted, much to the annoyance of her companions, "She's clearly out of her mind. So where is Prince Innes?!"

Eirika started to say something to the effect of Innes being at the bottom of the ocean, but the real Innes cut in. "He's in Grado, probably crossing the bay from Bethroen to Taizel. He also dyed his hair green."

Seth cursed. "What are you doing?!"

The pegasus knight cheered. "Vengeance will be mine!" She flew off, and her cronies, with a collective sigh, followed, leaving a much less tired Pablo standing by the door, leering menacingly at them.

Before he could begin his evil monologue, however, Eirika started berating Innes. "Why did you send them after my brother, you jerk!? I just saved you!"

"For one," Innes said, remaining cool and calm, "I did not need saving. My plan has worked perfectly, other than the hitch caused by that delusional mage of yours. Second, I'm sure he'll be fine. Perhaps he'll even find the episode amusing. If not, at least I will."

"AHEM!" Pablo shouted, not bothering at actually clear his throat to make the throat-clearing noise.

"Better give them a minute," Mathwin told the Councilor, "You don't want to interrupt Princess Eirika."

Eirika turned away from Innes in a huff. "No, I'm ready. Let's get this over with."

Pablo cackled evilly. "Fools! Do you not know who I am?! I am Pablo, richest man in Carcino, best looking councilor on the Council of Carcino, and… um… Did I mention that I was rich? With money?"

"I believe so," Eirika said.

"Pshaw! You think that's annoying? You should hear his tic!" Hammet interjected.

"Silence, fatso! Money!" Pablo regained his composure before continuing, "Anyway, I won't actually be fighting you myself. That would ruin my wonderful designer clothes. I have found an opponent that will turn you people into quivering blobs of jell-o!"

Mathwin frowned at the Councilor. "What flavor?"

Moulder sighed. "How could that possibly matter?"

"Oh, it matters."

Pablo threw his hands in the air. "I don't know! Grape?"

"I prefer strawberry," Colm said.

Neimi shook her head. "Strawberry is yucky! I want apple!"

Joshua grinned. "Me too! Soulmates!" Colm cursed wildly.

Vanessa scowled. _Jay, ee, elel, oh, IT'S ALI-I-IVE! Wonderful! That's going to be stuck in my head all day!_

"LOOK!" Pablo shouted, "I don't care what flavor it is! Nobody even knows what Jell-O is anymore! Just face my chosen warrior of warlike-warriorness!"

With that, Valter on his serpentine wyvern dropped out of the sky, barely missing Pablo, who flew back several feet in fright. Seth rolled his eyes. "And how do you explain being here, hm? You haven't even been mentioned in the present part of the chapter."

"Not true!" Valter shouted, "I was in the beginning!"

"Yes, but that doesn't count," Moulder said levelly, "That scene was set a few days ago, right after the generals had received their orders."

Valter paused, then raspberried. "Who cares?! I'm Valter! I rock! That should be good enough for you people! I mean, I haven't gotten to do anything cool since that stupid side chapter, so I have to make up for it now by strutting around on this one!"

Eirika waved her hand dismissively. "What's it matter, anyway? This guy is probably a pushover."

"Not so much!" Mathwin shouted, "He's a high-level, promoted unit. We're screwed."

"Wonderful," Eirika said, then pointed to Seth. "Go and slay!"

"What? Me?" Seth sighed, twirling his lance in his hand. "Fine! But you owe me big!" With that, the paladin charged in a very heroic fashion. His steed leapt at the last moment, flying at the rider of the wyvern. Unfortunately, Valter twisted to the side, and the mounted warrior flew past him, hitting the ground beside Pablo with a sickening crunch.

Mathwin sighed. "Screwed."

Eirika drew her rapier and charged, quickly followed by Garcia with his axe, a rolling pin stuck in his belt. Valter cackled maniacally, spinning his own much larger lance. The head slashed across Eirika's chest, knocking her back, though she was mostly unhurt. He held it above his head and brought it down to stab Garcia into the ground, but the fighter struck it with his axe, avoiding death.

Lute jumped forward, charging a fireball for Valter's face. The wyvern's bestial head snaked out, head butting Garcia away, then the whole beast slithered up to Lute in a flash, allowing Valter to smack her with the long handle of his lance in another ostentatious twirl.

Neimi, with Colm and Joshua standing beside her, drew an arrow and prepared to fire, only to be stuck with a bolt of lightning and knocked away. Pablo cackled villainously.

Vanessa hung in the back, having decided that she was best off staying out of all of the bone-breaking fun. Moulder ran about, healing the wounded.

Innes drew his own arrow, but did not fire. Tethys glanced between Valter and the Prince, face contorted with concern. "What are you waiting for?! He's going to kill someone if you don't shoot him!"

Innes shook his head. "I'm not as good as this man, I hate to admit. My arrow won't be enough to kill him. It needs to be charged up somehow," Innes turned to Lute, but she was knocked out several feet away, right next to a suspiciously quivering bush, "Curses, I need to-"

Suddenly, the arrow in his hand began to glow with incredible power, so bright that Innes, Gerik, and Tethys had to look away. Gerik looked around, careful to avoid passing his gaze over the brilliant weapon, "Who just did that?"

"Doesn't matter right now!" Tethys shouted, "Shoot it at the psychopath!"

Pablo saw Innes and prepared to blast him, but was distracted when Colm tackled him to the ground.

Valter cackled, drawing his lance up to finish the wounded Garcia off.

Innes drew back on his bow, squinting to aim through the blazing aura the arrow was emitting. He released, and things seemed to go in slow motion.

Valter noticed the arrow approaching and giggled, distracting him long enough to miss Garcia leaping out of the way. Pablo started to shout "Nooooo!" in that comically slow way that every cartoon feels inclined to showcase at least once, starting to stand after throwing Colm off.

The arrow barely touched Valter's steed when a huge explosion ensued. With a final "Gya-urgh!" the wyvern knight blasted away, rather like a rocket. He flew so high into the sky that eventually, he was merely a twinkle on the horizon, which may have reminded the heroes of a certain television show with certain incompetent bad guys had that show, or TV in general, existed in Magvel.

Pablo entire front side had been blackened by the blast, but he was unharmed. He glanced around nervously, especially when Seth and Colm, who had also been hit by the blast, glared at him through soot-covered eyelids. Pablo grinned stupidly, then ran away, screaming in a surprisingly falsetto voice.

Innes stared at his bow in shock. "That was surprising. How did that happen, anyway?"

"You're welcome!" The Prince and his mercenaries turned to see a young boy with red hair and blue robes grinning at them. After a moment of silence, he scowled at them. "That was the hint that I was waiting for a thank-you of some kind."

"Ewan!" Tethys shouted, "What are you doing here?! I told you to wait in the inn!"

Ewan smirked. "That inn?" he asked, indicating a burnt-down hovel, "The soldiers looted it while they looked for Klimt. Thanks to YOU, I almost died. Besides, if it weren't for my AMAZING powers, you couldn't have beaten that boss guy."

Tethys sighed. "Oh… whatever."

Ewan smiled, then glanced at Gerik. "Hey, you're naked!" Gerik sighed.

Councilors Klimt and Hammet were dancing in a circle, gripping one another by the arms, in an apparent celebration dance. "We won! We won!"

Eirika sighed. "You two did nothing. _I_ won."

"Quite the contrary," Innes stated as he approached, "It was my arrow that defeated that man."

"And it was my magic that blasted him into the upper stratosphere!" Ewan shouted.

Klimt jumped up and down. "Please, do not argue! We are grateful to all of you! Most of the council follows Pablo now, and we have nowhere left to hide! Pablo almost captured us back there, and you saved us! We want to do whatever we can to help!"

The Princess frowned. "From the sounds of it, we won't be safe while traveling through Carcino. Is there some way to get through without dealing with Pablo's army?"

Hammet nodded. "There is a silk route I know of through the mountains that should be safe. I've kept it secret, so I'll need to guide you myself, since no one else knows-"

"Oh, I know!" Ewan shouted as he approached, "It's the same way to reach Caer Pelyn. I've been that way_ hundreds_ of times."

Hammet started to argue, then sighed. Eirika raised an eyebrow at the boy. "And who is this uppity, overly-knowledgeable little brat?"

Ewan scowled, but Tethys approached. "Sorry, Princess. This is my brother, Ewan. Oh, and I'm Tethys, a mercenary. I know it seems odd for a dancer to be a mercenary since people like me typically have no combat skill whatsoever, but I assure you-"

Innes sighed. "Thanks Tethys. That'll do. You can shut up now. She and Gerik are mercenaries I hired to flesh out my personal guard, and somehow they are now the only soldiers I have left. They are.. .trustworthy, I suppose."

Eirika blinked at Gerik. "Are you aware that you are-"

"YES, I REALIZE THAT I AM STANDING IN MY BRIEFS! NO NEED TO TELL ME!"

Ewan jumped up and down, demanding their attention back. "I can show you the way! Let me do it! Let me let me let ME!"

Innes shrugged. "It seems the best course to reach Jehanna. But we need to move out as quickly as possible. There's not telling how many of the councilors and their mercenary armies lie in wait all around Teraz. I doubt anyone who remains here will survive."

Klimt and Hammet paled. Klimt smiled bashfully at Eirika. "Um, could we perhaps… tag along a little while? We'll be quite, we swear! In fact, we'll follow at a considerable distance! We just need to get to somewhere… SAFE!"

The Princess sighed. "Fine, whatever. Now, let's get going."

* * *

Glen on his wyvern watched the enemy from a distance, frowning. His only companions were two other wyvern riders, neither important enough to have names. One turned to Glen questioningly. "Shouldn't we attack, sir? They'll be tired from that last battle."

Glen hesitated, then shook his head. "Not yet. I want to know where they're going first. Then we'll take her."

* * *

Author's Note: Sorry for the very long delay. I've had quite alot of writer's block recently. Also, all that stuff about Rogues and Hunters in WoW? I don't REALLY think that way, so don't start attacking me about it. Just part of the joke, people.


End file.
